New Resolution- Azure Ray
I'm not driving anymore- Rob Dougan
Hope there's someone- Antony and the Johnsons
Lost!- Coldplay
Joyful Girl- Ani Difranco
They Are Night Zombies!! (They Are Neighbours!! They Have Come Back From The Dead!! Ahhhhh!)- Sufjan Stevens
Shiver
Thirteen: Collision Course
The bad thing about reality is that it doesn't have to be logical. Fiction, as absurd as it seems, needs explications, and order. But reality is often erratic and chaotic and those two adjectives suit my life perfectly. With and without Sasuke.
That night in the firework light of the New Year was more a step sideways than a step forwards. Something that took us somewhere else, but no closer to our goal. Not that we knew where or what we were heading to in the first place. But the secrets that made me were still in my within. Between us. Like a dark ocean we were unable to swim. Unwilling.
Despite this, the rejuvenated place we found ourselves in was much better than the one we had left. Laying on the couch that first day with Azure Ray in our ears, handing out and receiving heavy, deep kisses. The fragmented drums, the guitar that strummed as if it were on our skin.
Letting our breaths become short, almost desperate, as if each other's taste were much more important than oxygen. The way we stuttered gasps as our hands searched with closed eyes,
follow blind.
heavy eyes,
hold
po
si
tion
for the movements we managed against each other. The teeth on skin, the tongue on tongue; it was more like a New Year's resolution than anything else. The voice that edged us on, the techno keyboard that raced.
don't undermine,
my new resolution.
just to find,
A different light, a new direction
A resolution to make more. To be more than the removal of clothes, than the sharp collarbones under fingertips. Than the dry lips on hipbones and palms of hands over hard stomachs. To be like the music that haunts, to be always there, perfect, synchronised, instead of just acting.
move on, move on.
It's like the clock is pacing
the break of dawn, and our hearts are racing.
More than the pull of hair, dark against tanned skin, edging hisses from lips. Blond against pale, and the moaning aftermaths. More than just a race, like the sound that invaded my mind.
More than just two boys that did a lot,
but knew nothing.
OoO
"Have you seen my underwear?" I called out as I paced around the room naked. A sigh responded from the kitchen as I looked under the bed for the third time.
"No, Naruto, I don't know where your underwear is," came his exasperated voice, disjointed. "Were you even wearing any?" he asked, half-teased. I snorted.
"Yeah! It's unhygienic not to, you know. Not that you bloody noticed, at the pace you were going," I retorted, grabbing a pair of his boxers and shoving sweatpants on, walking into the kitchen. He raised an eyebrow at the use of his clothes but his eyes lingered and his mouth said nothing. My best guess would be that he actually liked seeing me in it, in more of a possessive way than anything else. I rolled my eyes but grinned, running a hand through my damp hair.
"Don't talk as if we had sex," he smirked, and I rolled my eyes, blushing a little at the memory of how we had stopped ourselves from going the whole way in the first few days. The reason for our hesitance was still half-lost to me. Because of lack of self-trust, I guessed.
"Whatever. I had you screaming my name anyways," I purred in his ear, pressing my chest against his back as he cleaned the tabletop.
"You wish, idiot," I heard him grow lowly, though instead of pulling away he leaned back slightly. I took that as an invitation for my ever-working libido and tilted my face, pulling lightly at his earlobe with my teeth as I grinned into his neck. There was a second where the whisper of his lost breath was heard before he elbowed me in the stomach, so that I had to pull away, groaning.
"You crazy bastard," I complained, rubbing my stomach as he smirked over his shoulder before turning to wash his hands. I watched him for a while, so natural, and was grateful that no awkwardness had grown between us. We were both too stubborn for it. Too hard-headed to talk about what was happening. Because making out with a friend isn't as casual, or even as dramatic, as fiction sometimes makes it seem. But it was confusing and new and a little unsettling. For me, however, it was less about a giant revelation or step and more about fulfilling a potential that had always been there.
The problem was that things are never that simple. Because I could have easily said that little had changed, beyond the physical. And that was almost true. But with the new discovery had come new potential. The potential to let Sasuke in deeper, where danger lay. To allow him to wedge himself under the surface, and into the realm of my mind that was made of chaos, or the past. Of what I made myself. Of what other made me. There was a voice in my head scared shitless because I was being stupid. Things which started with a kiss never ended well, in my experience.
And yet...I couldn't stop myself. Didn't want to. I ignored what was best for me, for what felt best in the moment. I was a creature made more of impulsiveness than anything else and that's why I stepped forwards again, my head a mess, my lungs aching.
I had to start separating my past from the present, but that was much more easily said than done. Because every part of me, every reaction and instinct, functioned on what the past showed me. The kissing, the held hands, the days spent together. It wasn't love, wasn't romance. Maybe it wasn't even just lust. It was the inevitable. The solution to the problem we had both chosen. The end of the road we had taken.
Rome.
I pressed against his back again, trapping him against the tabletop around the sink. I turned the water off and caught his hands together between mine. The world was spinning, and we were the only one that were still, damp hands clenched around each other. There was a thrumming around me, as if the world were one giant speaker, making the air ripple and pulse and driving me at 770 mph, straight to insanity. Rob Dougan was playing somewhere, I didn't know where. Another world, maybe, or straight in my head. The pulsating symbols. The Cellos that wrapped around us so tight they might rob all breath from us.
The rough, heady voice of destruction.
You tell me I can't slow down
you tell where I've gotta be
I speed into the darkness
but I swear that I can't see a thing in front of me
You know its true
I'm not driving anymore,
I can't keep up with you.
Sharp, piercing violins. A warning. I pressed my lips to his neck, keeping them there. Opened them slowly, letting them brush against the fine hair there, my hot breath making them ripple as I held Sasuke close.
"What are you doing?" I heard him ask, beyond the music, lightyears away. Where was he? Right there, right there with me, or did he not exist? Was he just a dream I had conjured out of necessity. Out of madness, slick creeping cannibalistic. Out of the roaring in my ears.
I ignored him. Let the same slowness take over my movements as my now damp hands trailed across his arms, down his shirt, under it, to grip his waist, making him jerk slightly at the coldness. But he didn't pull away, still, and I wondered why as my lips continued their course down his shoulder, where I had pulled the material of his shirt down. Soft touches, a mixture between complete chastity and an interruption of opened mouth kisses, tongue tasting the saltiness of skin.
"Naruto," he said, and I let my forehead rest against him, nose caressing his skin.
"Sasuke," I whispered.
You're closing in behind me
Well I've got headlight in my eyes,
Don't you get too close to me
Can't you see that we'll collide,
and end up casualties
there's just no room
I'm not driving anymore,
I can't keep with you
"You have no idea what you're getting yourself into."
A build up of strings, foam and salt, a tower.
I took a step back and he turned around and I took a step forward and this dance was half macabre because when we kissed we bit, and our nails were digging into each other's skin and,
The music was slowing down but we were racing forwards and,
So leave me on my own,
Run me down and race away from me
I've got nowhere to go to,
And I don't think I can get back on my feet,
back on my feet
Our hands were searching for something we weren't sure the other had. And it didn't even matter, because it was the searching that mattered. I yanked the T-shirt off him and kissed him again as he dragged his nails down my back, so hard it hurt. I dug fingers into the muscles of his chest, knuckles against his nipples, There was just no stopping us, this, this us.
You came right out of nowhere
Eyes wide and terrified,
and I can't put my brakes on,
And I can't swerve to save your life
cause then I'll lose control,
and I can't choose
I'm not driving anymore
I can't keep up with you
I kissed him open-mouthed, losing innocence at once. Ran my tongue across his, his teeth, pulling at his lips until they were sore and swollen and mine. Clutched his hair and pulled him so close it hurt and I knew he was surprised but I kept going anyway, and so did he. He was pulling at my shirt, licking the droplets of water at my temples, removing clothes and touching me as much as possible at the same time. I unbuttoned, unzipped his pants, somehow, and he stepped out of them, twisting us so that it was my back the counter was digging against. It was a sort of madness, what we had gotten ourselves into, a desperate race forwards to nowhere as I hooked my leg upwards and reached behind to squeeze and push his ass forwards, closerclosercloser. I gasped hotly against his skin, biting as hard as I could at his shoulder for a moment and when he cried out in anger I hissed,
"Do you have any idea?"
So leave me on my own
Run me down and race away from me
The pleading in our heads, in mine.
I've got no where to go to
I don't think I can get back on my feet,
back on my feet.
And he yanked my trousers down, rubbing the palm of his hand against my length and growled,
A shriek of violins,
"I don't fucking care."
Get me out of harm's way,
Can't you see I'm paralyzed,
I wanna fade out gracefully,
but you keep keeping me alive
to face another day,
can't you see I'm through
I'm not driving anymore,
I can't keep up with you.
Can't keep up with you
A harmony of strings, sliding against each other, up, up, up.
I cried out a mangled version of his name and he rubbed against me, growling in my ear. Biting it, clawing at my skin as I scraped his. More of a war than a love story, but in any case the rules of the game were nil. Playing soldiers instead of doctors, we were made for destruction, because I knew too well you had to taste dirt before air.
Tell me how long have I got, God
I wanna end this earthly toil
Till this diet-light expires
I wanna go swimming in the soil
and not come up for breath
A howl of a voice, a shout, a scream. Scars against thighs, chests, backs, necks, tongues.
sit in God's room
I'm not driving anymore,
I can't keep up with you.We were crazy. The sounds we sunk inside in were insanity, chaos. As morbid as a car crash.
I'm unfit for consumption
I don't know how to play my-
OoO
"Oi kid, how did the rest of your holidays go?" Jiraiya's voice said through the phone as lazed on the couch, ignoring the homework Sasuke had ordered me to sort out.
"Really good, yeah," I said, almost smirking at the memories. There was a momentary lapse before his voice came through.
"What's that tone for? What happened?" I could hear rustling and suspicion from the other line and leaned back, grinning. It seemed that all that time I had spent with him hadn't fallen on dull senses. Though it sometimes seemed Jiraiya wasn't very attentive to, well, anything beyond sake and breasts, his attention did sometimes sidetrack to his job and my life.
It was a rare thing, though.
"Nothing," I smirked, and he snorted in my ear.
"Yeah right, brat. Oh well, that Uchiha brat needed to get laid anyway."
I choked on my own spit at that, spluttering a, "W-what!"
"Oh come on," his low voice teased, "nothing else could make you sound like that."
"And what the hell is 'like that?!" I demanded.
"Stupid."
"Urgh. Whatever, you old pervert," I grumbled, blushing. It was a little frightening to witness how well he knew me.
"So it's true then? Hmm..." he said musingly, and there was a long pause where I occupied my fingers with fidgeting, eyes darting around my living room.
"So?" I asked finally.
"So what?"
"So...what do you think?" I mumbled, scratching the back of my head, and heard him snort.
"Brat, I prefer not having an opinion on your sex life."
"Hey, it isn't-"
"But I'll tell you one thing," he interrupted me. "Think carefully in what you are getting yourself into."
"...I know what I'm getting myself into."
"No you don't. No, don't interrupt me. Listen, brat. I know perfectly well you haven't told your friends anything. At all. And I'm not saying you should. And I'm not saying you shouldn't. But...holding so much in, kid, is gonna kill you. You gotta decide, do you trust them, or not? Don't wait until it's too late."
I closed my eyes, rubbing the bridge of my nose with my fingers.
"I just..."
"I know, kid. I know. But there's a thin line between self preservation and cowardice."
"I'm not a coward," I growled.
"I know."
There was another pause, even longer than the last, awkward and crackling and with a thin line of strings in the background before I sighed and conceded and 'ok'.
"Right then. I gotta go." He said, and I smiled a little at his typical abruptness.
"Ok. See ya, old man."
"Take care, kid. And use protection!" He laughed before clicking the line shut. I shook my head and leaned my head back.
If only it were as easy as that.
OoO
It was dark.
I didn't know where I was. The past, now, there, here; flashes of ghosts were swimming past me. The sandy basement. The cages. The mud on the carpet. And then the eyes; accusatory, pleading, keening, scarring.
And yet all I could hear was a piano. Gentle, melancholic. It was wrapping itself around me, and I was unsure if it was suffocating or delivering breath.
And from the deepness of the cave I was stuck inside, the void, tremble a voice. It rippled the air around me, a funeral procession, a wish, a lost chance.
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, will I go...
I blinked and was in my room. The orange walls, the cracked ceiling, the lack of windows, the dirty carpet. The heavy, damp, Whirlpool air. I got up and there was a mirror on the wall with a boy who had red eyes and a sickness inside of him that couldn't be handled. Razors, pills, rooftops and bridges, bullets and freezing cold water. The exit signs I saw were all dull and collapsing and pathetic, and so was I.
There's a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head
I tried to breath but notes got stuck in my throat. Fragments of words, blacks and whites, strings. And that shivering sound that wondered where life was going to take it next.
Blinked,
And was at the beach at night. The moon was round and red and sleepless and Haku was crying. Everything was crying, dripping, blurring. And holding on to something wasn't enough to fix it. And wishing something to be enough doesn't make it so. Being lost doesn't mean you're going to be found.
Oh I'm scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
Left in there, left in there
Blink, Blink, Blink. The snake, the fox, the scorpion. The past. That dug its claws into my skin and dragged me down, but the pianos were slow and patient, and the singing that wept was healing. And when it changed, when the keys were pressed harder, and when the voice howled, it meant they were flying, as tired as they were. A build-up in my ears. Like the roaring waves of the black sea, salty on our lips as it crashes down on us, hurting, cleansing, shredding the difference between one thing and another.
Blink.
Just another place. The cold air. The thick sheets, the insanity.
And yet, I wake up whispering, and smiling,
Hope there's someone
Nice to hold
When I'm tired...
OoO
Shikamaru was kind of staring at me.
We had all gone back to school with the usual slowness to get used to the routine. But habits die hard and we fit into our place easily. Sitting in our places, back to the world of early nights and timetables. Hanging together every day and apparently having the group genius stare at me rather creepily, in his half-lidded, lazy manner.
"What?" I said defensively. We were the only ones from our group in the common room, being our free period and having opted not to go to the library. He raised his eyebrows in question, as if it were me who were staring.
"I didn't say anything."
"...I know. But you're staring at me."
"Hmm..." he said, and didn't even blink. I twitched.
"What? What, what is it? Do I have something on my face?" I asked, pawing at it. Shikamaru sighed leaning back on the plastic chair.
"No. I was thinking," He stated simply, and I narrowed my eyes at him.
"Thinking about what?" I asked suspiciously.
"Sasuke and you," he replied, and I started, tensing in a moment.
"What about us?" I wasn't sure if I liked where this was going. If Shikamaru had a theme tune it would be a deceptively simple-sounding one. Some detective-sounding piano and metal wind instruments...calm and slurred and yet the sounds would twine around each other, slipping into one ear, leaving the other, until it creeps into your head and reads everything you thought was hidden.
"Are you together?" he asked bluntly, slouched in his chair, and I blinked, blushing a little.
"Together?" I asked scratching the back of my head.
"Yeah. Together."
"Erm...I guess," I mumbled. Together? It's not exactly like we were going out. It wasn't something that had to be explained or defined. We hung out. We made out. At the moment, it was as simple as that. I knew that like Shikamaru's tune, that was only the surface of things. If Sasuke started asking questions, wanting to know my past... If he wanted me 'figured out' then problems were going to arise. But meanwhile...it was just what it was. No more. No less. We didn't have to figure it out at the moment.
"Why? How did you know?" I asked, not really expecting an answer. He shrugged.
"I just did," he said simply, and I decided Shikamaru could be a little annoying sometimes. "You should tell Sakura," he said suddenly, and I raised my eyebrows at him.
"What?"
"You should tell Sakura," he repeated. I stared at him.
"Why?" he started at me. And I sighed.
"Yeah. Ok,"
Bloody fucking geniuses.
I hated them all.
OoO
"So. What do you want?"
Tsunade was sat at her desk, some thin-rimmed glasses I had never seen before posed at the end of her nose as she looked over here breasts at a fan of papers. I scowled at her and then sighed. I had debated telling her about the men I had seen at my door, and conceded that it was time I was safe rather than sorry.
"Old hag...the other day..." and I told her about the men in suits. How I had frozen on the stairs, and what they had said. That I had gone back to Gaara's and stayed the night, returning early in the morning to find that they were gone. How I had checked the hallway and house for anything; bugs or cameras or bombs, and found nothing. I kept the detail of the gun in my hand to myself. The odd, tense fear that was too low in quantity to be normal. Because, well, it's not like I wasn't exactly practiced in dealing with those kind of people.
"You should move." That was the first thing Tsunade said as I finished, her eyes hard and papers forgotten. I sighed, shaking my head.
"I don't think so, Grandma. If those men were really looking for me, then they'll find me again."
"That's not the point. Maybe they won't. And in any case, we would be making time."
"Time for what?" I asked silently. Time for when they got me? Killed me? Tortured me for the information I held? She didn't say anything, only sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose.
"Look, old, hag," I said, "I'm not gonna spend my life running. I'm just telling you cause I know you would want to know, but I don't expect you do be able to do anything about it." At this her frown deepened, but I shook my head. In the back of my head Colplay was playing, with claps and ringing, undulating guitars and a determined voice.
Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I would cross
"Don't worry, ok? I've been in worse situations," I said, smiling.
"That doesn't exactly make me feel any better," she replied, shaking her head. I grinned, shrugging, because it was the truth.
The fact was, those men were most likely after me. After my past, and the demons inside me. But until they decided to strike, I could do nothing. There was no point in being afraid, in hiding before they were really looking. If life had taught me anything was that an offensive was the best kind of defensive.
I wasn't gonna just roll over and play dead now.
OoO
"Hey, Sakura."
Light was already dimming outside as I walked towards Sakura, arms wrapped around herself to shield from the cold. I had asked her to wait for me at the gates so we could 'catch up', even though every time I thought about the idea of saying something on the lines of 'so, me and Sasuke are practically fucking each other, what do you think?" I cringed inside my head.
"Hey, Naruto. What did you want to do?" she asked with a smile. She looked good in her tight jeans and fashionable knitted sweater and I honestly wondered how she was gonna look when she knew.
"Lets go to that cafe near here." I would have chosen the park, in case she got upset, but the cold air that tinkled like bells in my ears was piercing, with the clouded sky threatening January with snow.
"Yeah, ok, I'm freezing," she said, and we linked arms to preserve body heat as we walked forwards.
The fact that Sakura had a crush, maybe even loved Sasuke, was on the forefront of my mind. But I also knew that as hurt as she may be by the news, she wasn't irrational. She wouldn't blame me, or hate me, or anything. I wasn't scared of her reaction. It was more a matter of how hurt she would be. I didn't want to make her cry. That was the last thing I wanted to do. But I knew that if she was really a friend worth keeping, and I was convinced she was, she would never ask me to leave Sasuke for her sake.
'Leave Sasuke'. I snorted in my head. Somehow the phrase sounded stupid. Immature. As if anything could be as simple as that.
"So how was your New Year?" Sakura asked as we took our hot, steaming drinks from the bar to a little two-person table, tucked in at the back of the quaint cafe. She pulled her gloves off and smiled at me with pink cheeks. I grinned back out of habit, even as my stomach clenched. The situation was way too awkward. I had never been in a position where I had to announce any kind of relationship to anybody, and it seemed ridiculous to be in it. But, apparently, necessary.
"Good. Good. Actually...that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about..." I said, deciding it was best not to drag the anxiety out. I wrapped my hands around the hot cup and looked down, searching for a distraction. Sakura lowered hers from her lips and I caught her tilting her head slightly, her pinkish hair brushing her cheek.
"Oh? Naruto...is something wrong?" She asked worriedly, and I sighed, shaking my head.
"No, no, not really. I just...kind of think you should hear this from me." I looked up and she tensed slightly, obviously not looking forward to whatever I was about to tell her. I sighed again, blushing and scratching the back of my head. How was I supposed to do this?!
"Well...you see. It's not like it's...no well...urgh," I stuttered, pulling at my hair. Sakura stared at me and I shook my head to order my thoughts. "You see...it's about Sasuke and me."
As soon as I said that, her face paled and went frighteningly blank. For a second I almost rapped my tongue around a lie; that Sasuke and I had a fight. But I knew that would only complicate things.
"You see, er.." I went on, "we kind of...hooked up. Not that we're going out...I don't think. I mean, we only...I mean...urgh, I suck at this," I cut myself off, putting my face in my hand. Sakura said nothing and I peeked at her through my fingers as the pause elongated. She was just staring into the distance. Her hands were slack and her eyes unfocused and a tiny frown wrinkled the space between her eyebrows. I watched her silently, trying to come up with something to say, To guess what the hell she was thinking. But just when the silence became unbearable she turned to me with a smile that was as sad as it was happy and said,
"I don't know why I'm so surprised. I saw it coming a mile away," she sighed, shaking her head. Still smiling. My eyes widened and heart slowed down. "I'm happy for you. Both of you," she said, and she couldn't have meant it more. I stared at her, surprise, as a guitar strummed through my head. Melancholic, almost lazy. A soft-spoken voice sung; resigned, content.
I do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
"Sakura..." was all that came to mind. Because I remembered how her eyes had flickered to Sasuke when she took us to her place between the pink trees. Because the hopes you hold for the longest are the ones the hurt the most when they are crushed.
"Don't just...you should be...angry or something," I said tactlessly. She laughed a little, reaching over to squeeze my hand.
"I can't deny that I'm not sad. That I won't go home and maybe scream in my pillow and cry because part of me thought that...maybe...eventually..." Her eyes were bright and I felt my chest constrict painfully, a lump in my throat.
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry
"But that was a small part of me. And I could see how you looked at each other- how he looked at you. And...I'm pretty sure you deserve this much more than me." She gave me half a smile.
"No." the singing voice sung wordlessly, a musical battle cry.
I looked at her for a moment before I scooted my chair to the side and closer to her, closing my arms around her and pulling her into a tight hug. She gave a startled gasp at the sudden movement but after a second she raised her hands and gripped me back.
"Thanks, Sakura," I whispered. She buried her face in my neck and said nothing. But we stayed there, in the dull lights of the cafe, with the strumming, chopped guitar and the voice of the woman who sung in my head.
OoO
Chords on a piano.
A dancing guitar.
Shivering symbols.
And then the strings came in. Twirling.
I closed my eyes. The window was damp and cold against my head as I leaned on it.
My smile was a murder. Dripping uranium, plutonium, fizzing holes in my skin.
The world was dark as a woman chanted,
B-U-D-A. Caledonia! S-E-C-O-R. Magnolia!
B-I-R-D-S. And Kankakee! Evansville and Parker City
There was someone on the side walk opposing my building, staring at me. I raised the gun and placed the barrel against the cold glass.
"Come get me,
bitch."
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
A/N
Miracle of miracles. A chapter. A new chapter. A new chapter that I actually like.
In the words of Napoleon Dynamite, "yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss"
Right. As always, sorry for the delay. Summer, you know. The heat. The sand. The sea. Blame God. XD
Riiight, a few people to mention. Firstly, 'Aiwin' because she's the one who gave me the word and definition for 'threlvisty' and feeds me delicious, delicious music, and probably pisses coolness. Nuff said.
Aaand, 'MikoKriszty', cause she totally slapped me awake. Hopefully you can tell that this chapter is more music orientated. And I will modestly mention that the music in this chapter is pure sex and I would totally fuck that second song bare.
And, of course, my Leta 'Every Dog Has Its Day'. Laughing fits FTW.
But yes. This is your pilot speaking, saying; review or be eaten my Chinese pineapples.