Chapter 14

Captain James Deakins drifted past Alex's desk. As he had every day for the three weeks since Bobby had returned to work, he asked, "How is he?"

Alex glanced over to watch Bobby conduct his usual struggle with the copy machine. As she had for every day in the three weeks since Bobby had returned, she said "He's ok."

Deakins did not respond with his usual understanding look and nod. He checked the nearly empty office and studied Bobby for a moment. "He's missed his last three appointments with Dr. Huang."

Alex head shot up.

Deakins stood quietly. "Huang called me…told me Goren said he was involved in cases…"

"We…we have been." Alex struggled with her loyalty to Bobby and her concern for him. "But…he should have been able to make at least one or two appointments…"

"You didn't know he'd missed them?" Deakins asked quietly.

Alex shook her head. "He doesn't…like to talk about them…even to acknowledge them…I know he doesn't like them…"

"Look, Alex…He's been cleared to come back to work…and as far as I can tell his work has been…well, it's always been commendable, but in these last weeks he's gone to another level. But Huang's concerned…he doesn't want to cause trouble for Bobby, but he's concerned about him. " Deakins gave a barely audible sigh. "I can't…and I don't want to…make this an ultimatum for Bobby. And I hate to put this on your shoulders…but I need to know if there's a problem, and you're the only person who seems to be in a position to tell me if there is."

Alex watched Bobby fumble with the copy paper. Under normal circumstances her partner's legendary travails with office equipment would have been the cause for some amusement, but neither Alex nor Deakins felt much like laughing.

"I…I don't know if I am in a position to tell you," Alex said hesitantly. "He's never been completely open about a lot of things…even with me…but lately…it's as if he doesn't exist outside of work."

Deakins gave her a sympathetic look. "I'll talk to him," he said gently. "But…well, just let me know if there's anything…"

Alex nodded. "I will."

Bobby, another battle with the copier ended, approached them. He was, Alex thought, drawn and tired, the shadows under his eyes darker and deeper than usual. For the past three weeks Bobby had been in the office in the morning when Alex arrived; he remained after she left. "I wonder if he's getting any real rest at all," Alex thought.

"Hey," Bobby said, smiling at both Alex and Deakins. "I swear I have really bad karma with that copier." He was about to sit down when Deakins stopped him.

"Bobby, just a moment…I need to speak to you."

Surprised, Bobby gave Alex a quick glance and followed the captain into his office. She tried to keep her mind on the arrest reports in front of her, but her eyes returned to Deakins' office. Deakins sat on the edge of his desk ("So he's trying not to be confrontational," Alex thought); Bobby in a chair. Bobby slumped slightly, and then straightened. Bobby stood up, and Alex saw Deakins briefly rest a hand on the younger man's shoulder as he left the office.

"Everything ok?" Alex asked as Bobby sat across from her.

He considered the question. "Uh…yea….fine." Bobby focused on the reports in front of him.

Alex took a deep breath. "Bobby," she asked tentatively, "are you making your appointments…"

Bobby's head shot up. "Why," he hissed, "is everyone so interested…" He struggled to control his anger. Before she could catch herself, Alex recoiled.

Bobby's eyes darkened and softened. "I'm…s—sorry," he whispered. "It's …just that…that's what Deakins wanted to talk to me about…and…." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Look," he said, "I'm fine…really…"

"But Bobby," Alex leaned forward. "You're not FINE. I can tell you're not sleeping well…I never see you eat…"

"I…C'mon, you know I've never slept well." Bobby fidgeted in his chair. "And I'm eating…" He could tell his words weren't convincing Alex. Bobby pulled his one ace. "And my work…Eames, not to blow my own horn, but my work has been good…Even Deakins said so…"

Alex sighed. Bobby had played his trump card. His work had been exceptional since his return, not only on their cases, but on others. He had always been the Major Case Squad's go to player, the detective other detectives went to when the case seemed impossible, but in the past weeks he had polished his already brilliant reputation. His behavior had been remarkable as well, not for its eccentricity, but for its accommodation and understanding. Instead of barging into situations, Bobby had carefully rumbled; and, at every point, deflected praise from himself to other detectives, Deakins, Alex, even Carver. But through all of it, Alex sensed a rising tension in Bobby, an effort to distance himself from everything and everyone around him. All of his contacts—even with her—were on a formal, business like level. Alex not only missed the personal contact, but she feared that Bobby had started viewing the individuals in their cases—victims and perps—as something less than human. And she feared that Bobby was trying to treat himself as something less than human.

"No one can argue with your work, Bobby," she said. "But you're pushing yourself so hard…and you've been through…"

"I know…I was there, remember?" Bobby snapped. Seeing Alex's fallen face, he immediately hated his words. "I'm …I'm sorry…that…wasn't fair…" Bobby felt terrible. "You're…right….I've been pushing too hard…Afraid everyone could get along without me…" He gave her a wan smile. "I've…promised Deakins…I'll be a good boy and make my appointments….I don't think the sessions are that important, but for Deakins…and you…" His voice had suddenly become very soft.

As Bobby spoke, Alex's emotions ranged from badly hurt to anger to forgiveness. "You shouldn't go to them for Deakins…or me…" Her voice dropped, Alex couldn't meet Bobby's eyes. "You should do it for you."

Bobby stared at his computer screen. "Yea…well…Huang's a good psychiatrist…but…it's hard for me…to see the need…"

Alex summoned more strength. "Bobby, you know about psychology…more than almost anyone…you could probably get a doctorate…you know you need to talk about this…tell someone…"

"Eames," Bobby sighed. "I keep telling everyone…I'm OK…It's over…just a few dreams, and I wouldn't be normal if I didn't have those. Please…"

Alex thought he was decidedly not "OK", but the exhaustion and plea in Bobby's voice ended her pursuit. "Ok," she said.

In the next weeks, Bobby more than kept up his end of the unspoken bargain. He faithfully attended his sessions with Dr. Huang; he performed his work with exceptional brilliance; he insisted he was fine. And Alex watched as he seemed to disappear more and more into his emotional cave.

End Chapter 14