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Over the next couple days, Rodney can hardly think straight when he is around John. He tries to imagine how he could possibly admit to being in love him. It's not like it's going to come up in casual conversation. They are always bantering and joking around, but serious talks don't exactly seem like John's cup of tea. They aren't really Rodney's forte either.

The idea of a letter crosses his mind, but he dismisses it as too 13-year-old girl. Maybe there is another way. John likes to drink and Rodney won a bottle whiskey off Carson during a chess game. Carson had thought he could hold his own against Rodney. A rookie mistake. No one can beat Rodney at chess.

Not that Rodney had really wanted the bottle, he had just wanted to win. Maybe one of these nights when he and John go out on the pier... Maybe with a little alcohol, Rodney could work up the courage. Maybe. Maybe tonight.

Rodney heads out of the lab early. John always comes by to find Rodney when he is finishing up. If Rodney leaves now, he will have time to get the loot and make it back before John shows up.

He races to his room, grabs the bottle and couple of small cups. But he doesn't want anyone else to see this and try to join in the fun. Rodney snaps his fingers thinking… A small blanket… he has one, it's around here somewhere. He wraps it over the contents, hoping it doesn't look too conspicuous, and heads back to the lab with it tucked under his arm.

Feeling flushed from his brisk walk, Rodney waits impatiently. Maybe it's not the walk that his him flushed. He hopes his cheeks don't look too pink and tries to calm himself.
He is so nervous. What is he going to say?

Oh God, what if John rejects him. Maybe Rodney doesn't have to say too much. Just something to let John know that he wants more.

Better not to think about it. Just let it-. John walks in looking casually sexy as always. Rodney has been sitting facing the door in anticipation, usually he waits for John to lean over his shoulder and ask what he is doing.

"Let's go." Rodney jumps to his feet and races to the door.

John follows him; waiting until they are in the hall to ask, "Go where?"

Rodney stops and unfolds the cache.

"Whoa." John raises his eyebrows, "Cover that back up. We don't want anyone else to see it."

"The pier?" Rodney suggests.

"Let's go." John tells him, looking pleased.

The two of them make their way out to the empty North pier and sit on the edge with their feet dangling. This is one of John's favorite spots, Rodney knows he prefers this pier to the others. Not sure why though, they are pretty much the same even before the sun goes down.

"Oh, this is good." John smacks his lips, "Good plan Rodney."

Rodney sips his glass; it burns in his throat and makes him feel warm. He and John talk, the way they always do.

This is going to be harder than Rodney thought. He feels like they already have something intimate… but how can Rodney take it to the next level? He refreshes their drinks and stops looking for an opening.

He just isn't good at this kind of thing… He'll leave things the way they are. Maybe he can just love John from a distance and not risk the rejection. Rodney doesn't like risks or rejection. But something about John makes him want to try anyway. Chugging the rest of his glass quickly, Rodney makes a face as it goes down.

"All right, Rodney." John laughs.

Oh. Maybe that was too much. Rodney feels like it is going to his head already. He leans back and looks at the stars, "You know, none of these stars here in the Pegasus galaxy have names."

"They have names, Rodney." John smirks.

Staring up at the night sky makes him feel calm. He always liked looking up at the stars. It is one of the only times he feels safe being small or insignificant in the universe. Physics is the closest thing to spirituality to him. The elegant design of the cosmos.

He sighs, "It's still beautiful."

"Who knew you were such a romantic?" John sounds surprised.

Rodney tilts his head back and looks at John, speaking softly, "I can be romantic."

John stares at Rodney with those inscrutable dark pools, those bewitching eyes.

And Rodney stares back. John must be able to see how much Rodney is longing for him. He must.

"You know, we could name them." Rodney quietly ventures.

"Okay." John looks up thoughtfully.

Pulling out the blanket, Rodney folds it into a small pillow. He sits up and hopes John will follow him. Placing the blanket on the ground, he lies down on his back. There is just enough room for John to join him on the makeshift pillow. Rodney holds his breath as John moves over to him.

John looks down at Rodney inquisitively before kneeling, but he lays down right up against him. They are so close. Rodney's breath hitches; he can feel John's arms and legs resting along side his. So close but still too far away. Rodney sighs.

Using his free hand to point, Rodney asks, "What about that one?"

"That one?" John points to the same prominent constellation.

"Yeah it kinda looks like wings… If you look at the –"

"Yeah," John interrupts, "I see it. So, what do you want to call it?"

"The Batcape?" Rodney puzzles.

"Okay, your naming privileges are officially revoked." Rodney can feel John's head brushing against his as it shakes lightly.

"Well, after my favorite superhero."

He can hear the smirk in John's voice, "Yeah, I got that."

"Well, what then?" Rodney frowns.

"I think it looks more like chariot… Momento Mori."

"Moment what?"

"Momento Mori." John says with confidence, "It's Latin for 'remember that you will die."

"That's cheerful." Rodney retorts.

"See, the Roman generals…" John explains, "When they came back from a victory, to the waiting throngs… There was this guy who rode in the chariot with him, calling to the crowds, 'Momento Mori, Momento Mori'…

It was a reminder not to be overconfident. A victory one day can be snatched away the next. Enjoy life while you have it and don't be overconfident. You know… one day you may feel exuberant and immortal, the next day you could be gone."

John pauses, "I think it's kind of romantic."

Turning his head to gaze at John, Rodney doesn't make his usual snippy comment.

As John stares up at the constellation, Rodney admires his profile. But then John turns his head on the pillow and gazes back at Rodney. Almost close enough to kiss.

"I think it reminds us to cherish the most essential things in life." John tells him. "Not to forget that we are human… sometimes we can mistakes."

He looks away for a moment, then gazes intently into Rodney's eyes, "You know, sometimes I make decision early on… I can get locked into one way of thinking…" he says it as if he might be talking about Rodney.

"There are some decisions I wish I could take back, or maybe I just wish I had been more…" John blinks at him with soft eyes, "done something more. Let myself…" His eyes bat down almost shy.

Rodney trails his fingers over the back of John's hand next to him.

When John looks back up, his eyes are full of longing, but John stays very still.

It seems like John wants this as much as he does. Rodney's breath is coming in shallow and he feels dizzy now. He curls his fingers around John's hand, holding it softly.

"Uh, I, sometimes…" Rodney licks his lips, "I've been thinking that I to want live life more… I mean, sometimes I hold back… a lot…"

Lifting his head off the pillow, Rodney can't believe he is about to do this, "I don't want to hold back anymore."

He leans forward, inches above John's face. And John's hand flutters under Rodney's. Then it squeezes Rodney's hand tightly into his. John gazes up at him, his face full of desire under the alien moonlight.

Rodney leans in slowly to take what he has been wanting for so long.

As he feels John's breath on his lips, warm and just a whisper away, John suddenly releases Rodney's hand out from under his and stumbles back away.

With a horrified and disgusted expression on his face, John tells him, "I'm sorry," he shakes his head like he has tasted something sour, "I don't know how to do this."

All of Rodney's usual defenses are returning, he makes a bitter and sarcastic face as he reels from the sting of rejection, "Really?" He thinks back to the aggressive way John had fucked him in Antartica, "Because I kinda thought you did."

"No, I- I can't." John walks backward, "Sorry, McKay" Then he turns away and is gone into the darkness.

Oh. Okay. Now he's McKay again. Rodney feels cold and empty. What ever led him to believe that John would want him again? What happened between them in Antartica... Rodney knows it was just meaningless sex for John. It was stupid, to get his hopes up that could be more. So stupid. Rodney hates himself so much.

He isn't the kind of person that anyone would care for that way. Why did he get his hopes up? How can he ever face John again? Rodney doesn't usually drink but he feels like the rejection has shocked him sober.

Well, he doesn't plan on staying that way; tonight he plans on drinking plenty. He is going to get good and drunk to forget all this. Numbly reaching for the bottle, Rodney tries to crowd out the dark thoughts in head. Just long enough until the liquor does it for him.

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