Note: In response to a guest, I do have something later with Gray, Jellal, and Meredy, although it's a small part of something else and not for a while.
Okay, this next part isn't directed at anyone in particular, just my rantings on some comments I've been noticing lately on this story and a few others. Guys, I do not do demands. I consider and sometimes take requests (although I'm more likely to actually do them if you said something relevant about the story as well), I'm interested in hearing what you liked and what you'd like to see and even what you're not sold on, but I have no patience for people telling me to write XYZ or update faster or write longer/shorter pieces. I don't play those games. I don't demand anything from you and I'm not one of those authors who hold their stories ransom for reviews, because I think that's bullshit and readers don't owe me anything. But neither do I owe readers anything. I'm glad y'all enjoy reading what I post and I definitely appreciate your reviews, but I'm not obligated to post any more than you're obligated to review. Just...consider how you're saying things. There's a big difference between politely asking/requesting and rudely demanding.
I've already sort of lost interest in posting this. Like, I'm still happily writing and editing it, but posting has become a tedious chore for whatever reason (idk, you'd think that would be the fun, easy part, right?). I've been considering taking a break from posting, but even though this isn't a really popular story, I know that there are a few people still following it. I'd rather not cut out on y'all, especially since I have so much of this ready to post. I'm trying to keep it on track, but if I disappear for a little while... Idk what to tell you. Having people demand crap makes posting seem like even more of a chore, tbh.
Most of y'all are great, and I really do appreciate the support. I'm just feeling grumpy atm :3
Control/Strength
A loud crash echoed through the hallways of the manor, and Lucy's head automatically swiveled toward the sound. She sighed and shook her head.
"Well, the fire-breathing idiot is still in fine form, I see," Gray remarked from beside her, more amused than exasperated. And despite Lucy's own annoyance, she was glad of his good humor. It was good to see him in a better mood.
"Honestly, what is he doing? They're just bandits…"
"You know how he always has to overdo everything. Alternatively, it's possible that some of these bandits have magic, which could explain why he's off destroying everything."
Lucy eyed Gray in alarm as he opened a door, peered around cautiously, shook his head at her, and continued down the dimly-lit hallway.
"You think they have magic?" she asked as she hurried after him.
"How should I know?" He checked another room, shook his head again, and moved on. "But it's always a possibility. Just because someone's not in a guild doesn't mean that they can't have magic. It might explain why these guys have been such a pain to catch."
Lucy grimaced, not liking that idea. This was supposed to be an easy job. Not that it had really been difficult so far…more like annoying. Their poor client had been kicked out of his own mansion by a group of bandits who apparently intended to use it as a home base for a while until they ransacked the place and disappeared into the night. They'd managed to cow the entire surrounding town, too.
But as far as mage-work went, these guys were small fry. It was just a pain because this place was huge, and they were searching for a couple dozen men in a messy labyrinth of hallways and rooms. They'd already found most of their targets, but there were still a few on the loose.
"Maybe it just means that they're all on Natsu and Erza's side," Lucy said hopefully.
"Where's the fun in that?" Gray asked with a chuckle. "It would be so boring if those guys got all the action."
"I don't know," Lucy muttered as she peeked into an empty room behind Gray, "I don't mind avoiding the action."
"Oh, please. You know you like it more than you let on."
Like hell she would admit that. "Don't you think we should be quiet in case we're about to stumble on someone?"
Gray chuckled again and scanned another room. "You're the boss, Luce."
And, indeed, he stayed quiet after shooting her one more amused look. Lucy still had the feeling that he was laughing at her on the inside, but she chose to ignore that. They searched the rooms lining the hallway in relative silence, only their muffled footsteps lingering in the air.
Tiring of just following behind Gray, Lucy decided to relieve her nervous boredom by taking over door-opening duty on the left side of the hall. Gray raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. They worked their way down the hallway much more quickly this way, but Lucy was starting to wonder why they weren't finding anyone when they could still occasionally hear Natsu destroying things on the other side of the building. They really had gotten the quiet side. Lucy wasn't complaining about that, but she was starting to lose patience. Who needed a house with this many rooms, anyway? Her own childhood mansion pushed firmly out of mind, she could shake her head at the eccentricities of the rich without feeling like a hypocrite.
She was so distracted by her own thoughts, and so used to seeing only empty rooms when she opened doors, that she almost missed the bandit entirely. She was already half turning away before she caught a slight movement out of the corner of her eye and turned back to see the sandy-haired man crouching in the back of the room as he shoved valuables into the sack beside him. Honestly, his comrades were being hunted down by mages and his first thought was to grab all the valuables before he made his escape? What a charmer.
Damn it, she had clearly chosen the wrong side of the hallway.
"Hey, you!" she said loudly. "You–"
He looked up at the sound of her voice, eyes widening as he jumped to his feet and threw a wave of…something…at her. There was a muffled curse from behind her, and a wall of ice sprang up just ahead of her to block whatever magic was coming her way. Lucy started to breathe a sigh of relief, but then the ice shattered and almost seemed to vaporize into nothing. What the hell? Gray's ice was damnably strong—what was powerful enough to pulverize it so completely?
Gray grabbed her from behind and pulled her to the side, out of the way of whatever had decimated his magic.
"Awesome," he muttered, releasing her when they were safely tucked behind the side of a large, overwrought armoire.
"What was that?" Lucy asked in disbelief.
Gray clicked his tongue in annoyance and peeked around the side of their temporary shield. "He's a dispeller. Some kind of nullification magic. Dispellers are always such a pain to deal with, but at least his offense probably sucks. Nullification magic is usually much better at destroying enemy magic than actually attacking enemies."
"I'll take care of him," Lucy said with a huff.
"Let me do it."
"Why?" she asked indignantly, drawing herself up to her full height and glaring at him. "I can handle it."
"I know you can. But dispellers are bad news, and I might have an edge here. I doubt he can dispel my curses. And he seems like a pain. His magic probably isn't any good for offensive maneuvers, but he has good reflexes. He threw it at you when you came in because he knows there are mages hunting down his crew and was expecting you to attack with magic right away. And since his magic isn't good for attacks, he probably has tricks up his sleeve. You didn't want any action anyway, right?"
The underlying message Lucy was getting from this was that Gray didn't think she could handle this guy. "I can do it," she said stubbornly, crossing her arms over her chest. "And I'm not worried about his magic. I have my spirits."
"Well, yeah, but–"
A door flew open with a bang from back out in the hallway, and they turned to see three more bandits appear in the doorway.
"Hell," Gray growled. He jumped out from behind their makeshift shield, his hands already moving as he turned on the newcomers. "You know what, go for it. I'll take care of these guys."
Well, Lucy would show him. She was strong and independent and could take care of herself. Leaving Gray to handle the other bandits, she stepped out and took a few more steps into the room to avoid the sudden melee in the doorway.
Instead of taking advantage of the Fairy Tail mages' distraction to make a getaway, the first bandit was still shoveling valuables into his sack, albeit at a much more frantic rate. Honestly.
"You, there!" she said loudly, pulling out her ring of keys and giving her target a disapproving look. "Stop at once."
He looked up, spotted her, and cursed under his breath. Before he had the chance to do anything, Lucy whipped out Aries's key and opened the gate. Gray thought this guy's reflexes were fast, huh? Well, hers were fast too. So there.
"Aries, take this guy out, will you?"
"I-I'll do my best," the spirit stuttered nervously. "Wool bomb!"
One moment pink wool was exploding across the room, and the next it was shimmering and vaporizing. Aries's eyes widened and she stepped back, one hand rising to hover uncertainly near her mouth.
"I-I'm sorry! Wool–" She gasped as her form seemed to waver. "W-what–?"
Lucy gaped in disbelief as Aries shimmered out of view and disappeared. Okay, so her magic being dispelled wasn't that surprising, but Aries herself…?
"Nice try," said the bandit, starting toward Lucy with confident steps and a humorless smile. "I'd heard they sent mages after us, but I was expecting a little more of a challenge."
"You…" Lucy grabbed another key. "Taurus!"
The portal started opening, but then the bandit raised his hand and it disappeared from view again.
"You mages are such a pain," he said. "But you can't do anything to me, so why don't you be a good girl and run off home?"
Lucy stepped back, her mind racing. She couldn't summon her spirits because he could dispel her magic. But…what about Loke?
"Loke? This would be a great time for you to show up and make yourself useful…"
Hopefully he was paying attention, but he always seemed to know when she was in trouble, and everything with Aries and Taurus had probably caught his attention. And since he was the only one of her spirits who could materialize without her needing to open a gate…
"Did my lady call?"
Lucy half turned, breathing a sigh of relief as she spotted Loke next to her. "Thank goodness. Can you–?"
"Don't be silly," the bandit interrupted, rolling his eyes and raising his hands.
Loke's form flickered, and his eyes widened behind his glasses. "What the hell–?"
He disappeared, leaving Lucy to gape at the empty space where he had just been.
"Your spirits can only come here through magic portals, and their presence here is maintained by magic," the bandit said, his voice bored. "Whether you summon them or not, there's still magic involved. If I nullify that, they can't stay here."
Lucy belatedly realized why Gray hadn't been reassured when she'd said that she could still use her spirits. They were as useless against a dispeller as any other kind of magic was.
There was a cry of pain behind her and a loud crash, reminding her of the other fight that was raging here. Hopefully Gray was having more luck than she was.
"Hey, Gray?" she asked, her voice rising slightly in pitch as she began to back up.
The dispeller smiled thinly and began walking toward her again. "I gave you your chance to leave, girlie. You attacked me instead. I guess I'll have to kill you now."
Why, oh why had she stopped carrying her whip? For all her talk about how she fought alongside her spirits… It had just seemed unnecessary when she always had her spirits to protect her and could now use star dress magic. She hadn't tried the latter because of the whole nullification thing, but hadn't counted on it taking away her ability to call on her spirits too. With both options effectively taken off the table, her whip would have come in real handy. Had she perhaps become too reliant on her magic?
She suddenly saw the sense in how the rest of the team stayed in peak physical condition in addition to training their magic. It was a secondary line of defense that she didn't really have, and now, without her magic, she was practically defenseless.
"Gray?"
But Gray was evidently busy with his own fight, and the dispeller lunged forward suddenly, whipping out a knife. Lucy backpedaled desperately. What was it that Gray had said about dispellers needing tricks up their sleeve since their magic wasn't any good for offense? Of course this guy had weapons on him, and Lucy again fervently wished that she still had her whip.
Well, she did have one physical line of defense…
"Lucy kick!"
Her foot connected with her assailant's face, and he stumbled back with a string of curses. But her reprieve was short lived as he lunged at her again, shoving her to the ground. She cried out and struggled, but physical strength had never been her strong suit, and this man was strong. He planted a knee on her chest and pinned her wrists above her head with one hand.
"Sorry about this, girlie," he said, although he didn't sound terribly apologetic.
Lucy stared up at the knife, mesmerized by the glint of iron and the razor-sharp point. She couldn't breathe. And then it was coming down, and she was screaming and squeezing her eyes shut as she turned her head away and struggled to free herself.
Something slammed into her attacker, and his weight disappeared from her chest. She opened her eyes just in time to see Gray shove the bandit away. Oh, thank goodness.
But something was wrong.
Gray was moving like lightning as he viciously attacked the dispeller and threw him like a ragdoll before pouncing again. It was almost too fast and vicious to be entirely human, and reminded Lucy of those heart-stopping moments when Gray had given in to the shadows in order to defeat Zeref. She hadn't been able to get a good look at what happened then either, since it had all happened so fast and was shrouded in shadow curses and black magic, but the savagery of motion was the same.
His shadow had come to life again, twisting about like a monstrous beast as it darted for the hapless bandit, and it seemed like all the shadows in the room were bending toward Gray and reaching for his victim. And although it was hard to get a good look at Gray when the shadows swirled about him so thickly, she caught a glimpse of his face and recoiled. His mouth was twisted in fury, and his eyes blazed black with a demonic wrath that he rarely let Lucy and the others see.
He had definitely snapped.
The bandit cried out in pain as Gray slammed him into the wall and grabbed him around the throat. The flurry of attacks was almost too fast to see and whatever the curses were doing to the man must be horrific judging by the garbled sounds of pain he was making, but Gray wasn't finished. He pulled the bandit away and shoved him hard so that he stumbled and collapsed to the ground. The ice mage lunged again.
"Gray!" Lucy cried, scrambling to her feet as she finally found her voice. "Gray, stop! He's finished!"
Gray wasn't stopping. Pouncing on the disabled bandit, he held him down roughly and raised a hand. Something about the position and finality, about the dangerous mix of shadow and darkened ice curling about his fist, told Lucy that this was going to be a death blow.
"Gray!" she screamed.
No, no, this wasn't happening. Not only would someone die, but Gray would be left dealing with the repercussions—not only with the renewed hostility of the Council and guild, but with his own guilt. Lucy could already see it, how horribly earthshattering this would be.
She lurched forward, but there was nothing she could do. Gray's fist was coming down, and Lucy could only watch in panicked horror.
At the last second, his fist flinched to the side and slammed into the floor next to the bandit's face, sending ice and shadow flying. Gray remained motionless, hunched over the dispeller with his head bowed and his fist firmly connected to the crater in the floor. Lucy hardly dared breathe, afraid that one wrong move would set him off again. Heart in her throat, she cautiously tried to get a glimpse of his face. But his hair was in the way and his face was cloaked in shadow, and it was impossible to tell.
Then she caught sight of his other hand, which had released the dispeller and was clenched tightly into a trembling fist, the knuckles white. Her heart sank.
The bandit was white-faced and shaking, staring up at Gray with wide, frightened eyes. He hardly dared to move, but when Gray stayed absolutely still for much too long, he finally asked, "W-what a-are you?"
Gray growled deep in the back of his throat, a low, primal sound that made Lucy's hair stand on end. She didn't know how it was even possible for him to make that sound.
He stood suddenly and pulled the bandit up with him, spinning him about and slamming him back into the wall face first. The dispeller made a strangled choking sound, but Gray just hooked into his shadow and pulled it up to twine about his wrists tightly. Then he shoved the man away, where he fell to the floor in a heap.
Gray himself stayed standing, only lowering his head to rest his forehead against the wall. His entire body was tense, but he was so still that it almost looked like he wasn't alive at all.
Lucy swallowed hard and took a hesitant step forward. "Gray?"
Footsteps echoed from behind her, and she turned to see Erza, Natsu, and Happy burst into the room, stepping over the three unconscious bandits strewn across the floor. Their eyes darted about every which way as they took in the scene.
"What happened?" Erza demanded. "We heard you screaming."
"I, um… We…" Lucy shook her head helplessly and darted a glance at Gray.
"Is he alright?" Happy asked.
"Um… I don't…know…"
Gray growled again, making Lucy and the others startle. He turned slightly to fix cold eyes on his shadow, which Lucy suddenly noticed was still writhing about and had begun creeping toward the prone dispeller. It hesitated and then grudgingly retreated to lurk around Gray's feet, although it still kept twitching like it was alive.
That thing freaked Lucy out. Gray was always so wishy-washy about what it actually was and what it could do, but it almost seemed alive sometimes and he tended to alternate between disdainful wariness and distaste when dealing with it, which was not reassuring. And it always seemed especially active when his more demonic side started peeking through, which Lucy also took to be a bad sign.
"Gray?" Erza asked as he finally moved. "Are you okay? What happened?"
Gray was silent for another long moment, but then finally turned to face them all the way. His eyes still shone with cold fury and had an inhuman quality to them, and the way he held himself exuded predatory grace. Lucy swallowed hard and rocked back a half-step.
"I lost control," Gray said tersely, his voice a gravelly growl that held no warmth. He started forward, his strides clipped as he pushed past the mages in the doorway. "I'll be back later."
Lucy and the others stared after him as he took off down the hall and disappeared around the corner, the shadows reaching after him as he went. A heavy silence hung over the room for a long time, but then Natsu turned back to Lucy.
"What the hell was that?" he asked.
Lucy dropped her gaze to the floor as the others looked to her for an explanation of what had just happened. "I, um… Well, he was taking care of, um, those three over there, and I was supposed to be…" She gestured vaguely to the battered bandit halfway across the room. "But he had nullification magic and was forcing all my gates closed, so I, um…I couldn't do anything. He got me pinned down and was going to… But then Gray came out of nowhere and started slamming him around and… Yeah, he, um…he lost control."
She wrapped her arms around herself, her voice lowering as she added, "I thought he was going to kill him, but he stopped himself at the last second."
No one said anything for a painful minute.
"Is he alright?" Happy asked finally. "Should we go after him?"
"I don't think so. I think he needs to calm down and get himself back under control. He, um, he still looked like he was pretty…out of it."
"But he's not even Awake," Natsu said, looking thoroughly disconcerted.
Erza let out a harsh breath. "Isn't this what he's always telling us? That he's still as much demon as human? I don't think he has to be Awake for that. I wonder if he's been having more trouble since he Awakened against Zeref… He never gave himself away with stuff like this before, but lately he sometimes has lapses or dark things bleed through for a moment. I think he must struggle with it sometimes, but it sounds like his control slipped a lot more than it usually does. It's probably best to leave him alone until he gets himself sorted out."
"He won't be happy when he does, either," Natsu said, subdued. "It might not have been an Awakening, but losing control like that is frightening and it feels like a failure. Just… Let's try not to say anything insensitive. He'll already feel bad about it."
Lucy thought it ironic that Natsu was the one lecturing them on emotional repercussions, but then remembered that he'd been Awake too and had been shaken by the experience, although he never talked about it. It made her heart hurt for both him and Gray, and she had the sinking feeling that he was right.
She felt a sudden stab of guilt. Gray had lost control because she had taken on a fight she couldn't handle, had been weak, had almost gotten herself killed. She hadn't felt this weak and useless in a long time, and because of that, Gray…
Lucy stayed quiet as the team minus Gray finished cleaning up, stewing in her own guilt and worry. Everyone else seemed tense and subdued as well, but Erza, always the responsible one, kept them moving.
It took a while to round up all the beaten bandits, turn them over to the Knights, and collect their reward, but by the time they made it back to the guild, Gray was still nowhere to be seen. When other guild members asked why they seemed so glum, no one wanted to be the one to explain. Some people were still wary enough of Gray already, without hearing that he'd lost control for a few minutes and taking it as confirmation that they shouldn't trust him.
So the team made vague excuses and settled down to wait. Natsu eventually managed to start up a halfhearted conversation to take their mind off things, but his eyes rarely left the door and Lucy couldn't even bring herself to add more than the occasional comment here and there.
Eventually she couldn't take it anymore and went to sit outside, claiming a bench and staring out at the passersby morosely.
"Lucy."
She turned her head to stare blankly at Loke. He was perched on the bench next to her, eyes solemn and mouth pressed in a firm line.
"Hi," she said without any conviction.
Loke sighed. "I'm sorry I couldn't do anything."
Lucy wasn't sure how much he knew about what had happened after he'd been dispelled—he always seemed to know more than he should, but she could never tell what he'd know and what he wouldn't—but she understood. He felt like he'd failed her. And since she had, in a way, failed Gray, she understood the feeling.
"It's not your fault," she mumbled, returning her gaze to her feet. "I couldn't do anything either. I was totally useless and Gray had to save me, but because I let myself get caught, he… He wouldn't have lost control like that if I hadn't messed up."
Loke was silent for a moment, entirely inscrutable, but then sighed again. "You're not useless, Lucy. Sometimes things go wrong, and sometimes there are fights that you just aren't suited to win. You can't do everything alone.
"I think…I think that the 'why' matters as much as the 'what'. He might have lost control, but it was because he cared about you and panicked when he saw how much trouble you were in. So it's hard to fault him, and I'm grateful that he protected you when I couldn't. But it isn't your fault either. Things got out of hand, that's all. You did what you could. You both did what you could. Sometimes that just has to be enough. Playing the blame game isn't going to get you—or him—anywhere. You both did what you had to."
Lucy's lips trembled, and she sniffled as she rubbed at the tears welling in her eyes. Loke wrapped an arm around her, and she leaned against his shoulder gratefully.
"Thanks," she mumbled. "I–I–"
"It's okay, Lucy. It's okay."
She nodded slightly and they both lapsed into silence once more, just relying on each other for support and company. And maybe having an understanding friend sit with her so that she wasn't alone was exactly what she needed right now. They sat there for a long time, until Loke regretfully informed her that he would need to return to the Celestial Spirit World.
But by then Lucy had at least calmed down a lot. She still felt bad about the whole situation, but Loke's words and mere presence had been soothing, and now she felt better able to handle the world. She returned to sit with the team again, brimming with quiet determination. She would find a way to make up for this by trying to give Gray what Loke had given her.
It was hours before Gray returned.
When he finally slipped inside the guild, his posture was still tense and he wasn't quite looking at anyone. Weaving his way through the other guild members, he made his way across the hall and sat down beside Erza. The halfhearted conversation immediately ceased as everyone stared at him anxiously.
"Sorry about that," Gray muttered, staring studiously at the tabletop.
Erza waved off the apology. "Are you alright?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?" Natsu's lips quirked downward into a frown as he eyed his friend.
"Yes." Gray said more forcefully. His lips tightened. "I'm fine."
"But–"
"I said, I'm fine!" he snarled, looking up and baring pointed teeth at the dragon slayer.
Natsu's eyes widened slightly and he flinched back, and he wasn't the only one. The burning wrath in Gray's eyes was enough to make everyone lean back instinctively, and his outburst even caught the attention of a few other guild members.
He glowered at them for a moment longer, but then dropped his head into his hands. "Sorry. Maybe I'm not ready after all. Excuse me."
He stood up and walked away with clipped strides, his shadow cavorting unnaturally on the ground at his feet. He disappeared into the backroom and shut the door behind him, leaving everyone staring after him.
Mira cleared her throat awkwardly in the resulting silence. "Um… Should someone go see if he's alright?"
"Leave him be," Natsu advised. He turned away from the door, and his face was somber.
"But…" Cana shook her head helplessly. "What happened?"
The team exchanged furtive, uncertain looks. No one wanted to say that Gray's control had lapsed and he'd nearly killed someone.
"He's had a rough day," Erza said.
"Doesn't mean he needs to be an asshole," Gajeel grunted, unimpressed.
"Screw off," Natsu snapped back.
Lucy took a deep breath and stood. "I'll go."
"It's probably better to leave him alone for now," Natsu cautioned, giving her a puzzled frown.
"I'll be careful."
"But–"
"He wouldn't be in this position if he hadn't needed to protect me." She set her mouth in a grim line and headed for the backroom. "I owe him this much."
"You don't–"
But Lucy wasn't listening. She had already decided that she needed to do something, even if she wasn't quite sure what that something would be yet. She marched to the other end of the hall with grim determination, and then slipped inside the backroom and quietly shut the door behind her.
Her bravado immediately vanished as she spotted Gray sitting cross-legged on the floor with his back pressed against the opposite wall, his eyes closed. All of Lucy's nervousness returned full force and she shifted uncomfortably, not sure what to do. After a few seconds of awkward hesitation, she approached cautiously and settled herself on the floor beside him, drawing her knees to her chest and locking her arms around them.
Gray didn't so much as twitch or acknowledge her. Lucy opened her mouth, but no words came out and she closed it again. Of course he didn't want to be disturbed—what had she been thinking? But perhaps she could just sit with him as a show of solidarity, like Loke had sat with her.
She lasted for a few minutes. Her nervousness warred with her growing boredom, but even the sound of her breathing in the otherwise silent room was enough to put her on edge. Still, she was doing well enough until she noticed Gray's shadow creeping toward her, one formless, black tendril reaching out. Her breath caught in her throat and she leaned away, her heart pounding. She darted a glance at Gray, debating whether she should ask for help.
"Behave," Gray said without opening his eyes, his voice husky and low as it shattered the silence that had hung over the room for the past several minutes.
The shadow hesitated, but then retreated reluctantly to rest in a more natural position again. Lucy stared at it and then at Gray, who still looked like he was lost in his own silence, working to get himself under control bit by bit.
"Did you want something, Lucy?" he asked finally.
"I, um… I wanted to…apologize."
He opened his eyes to give Lucy a quizzical look, and she almost cried in relief when she didn't see any of his earlier wrath there.
"Apologize?" he asked. "Whatever for?"
Lucy dropped her gaze and hugged her knees tighter. "You were right and I should have listened to you. I wasn't strong enough and you wouldn't have lost control if you hadn't had to protect me, and I'm sorry."
There was a long, heavy pause, somehow saturated with Gray's disbelief.
"Is that what you think I meant?" He sighed heavily. "I wasn't trying to tell you that you were weak or couldn't handle it. You're plenty strong, Lucy. You just caught a bad break here and were at a disadvantage. It's just… Sometimes I worry about you because you don't have the same hard edge that the rest of us do."
"What…? What do you mean?"
"I… It's hard to explain. It's like how Erza is so monstrously powerful, all sharp edges and hard armor. And how Natsu just smashes through everything and is too stubborn and stupid to die. And even I'm ridiculously durable, and I have a ruthless edge when I need it."
Lucy nodded slowly, although she was still confused. She understood what Gray meant about the others' strengths, but she wasn't sure where that left her.
"I'm not saying you aren't strong," Gray added. "It's just that the rest of us wear our strength on the outside, and you wear yours on the inside."
"I…don't understand."
Gray gave her a wan smile. "It's your heart, Luce. Not that the others don't have big hearts, but you're different because that's where you put your strength instead of channeling it into a hard outside edge. You draw a lot of your strength from others, but you also lend it to everyone else. It's like with your spirits and your friends. You're good at inspiring people and bringing out the best in them, and you have so much faith and hope and love that it's blinding sometimes. That's its own kind of strength. I think you're very strong, Lucy, just in a slightly different way than the rest of us."
Lucy swallowed hard, not sure what to say to that. "I…"
"It wasn't that I thought you were too weak or couldn't hold your own," Gray continued as if he hadn't heard her, his gaze glassy. "It's just that every fight comes with a risk. One unlucky shot can do serious damage no matter how strong you are. It's something we accept as mages, but that doesn't mean I like taking the risk if I don't have to. I'd just rather not open you up to the opportunity to get hurt, that's all. I didn't mean to make you feel weak."
Lucy bit her lip and her heart clenched up in a funny way. Gray's words wormed their way into her mind and settled over her heart, and she found herself believing them before she even realized it.
"Thank you," she mumbled. "And, um, thank you for rescuing me, even if you had to…"
She trailed off, the sudden lightness disappearing from her heart again as she remembered why she was here. Maybe she was strong, but today she hadn't been strong enough.
"Always." Gray gave her a wan smile. "It's not your fault, Luce. I didn't lose control because of you; I lost control for you."
Lucy opened her mouth to protest that that was the same thing, but restrained herself. She could pick up on the subtle distinction he was making, and it made her have to gnaw at the inside of her cheek and drop her gaze. Before she could think up a response, Gray was already continuing on.
"You guys aren't going to want to hear this, but…" He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Demons' thinking—however much that is—is very black and white. We have a purpose to fulfill. Anything on the pursuit of accomplishing that is good, anything obstructing or threatening it is unworthy of attention at best and worthy of annihilation at worst. We'll do anything to achieve that purpose, and anything to get rid of obstacles. I'm not as bad because I've spent a long time living like a human and picking up human thought patterns, but sometimes my thinking is still that black and white, especially in the heat of the moment.
"When I decided that I didn't like the purpose I was created with, I tried to make a new one to replace it. And…that's the guild. I turned protecting you into a purpose, and now that I actually fulfilled my main purpose of killing Zeref, this one has a new place of prominence. I'm the most likely to lose control when you're in danger. It's what happened today, and what happened with Eileen when she came so close to killing Erza and everyone else."
He let out a harsh breath and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. "It's not your fault, Lucy. This is my problem. I've started slipping up more since I messed with the seal while with Avatar, and after Awakening… I just need to work some things out and find ways to keep myself under control."
That…explained a lot. Sometimes Gray's mindset was hard to discern when he was always so taciturn and withdrawn now, but this all made sense. He had always been so focused on protecting everyone else, and although this stark black-and-white thing was strange to a human mind, Lucy thought she could understand at least a little.
It was also sad, and she could practically feel the hidden frustration roiling just underneath Gray's more collected façade. Natsu had been right: Gray was frustrated and unhappy with his own limits
The first thing that came to mind was Loke's earlier words, and, apologizing silently, Lucy commandeered them.
"You know," she said quietly, "maybe the 'why' matters as much as the 'what'. I know that losing control is a big deal and not a good thing, but I think it matters why you lose control. It's not because you're just going crazy and deciding you want to destroy everything. It's because you're trying to save your friends, and I think that matters. And in the end, you're still yourself. You're yourself and you're a good person and you have a really big heart even though you try to hide it, and I think that matters."
Lucy watched Gray anxiously as he stared at the floor with narrowed eyes. She so desperately wanted to get through to him, but his expression didn't change.
"Maybe," he said noncommittally. Then he sighed and added, "Sorry I scared you."
Lucy wanted to protest that she hadn't been scared of him, but…she had been. During those moments when he'd lost control, she had been frightened. She knew that she was justified in that, that it was probably wise to be afraid when Gray wasn't really himself, but she still felt a flicker of shame at having feared him.
"I wasn't only scared of you," she said, deciding to make a subtle distinction of her own. "I was also scared for you. Because I knew that you'd have to wake up and deal with the consequences, and I was afraid you'd kill him and then hate yourself for it. And also because I realize that having your control slip really rattles you, and… I didn't want that for you."
She scooted over to lean against Gray and slip her hand into one of his. "I know it's scary and horrible, and I'm sorry. But we understand, and you don't have to do it alone. We still love you anyway, and we'll stand by you while you figure this out."
Gray stayed silent for a long moment, but he didn't push Lucy away or remove his hand from her grasp. "Alright," he said finally, his voice quiet. "Thank you."
"Yeah." Lucy looked up to give him a sad smile. "Sorry I disturbed you. If you need some more time to collect yourself, go ahead. Take a break from saving us and take some time to save yourself."
Gray stared at her, but then his lips curled into a small smile and he nodded. Leaning his head back against the wall, his eyes drifted shut and his breathing slowly evened out into a deeper, steadier rhythm.
Lucy stayed curled against his side, offering her silent support. Sometimes it was enough to just be there, and if her strength was her heart, she knew how to use it. Their conversation had given her a lot to think about, but she found herself lulled into a peaceful, thoughtless calm by Gray's serenity.
She wasn't sure how long they'd been sitting there before the door opened slowly and Erza cautiously poked her head inside. Lucy automatically jerked away from Gray and pulled her hand out of his, and her sudden movement caught his attention. He opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow at Erza.
The requip mage smiled sheepishly and opened the door wider, to reveal Natsu and Happy hovering uncertainly behind her. "Sorry," she said. "We didn't want to disturb you, but you've been in here for a while and we wanted to make sure you guys were alright."
"I'm fine," Lucy said when Erza gave her a questioning look.
"Me too," Gray said with a sigh.
"Are you…ready to come out and join us?" Happy asked, twisting his paws together anxiously.
Gray dropped his gaze to the shadow at his feet. "I don't know, are we ready to behave now?" The shadow didn't move, and after a moment of sharp-eyed surveillance, he nodded. "Good answer."
He stood and then reached down a hand to Lucy. She accepted it and he pulled her to her feet, offering her a fleeting smile before he turned back to the others.
"So, did I miss anything interesting?" he asked with a mostly genuine grin. "Tell me you didn't have too much fun after I left…"
He headed out of the room, already drawing the others into more normal chatter. Lucy hesitated a little longer, watching him. There was still an air of tension and unhappiness underneath his sudden good cheer, there were still hints of something dark lurking in his eyes, but he was still Gray and his human side was shining through loud and clear. Lucy smiled to herself and started forward, her head held high and her strides confident.
Because Gray was back in control, and Lucy, she was strong.
Note: And next chapter, Gray's unsatisfactory living situation is finally brought to light :3
emmahoshi: Yeah, Lucy isn't a terribly strong character in canon, in more ways than one. The whole "I bring everyone together and am the inspiration of my people" role that both Lucy and Natsu tend to fill turns into a schtick real easily, and you have to have a really strong and well-developed character to pull it off. Considering that Lucy and Natsu are the weakest of the leads in literary terms... Well, they can do part of it, but it gets away from them. And the reason there are so many "badass Lucy" fanfics is because Mashima made her pretty weak in canon X) And yeah, I was disappointed in how weak most of the female charries were in FT, even though there were so many of them. Well, Lucy isn't that strong of a fighter in canon, so she was a logical choice for this. Although I did try to spin it around and put her in a better light after.