Chapter 14

It was a week before Diego sent word.

One excruciatingly long week.

Alejandro was pulling weeds from the flowerbeds in the patio when Victoria reigned in Especia at the gate from a full gallop. Alejandro leapt off the stool he'd been sitting on when Victoria dismounted before the horse had even stopped moving.

"Victoria! Be careful, my dear! What's the matter?"

Victoria blushed slightly. Diego…Zorro…continued to be the only person who caused all rational thought to flee her mind. "I'm sorry, Don Alejandro. Nothing is wrong. In fact," she said reaching into her saddlebag and pulling out a few letters, "This came for you with the mail on the coach today. It's from Diego. I thought you'd want it right away."

Alejandro tried valiantly to control the sudden wave of relief washing over him, but he couldn't fool Victoria. He smiled as he recognized Diego's handwriting addressing the letter to him and Felipe. "Would you like to come in for a while?"

Victoria hesitated. "I don't want to impose…"

"Nonsense! I love having you here, my dear. It's been several days since I've had time to come into town, and Lord knows Felipe's been as moody as Diego lately. Now at least I know where he gets it from! I'd love the company if you have the time."

Victoria nodded shyly in acceptance of the offer and they went inside. Alejandro poured them glasses of juice and they sat down in the sala while he opened his letter. Victoria pulled out her own letter to reread.

When Alejandro finished, he looked up to see Victoria smiling wistfully at the paper in her hands and smiled. Diego and Victoria were more in love than any other couple he had ever known, and at his age, Alejandro de la Vega had known quite a few.

"I take it Diego was able to mend a fence or two with his words?"

Victoria looked up and nodded. "Somehow he always knows what to say to make me feel better, or even just appreciated," she confided. "That's one of the reasons it was so easy to fall in love with him," she finished with a whisper.

"At least we know he's safe."

"He wouldn't tell us if he wasn't," Victoria pointed out wryly.

Alejandro chuckled. "You're probably right. I think we just have to trust that he knew what he needed to do in order to heal."

"Physically and spiritually he told me."

"And me as well."

"Did he tell you when he'd be home?"

"Unfortunately, no. Only that he still wasn't ready."

"I'm so worried about him."

"It concerns me that he's alone somewhere. I'm trying to remember that he knows how to take care of himself. Ah, Felipe!" Alejandro said in greeting as the young man walked around the corner into the room.

Felipe started and looked panicked for a moment before remembering that they knew about the cave and he could simply carry on about his business. He signed that he had chores to do and headed towards the secret panel.

Diego had told him repeatedly to let the servants take care of the chores in the hacienda since the adoption had gone through. Felipe had agreed, somewhat reluctantly, but still insisted on helping Diego clean the cave and take care of Tornado. If he couldn't help Zorro in the pueblo, the least he could do was keep his equipment in good working order.

"Felipe, wait. This letter came from Diego today."

Felipe eagerly snatched it away from his father and read rapidly. When he finished, he looked at them in triumph.

I know where he is.

"You know where he is? How?"

He rode south. For a quiet place to think. To recover spiritually, he pointed at the passage in the letter he was referring to. He's gone to the Mission at San Juan Capistrano.

"Capistrano? Are you sure?"

"He was talking to Padre Benitez just last week about helping the Friars there set up a vineyard," Victoria added.

Alejandro turned pensive. "Well, I'm relieved that's where he went. They'll take good care of him at the mission, and he'll have the peace he was obviously so desperately seeking."

Felipe looked ready to burst. We're not going after him?

"No," Alejandro said patiently and held up his hand to forestall the outburst bubbling just beneath Felipe's usually calm exterior. "Felipe, if he wanted our council, he would not have left in the first place or he simply would have told us where he was going."

The youngest De la Vega looked miserable. He has to talk to someone. He can't do this alone. He shouldn't do this alone.

"Perhaps there is someone else we could get to help us," Victoria thought out loud.

ZZZ

Padre Benitez opened the door to the chapel of the San Juan Capistrano Mission to find Diego kneeling by the altar in solitary prayer. He sighed. His kind friend was obviously troubled, that much was abundantly clear as soon as he laid eyes on Diego's slouched form. Not wanting to disturb him before he was finished, Padre Benitez walked silently down the aisle and slid into the front pew.

He should have known Diego's innate sixth sense would alert him to the priest's presence anyway. He'd seen children at the orphanage try to sneak up on the generous young Don several times. But every time, Diego would whirl around at the last second and twirl them high in the air over his head. It was one of the children's favorite games when Diego and Victoria would visit. He suspected Diego enjoyed the game as much if not more than the children did. Therefore, the padre was not surprised when less than a minute later, Diego crossed himself and rose to meet his visitor.

"Padre Benitez, what a pleasant surprise. What brings you out this far away from your mission?"

The Padre motioned for him to sit. "The Lord's work brought me here on this day, my son…May I ask you the same question?" The priest was delighted when he saw Diego's mouth quirk upwards into a rueful smile.

"If you're here, Padre, I suspect you already know the answer."

"I only know that I've never seen a Father so concerned for his son before. The fact that he asked me to make the trip and refused to come himself spoke volumes to me."

"I don't blame him for not wanting to come," Diego replied despondently.

"Of course he wanted to come, Diego. He told me it was far more important right now to respect your sought after solitude. I think he hoped you would confide in me, or at the very least hear my council if I could find you."

"If you could find me?"

"Apparently your whereabouts remain somewhat of a mystery to your family back home." Padre Benitez watched as Diego shifted uncomfortably in the pew. "Diego, my son, anyone would realize you are troubled. What bothers you so?"

"Everything."

"That can be quite a heavy burden indeed."

Diego smiled.

"And have you asked the Lord to relieve you of this burden?"

"Repeatedly."

"And what makes you so sure that he hasn't?"

"That's actually the problem. He has."

Padre Benitez raised an eyebrow. "I don't suppose I could convince you to be less cryptic, my boy?"

Diego sighed. This was just another example of how his life was spinning out of control. He knew he could count on the discretion of everyone he'd told his secret to so far, but when it came to Zorro there was danger in numbers. Not safety.

"I wish I could convince you to trust me, Diego."

"I've been carrying this secret for so long…I just don't know what to do anymore."

"Secrets are a great burden on the soul."

"You have no idea, Padre."

"Tell me, my son."

"I can't," Diego whispered, bowing his head once again.

"Can't or won't?"

"I shouldn't. It's not fair to you," Diego clarified.

"Now I understand why your Father was so concerned…Diego," he began kindly, "Whatever your burden, you don't have to bear it alone. Whatever you confide in me and the Lord will remain in the strictest confidence."

"I…I…"

"Are stalling," the priest mildly informed him.

Diego glanced around the sanctuary to ensure that they were in fact alone. Padre Benitez simply watched him intently, his curiosity piqued.

"I'm Zorro," he finally said.

The Padre's eyebrows shot into his hairline, but all he said was, "Was that really so difficult to say?"

Diego eyed him curiously. "That's just it. I've wanted to tell my Father and Victoria for so long, but never could. Now they know, and it's an answer to a prayer, but…Did my Father tell you?"

"Of course not! But I am a priest, my dear boy. I've heard more during confession than you could possibly imagine. Very little surprises me anymore."

Diego buried his face in his hands once again. "All I've ever done was fight for justice. Do what I thought was right."

"You've fought well. I shudder to think of the cloud of darkness that would fall over Los Angeles were you not there to help the people." He spread his hands self-deprecatingly. "I can only do so much."

Diego slowly sat up again. "That's kind of you to say, Padre. Thank you."

"It's kind of you to offer your services without asking for anything in return…But that isn't the issue is it? Something else troubles you."

"I was injured recently."

"The Lord answered my prayers for your safe return."

Diego smiled. "Mine as well."

"But?"

"I've been off balance ever since. Having nightmares. Constantly warring with my anger."

"As anyone would react after going through such a terrible ordeal, I imagine."

"I've been through worse, and not been affected as greatly as I am now. I took my anger out on those around me. More than once."

"Diego, we all do things we're not proud of in moments of weakness." He didn't miss Diego flinch at the last word. "Trust me when I say they've forgiven you. Why can't you forgive yourself?"

"Because I'm afraid I can't control myself anymore. I know I have a quick temper. It took years for me to be able to control it the way a gentleman should…I nearly tore the library apart the last time I was at home," he admitted.

"You're afraid."

"I'm terrified, Padre," Diego corrected with his admission. "I've already hurt them with my words. I'm terrified I'm going to hurt someone physically – however unintentionally. I hurt Felipe once in a similar fit of anger. I promised him and myself it would never happen again."

"So you thought it best to run away?"

"I thought there would be less of an opportunity for me to get myself into trouble here."

Padre Benitez chuckled. "Yes, churches do have that effect." He paused for a moment, reflecting on what Diego had told him. "It's all right if we feel weak at times, Diego. We turn to the Lord, and he gives us strength."

"More strength is precisely what I don't need right now."

"I beg to differ…You said you've been having nightmares?"

Diego shifted uncomfortably. "Yes."

The Padre smiled patiently when Diego didn't immediately volunteer more information. "To share your burden is to release it, my son."

"It's several things, I suppose. When the bandits attacked us, they held Felipe at gunpoint. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to protect him at the time."

"You are unable to do so in your dreams," Benitez guessed correctly.

Diego nodded miserably. "I keep seeing him getting shot. Over and over again. Or I'm captured and tortured, and my Father and Victoria are persecuted for helping me. I'm helpless to stop any of it, just like…"

"Just like what, my son?"

Diego shook his head, either unwilling or unable to say the words he wasn't sure.

"Like you felt when you were held captive." The good priest's heart softened even further, if that were possible, when Diego looked at him with the saddest, most lost expression he'd ever seen, especially on the face of the young caballero. Diego nodded. "I'd be surprised if you hadn't felt that way."

Diego stood up and began pacing in front of the pew. "You don't understand. I can't feel that way. I have to be strong and keep a clear head. The people I care about could be hurt or worse if I don't. Lives depend on my ability to think and act quickly."

"You cannot protect everyone all the time, Diego. Only God has that power."

Diego's shoulders visibly slumped. "He trusted me to be able to do this. I feel like I've let Him down."

This revelation did surprise Padre Benitez. "How so?"

"Let's just say he told me so."

"God appeared to you?" There was no trace of condemnation in the kind priest's words, only an appeal for clarification. His wordless assurance to Diego that he believed him without question gave the younger man the courage to tell him of his experience.

"An angel…once…I think…I was ready to give up. To quit being Zorro. He made sure I changed my mind."

"Diego, the Lord knows what sacrifices you've made in your fight for justice."

"And yet I managed to dishonor my father, twice, after he found out."

"This upsets you…As it should, perhaps."

"More than anything. He taught me better than that. I know better than that."

"You've repented honestly, my son. God forgives you. I know your father does as well."

"What if it happens again? I seem to have completely lost the ability to control my emotions. That's the one thing that's always allowed me to carry on. As long as I could cover my anger and frustration and my quest for justice under the guise of a studious nature I could cope somehow knowing that something greater than my happiness and wellbeing was at stake."

"Have you lost your faith, Diego?"

"Of course not."

"Then why do you act as though you have none?"

Diego sat back down beside Padre Benitez again, this time thoroughly confused. "I don't understand."

"Why can you not trust God to give you the strength when you need it? Has he not done so in the past?"

"Yes. But—"

"But nothing, my son. You either trust Him, or you don't. He's brought you this far."

"Everything's so complicated."

Padre Benitez nodded sympathetically.

"I've carried this secret alone, except for Felipe, for so many years. All the world is indeed a stage for me. I no longer know how to act like myself; I've always been so busy pretending to be someone else. Someone I'm not."

"You said your father knows now?" Diego nodded. "And Victoria?" Diego nodded again. "Then why do you need to pretend anymore?"

"I guess…I guess because I proved rather spectacularly that if I don't, I'll hurt the people I care about."

Now the priest understood. Diego had run because when he'd finally had the opportunity to be himself around those he guarded his secret from most carefully over the years he felt he'd failed. And perhaps he had. However… "Diego, you made a mistake. As all men do. Nothing more and nothing less."

Diego looked less certain.

"You said yourself there have been other things weighing on your mind." The padre waited for a nod in response. "Do you really believe that once you've had a chance to heal, reflect, and pray that this pattern will continue to repeat itself?"

"I don't want it to," Diego answered softly, honestly.

"Then don't let it. You have more control than any man I've ever met. Have some faith in yourself as well. If you believe you have the power to resist the temptation, you shall have it."

"This experience has…shaken me."

"Understandably so…Are you still having nightmares?"

"Yes. Although less and less since I arrived here."

"You feel safe here."

"Yes."

"Despite the fact that your conscious mind knew you were safe once you had returned home, perhaps it simply took your subconscious a bit longer to catch up."

"And perhaps that's why my behavior couldn't keep up either?"

"I believe you are much more knowledgeable about science, medicine, and the mind than I."

Diego smiled, feeling better than he had in weeks. "I'm glad you came, Padre. Thank you."

"I'm glad you trusted me. You're welcome, my son."