Disclaimer: Still don't own DGM, clearly.

Author's Note(s): Thank you again to Fandomlycroft, my lovely Beta! Thank you also to my loyal readers! Only one chapter left to go before this is complete, albeit 3 years late. Again, I am so sorry.

Theme 13: Abnegate – to deny oneself, often of pleasures and desires of the heart

I love him.

I love the way he smiles; sometimes it's soft and serene, other times bright and lively. I love that he can smile even after all the tragedy he's had to endure, and that any smile of his can instantly light up an entire room. I even love the way he smiles when he's pretending he isn't sad or stressed or worried, though I hate to see him that way. I tell him I hate it, but really I think the world would fall apart if Allen Walker stopped smiling.

I love the way he speaks. So British and polite: a perfect, courteous gentleman. He almost never swears, and maintains his composure even in front of his enemies. No wonder that little purple-haired Noah fell for him.

I love the passion he has for what he does. It tortures him, I know it does, but he still keeps going. He's desperate to save the souls of the Akuma, and just refuses to give up. No matter how battered, bruised and bloody he is, he just keeps fighting. I'm sure it'll kill him one day, that desperate drive to achieve the impossible, but I'll do my damnedest to protect him until I die, so that he can keep fighting for even just a little longer than me, at the very least.

I love the way the moonlight makes him seem ethereal. Snow-white hair, pale skin, silver eyes… He's so frail, it seems like a gust of wind could blow him away. That red scar, so inhuman, doesn't make him seem any more real. Bathed in the soft light of the moon, he seems like a star, distant and shining, but forever in danger of vanishing – just a small pinprick of light in a vast dark sea.

I love the way he plays the piano. His fingers dance effortlessly across the keys, releasing beautiful fragments of melody into the air. He sits so poised in front of the piano, but his face fills with the emotion he pours into the music. I wonder if this, too, leeches him – if perhaps when he pours his soul into the piano, he loses a part of himself in there every time.

I love how loyal he is to his friends. I know full well he would gladly die for any of us, and he would never leave anyone behind, not even a Finder. It's so unlike my own attitude towards life that it amazes me. Sometimes I wish he could care less, and thus save himself some of the heartache, but then it wouldn't really be him, now would it? I love that compassion of his, too, after all.

Really, there's nothing about him that I don't love. Honestly, he's perfect, in every single way. He's so perfect it's almost irritating sometimes, actually. Almost, but not quite.

I pretend it is, though. I pretend that I hate him, and that he pisses me off. I act even more harsh with him than with anyone else. It's my stupid way to gain his attention, and to make him hate me at the same time. Because if he hates me, we can continue fighting side by side; but if he comes to love me, then it's all over.

Everyone I love is torn from me; they all meet terrible fates. If he were to love me the way I love him, I know he too, would die, and suffer terribly before his death. I'm cursed, I'm sure of it. So out of necessity I push away the man most like me, the only person left that I could envision spending my life with. It's… really painful, actually.

But there's no other way. The Black Order is a harsh place, even worse than the world outside. Maybe out there, we could be together, in secret, far away from society's prying eyes. But in here? The Order would punish us, torture us, for defying their god. I wouldn't care (everything they've done to me until now has basically killed any ability to feel pain I may once have had – I'm pretty sure I'm less human than even Hevlaska), but I can't let that happen to him, can't let them break him as they've already broken me.

So I will continue to deny myself, to prevent myself from loving, from enjoying the pleasures that indulgence would bring. I will continue to abnegate myself, in order to keep the one I love safe from harm. In order to protect Allen Walker, I will make him think I hate him, and will have him hate me in return, even if we both secretly realize that it's a lie.