Authors Note: Sorry for the late update. Life got in the way. But hope you all stick with me. We are making our way to the end of this tail. Just a few more Chapters to go.
Steve sat in the common room of the Avenger's tower reading a book that was given to him by Sam about how to understand and help someone suffering from PTSD. After the intense stress and near fatal breakthrough of the past 48 hours, Bucky had been exhausted and Steve had practically carried him back to their apartment and tucked him into bed. He had sat by his friend's side singing the Irish Lullaby softly until Bucky's heavy eyes, red from crying, finally drifted shut. The Captain had not slept well that night, remaining sitting on the edge of Bucky's bed for hours as he contemplated the drastic shift in his friend's personality and the new challenges it brought. As dawn broke over the city the Captain found himself being dragged out on another run by Sam with reassurance from Jarvis that Sargent Barnes would be under observation.
Sam explained during the run that he had called in some favors from a Psychiatrist friend at the VA who wrote Bucky a prescription for a strong dosage of anti-depressant medication and anxiety. Bruce was in the lab by mid-morning adjusting the chemical properties of the medication to better effect Bucky's advanced metabolism and healing. It was a start, and although Steve tried to feel optimistic, he remained worried about his closest friend who was so much different now and yet still the same head strong and stubborn kid from Brooklyn but without the easy smile and care free twinkle in his blue eyes. To finally have his friend back should have been a relief but instead Steve found himself more worried and anxious then he had since first gathering his ill friend into his arms the day he passed out at the Shield base more than two months ago.
The Captain looked up abruptly as Bucky walked into the common room, hair tied back in a messy bun, face clean shaven wearing boots, jeans and Steve's leather jacket with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. Natasha and Clint were in the Kitchen and looked up with surprise. Bucky met their eyes and nodded in acknowledgement then over to Steve.
"Hey." Bucky spoke softly, swallowing with a nervous tension as he clenched his fists and averted his eyes to the side.
"Hey Buck." Steve replied, looking him up and down and then at the bag on his shoulder with a questioning glance.
"I need to borrow your Jacket." He stated simply, deliberately avoiding Steve's eyes and his concerned stare.
"Of course Bucky,…. You can have it,….. what ever you need Pal!" Steve promised as he moved around the furniture that separated the two.
"Going somewhere Sargent?" Clint asked as he nodded at the duffle bag. Bucky looked over at him and Natasha then back to Steve, eyes dark and face stoic as he exhaled a measured breath.
"I need to leave." He answered with a calm yet forceful tone and instantly the other three shifted and came closer as Bucky took a step back.
"Bucky what are you talking about?" The captain asked with obvious confusion and urgency. Bucky squared his shoulders and stood ridged as if prepared to fight if he had to, forcing himself to make direct eye contact.
"You said whatever I need,… I need to leave,…..I need space…I need to get my head together and figure out how to be myself again." The Sargent stated with determination.
"Buck,…. You don't have to leave,…. We can help you,….. you're not alone here!" Steve argued as he took another step toward Bucky just as Sam, Tony and Bruce appeared, obviously alerted silently by Jarvis. Bucky's head snapped in their direction, blues eyes watching as they slowed their pace at his intense glare, moving into the room toward Natasha and Clint. There was a tense stretch of silence as Bucky swallowed back a wave of anxiety, trying to control his reaction to the feeling of being trapped and cornered even if he was surrounded by allies. Bucky spoke with a slight quiver in his voice and blinked rapidly to clear his vision.
"That's the point Stevie." Bucky let out a calming breath as he turned back toward his friend after registering the three people entering the room as not a threat. "I can't ever be alone here…. Everyone is always watching me..." He glanced up at the ceiling to were Jarvis's voice was most often projected, swallowing thickly as he shifted nervously before looking away, off to the side with a pensive frown as he rubbed his eyes with his flesh hand and gripped the duffle bag tighter, jaw twitching with tension. "I need some time to sort things out,... be in my head for a while with out feeling like I gotta keep it together around you and the others… I need to be away from the city and all these people,…..I can't think straight….. I am too unstable." The Sargent shook his head as he ran his hand over his hair, freed from the cast, yellow with faded bruising but healed.
"That's kinda why you gotta stay here Buckster,…. We promised Fury to keep an eye on you so you wouldn't go berserk or do something you might regret." Tony offered with a shrug. Bucky looked up at him and shook his head, tightening his grip on his bag as he shifted back further toward the door.
"I need to leave,…. I can't stay here right now,…..I won't hurt anyone,... I swear,... I... I know who I am,...I just ...I need to feel in control, on my own." Bucky spoke with an edge of anxiety and desperation biting his bottom lip as he again looked off to the side.
"Sargent Barns, You are in our guardianship, and SHEILD still considers you a threat until their doctors and specialists have a chance to evaluate your mental stability. Until you have been cleared, you need to remain with the Avengers for your own safety and others." Natasha spoke calmly as she explained the situation. Bucky's jaw twitched and his fist clenched as he shook his head again stepping back further, eyes fiercely determined and locked with hers.
"No,...No way am I letting SHEILD's lab coats anywhere near me!" Bucky gritted out with a low growl, his voice a harsh whisper.
"Bucky they just want to make sure you aren't still at risk of getting triggered Into becoming the Soldier again." Steve tried to reason as Bucky snorted an angry huff, eyes turning toward his friend with a flash of anger.
"Common Steve! SHEILD IS HYDRA! Always has been! Like hell am I gonna let those bastards get their hands on me again!" Bucks snarled with genuine contempt.
"Sargent they didn't know that Hydra had infiltrated their ranks and now they do." Sam spoke with a reasoning tone but Bucky snapped back with a harsh venomous bark, his calm facade cracking as he shook in rage.
"SHEILD RECRUITED ZOLA!... Stark and Carter knew what he had done! knew how dangerous he was and they agreed to grant him amnesty and bring him into SHEILD! That whole damn agency has been rotten at its core from the very beginning!" Bucky spat with a frustrated growl and a look of resentful and betrayal, the pain raw and exposed in his wide blues eyes.
Steve sighed as he shook his head and he looked at his friend with genuine remorse.
" Your right Buck. I don't know what they were thinking recruiting Zola. And if I had been there he would have rotted in jail for what he did to you and the weapons he created that helped the Red Skull kill so many...but you gotta understand that SHEILD has a lot of good people working to get rid of Hydra. They just want to make sure you are safe and so do we" Steve tried to explain but Bucky narrowed his eyes in a glare.
"I told you Steve, you're a god awful liar! ... SHEILD would be just as glade to lock me up as they would to use me for their own purposes! I will never, ever be locked up again and I sure as shit am not gonna submit to any ones orders to comply! I am making my own choices from now on and I am telling you right here and right now that I am leaving and SHEILD can go Fuck themselves!" Bucky spoke with absolute determination and Steve felt a mixture of pride and frustration toward his stubborn but rightfully defiant friend.
"Sergeant Barns..." Natasha tried to interject stepping forward but he shook his head and took another step back, left hand now griping the door frame of the common room as he turned his body toward the exit.
"No Natasha, I am leaving and you of all people know why I need to!" Bucky insisted as he gave her a poignant look.
"Bucky if you leave I am coming with you!" Steve took a step forward with a his own unwavering determination.
"Dammit Steve I told you I need to be alone!... For once in your life just listen to me will ya!" Bucky exclaimed with irritation and frustration.
"Sergeant Barnes you just attempted to end your life by jumping off the of this building less than 24 hours ago. You broke your hand only a day before that. Even if you are not a danger to others you are at risk of self-harm and there is no way in good conscious we can allow you to leave this tower unsupervised." Bruce stated in a calm, professional voice receiving a glare from Bucky before he again looked away with a flush of humiliation.
Bucky blinked his wet eyes as he tried to swallow down his embarrassment and frustration, his battered pride fueling a wave of anger he tried to suppress as he shook his head and avoided their unwanted looks of sympathy. He let out a deep sigh as he leaned forward and rest his forehead against the door frame, back toward the others as he spoke with a tone of voice that was tired and almost pleading mixed with tempered rage and resentment.
"Please,...please you gotta let me go,... Don't make me beg,... I can't..." Bucky cut himself off as he clamped his mouth shut, eyes squeezed closed as he gripped the door frame and pressed his forehead into the wood. He needed to get away from them, from the people who knew his shame, who witnessed his disgusting, helpless obedience and willingness to serve Hydra. They had seen him fall apart and knew how scared and vulnerable he truly was, how pathetic and lost, like a dog who had been beaten into submission and was terrified of upsetting its new owners. Bucky was consumed in anger and resentment toward himself and Hydra but also toward the people who knew his cowardice and had bared witness to just how messed up and broken he was. It was humiliating and he hated them all for it even as he recognized how unreasonable those thoughts were. He needed to be alone, he needed to be able to look himself in the eyes again before he could try and meet their knowing gaze. He knew who he was but he didn't feel like himself, just a wrecked and damaged POW that had allowed his enemy's to own him body and soul.
Steve let out his own deep sigh as he rubbed the back of his neck and took a few slow steps toward Bucky, well aware of the shame and embarrassment his stubborn and head strong friend was most likely crippled by. He knew Bucky better than anyone else and the man who was avoiding him now was not Hydra's Asset, willing to comply and submit to the will of his masters. He was the proud and independent boy from Brooklyn trying to hid how weak and utterly helpless he felt and the anger and resentment that was twisting inside him. Bucky never wanted pity from anyone and he knew Steve didn't either. He had always treated his smaller, frail friend with respect and never made him feel like a weakling when he had an asthma attack or was in bed for weeks with pneumonia. Bucky was mentally ill and suffering now just like Steve had been sick then and he desperately needed his friend to treat him like a man and not a charity case.
"Bucky,... You don't have to beg, if you wanna be alone for a while that's understandable...I won't bother you,... We can give you space,... But we just need to know your safe,... I need to know that your safe." Steve explained with a calm and patient tone as he stood a few feet away from his best friend, a man who had come so far but was still in so much pain. Bucky didn't' open his eyes but let out a long, shuddered breath.
"I just wanna go away Stevie,...My heads a mess right now,..." Bucky opened his eyes and looked up at his friend with a shattered expression of desperation and sorrow. "I need to feel in control,...I need to be able to take care of myself again... Please Steve,...please just let me go,... Don't make me stay here,..."
He turned away again pressing his head against the door frame with a grimace as he squeezed his eyes against the threat of oncoming tears.
"I can't stand it,... I don't want them to see me like this." He whispered with a small trembling voice, his anger giving way to his shame and despair. Steve swallowed down his own grief and hung his head, feeling guilty and partly responsible for not considering how difficult and humiliating this ordeal would be for his friend's shattered pride and sense of self.
"Sergeant Barnes,...You said you need to be alone, you need space and time to yourself….. After everything you have been through, all the changes to your biochemistry, breaking through Hydra's programming and conditioning,... we get it." Sam stated with a calm and even tone, sincerest and plainly spoken. Bucky did not look at him but opened his eyes a fraction, jaw muscles still tight and metal hand gripping the door frame as the tension in his body radiated his discomfort and how close he was to making a run for it. Sam exchanged a look with Steve who was clearly feeling anxious and in conflict with how best to handle this latest turn in events.
"You know we are a team here Bucky, we are your friends, and we are not trying to hold you captive... Let's figure out how to make this work,... How we can give you what you need but also make sure you are safe. I am not gonna bullshit you Sargent, we can't let you just disappear out of here. But maybe we can figure out a middle ground." Sam reasoned with reassurance.
"How about a safe house?... An isolated location that can be monitored from here." Hawkeye suggested with a casual shrug, recognizing how trapped and suffocating it must feel for the newly recovered Sargent who was still trying to make sense of his own thoughts and concept of self. The Archer was a big fan of alone time and had basically told SHEILD that he had absolutely no intention of talking to one of their Psychiatrist after his time with Loki. He had instead taken some time off and hit the road, only coming back when he had received a distress call from Natasha right before the fall of SHEILD. Just like the Widow and The Captain, Hawkeyes had felt betrayed and deeply resentful toward the deception Hydra had created, and questioned how he could have been so blind. He realized that while he had been wallowing in self-pity and uncertainty his partner had almost died trying to help Captain America bring down the very Organization he had recruited her for. That realization snapped him out of his own funk and he knew that Natasha would need someone to have her back without pushing or prodding her to verbalized her feelings. The Sargent was a lot like Clint but with a history like Natasha's and needed his space and time to get his head around everything that had happened to him before he could take steps forward and lean on Steve for support weather the Captain liked it or not.
"Not one of SHEILD's!...They can't know where I am,...Hydra will find me." Bucky's voice had started off strong with a look of intensity as he met Barton's eyes but then he looked away as he whispered his underling fear, body half turned toward them as kept his metal grip on the door frame.
"Well tin man,… it just so happens that I have a place that might be perfect for a mental health Holiday,... It was kind of my own sanctuary for a bit after my time in Afghanistan and again after the whole Alain invasion thing... Bruce goes there too sometimes and meditates or whatever right Doc?" Tony turned to Bruce with a shrug, hands in his pockets.
"You mean the cabin in upstate New York?" Banner asked with recognition and Stark huffed with a shake of his head.
"Cabin?... Common Bruce it is definitely a lake house!" He turned back toward Bucky who was watching him intently as Tony took a few side steps closer without crowding, standing next to Sam and addressing everyone. "It's got a spectacular view over a lake, sits on 6 archers, nearest neighbors are three miles away and only vacation there in the summer." He smiled and opened a hand toward Bucky who was staring at him with a pensive expression. "It's got a deluxe hot tub, sauna and some unused fishing poles and a row boat,... Pluse a high-tech security parameter designed by yours truly!" Stark grinned and waited for a response.
"I would be monitored?" Bucky asked quietly, the words spoken with a subdued edge of discomfort, head in their direction but eyes off to the side.
"Jarvis will be there but only as a precaution,... You can ask him for anything but he won't bother you unless you need help." Tony offered and his tone was more serious and sincere then his normal playful banter, as he too recognized the desire to hid away from watchful eyes when nursing his wounds.
"But you gotta check in with me Buck,... At least once a day and let me know your okay!" Steve said with a desperate determination. Bucky huffed and shook his head.
"And if I am not okay your gonna come running to save me from myself right Rogers?... I need space Steve not a mother Hen trying to fix my head and chase away my nightmares." Bucky sight as he rubbed his eyes, feeling exhausted and on edge.
"Text message twice a day,...video feed every other day and Steve gets to bring you Groceries on Sundays." Natasha stipulated the terms that could be easily accepted by both. Steve looked at her as if to protest but Sam grabbed his shoulder and offered a look before adding to the requirements for Bucky's independent living.
"And starting tomorrow you will have three weekly video sessions with a trauma specialist that works with extreme cases of PTSD!...He has been briefed about what you have been going through and his back ground check cleared." Sam stated with a calm and reassuring tone that demanded no nonessential.
"You mean a shrink?... Some egg head that is going to use psycho babel about why I should be sniffing roses while I take those fucking happy pills you and Banner are cooking up!" Bucky sneered as he shook his head.
"As someone trained in the delicate art of psycho babel and has worked through my own shit,...I can promise you this guy is not gonna be talking about roses,... He is gonna be real with you,... Just like we are being real with you right now Barns!" Sam spoke with a stern look and took another step forward.
"Your head is a mess right now, you said so yourself... you need some space,... Time to be alone, we get it... but that doesn't change the fact that you need help sorting through all the bullshit Hydra dumped on you." Sam took another step forward his voice taking on a quiet and sincere tone as he waited for Bucky to meet his knowing gaze.
"And the truth is some of the shit you are going through is stuff you might not want any of us to know about,….." Sam paused with a compassionate look as Bucky blinked, and took in a sharp breath as he remembered the incident in the bathroom and his confession of Rumlow's sick idea of fun with Asset. Bucky's shocked realization quickly crumbled and he squeezed his eyes shut and turned away in humiliation, covering his faced with his flesh hand, mental fingers splintering the wood of the door frame.
It was painfully obvious what Bucky had just remembered, and the others suspected there were likely more heinous memories of similar trauma that would surly hit the Sargent just as hard and further hammer his already shattered pride.
Steve took a step forward but Bucky shifted further back and shook his head as he gritted his teeth and ran his hand through his hair, blinking back tears as he stared with a resentful scowl off to the side, his embarrassment and shame once more giving way to anger that he knew should not be directed at his friends.
"…And that is where a therapist comes in man. He is not your friend, not someone who you love and care about, just a professional voice of reason that can help you gain some perspective." Sam offered with a nod, waiting for Bucky to take a calming breath before he hesitantly glanced in their direction, expression guarded, a thin mask of subdued anger over a whirlwind of pain, anxiety and depression.
Bucky watched the VA counselor with a pensive frown, taking a few more deep breaths and releasing his grip on the door frame before he again looked away in thought, swallowing back his instinct to outright refuse. Despite Bucky's desire to swallow down all the toxic garbage that Hydra left him with, he also acknowledged a burning need to get it all out of him, to scream and cry and rant and rave and break things, as if he hadn't been doing just that. He begrudgingly considered that perhaps talking about it might actually provide some relief from the boiling rage and desperate sorrow that seemed to consume him body and soul.
"And the pills?" Bucky gritted out as he looked out the window with a huff shaking his head, wiping his eyes free of moisture.
"I am guessing you must have heard Sam and I talking yesterday when we assumed you were still sedated." Banner sigh as he wiped his glasses before leveling an honest look at Bucky who was glared back at him but with guarded uncertainty not anger.
"Your biochemistry is different from everyone Sargent Barnes, including Steve's, but even your brain patterns are going to need some help after so many years of chemical manipulation. You have every reason to be depressed and have anxiety, but in order to help you take back control of your mental health, you are going to need some help rewiring those thought patterns and psychopharmacology along with therapy is going to be your best chance at taking back that control and feeling better... Feeling like yourself again." Bruce surmised and offered a small smile.
Bucky considered the doctor for a long moment, someone he trusted despite his reluctance. He looked back at Sam and then to Steve's hopeful but worried expression before sighing and looking away again, knowing that his friend, his friends, only wanted to help him, even if he felt smothered by their prescience and desperate to escape.
Bucky shifted his stance as he gripped his bag tight and looked out the widow as he considered the terms of the arrangement. In truth he didn't really have a plan of where to go and had no money or transportation. He knew he had the skills to survive but the point of leaving wasn't to fall back on those survival skills but instead learn how to live again. He had also dreaded leaving the tower and interacting with more people and this option gave him both privacy and convenience. His mind wondered for a moment as he bit his lip, eyes blinking as a memory struck him.
"My dad took us fishing once..." He turned and looked at Steve with a bemused smile, tension lessening as he gave a small chuckle.
" Steve caught a fish that weighed more then he did but wouldn't let go or hand over the rod and got pulled right out of the boat. Had to dive in after him cuze the stubborn punk couldn't swim." Bucky smirked and Steve offered his own quiet laugh, tension rolling out of his stance as he shook his head.
"Still caught that monster fish through,... Don't remember you complaining that night when yer pa cooked it over the fire,...told me it was the best fish you ever tasted!" Steve teased back and Bucky shook his head with a fond smile. Steve looked at his best friend with an open and hopeful expression.
"What do you say pal?... Wanna spend some time on the lake?" Steve couldn't hide the hint of worry in his voice and Bucky looked away with a sigh, fidgeting with the bag over his shoulder. After another moment he swallowed and nodded, turning back to face the Avengers with a resolute and determined expression.
"Yea,...okay,...just no surprise visits alright?...And SHEILD can't know!" The others nodded and Bucky sighed, feeling a tightness in his chest become a little looser.
...
Authors note: Just a few more to go ya'll. Trying to write Bucky as a man who is just coming to terms with what he has been through and how that would impact his sense of self-worth and pride.