I'm back!

Well, it's almost been a year. It's half term, and I felt the compulsion to finish this. I feel really bad for just leaving this, and thought often about continuing.

I've gone back to smaller chapters, but I think that'll make me more willing to churn them out, yes?

I'm not promising anything, since I'm a (fairly) busy girl, but I'm never gone. I'm normally reading everyone else's stories :D

I feel like my writing style has changed, but it has been quite a long time.

We're all happy!

Enjoy~

Alice and I mutually decided we needed some time apart.

I know.

I wasn't happy about the end result, at all. The conversation had been awkward, unwanted, and just before I was about to delve knuckle deep into my vampire, she chose then to spurt the idea. Carlisle originally suggested it, right after saying he wanted me to move in. That threw me, is it possible to avoid someone when you live in the same house?

But then he went on to say I should stay with Charlie, just for the next week, to 'calm down'. I always need to calm down it seems.

Who was the one that wanted Alice and I together as much as possible in the first place?

So rightfully, I'm a little confused.

But that's the norm around here. I feel so dumb, asking questions all the time. That's okay though, since Alice is always happy to answer any of them, she's like a fountain of knowledge. I'd happily listen to her wise words all day. I'd be happy just to be with her all day.

But no, I'm here. Alone, with my laptop searching up whatever crossed my mind, just trying to entertain myself.

It's about as fun as it sounds.

Carlisle told Charlie that I was feeling 'under the weather' whilst at the Cullen's and advised him to let me stay at home for the next week of school. His excuse being a combination of stress from a school project, and jet lag.

Jet lag. I didn't even believe in that shit. Just down a mug of coffee and I'm ready to go.

But sadly, Charlie had bought it without question. Now he's at work, probably bunking off stuffing doughnuts; and I'm here, bored.

I haven't seen a glimpse of Alice, or any of the Cullen's since Sunday, it's now Tuesday.

It's ridiculous, normally I'd be begging for the opportunity to pull a sicky and miss a couple of days of school. But no, having a mate impossibly close yet so far has me nearly pulling my hair out. It's like that reverse psychology stuff; not being allowed to have Alice only makes me want her more.

As in, I need her.

Need need her.

I've been watching porn, it's that bad.

I'm honestly surprised Alice hasn't told me to stop or something through my head. I can only link it to her really wanting to give me space. She hasn't invaded my thoughts since Sunday either, and to be honest, I think it's working. Apart from the explicit search history part, but I'm not complaining, it's an adequate substitute.

I'm kidding, in the really depressing way too. This shit is terrible, and I haven't even moved from my bed since Monday, Charlie makes dinner, I survive comfortably on that. I just haven't been bothered.

Though lately, as in very recently, I feel like I've been missing out on something, it's like a craving, but I don't know how to sate it. It's only just started, now that I've had time to think about everything with all this spare time; but I can't quite join the dots...

It's not as if I need to know, I can wait to ask Alice; since it's not that bad. It may not even have anything to do with all this shit, but it probably does.

Being away from her will not be easy for the next three days, I'm not sure if I'm moving in with them Friday afternoon or Saturday, but either way it will definitely not be fun waiting.

I wonder how Alice is coping with this...

I kind of hope she's struggling as much as I am, just so I know I'm not the only one struggling in this relationship. Oh yeah, relationship sounds better and better every time I think it. I'm not sure if it's official, but it feels like it. She's been waiting for me for years, and I can only oblige with what she wants from this, which is pretty obvious. It doesn't even feel rushed, even though we've kind of been thrown into this headfirst.

I guess that's just what happens, when you fall in love. It lifts you off your feet, and carries you away.

All the way upstairs to the bedroom.

…

I miss Alice.

I quit the window on my laptop and slammed it shut when the last pop-up I could deal with appeared. I shoved it off from my lap and swung my legs over the side, deciding to actually move today. I wanted to do something, but I didn't know what. Apart from Alice there weren't too many things I actually wanted to do, but I was starting to get restless.

I turned and stared longingly out of the window, just picturing those bright golden eyes looking back at me, into me, through me. I'm amazed I remember that time so vividly, but I guess everything to do with Alice I remember down to a T.

I turned away, clasping the necklace that was rightfully back in place subconsciously as I stood. I quickly slung on some clothes and brushed my teeth, not daring to look at myself in the mirror. Twiddling the shell around my fingers, I left my bathroom and started padding down the stairs to the kitchen, where I made myself some breakfast. At 2pm.

Loving it.

Two more hours and Alice would be finishing school, unless she's at home. I was kind of taken home abruptly on Sunday, so I don't even know if Alice is at school or not. She could be having her own space at home for all I know.

Having her own space, alone.

By herself, in an empty house.

She could be needy too. Oh so needy.

For God's sake, it just gets worse and worse. I shook my head trying to rid of my naughty but oh-so-nice thoughts.

"Okay Bella, focus on your breakfast. One thing at a time." I chanted before shoving a spoonful of Frosties into my mouth. After finishing a couple of minutes later I washed my bowl. I still felt hungry, like breakfast hadn't done anything at all, but I couldn't be bothered to cook something. Or maybe I was thirsty? I couldn't tell. That weird craving feeling again. I lumbered over to the lounge before slumping on the sofa and turning on the television. I was just flicking through the channels, trying to pick something from the dire choice of daytime TV, before a loud rap on my door made me freeze. I was always pretty bad at answering the door, and the house phone, even my own phone sometimes. I just hate the idea of awkward conversation. The thing about the door is you don't know who's behind it, phones have numbers.

You can ignore a phone, and they'd think you're not home; but when you're watching TV so close to the door, they will hear you.

It couldn't be Charlie as he was at work. I don't really know anyone else here apart from the Cullens. I could just leave it.

The knocking on the door started again. I got up and walked to the door before opening it, before I could change my mind.

I was immediately scooped up into a strong hug, my whole body was lifted off the floor for a few seconds, before I randomly hissed and I was unceremoniously dropped back to my feet. I stared open-eyed at the very big, and very grown up, Jacob Black.

I used to play with him as a kid. A kid as in, he used to be chubby.

Now, he fucking towered over my like a skyscraper, and if I didn't know this guy since I was a baby, I probably would have laid a brick.

"Jake, wow, hi. You've...filled out." He really had, his arms were as thick as my thighs with muscle. I looked up to see him beaming at me, dimples he had since he was a baby showing themselves. I just couldn't stop picturing the tubby version of this now very built man, and I burst out laughing.

"I know, surprised?" He posed like a body builder, flexing his arms that I swear had muscles on his muscles. "It's good to see you Bella." He continued sincerely, I smiled back at him before inviting him in. He followed me as I sat back on the sofa, where he sat next to me. It was kind of weird, he wasn't even touching me and I got this weird impulse to move further away. I was already leaning against the arm when I sat down, so I was stuck. "So, how are you?" He asked, oblivious to it all. It made me smile; he always had been a bit of a ditz.

"Yeah I'm good. Moved in about a week ago. I didn't think I would but I'm starting to like it here." It was the truth, but for different reasons than what he's probably thinking. He nodded his head, before I asked. "Why are you here? Not that I'm happy to see you, but don't you go to school?"

"Not even going to ask how I am Bells?" He teased, leaning in slightly as he started laughing, I unconsciously leaned back before he calmed down and continued, "I'm good, thanks for asking." He winked, a sly smile on his face. "I've actually got an apprenticeship at the local mechanics, I fix bikes there." Well, that kind of explained the bulk up, lifting all those parts around. Maybe.

"Sweet. Did you see my car outside?"

"Yeah, it's awesome."

I thought he was going to go into some excited mantra about how he could tech it up, but he didn't, and the conversation kind of died then, and we were left in that awkward silence you often get on a date or something. I started to shuffle and fidget about, feeling more and more uncomfortable. It wasn't like I felt Jake was about to jump me, we were childhood friends, best friends, it'd never happen. It was almost instinctual, the repulsion, like something inside me was snarling no, stay away.

"So…" I trailed, not helping the situation at all and I internally winced. "How's work?"

"It's good."

...

Well, that's nice.

Jake did this weird coughing noise, before turning to me fully. His dark eyes I couldn't help but compare to Alice's were determined as he clasped one of my hands. I flinched, very noticeably before yanking it back. That felt so incredibly wrong, not like touching someone that Alice didn't know of, but just touching him made me physically recoil. That instinctual feeling flared up again and I cradled the touched hand with the other, protecting it like it was burned.

"Oh, erm, sorry Bella. I was just wondering if you wanted to come over to mine? You're obviously bored and we could spend some time catching up." He smiled again, flashing his bright teeth.

The instincts again. I shook my head before I could verbally reply. Jake looked confused, his head tilted to the side like a puppy. I swallowed, this weird feeling in the back of my throat that burned like before, like my own saliva was burning my insides. That craving again. "I don't think that's a good idea Jake. I'm meant to stay inside all week." I declined weakly, looking down when his hurt expression reached his eyes.

"Why not? It'll be fun!" He complained petulantly, making me smile despite myself. He may have grown up physically, but he hadn't really matured. He was always like that when we were younger, getting us ice creams. No wonder he was so fat. "I missed my best friend Bells." He continued softly, I felt when he rested his hand on my thigh rather than saw it. I clasped a hand over my mouth in shock as I hissed, remembering I did it before but only now knowing why. His hand was boiling; it felt like it was scorching my thigh and my leg bounced up on its own accord, trying to throw it off.

I gasped, shocked by my own reaction, before taking a steadying breath. "Jake, I think you should leave." I didn't see his face, as I was still looking down. I was trying to restrain myself, and I didn't even know from what. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply through my nose before changing to my mouth as I breathed in the most horrible smell. I was willing him internally to just leave without a word, my hands starting to lightly shake.

"What? Why?" He sounded hurt, confused. In any other circumstance I would have been gutted that I had upset my best friend, but right now I really just needed him to stop talking, stop touching me, and leave. "You're shaking! Are you all right? Do you need to throw up?" Now that he mentioned it, I really could puke up my insides with this disgusting smell I had only just realized was coming from him.

Fuck me was it awful; does this boy roll in shit or something?

My eyes changed from glaring downwards, to burning holes into the ceiling. All I could feel was Jake's searing hand on my leg.

"Later Jake. Just go, please." I mumbled. Wanting his hand off my leg but not wanting to touch it. I couldn't touch it, I felt like I'd start venting if he did.

Instead of letting go of me, standing up and leaving, he re-grabbed my hand by pulling it away from me and gripping tightly. His thumb was rubbing against my skin, trying to sooth me. I could feel my insides reeling, flipping and swirling in rage. I gulped, finally looking down and onto his huge hand that engulfed mine.

"Jake. Let go." I warned, my eyes never leaving his tanned skin on mine. The more I looked, the more I could see my skin whiten, making me whimper in fear. Unlike before, I wasn't surrounded with vampires; I knew I could let myself go because I knew they could cope with me. But Jake, he's my best friend. I could easily kill him if I lost control again, and there was no one to stop or restrain me. I can't just welcome it this time.

"No. C'mon, we've got to get you to the doctor, you look really ill. Where are your keys? We'll-"

"Listen to me!" I shouted imploringly, yanking my arm back, not bothering to cover the hiss this time as his skin slid along my arm disgustingly. "Let go of my leg. Now." I warned grimly, staring right into Jake's eyes. His widened, I wonder if my eyes had started changing, or if that only happened when my eyes sight got better.

"Oh. Erm, okay." He said shakily as he did. I sighed at the feeling straight after. It was like a cage had been lifted.

"Stand up." I ordered, a certain finality in my voice that was definitely seeping through from the start of venting. Jake did, without question, making me smile bitterly.

"Now, leave."

"Bella, you gotta go to-"

"I said leave!" I shouted, standing up. My instincts not wanting me to be lower right now. Even though my best friend was taller, I found myself advancing slightly, still trying to restrain myself as I squared up to him. My arms were still shaking, my fists clenched with the need to just let go. "Please." I begged, much to my instinct's defiance. I felt my insides roar in anger, making a shudder rip down my spine. It was getting too powerful to ignore.

Jake must have seen the look in my eye, as he left without a word. He looked confused, hurt, and irritated, but I couldn't find it in myself to care. My insides were swirling, demanding why I just let him leave without killing him.

"Because he's innocent!" I snarled above the roar of Jake's engine. I waited until the purr of his bike faded before actually moving.

I admit it, I was scared.

Fucking terrified in fact. I didn't know what to do.

I was alone, with no guidance from the Cullens, and in an increasingly foul mood. I had no Carlisle to say this was natural, even though it wasn't; and no Alice just to tell me it's okay.

I felt like an intruder had just waltzed into my home. Like he defiled it, marked it right in front of my face. The intruder that had the gall to touch me, repeatedly, before walking out unscathed. I felt violated and insulted, like any second I would snap and run after him, and do God-knows-what to him. I knew it'd kill me afterwards, but the want to inflict pain right this second was so tempting...

I took calm, needed breaths, and I smelt the disgusting wet smell start to dissipate. I sighed in conflict, my shaking hands calming down, and the colour returning to them and my insides' mayhem not as noticeable. I could still feel it though, just there.

I ran a hand through my hair. I couldn't even be around my best friend anymore it seemed. Brilliant.

I closed my eyes, suddenly wanting the fresh air of outside to wash over me. I padded over to the front door, not bothering to put any form of footwear on before opening the door. I left it wide open, wanting to air out that odor. I was buffeted immediately with the smells of outdoors, of wildlife, my instinct focusing on something else; making me smile blissfully as I trotted airily down the steps. They were cold on my feet, but not uncomfortably so which surprised me. It hadn't been raining lately, just a constant overcast of cloud so the floor wasn't wet either.

I don't think I would have cared either way, as I found myself walking along the grass towards the forest. The cool feeling between my toes calming me even more, it felt natural in a way. I welcomed it.

Is this how vampires feel? All these emotions, all the confliction, all the time?

I unconsciously continued walking, just letting my legs and the remnants of those troublesome instincts lead the way. When the grass slowly turned into rougher terrain, I didn't even flinch. Bark dug into my soles, and I stopped to see how it felt. I looked down, almost in a daze, staring at my feet. I found that I couldn't move, like I was locked in place in a daydream. I stood there for what must have been at least five minutes, on the edge of the forest; watching my feet.

I felt all thoughts slowly ebb away. I didn't think of anything, I couldn't. I felt and probably looked like a turned off robot, or possessed, whichever came first to mind.

I vaguely saw my bare feet start to turn paler, but paid it no mind. I felt no rage, no need to chase after my mate. I was completely calm and silent as I stared at my feet.

Or rather, between them.

A deer print.