Indiana.
My body feels like dead weight when I wake up, alone, still tucked warmly in Paul's bed. I'm buried under a mountain of thick quilts, and there's a space heater plugged in and running in the corner of the room.
It's dark out, but for once it doesn't scare me.
I nestle myself further into the bed, allowing Paul's scent to swirl around me and relax my body.
I wonder where he went. His patrol shift, maybe?
When I left Emily's house yesterday after the bonfire, I thought everything would hit me like one giant brick, but it never did. After everything I saw, after everything they told me – these people I've spent so much of my time around still feel like my normal friends. They're so much more than they seem, but it's like nothing has changed. Embry still feels like Josie's harmless boyfriend. Jared still feels like Josie's jokester brother. Sam still feels like Emily's protective fiancé. Malachi and Seth still feel like annoying siblings. Paul still feels like… well, Paul.
The only difference is: for once I actually feel safe.
At least, that's what I think it is.
I fell asleep in Paul's arms and woke up alone in his bed but I don't feel afraid at all. I know they're all around here somewhere. The reservation isn't that big, and there are so many of them.
I think Paul's right: Malcolm will never be able to get to me here.
It's a peaceful feeling.
Taking a deep breath, I roll over and look at the clock on the nightstand.
5:15 AM.
I feel like I've been asleep forever, but it's barely been an hour.
Yawning, I force myself up into a seated position, feeling my joints crack and my head start to spin. My body feels weak. I don't remember the last time I slept that deeply without dreaming.
I kick off the space heater and walk into the kitchen for a glass of water.
The house is utterly quiet, apart from the sound of the birds just waking up outside.
After drinking a large glass of water, I go back into Paul's room to make the bed. As I tuck the blankets in, I wonder what his room will look like when he moves into his house, and if it'll be as bare as this one is. It's funny how simple his room is when he's such a complex person.
I'm really glad he shared his past with me, as terrible as it was. When he told me about McKayla, it was like I could feel his heart breaking all over again. He wanted that baby so badly. It makes me sad.
Paul's phone starts ringing from its spot on the nightstand. Instinctively, I check the screen to see who's calling.
It's Josie.
As I pick it up, I hope I'm not crossing a line as I slide my thumb across the screen.
"Hey, Jos," I answer.
"You're awake!"
I take a seat on the edge of the bed. "Yeah. Longest hour of sleep I've ever gotten."
"Hour? You slept for an entire day," she laughs.
"It's only five-thirty."
"Yeah, five-thirty a day later."
I pull the phone away from my ear and swipe for the calendar. Sure enough, she's right. "That explains why I feel like there's cement tied around my ankles… Why are you up?"
"I was just checking in to make sure you were still alive. When I woke up yesterday and you weren't home, I freaked out and was calling everyone. Took Paul forever to fucking tell me you were with him. Dickhead."
I smile. "Sorry, I guess I could've texted you."
She shifts on the other end of the line. "It's fine. Do you want to come over and talk?"
"I can still live there, right?" I ask jokingly.
She laughs. "Of course. I just thought maybe you were addicted to that dick now and I'll never see you again."
"Oh my god, we did not have sex yet!"
"You said 'yet'!"
Then, as if to torture me, Paul suddenly coughs and announces his presence in the doorway.
My entire body goes ice-cold, but my face seems to catch on fire. "I'll see you in fifteen minutes," I mumble into the phone, hanging up on her.
When I meet Paul's eyes, he smiles with amusement.
"Sorry, I saw it was her calling, so I answered…"
He walks over and sits down next to me. "It's fine. How you feelin'?"
"She told me I slept an entire day."
He nods slowly, and my eyes travel down the length of his neck to his bare torso. There's a thin sheen of sweat on his tanned, tattooed skin. Something stirs in my stomach.
"Yeah, you looked pretty cute curled up in my bed," he teases, hand coming up to rest on the small of my back.
Goosebumps erupt on my arms. His touch is electrifying. "Shut up," I whisper playfully. "Where did you go?"
"Out for a run."
His hand starts to rub circles into my back before slipping under my sweater to touch my skin. I ward off a shiver, glancing at his body again. He's wearing basketball shorts and a pair of Nike running shoes, his sculpted chest rising and falling evenly with his breaths.
I curl my fingers into the sheets and look at his lips. "How was it?"
"Was supposed to release some tension, but…" he trails off and his hand slowly comes to a stop.
Before I know it, his lips are crushing against mine and I'm whimpering into his mouth. He pulls me into his lap and my fingers knot into his hair at the back of his head, drawing him closer. His tongue is minty as it slides between my lips and his hands hold my face.
I don't know why, but I'm suddenly starving for him. My body is alive with the energy pulsing between us and I can't take it. My hips sink deeper against his lap until I can feel his growing hardness between my legs.
He suddenly lifts me and I squeak as he falls onto the bed on top of me, my legs curling around his waist. He's pressed right where my body wants him and my hips lift against him to alleviate some of the burning pressure between my legs.
His hands slip beneath my sweater and skim over my sides and my stomach, leaving goosebumps and my skin tingling in their wake.
"Are you—" his whisper is suddenly cut off by the shrill ring of his cell phone.
His forehead falls against my shoulder in defeat and he growls, sitting up on his knees and grabbing his phone. "It's Josie," he says, voice weak.
Realization of what might have just happened hits me and I suddenly feel very self-conscious laying here, even though I can feel – and see – exactly how Paul feels about it.
He slides his thumb across the screen and puts the phone on speaker. "Yes?" he asks, annoyed.
"Just wondering when you'll be bringing my best friend home."
Taking a deep breath, he makes a face. "Right now," he mumbles, hanging up on her.
I can feel my cheeks getting red, so I sit up quickly and hop off the bed. "I'm so sorry," I mutter quickly.
He laughs. "It's okay, don't apologize. I'll, uh… I'll meet you out there in a sec."
Swallowing, I nod and quickly slide into my shoes that are waiting by his door. I can't get out of the room fast enough.
A few minutes later Paul walks out of his room in a pair of jeans and a hoodie. His perfect smile makes me weak in the knees, and when he pulls up on his jeans a little my thoughts go right back to how he felt between my legs.
After that, it's hard for me to look him in the eyes without my stomach tingling.
When we get to Josie's, she's already on the front porch with two steaming cups of coffee and a thick blanket. I give Paul a quick peck so my body doesn't get the chance to melt into him and he waves at Josie before taking off.
I sit in the chair next to her and she spreads some of the blanket over my lap, handing me one of the coffee cups.
"Are you sure you didn't fuck?"
I almost spit my coffee back into the mug. "Josie," I whine. Paul isn't even out of sight yet and she's already talking about it.
"Just be ready for that shapeshifter stamina. All. Night. Long. I'm not kidding."
"You're relentless."
"I'm honest. There's a difference."
"Hardly, when it comes to you."
There's a lightness in the air. I don't know if it's my tension or hers that has lessened, but either way, it's nice. The memory of packing my bags to leave for New York seems like it was so long ago after everything that's happened since then.
"I can't believe you knew about them the whole time and never said anything," I tell her, sinking into my chair.
She smiles. "What was I going to say? Should I have opened with 'there's a bunch of werewolves in La Push, so I'm taking you there'?"
We both laugh and I'm so overwhelmed with happiness that I want to cry just to release some of the emotions I'm feeling. I feel terrible for not fully trusting her when this entire time she's had my safety in mind. Since the very beginning she's had my back.
After a moment of silence, I look over at her and smile softly. "Thank you, Josie. For everything. Bringing me here, letting me stay with you… just, everything."
"I wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for you. Did you really think I'd be able to leave you behind after that?" Smiling back at me, she leans over and wraps her arm around me in a hug, careful not to spill either of our coffees.
After a solid minute or two of hugging each other, she pulls away and shakes her head, taking a loud breath. "Besides, you never would've gotten to fuck Paul if I didn't," she jokes.
I laugh and take a sip of my coffee.
The sun is finally awake, casting shadows over the front yard and catching the morning condensation on the grass. It's one of my favorite things about La Push, aside from the beach. I love the way the forest is always alive and buzzing and glittering under the sunlight.
Every morning the day is reborn.
That's kind of how I feel right now: reborn. The lingering fear gnawing at the back of my mind is gone. I slept for an entire day without a single dream. Was this really all I needed this whole time?
"So," Josie says, reaching her long legs out to rest her feet on the porch railing, "the bonfire got a little out of control. That wasn't exactly what I planned for."
That's kind of an understatement.
"Remember when you were yelling at Malachi for teasing me, and you said something about his 'imprint.' What is that?" I ask, glancing at her curiously.
The lightless in the air turns heavy real quick. She looks back at me as a brief panic runs through her, but her face remains perfectly stoic. "Oh, um," she pauses and chews at the corner of her mouth. "It's, well… it's kind of hard to explain. Basically, an imprint is a wolf's soulmate."
I wait for her to elaborate.
She licks her lips. "After they phase for the first time, their whole existence becomes tied to their imprint. Kind of like, their reason for living."
It clicks in my head.
"So, are you Embry's?"
She nods.
"And Emily is Sam's?"
She nods again.
It makes sense now. The way they move together, the way everything about them is synched, right down to their very breaths – they're soulmates. Real, true soulmates. Something you read about in romance novels and dream will happen to you one day.
The awe is quickly replaced by the rolling of my stomach. "Do they all have one?"
Her head shakes. "Well, somewhere, yeah. But not everyone has found them, yet."
I feel sick.
That means, somewhere out there, Paul has one.
Now I understand why he told me Rachel just wasn't the one. But I'm not, either, and I was just under him ready to give him every part of me. Ready to give him something I've never given anyone else before. Just like that.
Josie notices my sudden apprehension and pushes my knee with her foot. "What's wrong?"
I look at her, unsure of how to word my question. "What about—" my voice breaks, and I swallow to regain composure. "What if he imprints? Kissing and fooling around is different than, well, you know…"
I can't even bring myself to say his name out loud or I feel like he might slip right through my grasp.
She just makes a face and shakes her head. "Don't worry for a second about that," she replies, and I can tell she means it.
But still, how am I supposed to move forward knowing it could all be taken from me at any second?
I gasp.
"Sam and Leah," I say, a bit louder than I meant to.
Josie frowns a little and nods. "Yeah…"
"They can't choose who they imprint on, can they?"
She shakes her head. "It just happens."
"When?"
"When they see them for the first time."
I can't even find my words right now. I'm torn between feeling so awful for Leah and so happy for Emily, and now I finally understand why Sam did what he did. At least I can feel a little bit better about his part in all of it – he never had a choice.
"Why do they imprint?" I finally ask.
"No one really knows. Maybe to find the best mate to carry on the gene?"
"So what if they don't imprint?"
She shrugs. "They don't age as long as they're phasing, so I guess they would just keep waiting until they did."
"They don't age?!" I yell. "How old are they?"
I can hear Embry suddenly laughing from inside. I wonder how long he's been listening.
Josie laughs, too, and sets her mug on the ground. "Sam's the oldest. He's only twenty-seven."
I'm quiet for a moment. "How do they know they don't age if they aren't even that old?"
"Well, Sam phased when he was nineteen, Jared and Paul phased when they were sixteen, same with Embry, Quil, and Jacob, and Seth phased when he was only fourteen. None of them have aged physically at all since then. Right before they phase for the first time, they go through this crazy growth spurt to physical maturity and then they're stuck there until they stop."
That explains some of the boyish faces on manly bodies.
My head is swimming.
What does that mean for Josie and Embry? She'll grow old and he'll never catch up? Can they even stop phasing with the constant threat of vampires? How many of them have already imprinted?
"You look worried again."
I snap out of it and meet her eyes. "What'll happen with you and Embry if he never stops phasing?"
Her head falls against the back of her chair and she closes her eyes. "He will. The pack is pretty big right now, and will probably only get bigger. Once the threat isn't so close to home, the older guys will stop phasing. The Cullen's can't stay in one place for too long without being suspicious, and they're already pushing it."
I cross my legs in the chair and chew on my lip. It makes sense that there would be some kind of biological mechanism in their DNA to make sure the gene doesn't die out. I guess that mean's Emily's baby will likely be able to change at some point in its life.
"So, is Leah the only girl?"
Josie nods and pulls the blanket up to her neck. "We don't know why, but for whatever reason there haven't been any women shapeshifters besides her. It could be because those that carry the gene seem to only have boys, but Jacob has two sisters, and neither of them can phase, so that doesn't really make sense…"
Poor Leah. I'm sure she probably feels so trapped and alone being the only girl. If there were never any other women that have experienced it, that means she had to figure it out all by herself.
"Can Leah imprint?"
Josie's brows pull together. "I'm not sure, honestly. I would think so…"
"I'm going to text her," I say, searching for my phone. I realize I never took it to Paul's with me in the first place. "Hold on, I'm gonna go get my phone."
Inside, Embry is posted on the couch watching TV with a huge bowl of cereal in his lap. He lifts his head at me in acknowledgment and shovels a spoonful of what looks like Lucky Charms into his mouth.
My phone is sitting on my bed, right where I left it the other night. I tap the home button and it lights up, at 30%, and has fifteen missed calls from Josie, three from Embry, and numerous worried texts asking if I left the reservation. I climb back down the ladder and go through them all as I walk back outside.
"You probably shouldn't ask Leah about imprinting," Josie warns as I sit down in my chair again.
I make a face at her. "I'm not texting her about that. I'm not an idiot."
Asking Leah about imprinting would be like pulling and tossing a grenade pin and holding onto the bomb. After all of the heartbreak and pain she's had to endure watching Sam and Emily, the last thing I want to do is step on any eggshells.
/
To: Leah
Message: Hey, can we hang out for a little today? Xx
/
"Hey, I think Sam invited everyone over tonight. Just so everyone can relax and have a good time. Do you wanna go?" Josie asks.
I nod as my phone dings and a reply from Leah pops up.
/
From: Leah
Message: Ya, I'm at 1st beach rn. Meet here?
/
"I'm going to the beach to talk to Leah," I tell her, standing up again. "I'll be back in a little bit."
The thought to shower crosses my mind, but the salty air is going to stick to my skin anyways, so I'll shower when I get home. I take off on foot through the trail in the woods and pop out between the coffee shop and the gas station.
My eyes follow the coffee shop windows as I walk by. I really hope I don't lose my job. I wasn't all that professional about how I handled things a few days ago. Embry covered for me and all, but I still feel really bad about it. I hope Tiffany can trust me when I come back on Monday.
When I finally get to the beach, I kick my shoes off and start to drag my feet. I find Leah just a little ways down the shore, perched on a log with her feet stuffed into a mountain of packed sand.
She smiles when I sit down next to her, but it doesn't reach her eyes at all. She looks perfectly happy, but she's upset right now, I can feel it. I don't know why, but she's hurting.
"Are you okay?" I ask, dropping my shoes and shoving my feet into the sand as well.
Her smile falters and she looks back out at the water. "Seth told me he told you," she replies, licking her lips and then rubbing them together. Her hair is tucked neatly behind her ears and she's wearing a tank top and shorts even though it's not warm out yet.
Nodding, I start piling more sand on top of my feet like Leah's. "He did," I reply. "That and I also saw Paul and Jacob trying to kill each other."
She snorts and a real smile appears on her face. "Yeah, Jake was pissed after that," she laughs.
I laugh with her for a moment and then we both go quiet. There's a million things I want to ask her, but I don't want to bombard her with questions when she's already got something on her mind, and I don't want to pry about why she's upset either. I decide to just let her take the lead and I'll follow when she's ready.
There are a few seals playing in the waves in front of us, riding them in and swimming back out with them. We watch them in silence until Leah clears her throat and starts drawing designs in the mountain of sand on her feet.
"Things weren't always so tense and broken, you know."
I don't say anything – I just listen and wait for her to continue.
"Sam and I were happy together. Seth was still a kid. My parents were bending over backwards to make sure we had a shot at being successful in life… And then everything just got so fucked up."
I lean into her for support, to let her know I'm paying attention, but still remain quiet. Sometimes I think people need to be heard rather than replied to.
"It's my fault my dad died," she says quietly. "I can't talk to anyone in either of the packs. They don't get it. They just say it's not my fault, but it is."
She takes a deep, shaky breath and turns her head away from me. "I was arguing with my mom the night he died. I don't even remember what we were fighting about – that's how stupid and insignificant it was – but I was so mad about it I phased. Right there in the living room. And my dad was so surprised because of it and afraid of what I am that his heart stopped… And then Seth phased too and he was so young and I just… I hate myself. For all of it. I wish it had been me instead of my dad."
"You had no control over it," I tell her softly. "If the situations were reversed, would you ever blame Seth?"
Her body tenses. "I… No, I wouldn't. But it wasn't because of Seth, it was because of me."
It's my turn to take a deep breath. "I know what you mean by wishing it was you instead of him… I feel that way about my dad a lot." The last thing I want to do is try to overwrite Leah's pain with my own, but I think maybe it'll be good if she understands that I know what she's been through. That she's not alone.
She peers at me out of the corner of her eye.
"I had this stupid ballet recital I wanted him to come to," I tell her, tucking my hands under my chin. "I told him if he didn't, I'd be mad at him forever, so he took the first available flight and the plane ended up crashing. If I hadn't acted so spoiled, he'd still be alive…"
I hear Leah inhale sharply.
No one but my mother knows about that. After she found out, she wanted me gone forever. In a way, I still don't really blame her. If it had been her fault, maybe I would've tried to kill her, too.
Her eyes soften and I swear for a split second, she looks like a lost, young girl. Lower lip trembling, she tucks the loose hair back behind her ear and shakes her head. "That wasn't your fault," she manages to croak, wiping her eyes.
I know that now, after years of self-loathing, but I didn't realize how much I needed to hear it out loud until she said it. "It wasn't yours either, Leah."
Sniffling, she wipes at her glossy eyes and shakes her head. "It feels like my whole life as a shapeshifter has been a bad omen," she says. "It started out in the worst way possible, and I don't think it'll end any better. And the very people I'm helping Jake protect are the whole reason this shit even started in the first place."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"The Cullen's."
I feel my face drain of color when she says their name. "So you protect… vampires?"
Leah gives me an uncertain look and shrugs her shoulders. "I just couldn't stay in Sam's pack anymore. Hearing everything he thought all the time just made everything so much harder…"
I can relate to that, sort of. "You can hear each other's thoughts?"
She nods. "Only when we're phased, and only within our own pack, except for alphas. They can hear each other."
A group of kids approach and run by while kicking a soccer ball, laughing and pushing each other around. They're all smiles and innocence and happiness and for a second Leah's mood lightens, but then seems to sink further than it was before.
I look at her as she buries her face into her hands.
"You know, I never really thought about having kids while growing up. Some girls know right away that they want to be moms – I was kind of undecided. The first time I really thought about it was after I'd been dating Sam for a while…"
Her voice is unsteady and I can tell she's crying. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and lean into her.
"Now I don't think I even can… So not only has my dad and my privacy been taken away from me, but my ability to have children was stripped before I could even decide if it was something I wanted for myself or not. I'm stuck in this stupid body and it doesn't age. I don't even remember the last time I had a period."
I swallow and tighten my arm around her.
Leah and I are alike in more ways than I expected. I could sit here all day and tell her I know exactly how she feels, because I do, but that won't help either of us. There has to be a silver lining somewhere that we can focus on.
She suddenly groans and sits up, wiping furiously at her eyes. "This meet up on the beach turned into a therapy session," she jokes, laughing quietly.
"We shouldn't hold everything in anymore," I tell her, looking out at the waves. "What good would it do, you know? All it does is makes you feel miserable and lonely."
Out of the corner of my eye, I see her nod and look out at the water, too. "It's my dad's birthday tomorrow. Every year we have a celebration of life at the community center for him. Will you come?"
"Of course I will." I turn back to her and smile.
She feels less heavy, now. I don't know how long she held onto all of that, but I'm glad she was able to release it. If I've learned anything about my time here in La Push, it's how healing it is to let go of the bad things and make room for something new – something better.
I know there's something good out there for Leah. If there was for me, there has to be for her, too.
A/N: Don't hate me, I realize this took me forever to get out. I literally rewrote it 3 times before giving up xD guess I'm just too anxious for the next chapter ;) sorry if this one was kinda boring - it's necessary! I'll put out the next chapter quick to make up for it.
Sorry for any typos you saw (and I'm sure you saw some) as by the time I was finally done rewriting this over and over, I skimmed-proofread it lol. Leave me a review and let me know what you thought! Or don't, since this one was boring lol! Thank you for reading! xx