When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me, darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
Now Playing: Owl City / The Saltwater Room
It was Elsa's turn to bring the doughnuts. Lugging her briefcase in one hand while the other clutched the box of goodies she brought with her, she warred against the rain and finally made it in front of Tadashi's apartment. She cursed under her breath before dropping her briefcase on the floor, the doughnuts a top priority as she examined the contents closely, making sure they didn't get soaked from the pellets of water that mercilessly assaulted her. Convinced that they were still edible, Elsa sighed in relief before pressing the doorbell. It had only taken one hurried buzz to alert Tadashi of Elsa's arrival, prompting the young man to open the door for his rain-soaked guest.
Elsa didn't waste a single second, forgetting all pleasantries while she trudged through the door to Tadashi's small living room. She carefully placed the doughnuts on the tabletop before squirming out of her damp blazer, briskly letting her bun loose as a crown of rich, blonde hair cascaded down from her shoulders to the small of her back. As if Tadashi weren't there, she rolled up the edge of her tanktop, and twisted it into a knot to get rid of the water it had soaked up, not minding one bit that its residues were dripping on the carpet. Elsa also didn't seem to care that a sliver of her perfectly sculpted abdomen was in plain sight. She wordlessly continued to unwind, ripping the stilettos off her feet while mussing her drenched hair from behind before plopping down the couch in a sloppy yet demure manner that Tadashi couldn't help but shake his head at her and smile.
"Hi, Tadashi," she finally acknowledged him, grinning sheepishly, "I brought us doughnuts."
Tadashi stood a good distance away from her, arms crossed in front of him with his distracting biceps lining the sleeves of his awfully thin sweater. He watched Elsa the whole time, and during those excruciating minutes of witnessing the most beautiful girl go about her business of discarding articles of clothing on his couch like it was the most normal thing in the world, he had struggled greatly to hold down the heat that was creeping from the core of his stomach that threatened to illuminate his face like fireworks in the middle of the Fourth of July. He pushed down the lump in his throat before attempting to open his mouth, terrified that his words might come out as nothing more but asinine babbling.
He would've chosen the babbling any time of the day over the unflattering squeak that came out instead. "I see that," he stammered, the blush he had fought so hard to hold down emerging from his cheeks and the tip of his ears. "I mean, that's great. I'm glad you have the doughnuts. It's your turn anyway," he tried again, willing his voice to drop a few octaves down to somehow sound nonchalant. Fortunately, Elsa simply raised her brow at her best friend, completely unaware of the butterflies consuming Tadashi's insides, their wings flapping about and poking at that stupid, stubborn, beating muscle that kept pumping blood to his already crimson face.
Best friend. She's my best friend. Get a grip, Tadashi.
"You okay, mate?" Elsa inquired softly with a change of accent and lilt to her voice, brows furrowed this time with concern when Tadashi's countenance shifted from jovial to crestfallen. But that didn't last long when the corner of his lips curled up into a smirk.
"You're still trying the whole Aussie thing? You sound terrible, Andersen," he quipped, finally joining his friend on the couch. "For someone who speaks more than three languages, you really suck at sounding Australian. I'd like to think it's the easiest one to imitate."
Elsa playfully punched him in the arm, feigning insult. "First of all, that was me trying to sound English. I think I sounded like Hermione Granger, and you're just jealous because you can't do it," she countered before poking her tongue out at him. Tadashi's heart rammed his chest once again, his pulse going on a rampage at the sight of that pink skin proudly staring him in the face. His thoughts went awry, digressing into inappropriate scenarios concerning Elsa's tongue and his tongue and—
"Tadashi, are you okay?" Elsa asked again, tearing him away from his fanciful musings that seemed to have grown more vivid the past the few weeks. "You're dozing off again. Is everything okay?"
He had to think quickly on his feet, rearrange and correct his disarrayed thoughts to avoid the risk of compromising their friendship. "Well," he started, shoulders shrugging, "you're just a mudblood, Elsa. And I think Hermione would disown you."
Elsa's mouth gaped open in surprise, luminous blue eyes widening in disbelief. "You did not just call me a mudblood," she snarled, the stubborn bangs she kept trying to push away falling over her eyes triumphantly. "I was sorted as a Slytherin—through Pottermore—and it is not nice to call someone a mudblood!" Elsa rambled furiously while hitting Tadashi with a cushion. Tadashi sat unmoved next to her, not even raising a finger to block her feeble blows. He yawned exaggeratedly and let her avenge herself with a few more hits before finally deciding to put a stop to it.
Tadashi launched himself from the couch to grab her arms, but lost control and landed on top of her instead, his weight pinning them both down with their foreheads bumping against each other. In a brief moment of wonder, he allowed himself a fragment of a second to hover his face over hers, so close that he could count the freckles scattered over her nose and her cheeks. It didn't help that she felt so warm against him, the light fabric of her tank top radiating heat from her skin to his. Elsa's lips parted in shock with a mixture of confusion, the freckles on her cheek dissipating as a wave of furious red coated them. With her hands balled up and pressed against his chest, Tadashi halfheartedly detached himself from her and scrambled back to where he was sitting before.
The two shared a moment of absolute silence and the only sound resonating in Tadashi's ears was the deafening stampede his nerves were orchestrating within the confines of his internal structure that was concealed by a mass of flesh and muscle. Elsa sat stoic next to him, an equally unsettling sensation permeating a very unfamiliar corner of her heart that she didn't know existed. There was a sudden jolt, an intruding spark that gave life to something that she couldn't pinpoint. What was it? Her mind buzzed with questions that she never dared to entertain before, aware that the silence won't last very long, aware of the fact that this childish incident could not possibly lead up to the absurd possibility that—
"Want some doughnuts?" Tadashi asked, interrupting her brewing anxiety as he presented the unattended box in front of her, his eyes quietly pleading for her to disregard the awkward mishap that just happened a few moments ago.
"Y-yeah," she replied, hesitating to make eye contact in fear that she might start to blush again. Tadashi noticed that she had started to tap her knuckles together, a nervous tic that he was acquainted with after so many years of knowing her. Her sister Anna did it, too. Tadashi was fully aware that something was bothering the blonde, but he knew better and pushed his inquiries aside.
Has it been fifteen years? They've known each other since they were children, and they even went to the same schools up until college. Tadashi knew her every move, even the most random things about her like the way her nose would scrunch up while immersed in a book because her eyeglasses had the tendency to always slide down.
He kept her "biggest" secret all these years: her Harry Potter obsession that no one knew about except him and a few friends. Elsa even wrote a couple of fan fiction stories about it that she only shared with him with the assurance that he would not mention a word about it to anyone, not even her sister. He knew that she hated blue cheese, and always made her coffee with two spoonfuls of sugar, not three. She didn't understand the point of decaf coffee, and she was very good at playing chess. Her favorite movie was Disney's Up, and she would still cry over it no matter how many times she had already seen it. She loved the band Muse and Arctic Monkeys and spent one summer in her junior year of college following them around London during their world tour with her roommate. She even got Tadashi to listen to all of their albums although he didn't find them appealing but ended up caving in because Elsa was so passionate about them.
Tadashi taught her how to snowboard, and she tutored him in Quantum Physics to help him pass an engineering course. In eight grade, Elsa broke her leg during a soccer accident and Tadashi stayed by her side whenever he could, always convincing his Aunt Cass to bring him to the hospital with the promise that he would do his homework while keeping Elsa company. Tadashi was only a year older, but he has been a consistent figure in Elsa's life and had always known that he loved her as a sister and as a best friend.
But as the years passed by, with Elsa blooming as a beautiful and attractive young lady, Tadashi found himself feeling things he had never felt before. The skinny, overly intelligent, and awkward brace-face who came to dinner every Friday night with her sister became more than just a familiar face. Elsa did a complete one-eighty, and Tadashi didn't know how to act around her anymore most days. He found himself putting together outfits, even mustering the courage to shave and use gel to smoothen his usually messy hair. He was falling hard and fast, but logic and fear hindered him from expressing these sentiments for he knew Elsa saw him as an older brother.
Elsa didn't know that he had stopped loving her as a friend for more than three years now.
Tadashi loved her every quirk, every candid snapshot of her doing something silly and goofy when no one else was around. He loved her without make-up, and thought she was the most beautiful under a baggy college sweater and sweatpants. He fell in love with her lop-sided smile, and found her passion for numbers and mathematics endearing. He could listen to her talk for hours at a time about formulas and theories without getting bored just as long as she continued to smile and ramble about things she loved. He loved the way she would text him quotes from her favorite books, and the way her eyes would light up under the pale moonlight during a night at the beach with their friends. He loved seeing her teary-eyed while watching a commerical about abandoned dogs, and he felt so useful and needed whenever she would let him embrace her and hold her. He found it adorable that she sliced her pizza into pieces instead of eating it as a whole, unwilling to get her hands messy. Everything Elsa did was perfect to him, but he was afraid to admit how he felt in fear of losing their friendship
Elsa swallowed thickly, crossing her legs uncomfortably to will herself to relax. She dropped her gaze to the colorful and round doughnuts in front of her, self-conscious and hyperaware that Tadashi was staring at her, his face only mere inches away. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and pressed her lips together, scrutinizing the doughnuts like it was so hard to pick one although she already decided which flavor to choose.
When she was done pretending to mull over them, she picked up a succulent, chocolate-coated Boston Cream and took a hearty bite out of it. Although an unspoken agreement was shared between them to not speak another word of what took place, Elsa couldn't easily shake off the image of Tadashi's face looming over her and those round, brown eyes boring into her blue ones.
What was it? Wait, what?
She didn't want these divisive and virulent thoughts to multiply and give meaning to something that wasn't there, so Elsa actively decided to push them farther to the back of her mind. She shifted her head to the left, facing Tadashi now, and tried for a smile. It was Wednesday night and she was with her best friend; they've been doing this for years—Doughnut Wednesdays—and she just wanted to settle down and tell him about her day and to hear about his. There was no need for unnecessary and impulsive ideations. They've been best friends for fifteen years, and she was in a committed relationship with—
Elsa felt Tadashi move next to her before hearing his question that made the delicious piece of Boston Cream in her mouth turn sour and undesirable all of a sudden.
"So how are you and Hans?" Tadashi asked while choosing his portion from the box, brown eyes roving around the plethora of sweets laid before him. "I haven't seen him in a while. Anything new?"
Elsa's shoulders slowly rose up to her ears and she dropped her doughnut to her side before her hands instinctively clasped each other. Her pulse suddenly quickened, and something…that stupid something that she couldn't pinpoint and detect started to throb inside of her as her lips pressed into a thin line once again, hinting distress and hesitation. She warily watched Tadashi choose his doughnut while swallowing the piece that she just bit. Why was she so anxious all of a sudden? What was supposed to be an exciting and life changing news turned into an event that she did not even want to disclose anymore.
"We're…we're moving in together," she said quietly, blue eyes zeroing in on a huge oil stain on the carpet beneath her feet.
Tadashi's hand froze mid-air, and he felt something crack and burn on the left side of his chest. Any trace of hunger that he had was washed away by the tide of unexplainable sadness that rose from his stomach. He felt like he was going to drown, but he held his head high above the turbulent waves and did what any best friend would.
He looked at Elsa and smiled—hoping that it didn't look forced—and immediately hugged her, careful not to pin her down this time like he had before.
"I'm happy for you. I'm so, so happy for you," he whispered in her ear, the strong and lingering scent of Elsa's strawberry-flavored shampoo filling his nostrils. He never wanted to let go, but he knew he would have to eventually. Elsa closed her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder as a brick load of guilt started to weigh her down.
She was supposed to be happy. This was good news. Elsa and Hans finally moving in together after two years of being a couple. Everyone expected that, they were the perfect two. She was about to start a new chapter of her life with the man that she loved, the man that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. But why did it feel so wrong? Why now?
Are you really happy for me, Tadashi?