My thoughts were interrupted by Ollie entering the room with a steaming cup of coffee.
He sat down on the bed and began to stroke my hair. 'How're you feeling?' He asked placing the coffee into my pale hands.
'Alright, I can't stop thinking about what happened. I just keep going over everything in my head.' I said taking a sip from the hot mug.
'You take as long as you need getting ready, we've got loads of time. When you get up, I'll get you some breakfast and then you can get yourself ready.'
'I don't want anything. I'll go for a shower and get dressed. What are you wearing?' I asked not sure what he'd show me.
'The suit I wore to penny's funeral. How about you?' He asked getting the suit from the wardrobe.
'It's hanging in the bathroom.' I said, we walked next door and brought back a plain black dress and a blazer. I knew that it showed that I had a small bump, but I didn't mind. I didn't think people would really be paying attention.
'I'll leave you to get ready. There's plenty of hot water, so relax.' He said kissing me on the head and leaving.
I got out of bed and went straight into the bathroom, I stood under the shower. As soon as I turned the tap, I felt the hot water soak my back. I just stood there, staring into space, letting the world move on without me. I turned the temperature up higher, singing my back. I couldn't feel the pain, but when I looked down I saw that my burning body was red. I turned down the shower and washed my long auburn hair.
I got out of the shower and dried my hair. I brushed the tangled hair upon my head; I then put it up into a neat bun. I then tried to put mascara on my eyelashes and eyeliner around my bloodshot eyes; it's not easy when you're shaking like mad. I put foundation on my warn face, I didn't bother to put on blusher as my cheeks were already scarlet. I picked up the maroon lipstick and put it on my lips, my hands shook badly, making me have to redo it a few times. I put on my dress; I looked in the mirror and rubbed my little bump. The dress didn't go past my knees, despite being a perfect fit when I bought it. I put on the blazer and stared into the mirror, I wouldn't have been able to do that a few months ago. I put on my black tights and jimmy choos, I was glad that they weren't too high. I grabbed my bag and put two packets of tissues inside.
I went downstairs to find Ollie, holding onto the banister for support. I went into the living room to find him failing at doing his tie.
'Here, let me do it.' I said taking the crumpled tie from his hands and doing it up for him.
'Thanks, you look lovely.' He said smiling.
'I'm starting to show now look, I can't believe I'm three and a half months gone already.' I said rubbing my stomach.
He also put his hand to my stomach, 'Who knows?' He asked.
'Connie, Elliott, Michael, Dan, Malick and sadly Hanssen knows as well. Have you told anyone yet?' I asked checking my watch.
'No, as soon as we go back to work let's tell everyone. Anyway let's go.' He said taking hold of my hand.
'The cars will be here in about five minutes so I'm going to go get my coat.' I said pressing a kiss upon his soft lips.
When we arrived at the church, there were already loads of people gathered there. The grave looks on their faces, made my heart drop. The amount of hearts that a teenage girl had touched meant more to me than anything. All we had left of her now were memories. Though I'd only known her for a few hours, the time we'd spent together would stay with me forever. She was the first person to break through the ice and now she'd left a small hole in which Ollie and our baby had crawled into. I guess that now the hole has sealed up, my usual ice queen exterior will be replenished and things would begin to go back to normal. I wasn't going to let anyone else in and that was how it had to be, otherwise I'd turn into Sahira and that's not the way I work.
I looked around and saw Connie and Elliott stood together talking, Connie looked at me and smiled. I then saw Sahira and Greg stood side by side, Greg had his arm around a rather mournful looking Sahira. Nearby, were Michael and Sacha, they seemed to be discussing something rather dull. I could see Tia, Amy and Emily stood with Lisa the care worker; I walked over to them and put my arm around an upset Amy. We all went into the large church.
The vicar stood there, he spoke about how this was a tragedy. Not being religious, his words were no comfort to me. Ollie held my hand as he spoke and as I rose to speak myself, a single tear rolled down my cheek.
'I only knew her for a few hours, in that time I met the most kind and beautiful person. In my whole life, I never expected to finally find her and tell everything I wanted to. But, when I finally did, she was taken away. She was funny and popular, yet she was cleaver and ambitious. She was so full of life, always putting others first, she wasn't one to put others down or tell them that they weren't good enough. She was independent and strong, always ready to fight for what she believed in. She had a big heart and used it to help everyone else, the thought and care she gave others is something which I believe is one of her amazing qualities which make us love her so much. I was surprised to see so many people here today, to see that she has touched so many hearts, means the world. But, what I've said aren't what I've seen, this is what those that are close to her have said. I wish that I was one of the people there to see her grow up, to see her turn from a naughty child, to a stubborn teenager. She didn't deserve to lose her life and right now I hope she's looking down here on all of us from a happy place.' By the time I'd finished, I had tears running down my cheeks. I went and sat next to Ollie and he put his arm around me as I sobbed.
Amy walked to the front and opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She looked at me, her tearstained face breaking my heart. I nodded at her and she tried again, this time succeeding to let out a quiet voice. 'Jess, was like a sister, we did everything together. She was always ready to have a laugh yet she would always understand if you didn't want to. She was caring and was all I had, we went through so much together and now I feel as if I'm alone. Wherever she is, I hope she's happy. I know that she always wanted to meet her mum and I'm so glad that she got the chance. I can see so much of Jac in her, for one they're both stubborn and they both have beautiful, auburn hair. She was so funny and always kept her chin up. I'm proud to know someone as wonderful as her. Goodbye Jess, we all miss you.' She said breaking down in tears. I smiled at her to give her a little reassurance. The rest of the funeral was beautiful and at the end we played people help the people by birdy as it was her favourite song.
I left the church knowing that I'd finally done something right for her. We decided not to go the reception; instead Ollie and I invited our close friends back to our house. Ollie, Connie, Elliott and I got one taxi, whilst Sacha, Michael Greg and Sahira got in another.
'It was a beautiful service, Connie and I were both in tears by the end of your speech.' Elliott said touching my hand.
'Thank you, I was surprised that I was actually able to get any words out. I've been thinking, I can't cope with you all being depressed through the whole evening, so I say we celebrate her life. We've got half an hour to be sad, then we're going out and getting drunk.' I said.
'Jac, you've just buried your daughter, besides you're not supposed to be drinking.' Said Ollie, staring at me.
'Yes I can, as long as I don't get super drunk and this is the only time I'll be fine. I'm going to work in two days by the way so make sure that my office is ready and waiting for my return. Don't look at me like that Ollie, this is my decision and I'm putting my foot down so deal with it.' I said not letting myself be pushed around.
'Fine, but you're not getting drunk. Let's go to Albi's, it's always nice there.' Said Ollie winking at Elliott.
'Fine. Come back to ours for a bit, then we'll meet at Albi's at let's say Eight o'clock.' I said as we reached home.