Peyton turned and looked at her best friend - standing smiling watching the game, cheering as the team continued with their winning streak. She felt safe to be back with her friend like this - as she turned she saw Nathan shoot again and score and he smiled at her quickly before running back down the court. Suddenly she realised that everything had returned to what it once was - no Haley - no Lucas. It had gone back to how it had usually been.

This is the life - everyone has to be somewhere - I am here

But instead of feeling back to normal - Peyton felt unsettled, it was almost like Lucas had never existed in their world - like he had been part of some dream and now they were all waking up and just like most dreams he would be something they would all forget. But Peyton couldn't forget not as easily as the others - he had left a permanent scare on her brain - and she had tried so hard to push him aside to focus on her and Nathan to focus on school - but it seemed as if things were reminding her of him everywhere she went - like he was all over her world like he had left reminders of him every where she went.

She felt more and more angry at herself for feeling and thinking like that - how did he always manage to do that? She hated him but at the same time he consumed her - even when he was miles away he was still there.

She needed to talk to someone but she had no one - she couldn't approach Nathan about it and Brooke wasn't a good option either - but she could feel herself pulling further away from both of them and the more she did it she knew the harder it would get.

Testing a dream - the pressure of dreams is the killer of dreams and it only gets harder

"P.Sawyer"

"Davis"

"Whats up with you tonight? You've been somewhere else all night?"

Peyton sighed and turned to look at her friend, she hated that she couldn't hide how she was feeling, that Brooke always seemed to know when she had something on her mind.

"Its just... I mean its been like 2 months, don't you ever wonder? I can't help it Brooke, I mean I can't believe that he would just leave with no word or anything its not like Lucas and I... "

"Peyton, maybe it was just what he needed to do you know?"

"And thats fine, but did he not think that we were worthy of an explanation? I thought... I thought we meant more, I thought I meant more than that."

"Lucas is gone, and you have Nathan - and he is crazy in love with you. Your finally happy Peyton - you should focus on that and look towards the future."

Peyton knew Brooke was right - it all made sense in theory, but she wished it was that easy - that she could just move on and not think about him - but Peyton was somethings but she knew her head it knew the reality of the situation and her forgetting about Lucas Scott was not going to be an easy task.

This is the life - this is my life

Nathan watched as Dan held out he's hand to Karen to help her out of her chair - it was weird to see them laughing and smiling with what seemed like they had no care in the world - he hadn't adjusted to this - it was almost like he couldn't quite believe it was actually happening.

Nathan turned to watch Peyton as she sat with Brooke laughing and smiling. They had finally gotten back into their routine. At least thats how it had felt to start with, but he admitted that he had been afraid he could feel Peyton pulling away from him - even after there discussions even after he had told her he loved her - she had said it back - but yet he could still feel the distance from her - like when they were together it was almost as if she was somewhere else and he hated it - he hated the fact that he could feel her pulling away and he was unable to stop any of it.

The only thing that settled him were that in some weird way things were starting to feel normal again - he was playing better than ever - Brooke and Peyton were friends again, even he's Mum had decided to get help - so when Dan had announced to him at breakfast 2 weeks ago that he and Karen were engaged it knocked the life out of him.

Not that he didn't want he's Dad to be happy - not that he wasn't happy for the two of them, but it was so unexpected so out of nowhere. So when he's Dad sat him down and told him how they had gotten close again - how they had put things from the past to rest and were trying to move forward he accepted it. He had never understood either of he's parents actions and this was no exception. But what he did see was a change it Dan - he seemed happy a side of him that Nathan didn't think he had ever seen - it was refreshing and he seemed less concerned about the small things - he had let things go and if anyone needed to do that it was Dad.

But now here he stood at their engagement party and he was about to give his speech Dan had asked him to do it, something that Nathan hated doing anyway but to have to stand there and talk about them was just to weird. So instead of that he decided to draw on he's feelings on love - he's experiences from it.

He looked back over to Peyton again - she looked beautiful tonight - her curly hair hanging down her shoulders - and wearing green - he loved how she looked in green - he watched her for a while as she made her way across the room - she was smiling and talking to everyone. He's Dad motioned for him to give he's speech and he sighed nervously making he's way to the table - he clinked he's glass as silence fell over the room.

He made sure he could see Peyton - she smiled at him giving him a quiet confidence.

"I hate giving speech's. Thats probably not the best way to start I know - but I think thats something you all need to be aware of. We're here to celebrate two people finding each other and I guess no ones story is uncomplicated along the way there are always bumps in the road things pulling you away from that person - but sometimes, somehow you find your way back to them."

Nathan couldn't stop staring at Peyton, he's complete focus on her, everything he was saying, he was saying it to her, for her.

"I never believed in things like whats meant to be or destiny or anything like that - but recently my faith in that has been restored and I can thank love for that."

As Peyton listened to the words from Nathan's mouth - tears formed in her eyes and she suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe like the room around her is getting smaller - as Nathan's words continue and ring through her ears she stars looking around for some kind of exit and she is making her way across the room - trying not to focus on anything else other than getting out of that room.

She sits down in the lobby and sighs - why couldn't she let it go, why was she still hanging on? And why was she still lying to herself that she couldn't let it go - she could feel herself still pulling away from Nathan and she hated it, she knew that she was keeping a part of herself hidden the part that she had only ever shown to one other person.

"Hey P, are you okay? Why did you run out so fast? You feeling okay?"

"Sorry I'm just feeling a bit light headed..."

"You want me to take you home?" Nathan rest his hands on her shoulders.

"Why are so good to me?"

Nathan smiled "Because I love you."

Peyton watched as Nathan looked deep into her eyes as he said those words - why couldn't she just let it go - why was she always holding back? Why was she holding onto a ghost of someone who clearly wasn't thinking about her. Why was she always thinking about him, when she was still so angry with him. Tears fell down her face at the words.

"I love you too. Your too good to me - I keep you at arms length and your too good for me."

Peyton watched as Nathan backed away from her slightly she knew she could see from the way he was looking at her now that he was frustrated, angry, wondering why they were back here again. Wondering why she was still feeling that way.

"I thought we had gotten through this, I thought it was just gonna be you and me..."

"I am trying Nathan.. but I can't..."

"IS IT HIM PEYTON? Is it Lucas? Because I'm never gonna be him - I will never be like that, I will never be THAT guy. Is he what you want? Someone who leaves and lets you down all the time?"

Peyton knew Nathan was right. He was right, but something inside of her just wouldn't let it go. She dropped her head forward looking down to the ground, the look in Nathan's eyes were burning through her.

"Maybe you enjoy that part of you and Lucas that he's able to hurt you. Because I feel like you push anyone away who treats you right..."

"I don't want you to be him, its just I wanna understand why he left Nathan does that make me a bad person to feel that way?"

Nathan moved towards her slightly "No it doesn't. But why didn't you tell me thats how you were feeling, why wouldn't you share that with me? Why say you were okay with it if you weren't? Did you think that I couldn't handle it - I know that you're sad and angry with him for leaving that way - but Peyton dammit you have to let me in..."

"I want to Nathan, I do so much - but I don't know how to be like that, I spent so much time building up all these walls and then you make me feel like I don't need them and it terrifies me. I don't know what to do with that - because if I fall and you're not there, they'll be no one to pick me up."

Peyton looked up to meet Nathan's eyes, he had moved closer to her now, and pulled her into his arms.

"I will always be here. You can think that anything else is a lie - but you have to believe me when I say that I will never let you down. Look at me Peyton" Nathan moved away slightly turning her face to look at his "I'm not Lucas. I'm not going anywhere."

Peyton leaned in closer to him- letting out all the tears that she had been holding in - all the feelings that she had been scared to admit - she knew that her and Nathan needed more talking but in that moment this was all she needed all he needed - he needed to know that she wanted him to be there for her - that she needed him in her life, all she wanted was the security and the reassurance from Nathan that it all meant as much to him as it did to her.

Most of all she knew she had to let go - as Nathan drove her home that night she leaned back in her seat and looked up at the stars instantly being taken back to that night with Lucas - the memories of it put a smile across her face - she remembered the laughter - she had never laughed so much in her life - she always remembered the sadness of that night and the realisation that it wasn't when Lucas went to Charlotte that he walked out of her life - it was that night in her room - he abandoned her long ago - when he made the choice to not be the person she thought he was, and even after the apologies and the thoughtful speech's from in it all came down to the same thing - he had walked out on her time and time again, when he knew she needed him, and instead of being mad at him, instead of hating him - she just carried on loving him and the more she did that, the more she started to hate herself for it. She realised that she didn't need to feel that way - because as she looked to her side she saw everything that she needed, she had someone who she knew - was there through everything - someone who when they got scared didn't back away - someone who loved her.

As she walked through her bedroom door she sat at her computer and turned it on, slowly standing up she turned on her stereo - the radio filled the room.

You and your friends boxes of ten - cool to the touch you warn me so much - the white to your left the red to your right - are all that I'd seen til I realised the love that I seek lies right in-between

Peyton sighed heavily the night had been long, she was so tired - but she knew she had one last thing she had to do before she could let it all go. She lifted her microphone of her desk and started to speak.

"So Peyton Sawyer here again - letting you in on her life. So the last time we spoke - I told you about a guy that I have in my life. I realised tonight how easy it is to takes things for granted and how easy it is to be selfish and get caught up in how you feel without realising what your putting other people through. I don't wanna be a selfish person, because I've had alot of people come in and out of my life that have been like that and I know how much that hurt me it just makes me not want to be like anymore.

This is probably gonna be my last one of these, cos I also realised that after to this I won't need it anymore. Because my last message is to one person in particular and this person if they're even listening knows who they are.

Its okay that you did what you did, and you wanna know why its okay. Because I don't care anymore - I'm doing now what I should have done a long long time ago - I'm letting you go."

Peyton put down the microphone and unplugged it and shut down her computer - she got undressed and lay in her bed she turned to switch on the light by her bed but as she got there she realised she didn't need it anymore. Reaching over to pick up her cell phone she dialled the number automatically.

"I just want you to know - that everything is gonna be okay. And I do love you."

Peyton heard Nathan breathe in deeply. "I know. I love you too"

Peyton didn't know but there had been someone listening that night - just not the person she expected.

Songs

Wendy and Lisa - This is The Life

The Feeling - Rose