Summary: Lily hates James. James loves Lily. Secrets, pain, laughter, and a lot of growing. Begins with an excerpt from Order of the Phoenix, no longer in Harry's POV, but through Lily and James. Now DH compliant, so some spoilers! Rated M for adult themes in later chapters and some language.

Disclaimer: I own nothing that you may in any way recognize. All of the characters save for a few of my own imagination belong to J.K. Rowling.

Chapter 14: Sweet Dreams

September, and Hogwarts was a buzz with students once more.

Lily had been appointed Head Girl. She had been given the options of using the Head's bedroom as a privilege, or her old room in Gryffindor Tower. To everyone's shock, Lily chose to remain in her old room, though she did plan to use the Head's bathroom for moments that she needed to relax in a nice bubble bath.

Most people attributed it to Lily's decision, but Remus Lupin, Head Boy, also chose to remain in his own quarters. Lily and Cassandra knew that it was most likely because of his condition and the fact that he needed his friends nearby him.

The atmosphere of Hogwarts had changed. Where once the halls had been distinctly cheerful, and vibe of terror hung among the students. Lily's parents were the only deaths that occurred in the last summer, and there were both familiar faces missing or contorted by the pain of having to grow up too fast.

For Lily and Cassandra, their biggest blow came with the loss of Lane. Lane's mother was extremely worried about the way things in England seemed to be going for the wizarding world. Because Lane's father was American, the family had chosen to transfer to the other country, meaning Lane would have to go to a new school the next year. Lane had come by Cassandra's house the week before the new term so that they could all bid each other a tearful goodbye.

No, things this year certainly weren't going to be the same. Lily could see it the most in James, whose behavior had been strangely aloof. He hadn't asked her on a date in years, and Lily now found that she strangely missed the presence he'd had with her in the past year. Seeing him in the halls and merely nodding at each other was no longer enough for her anymore, and it frustrated her to no end.

To top it all off, Lily still couldn't sleep. She had thought that sleeping in her own bed at Hogwarts at least would afford her something that Cassandra's guest bedroom hadn't, but clearly her mind was not any more restful. If anything her nightmare's had increased simply by the fact that she had to sleep now that she was back in school. After waking her roommates up with her screaming, once breaking a silencing charm because of it, Lily had taken to spending long hours on the couch in the Gryffindor Common Room, staring at the fire and going in and out of restlessness.

Once, in mid-September, Lily was laying on the couch at two a.m. when James, Sirius, and Peter came strolling in, looking a little care-worn but pleased with themselves. Lily heard them pause when they saw her, and the she heard Sirius whisper, "Look-a-here Prongsy," and then muffled laughter followed by a choke as an elbow made it's way into his gut.

"Shh, she's trying to sleep," Lily heard James murmur. The three of them trooped off up the stairs as quietly as they could after that.

The next time it happened, James came over to check on her, but Lily pretended that she was asleep.

Then there were three weeks of no sign of the boys, and that was when Lily realized that during the nights she had seen them when they had gone to visit Remus as animagi. For an odd reason, that Lily couldn't place or wasn't ready to admit to herself, Lily waited with anticipation for a full moon.

Sure enough, the boys came in late that night, this time to see Lily reading a book. They seemed surprised, but each of them merely nodded their heads at her and then went upstairs. Lily felt strangely disappointed. She fell into a restless sleep and woke up the next morning, on the couch in the common room, crying, though she couldn't remember her dream.

She resolved to say something the next night, but she fell asleep, her arm dangling off of the couch.

She awoke, when she felt someone lifting her up into a sitting position. Her eyes flickered open and she found herself face to face with James.

"Oh, I must have fallen asleep," she murmured lamely.

James's eyes were concerned. "You should be in bed."

Lily shrugged.

"What are you doing down here Lily?"

"What do you mean?" she asked. She held up her book. "Reading. See." She pointed at the cover. It was her potions text and she was almost finished with it as it was her favorite subject.

"Lily, are you spying on us or something?"

"Spying on what?" Lily asked surprised.

James realized now that he still had his arm around her. He dropped it. In a low voice he murmured, "We just keep running into you here on the night of the full moon, and I was wondering why you seem to be down here whenever we get back from visiting Remus."

"I'm down here every night," Lily said matter-of-factly, feeling slightly peeved at all the questions.

"Every night? You can't possibly have that much homework."

"It's not so much the homework, I just can't sleep."

James turned sideways and looked at her. Really looked at her. Lily felt herself color slightly and she looked away. She felt a long finger touch her chin, turning her face to face with him. His eyes were searching hers. He traced the dark circle from lack of sleep under her left eye with his thumb, as if he were wiping away a tear.

"I hadn't realized. I should have."

Lily shrugged, though the movement was awkward with James cupping her face. "Why?"

James removed his hand. "I haven't been paying much attention to you at all," he mumbled.

"Huh?" Lily asked, surprised.

"Nevermind. It's Sirius's stupid fault anyway."

"Might I just say that I am confused," Lily told him, giving him a rueful smile.

He sighed. "It's not important. What is important is that you get some sleep." He stood up and stretched. Lily swallowed hard when she realized that his shirt was untucked and rode over his hips showing a strip of skin and a triangle of hair that fell from his belly button to the edge of his trousers.

He didn't notice her staring, or her blush, as he leaned over and picked her up.

"Hey!" Lily said, surprised. "Where are you taking me."

"You need to get some sleep. I'm taking you to bed."

"But you can't go up the girls' stairs remember."

"You can have my bed then." He mistook Lily's wide-eyed response as fear and he said, "No worries, I'll kip out on the floor. You can have it all to yourself."

"It's not that," Lily said. "I... I just can't sleep."

James frowned. "Well, if you're always on that hard as a rock couch I'm not surprised, you'd be amazed at what it does to your back—," he was interrupted by Lily's exasperated sigh.

"I can't let myself sleep."

James put her down and she flopped onto the couch. He looked angry. "Are you crazy? Why would you stop yourself from sleeping?"

"Don't yell at me," Lily told him.

"I will yell. It's unhealthy not to sleep. Your studies will suffer, your health will be ruined." He picked her up again, and towed her to the boys' stairs with purpose.

"Put me down," Lily yelled, and she punched his arm.

"Shh, don't wake the whole bloody tower."

"You don't understand--," Lily told him. She couldn't keep the pleading note out of her voice.

They were at a door. Jame put her on her feet. Lily swayed from exhaustion and James wrapped an arm around her. Lily realized that he was about a head taller than she was and she liked the way the seemed to fit together.

"Look Lily, you have to sleep, and if I have to stay up all night to make sure you do, I will."

"You don't know what it's like," Lily murmured.

"What what's like?" James was starting to sound annoyed.

"To have to watch people die every time you close your eyes. To hear them tortured or to watch as the life leaves their bodies. You have no idea what it's like to know you are going to eventually have to sleep, only to wake up screaming, covered in sweat, crying so hard you can't breath. You have no idea what it's like to watch your parents die and to know, without a doubt, that there isn't anything you can do about it." Lily had started to cry, silent and angry tears as she reamed James.

Suddenly his arms were wrapped around her, and she was crying into his shirt. She did the unthinkable and she accepted his comfort, holding onto him for dear life.

"Shh," James said in a soothing voice, "It's alright Lily. You're alright."

"I feel," Lily hiccoughed, "Like I'll never be alright again. Like.. like I'm broken and... and I can't do this anymore."

"You can Lily. But first you need to sleep."

Lily opened her mouth to protest, but James pressed a finger to her lips. "I'll be there every time you have a nightmare. I'll be right over the edge of the bed, and as soon as you start to make any untoward movements, I'll wake you. Okay?"

"Okay," Lily said in a small voice.

"You trust me?"

Lily nodded.

"Alright." And so they went into the dormitory, where already Peter had started to snore. Remus's bed was empty because of the full moon and Sirius, if Lily cared to guess, was probably with Cass.

James tucked her in, still fully dressed. Lily was already starting to drift into sleep. She thought that she felt James kiss her forehead and whisper "Sweet Dreams," before she was fully out, but she wasn't sure if that was a dream in and of itself.