An Audience of Dumb

Joan kept advancing to the Decepticon base at an alarming rate.

"Ah, Joan, we have to slow down or we're going to run in to that jeep!" Jazz yelled.

"Please, take evasive action. Please, take evasive action," the tank said.

"You take evasive action. Hey Soundwave, help me out, can't you talk to her?"

(I'm sorry. I'm not good at talking to beautiful women. I get sweaty.)

Rumble and Frenzy were hiding behind the Scorponok from the tank.

"Well old buddy, it looks like this is the end for us," Rumble said, "Since we're going to die anyway, there's only one thing left for us to do. Frenzy-"

"If you actually suggest what I think you're about to suggest, I'll just have to kill myself."

"Let's make a break for it!"

"In that case let's go on three. That's worked well for me in the past."

"Okay, you count."

"Fine, but don't look at me while I count, because, I get nervous."

Frenzy turned away from Rumble and began counting as Rumble quietly ran back to the base.

"One…Two…" Frenzy turned to see Rumble had already fled, "That son of a bitch-bot. He beat me at my own game."

"Curses!" Jazz said as the tank ran into the Scorponok, sending it and Frenzy flying as well as Soundwave.

Rumble ran inside the base where Megatron was with Starscream.

"Good golly Miss Molly, what is going on out there?" Megatron asked.

"Sir. The Autobots are attacking with their tank. They blew up the Scorponok. Again," Rumble reported.

"I wonder what jeeps ever did to those guys," Starscream said.

"Frenzy and I just barely had enough time to make it out of there. Right Frenzy? Uh, uh... Frenzy?"

"Why the hell did they pair me with you?" Optimus asked his mental self.

"I want to keep my eye on you! I don't trust gigantic turds to try and steal my best friend you rimjob!" Mental Optimus replied.

"Well... This is going to be a great trip..."

"Attention Decepticons! The great Bumblebee demands an audience with you! So listen up ya blowjobbing cocksuckers!" Mental Optimus yelled.

"Bumblebee? Oh no, he's come to kill us!" a cowardly Starscream said.

"Will someone please help me, I don't want to die," a white Frenzy cried.

"I love Bumblebee, and yet I'm still afraid of him," Rumble with a girl voice said.

"Ja, I ve having e evil accent," Megatron said with a German accent.

"He's so scary," Rumble squealed.

"Fear not Decepticons, I come here not to destroy. But instead to ask for your assistance on this day," Bumblebee announced.

"Okay whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I got to correct a couple things I'm hearing here," Optimus said and turned to Mental Optimus, "First of all you? You're not Bumblebee's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Optimus! Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream buddy!"

"Shove it, dicksniffer!"

"And Bumblebee? Come on dude, seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"First of all, that guy?" Optimus pointed to Mental Frenzy, "He's not white. He's gray. And since when is there a fem-bot on the Decepticons?"

"My favorite thing is pretty dresses," Rumble blurted out.

"Ja, don't ve a girly-man," Mental German Megatron said.

"And that is not an evil accent," yelled Optimus.

"Do you have any tampons?" Mental Rumble asked Mental Megatron.

"Seriously what is the matter with you people?"

"Calm down, Optimus," R-C suggested.

"Don't kill us mister sidekick," Mental Frenzy begged.

"Hey buttbrunch! I'm Bumblebee's sidekick, not him!" Mental Optimus corrected, "So shut your piehole!"

Mental Optimus was suddenly shot in the chest and fell to the lower level.

"Optimus, are you okay?" the real Optimus asked.

Mental Optimus stood up, "Oh please, that fudgefinger couldn't hit me. No wait, I'm going to die. Hergh! Blow me."

"There is he!" R-C exclaimed.

Galvatron was seen on the other side with a sniper rifle in hand.

"Muhahahaha!" he laughed evilly.

"Let's go get him." "Alright," Optimus agreed, "Come on Bumblebee, let's go."

"I am sorry, have we met?" Bumblebee asked.

"What? It's me, Optimus."

"I don't seem to have any memory of you. My name is Bumblebee. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Oh you got to be freaking kidding me. I just hope Jazz's doing a better job out there getting the Decepticons to turn off their radios."

Joan's front end was right up against the side of the Decepticon base with Jazz out.

"Primus Damnit. This isn't going very well at all," Jazz complained, "You okay Soundwave?"

(Soundwave the Heavy is impervious to injury.)

"What ever you big showoff. How about you Joan, you still online?"

"Affirmative," she answered.

"Okay. We should be close enough to hack in to their radio frequency. Soundwave, get inside Joan and do your business."

"What?"

(I'm getting very sweaty!)

"Oh my Primus. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base."

"Well this is a devil of a picadillo," Megatron told his men, "Starscream, get on the squawk box and tell command that"

"Decepticons, are you there?" Jazz interrupted.

"What in buttery goodness? Who is this!?"

"It's me Jazz, I'm one of the Autobots. Look I don't have time to explain, but I need all of you guys to shut off your radios right now."

"Boy, it'll be a cooooold day in hell before I take orders from you."

"Look it's really important, alright? Normally I would just shoot at you guys and steal your girlfriends, but today is different! I need you to trust me on this."

"Well I may have spoken too soon. That is an interesting and well thought out, not to mention clever and timely I might add proposition. Starscream, would you care to deliver our rebuttal?"

"Suck it Autobot!"

"Yeah, suck it Autobot!" Rumble added, "Now that's what I call an old school zinger. In your face Autobot dude, in your face!"

"Oh man," Jazz exhaled.

R-C and Optimus chased Galvatron through Bumblebee's motherboard.

"Muhahahaha!" Galvatron laughed evilly as he made a long jump down a bridge.

"Hurry up Optimus, he's getting away!" R-C yelled.

"You'll never catch me!"

"Come on, let's go!" said Optimus.

First R-C jumped down then Optimus and they continued the pursuit.

Back in the real world, Jazz was still busy with the Decepticons.

"Damnit. These guys are not backing down. Soundwave looks like we're going to have to go to Plan B."

Soundwave agreed as he climbed out the tank. At the same time, music began to play in on the radio.

(The first time I saw your treads and enormous chassis of steel) Soundwave sang to Joan.

"What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio now?" Megatron demanded.

(I knew that I had found someone)

"It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican sasquatch!"

"Turn it off! Turn it off!" Starscream begged, "Please Primus, make it stop!"

(To share a robot love so real)

"Oh man this rules! Rules!" Rumble smiled.

Inside Bumblebee's CPU, Galvatron made a wrong turn and ran into the guns of R-C and Optimus.

"Oh?"

"Alright Galvatron, this is it! From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's going to be me," Optimus said.

"Aw, that's sweet," R-C blushed.

"Shut up bitch-bot."

"Asshole."

"Never! The darkness will swallow you whole!" Galvatron declared.

"Forget Galvatron. You're just one big virus, and I got a whole pistol-full of Spyware."

"What?" R-C said in shock.

"I've got half a download to kill you…"

"That's ridiculous."

"And the other half is buffering."

"Oh, Optimus, that's just stupid."

"You're about to be an uninstalled…"

"Primus Optimus…"

"Program!"

"Now you're just embarrassing yourself."

"Syke!"

"That's it, I've had enough! Can't take any more! Everybody, switch, off, your radio!" Megatron ordered.

"But Megatron!" Rumble protested.

"That's an order, Private."

"Megatron pleeeeeeeease?"

"Don't try my patience, boy."

"Aw man!"

Jazz heard all the music go off and ran back to the tank.

"Ah, hoohoohoohoo, it worked! Hey, turn off your radio, quick!"

"Nice knowing you Galvatron," said R-C, "But payback's a bitch-bot, and so am I."

"Wait, R-C, we don't know if Jazz's had enough time," Optimus said.

"There's only one way to find out."

All three fired their guns until the place was filled with burning lasers. Optimus was the only remaining

"Huh. He just disappeared. I expected like, an echoing laugh, er... you know the smell of energon, at least. I don't smell any kind of stone. Do you think that's weird R-C? R-C? R-C, where'd you go?" Optimus was still stuck inside of Bumblebee's head, "How do I get out of here? What happened to Galvatron?"

Out at the canyon, a radio turned on.

"Come in Autobot command, do you read me? This is Medical Officer Ratchet. Is anyone there? …Do you read me?"