Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto there would be Byakuugan babies everywhere! So I guess it's not mine.
Hinata- 17/going on 18, 23 weeks pregnant
Neji- 19
Warnings: Language
"I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams."
-Jonas Salk
Chapter 13: Peladophobia
Neji treated her like a princess the whole day. He insisted that he would make breakfast (luckily sticking to some simple scrambled eggs that even he could prepare), and refused to let her help with the dishes. Then they spent the day out and about, stopping by the hospital from where Hinata was immediately shooed, both Ino and Sakura insisting that she enjoy her day, winking at Neji when her back was turned, stopping by the bookstore where they picked up a few previously recommended child rearing guides, eating lunch at Ichiraku's where they met up with Naruto and Sai. It was all really nice.
After lunch, Neji took her for a walk through the park, both of them chatting amicably, catching up after barely speaking for weeks. Hinata kept waiting for him to ask about the nightmares, what had caused them, how long they had been going on, anything. But it never came.
"Yo!" Kiba dropped down from a tree branch, landing lightly in front of the Hyuuga pair. "Smelled ya guys, so thought I'd say hey. What's up? How have you two been?"
Hinata smiled broadly and gave her teammate a quick hug, startling the Inuzuka a bit. Hinata had been very hands off lately. "Guess you're doin' pretty good then."
The girl blushed a little, but nodded all the same. "It's been a g-good day."
Neji's face stayed blank, but anyone who knew him could tell he was positively beaming.
"Yeah? Well, what're you up to now? Wanna hang out with me and Shino?"
Hinata stole a glance at her cousin who offered her a brief smile. "Whatever you want to do, Hinata."
Kiba's brain just about had a meltdown, and he had to bite his tongue to keep from saying something rude or stupid. When had Neji dropped the whole 'sama' thing? Even when Hinata wasn't around, he'd always insisted on using the added honorific, like he got some odd pleasure in reminding himself of his lower status that everyone knew he despised. The Inuzuka had personally always thought him a little masochistic for it.
"W-we'd love to, K-kiba-kun."
"Great!"
It was as they were walking across the village to the Aburame compound that Hinata spotted Tenten and Lee at a distance. Kiba, talking loudly about his last mission, didn't notice them, but Neji did. The shy girl watched her cousin eye the pair with veiled sadness before resolutely turning his gaze away and felt her heart sink. This really wasn't fair.
The rest of the day was uneventful but pleasant. They lounged around Kiba and Shino's home, mostly just talking, discussing a number of different things. When dinnertime rolled around, Hinata cooked for them all, a real treat for her teammates who usually had to fend (poorly) for themselves. The boys shared some sake, with Hinata stealing a small taste from Neji's glass ("Yes, niisan, I'm s-sure a few sips won't hurt the baby."), and it was around eight o'clock in the evening when the cousins finally made their way home, Neji's arm firmly around Hinata's shoulders, Kiba whispering, "Gambatte," into the older boy's ear as they left.
"W-w-would you like some t-tea, niisan?" she asked, stripping off her heavy coat.
"I think that would be a good idea. I'll put it on." He was in the kitchen before she could protest, beckoning her to take a seat at the table. He was acting the same as he had all day, but she saw the new stiffening in his shoulders, the slight wrinkle in his brow. The time had come, she knew. He wanted to talk about last night.
He held off until the kettle whistled sharply, and he had poured tea for the both of them, taking a seat next to her. They each took a sip, the silence growing rather heavy as both anticipated the conversation to come. Finally, knowing it couldn't be put off any longer, Neji opened with the blunt, "Hinata, why didn't you just tell me?" refusing to beat around the bush.
The Hyugga heiress' eyes slid shut. Why? That really wasn't something that could be answered so simply. For starters, there were a multitude of reasons why she hadn't told him, and most of those she still couldn't tell him. Because they were secrets she had to keep, secrets that protected her baby. Protected her daughter from shame, from ridicule, from doubting or hating or questioning her own existence. Secrets no one, not even Neji, would ever know. But there were other reasons too, more personal reasons why she didn't want to tell him. Of course, now that he knew anyway, there was no use in hiding it any longer. So she decided to go with one of those.
"Su... sumimasen, niisan. I-I just..." She lowered her head, ashamed of herself for what was about to come out of her mouth, but knowing it was the truth. "I didn't want you to know how w-w-weak I am." Not after you've finally come to truly respect me.
No. That wasn't right. Not after you've finally come to truly see me.
And while it had taken a back seat compared with her desires to protect her child, that thought had still stayed fresh in her mind. She didn't want Neji to stop acknowledging her. Him being angry with her, that was different, that she could handle. Because no matter how upset he got, she knew he still felt something for her. But to go back to the way he used to treat her, before this whole mess, before her pregnancy, when she was nothing to him... She knew she wouldn't be able to take that. It would probably break her.
Hard fingers caught her chin, forcing it up to receive a harsh glare. Neji was undoubtedly angry, maybe not quite seething, but close to it. Hinata tried to flinch away from his aggression, but his grip tightened painfully, making her wince. Fuck, she had really upset him. The last thing she had wanted was to incite his infamous temper.
"You didn't tell me... because you didn't want me to know you were weak?"
His tone was like ice and appropriately made her shiver. She couldn't meet his eyes, couldn't find her voice, but nodded jerkily all the same. She wasn't sure what he would do now, but it couldn't possibly be good.
"Hinata, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say."
That... wasn't exactly what she'd had in mind.
"Every shinobi, myself included, has nightmares, Hinata. You should know that. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you human." He gave her a little shake, making sure he had her full attention. "The reason yours have lingered for so long- and I know they have, you've looked a mess for quite some time now- is because you aren't dealing with it properly. You're bottling everything up, trying to ignore it and do everything alone, and all the stress and other emotions you're feeling have nowhere to go because you refuse to let them out. But they need to come out, so they emerge in your dreams, creating your nightmares." He released his bruising grip on her chin, fingertips stroking over the spot tenderly. "And if they haven't gone away on their own yet, they're not going to. You need to deal with this. The right way."
Hinata took a deep, shuddering breath. First of all, he had taken what she said out of context. She'd meant she didn't want him to know about the incident that had caused the nightmares to begin with because then he would think she was weak for letting it happen; but since it was actually better this way (less questions), she need not correct him. Second, he was right, of course, about the nightmares, but dealing with it the 'right' way... she couldn't do that and keep her secrets. "Niisan..."
Neji heard the pleading tone. "Hinata, you know you're supposed to report this sort of thing. Any forms of PTSD this bad are to be reported to-" (1)
"B-but that's only so I d-don't screw up on a mission!" she cut in frantically. "And I'm n-n-not going on any missions now. So there's no r-reason to rep-port it."
The older Hyuuga frowned. Was that really what she thought? "You honestly believe the only reason you're to report it is for the sake of missions?" He locked eyes with the girl, serious and a little perturbed. "How do you think Tsunade-sama, or Kurenai-san, or your father would react if you told them that? That you're suffering from PTSD, which is causing you to lose sleep, and in turn is causing your health to fail, while you're pregnant, but you haven't reported it as you've been trained to because you're not going on missions."
She nearly whimpered. "W-well..."
"Exactly. You know it isn't just about some worthless missions or even your teammates' safety on those missions. It's about your health and your safety, Hinata."
She felt like a scolded child and pressed her fingers together. "Gomenasai." She was afraid to report it, because the most common method for handling PTSD was some simple talk-therapy sessions. Many of the same shinobi who worked in the interrogation department, like Ibiki and the Yamanaka clan for instance, were masters at understanding the human psyche. They were some of the best psychologists you could find, and when they weren't torturing prisoners for information, they doubled as therapists for shinobi in need. She had never had to go see one of them herself, but both Shino and Kiba had on separate occasions and they'd shared their experiences with her. An image of a smiling Ibiki leaning across a desk and asking her to share her feelings flashed suddenly through her mind, making her shiver. She knew how good those shinobi were at what they did; and it would be nearly impossible to keep secrets from them.
"Look, I know you don't want to report it," Neji said with a sigh, catching her hands in his. "And for right now, since you aren't going on missions, I'm not going to make you. We'll try something else first."
She looked up, eyes wide and hopeful. "We will?"
A bigger sigh. "Yes, we will." How could he tell her no when she looked at him like that, seeming as innocent and believing as a child. And just as helpless as one. She needed him for this. "We're going to continue what we started last night. I'm going to sleep with you, and if you have a nightmare, I should be able to tell and immediately wake you. You just have to trust me."
This last part was especially necessary, but he knew how difficult it was going to be. He remembered all too clearly how she had struggled against him the night before. How not all of her fear of him had disappeared over the years. How she still kept secrets from him.
He forced himself to push the familiar, uneasy feelings to the back of his mind. It still hurt, he couldn't lie and say it didn't, but there were more important things than his own selfish wants. Hinata needed him right now. And he would never abandon her.
His loyalty was rewarded when lavender eyes blinked up at him, startled, and a soft, earnest voice was quick to assure, "I d-d-do trust you, niisan!" with all the passion it could muster. It was so sincere that Neji knew she was trying her best. He couldn't ask for more.
~To protect what's precious~
The boy flinched as she knelt next to him, but Hinata never once faltered. She knew how to handle sick children. "Shh, it's okay. Don't worry, I won't hurt you."
Scared, clouded gray eyes peeked up at her from a paper white face before a hoarse voice croaked softly, "Arigatou, neechan."
She smiled kindly and briefly pet his dark, matted hair before calling upon her medical training, moving to assess his condition. She had to figure out if he was injured or sick or both and then come up with the best way to treat him, out there in the middle of nowhere. If she could just make sure he was stable, she and her team could get him back to Konoha, where he could then be treated properly. Between the three of them and Akamaru, carrying him the distance would be no problem.
Palms glowing green, she held them over the too-thin body, letting her eyes fall closed to better concentrate... and froze in horror.
~To protect what's precious~
"Hinata, wake up... Come on, you can wake up... That's right..."
Hinata stared at the man leaning over her, his long hair falling around her like a curtain. Her body was still trembling lightly, the feeling of terror still keeping her immobile, but... that hadn't been that bad. Unpleasant undoubtedly, but not much worse than the nightmares she'd had as a child. Neji had woken her before it ever had a chance to reach its peak.
"A-arigatou, niisan. Sumima-"
"Don't you dare."
The apology died an early death on her lips.
"Much better." Fingers gently pushed some hair off her sweaty forehead, surreptitiously checking her temperature in the process. He wanted to be sure she hadn't managed to upset herself into a stress fever or adversely sent herself into cold shock. He was pleased to find her skin clammy but normal. "Would you like anything?"
"I-I... n-n-no. No, I'm- I'm f-fine. Th-thank you, niisan." She absolutely refused to meet his gaze, loathing her vulnerability. Especially when she felt that familiar burn at the back of her eyes.
"Right. Would you like to cry then?"
Breath escaped her in a harsh, sardonic laugh, realizing how stupid she was to think she could ever fool him. Why did she bother trying? He knew how pathetic she was.
Silver eyes studied her for a moment, calculating, before warm lips met her cheek. "I'm feeling rather thirsty, think I'll go make myself some tea now that I'm up. You'll be all right alone for a bit?"
A small nod.
"Good." He untangled himself from the blankets, pausing just in the doorway. "Remember what I said about bottling everything up." And he was gone.
Despite how much she felt like crap, Hinata couldn't stop the overly large smile that spread across her face of its own will. She wasn't by any means stupid, she knew what Neji was doing. Her cousin wanted her to cry, wanted her to let it out, and she knew in the far reaches of her mind that he was right. That bottling up all her negative emotions was taking its toll on her health and sanity. That the reason she was suffering so much now was because she hadn't just let it out in the beginning. But it was just so unlike her. She had spent the better part of her life listening to how she was weak, she needed to get stronger, she was a horrible Hyuuga. She may not have taught herself to hide her emotions behind a blank mask the way Neji did, but she had taught herself to lock any obvious weakness away. She had taught herself that crying on a regular basis was both pointless and pathetic. That you avoided doing so at all costs. To suddenly have to break that habit now...
The first hot tears made their slow trail down her face, forcing her breath to hitch just a little. If Neji, one of the strongest shinobi she knew, the perfect picture of the stoic Hyuuga, was telling her to cry, she would do it. She would allow herself with his permission. Because she now knew how well he knew her. The way he had given her her privacy. The way he had left her alone... but she wasn't alone. He would never really leave her alone.
When her sobs died down, the house was filled with a soft silence, neither eerie nor comfortable. Hinata had taken to hugging one of Neji's poor, defenseless pillows during her crying, and continued to retain that hold, tightening her grip, though not in a desperate or hysterical way. Much like the previous night, she now felt so much better, more relaxed, like she had been cleansed in some way. She hadn't cried for nearly as long either.
Her cousin's presence appeared behind her, and she felt the mattress sink as he sat, proffering something to her in the dark. Reaching out blindly towards the shape, she met cool, moist glass, and blinked in surprise. Sitting up and taking her new gift into her hands, she felt a giggle rise up when she realized what it was he had brought her.
He smirked. "I thought you might be hungry."
Blushing a deep crimson, she leaned forward and very shyly pressed her lips to his cheek, an imitation of what he'd done earlier. "Arigatou." She unscrewed the lid, a distinct, salty smell rising up to meet her. Small fingers reached inside, pulling out one oblong, brine-soaked vegetable, her tongue catching some drops of pungent liquid before it could fall from the end. There was a satisfying crunch when she bit a mouthful off, and she giggled again, thinking how this moment was oddly perfect when Neji gently rubbed her swollen belly.
Ten minutes later, lying back in bed again, this time curled up willingly against her cousin's hard chest, Hinata came to a decision. Neji was being so good to her. He did everything for her, had given up so much for her, while she gave him nothing in return. She wanted, no, she needed to give him something back, do something to repay his kindness. And she knew how to do it. He might not like it initially, but in the end, he'd be much happier for it.
With a soft sigh, she snuggled further into his sleeping form, taking in his warmth, wondering if this would be the last time he held her like this.
~To protect what's precious~
A nervous Hinata pressed her fingers together, going over the plan once more inside her head. She had quite literally rehearsed every line several hundred times over during the course of the day. She knew exactly what she needed to say, and exactly what she could not say under any circumstances. It was very important that she stick with the plan. Otherwise a.) they would know right away that she was lying and/or b.) it would end up revealing far too many secrets. But she was ready. Now it was just a matter of finding who she needed to talk with and get this whole thing over with.
Lady luck was on her side, just another sign that she was doing the right thing, when she found the couple she was looking for almost instantly. They were at Ichiraku's, eating dinner with a very familiar loud blond. Hinata bit her lip, knowing she had to hurry and just do it. She needed to get home and make dinner before Neji started to worry.
Okay, I can do this. It's for Neji. And with that thought strongly in her mind, she approached the pair, lavender eyes shining with determination. "T-tenten, Lee, m-may I speak with you for a m-m-moment?"
The two in question seemed beyond shocked by this proposition, while out of the corner of her eye, Hinata watched Naruto drop his chopsticks, mouth hanging open for all to see. Hell, even Teuchi and Ayame had stopped whatever they were doing behind the counter. The Hyuuga pressed her fingers harder, face growing hot.
"Hinata," Tenten said, surprise evident even in her voice. "Look, if this is about Lee picking a fight with Neji-"
"I was not picking a fight!" Lee interjected, sounding offended by the very idea. "I was challenging him to a youthful duel for-"
"Like I was saying," Tenten's voice overpowered the boy's, "that won't happen again. You don't have to worry, there won't be anymore... youthful duels in the future."
Hinata blinked, having almost completely forgotten about that whole thing. So much had happened in the short time since then. "Ah, n-n-no, that... th-that's not what I wanted to talk about."
"Oh." There was an awkward silence until the brunette finally said, "Would you like to go somewhere more... private then?"
"Ah, h-hai, that would be pref-ferable."
The other girl nodded and paid for her ramen, Lee doing the same, as both of them followed Hinata away from the stand. There was an unspoken agreement to ignore Naruto when he called after them, "Remember, you can't hit a pregnant lady!"
Tenten led them away a bit to a secluded alley, both older teens being considerate of Hinata's growing condition and keeping their pace slow. Once there, they watched the younger girl expectantly as she alternated between playing with the hem of her coat and pressing, twiddling, entwining her fingers.
"Ano... there's s-something I feel you should b-b-both know. Esp-pecially you, Tenten. It's ab-b-bout Neji-niisan. And the b-b-baby."
Tenten's eyebrows slowly rose, her genuine curiosity showing all too clearly. "Oh?"
"Hai." Deep breath. It's for Neji. "You see, th-things aren't quite what you think..."
1. PTSD- Stands for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder- "A psychological disorder affecting individuals who have experienced or witnessed profoundly traumatic events, such as torture, murder, rape, or wartime combat, characterized by recurrent flashbacks of the traumatic event, nightmares, irritability, anxiety, fatigue, forgetfulness, social withdrawal, and manifestations of autonomic arousal such as hyperalertness and exaggerated startle response." Soldiers suffer from this condition more than just about anyone, so to believe shinobi wouldn't in Naruto-world is ridiculous. Hence the procedures I took the liberty of making look common. Because they would have to have some kind of procedures set up, or they wouldn't have very many shinobi keeping their minds intact.
This chapter... was not my favorite. But the one coming next has some promise and I feel like I got my writing groove back. Not in this chapter, but in the next ones to come. Even though I'm probably the only one who sees a difference.
For the record, just in case you're worried, I never planned on repeating the whole Neij gets upset and bitchy and distant thing again. Hinata's just worried it will happen again if not something worse. Do it once, it's part of the plot. Do it twice, you're pushing it. Do it three times, you're a bad author, sorry. That's my motto.
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