Wednesday / December 20 / 2006
Santana comes in through the door from work. She'll be gone all day since it's officially winter break.
I've been over thinking this whole pregnancy thing. How will I cope with this child? How will I know the difference between him being hungry or in pain? I don't know. And I know Artie won't know either. Hell, he won't even be part of my life, ever. So, if I leave Santana, how will this baby be loved and cared for?
"You look pale." She tells me and analyzes my face thoroughly. "Stay here. I'll make you tea."
She rubs my back and goes into the kitchen. I look around the room to hold back my tears, then they avert to the window that makes the outside visible. The sky is pouring water and all I can hear is it pounding on the roof. My chest is getting tighter and heavier. I can nearly think and barely breathe. My eyes land on Santana, her back is facing me as she faces the sink. I sniff and do the unthinkable.
I run out as fast as my belly lets me.
It's raining, obviously. The air is ice cold and the sky is a dark violet-purple tint. Thunder roars and lightning strikes the cell phone tower a couple miles ahead of me.
"Brittany!" she calls for me and races for me. "Brittany, what are you doing?!"
I keep running, but she catches up to me. Her hair is drenched, as well as mine, and so are all her clothes.
"I can't do this, Santana." I confess with a sob and walk backwards slowly. "I don't know how to be a mom. I don't even know how to cook a can of soup, so how will I do this?"
She grabs me by my wrists and pulls me closer, but I keep backing away. "Calm down. Just breathe." she states and I do just that. "Look at me. I'm here and I'll always be here to help you."
I nod repeatedly as she embraces me in a hug. I hesitate for moments, but give in willingly. Her body is wet and cool, but I still manage to feel her warmth. We walk back home and she dries me up. She pays no attention to herself because she remains in her work uniform, soaked with water.
"Sam called when you were working." I say out of nowhere, shakily.
"Oh, cool. What'd he want?" she takes off her hat and let's her hair fall down her shoulders. Then I see her face grow worried and she waits for an answer.
"...He saw us." I reply quietly and her eye brows furrow in confusion.
"...Huh?"
"He saw us the night we kissed in the pool."
She stays frozen in position and crosses her arms, not knowing what else to do.
"He convinced my parents to take me back in, but they want me to marry after Ethan's born."
I hear her swallow hard and glance at the floor, then lock eyes with me. "Artie?"
I breathe out. "Yeah." I reply weakly and her face quickly forms a frown.
Slowly, she begins stepping closer. Sam's lecture is replaying in my head.
Being gay is a sin, Brittany. It's disgusting and I won't let her turn you into one of them.
She didn't do anything.
You weren't like that before you met her.
He doesn't know in what condition I was before I met her. My brain is ready to burst along with my heart. Our eyes meet. I feel them fill with tears. If she takes another step, I won't be able to control myself.
"It could be good for us, Santana. Both of us need space before someone gets hurt."
Her eyes begin to water and I feel a part of me shatter into pieces I can't put back together. "Well, it's too late for that." she says with the weakest tone I've ever heard. She blinks repeatedly and rubs her nose one time. I reach for her hand and try to pull her close to me, but she refuses.
"You can't do that, Brittany. You can't just pretend nothing happened and just leave. It doesn't work that way."
I sigh in frustration while she picks up a bunch of bags from the floor. She hands me one that says 'Babies R' Us', and one that says 'Kay Jewelers'. A tear streams down her cheek slowly, but then she wipes it quickly for me not to see. It didn't make a difference because my brain memorized her solemn face and I won't able to erase it. Her mumble lets me know that she's headed for her room while I stay in the living room. I put the bag aside and waddle to mine. It's ten o'clock and so many thoughts are running through my mind. From where I am, I can see gray clouds forming through the window on the opposite side. I feel my heart drop, then accelerate over and over again. Tonight, it feels like I won't get any sleep.
/
"Santana," I whisper, but she doesn't hear me. It's 12 midnight, a little too late for both of us. I nudge her shoulder and she finally responds. She jerks up from her bed and sends her pillows falling to the floor.
"What? What's going on? Is he coming already?"
I stay standing before her with my hands cupping my bump. "No," I begin in a whisper and swallow hard. "I can't sleep."
"Do you want me to make you tea?"
I shake my head. "Can you come sleep with me?"
"Y-yeah sure."
I lie down, then she lies down beside me. My back is facing her and she embraces me with one arm. Her breath tickles my neck and makes me forget about the world for a second, but then I remember what situation I'm in and my heart breaks into pieces.
"Don't leave, Brittany." she whispers and holds me tighter. I don't respond. My body stays motionless before her and my stare is glued to the wall. My heart feels too weak to beat; it makes everything so hard to do. I can't bare to look at her, but if I did, I'd see that she has a tear falling from her precious cheek bone. It was never my intention to lead her on, but how was I supposed to know we were falling for one another? I've never loved anyone before...