Chapter 14: Selfish

When I awaken, the spot next to me is empty. My alarm screeches a blaring sound, so I press the button that turns it off. I feel a smile forming on my face, recalling my memories from last night. I sit there, legs hanging off the bed, grin wide as can be. We're finally going to clarify things today, and I'm not even slightly nervous about it.

I stand up out of bed and stretch, then see the bathroom door is open and the light is off, so she's not in there. I figure she's getting breakfast or something, so I go to the kitchen. I wait to see her searching through the cabinets in her bare feet wearing my shirt, but I only see a dark, empty kitchen. I look around, but then I spot a note on the door. I chuckle, and then walk up to it. She probably went to go and get muffins.

The note stuck on the door looks long, though, which perplexes my tired mind. I rip the note off the door, scratching my head. I lean my back against the door and begin reading.

Tobias,

I was going to say goodbye last night. I really was. I had everything planned out. I spent all my time thinking about my plan while lying in that stupid hospital bed, but I froze last night, lying there with you. Everything just felt right, you know? When I woke up at 3 AM this morning in your arms, I didn't want to leave. I could've stayed there forever. Last night was probably the best I've ever felt, despite my wound.

I really do love you. So, so much, Tobias. And not in the way I've been telling you the past three years. I am so in love with you on a level that I cannot choose a word to explain. The reason I never told you is because I didn't think you felt the way I did. I don't know. I guess we were both pretty clueless, huh?

Enough of the intro, though.

I got a job offer at Interpol's Headquarters. Max told me about it before we left for Ponta Delgada. I've been considering. You know me. I'm the kind of girl that doesn't let a guy—or anyone for that matter—hold me back from my dreams. I'm still deciding if Interpol is my dream, or if this job, this life, with you, is my dream. Or maybe if you're my dream altogether. I don't know if a person can be a dream, but if so, I think you might be.

I just need time to figure things out. I can't be in the field for a month, and I refuse to sit at a desk.

Don't try to make Max tell you when my flight is today—it left at four in the morning. I will not tell you where I am, although you'll probably figure it out, being the brilliant man I fell in love with. I'll be back in five months, regardless of my choice to stay in the States or move to Lyon. Max authorized me to live in a U.S. sanctioned area in A—in the place I'll be living.

Don't try to contact me. I need this time for myself. Please understand. If you don't want me anymore when I come back, I'll get it. My heart may be broken, but I'll get it.

I really love you. More than you'll ever know.

Love,

Tris.

I slink down to the ground against the door. I pull my knees to my chest, then my chin on top of them. I can't cry. I used all the tears I had two days ago, and now I'm just… sad.

I knew something was up, but I chose to ignore it. God, I should have known. How did I not figure it out? I was so distracted.

My thoughts run askew. The next time I see her will be in five months, and even then, I may never see her again after that. If she chooses to go to France then I'm shit out of luck.

I try to be mad at Tris, but I can't. I completely understand her situation, but I just wish she'd said goodbye. She was right though—I would have tried to convince her to stay. I should have woken up when she left… damn my heavy sleeping.

I get up and drag myself to my bedroom to get ready for work. Miserably, I sulk every step of the way. My eyes travel to the clock, and it reads 7:55. I brush my teeth, and while doing so I realize that I'm late and that the clock reads five 'til eight. I read it, but didn't process it.

"What else could possibly go wrong this morning?" I mumble as I hurriedly walk out the door. When I step outside, I shake my head, unlock the car, and put the key in the ignition. At this point, I don't bother rushing to the office. My tardiness will likely not even be noticed. Even if it were, who would challenge me anyway? I'm scary as it is, but I probably look like an angry military sergeant today. Hell, I probably will for the next five months. And if Tris moves to France? The next… forever.

When I reach Langley, I park in the spot Tris does.

Did, I remind myself.

Inside the building are multiple little cafés, so I decide to order coffee. At this point, it's the only thing that could possibly wake me into the reality of Tris's disappearance.

"Decaf with two creams and a sugar, please," I order.

Tris likes three creams and three sugars.

I remind myself of three days ago in the hospital getting coffee, when I thought, again, of how Tris likes her coffee.

I take the elevator up three stories as I shake my head. As soon as I walk out of the elevator, all eyes are on me. The department certainly doesn't remain inconspicuous with their trail of eyes. Zeke, Chris, and Uriah all come rushing toward me, pulling me into Zeke's office, much like yesterday. This time, though, Christina shuts the blinds surrounding the glass windows people can see into.

"What did you do?" Christina question. "What could've possibly happened last night to make Tris disappear?"

I shake my head. "You don't understand."

"Really? I don't understand? Because Tris left this note"—Christina assertively shoves a note in Tris's handwriting in my face—"taped to the outside of my door, distinctly explaining that she was taking off for five months, disappearing entirely, and that she might go to Interpol," she incredulously comes out with. "The only person who could make her do something like that is you."

"Christina, the absolute last thing I need right now is your critical words trying to find reason as to why Tris left, okay?" I say loudly. Not loud enough to yell, but loud enough to sure as hell get my point across. I concede though, softening my voice. "My best friend—the woman I have completely given my heart to—just decided to get up and leave at three AM to some country or city starting with an A and leave me, telling me she loves me. Telling me that I could be her new dream. Telling me that at three in the morning that she almost couldn't leave my arms because she could just lie there forever. Tell me, in that note Tris wrote, did she profess her love for you?"

She looks down, saying nothing. I could stop here, but I won't. I have no limits today.

"Have you held her through the night? Have you sat by her side while she was in the hospital, life hanging in the balance? Have you, Christina, played Crash Bandicoot and eaten Domino's pizza until four in the morning with her?"

Christina shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to… to say that. I know you guys are close in a way that I will never understand. But I need her too, Four, all right?"

"So do we," Uriah interrupts, motioning between himself and his brother.

I nod. "Okay. I get it… But, guys… I held her last night thinking today would finally be the day that everything went right. That today would be the day I could finally be hers and she be mine. I was holding her five hours ago, and now I have no idea where she is. And I just… How… How could I let her slip away from me like this?"

"You also have to understand, Four," Zeke begins, "that this is her decision. You have to respect that. This is clearly what she wanted."

"Zeke," I state. "I am selfish. Alright? I'm selfish. Simple as that. I want Tris. I want to spend time with her. I just… I love her, and I can't stand the thought of never being with her again. Sorry that I'm so selfish."

Christina shakes her head. "You're not selfish. You just want her, and you've wanted her for years. It's okay, Four."

I look down, wanting to cry, but I don't allow myself. My depressingly morbid thoughts are interrupted by yet another depressingly morbid thought. "What's today's date?"

Christina furrows her eyebrows. "July 30th. Why?"

I laugh a wicked laugh.

They look at me with a perplexed visage, not understanding what I'd meant.

I shake my head. "We… We made plans a while ago while we were in Cape Town, to hang out on Christmas this year. We were going to watch classic Christmas movies and just hang out. I don't know. I guess I was just really looking forward to it, and now... well now I'm not. I get to spend it sitting in front of my fireplace sipping hot chocolate all by myself. Watching Christmas classics all by myself."

They, again, say nothing.

I close my eyes, and then rub my face with my hand. "Today's the 30th. Last day of the month. Paperwork day. I better get to it." I then rush out of the office and to my desk. I hide in my little cubicle that I rarely ever sit at. The only thing I have that makes it mine is the picture pinned up of Tris and me at our first mission in Cuba.

My hands reach for the bulletin board pin and I take the picture down, putting it facedown so I only see the white back.

I open my computer and grab a file from the cabinet below me. I work for a couple of minutes, but I'm unable to focus due to my lack of motivation. My eyes travel to the picture lying on my desk. Staring at it, I sigh.

I put the picture back up.