Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue

Yoru: Wow, this fic slipped right under my radar...but it's another non-canon! For carmeldansem234.

Kuronue: Very, very non-canon.

Yoru: Insanely non-canon. Here we go!

Fourteen: Hidan x Naruto - Language of Love

Hidan burst into the Akatsuki hideout, practically singing with joy.

"Kakuzu! Kakuzu! My pretty little tentacle-laden partner, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"

"Hidan, if you don't stop yelling, I'm going to kill you." Kakuzu came down the stairs, glaring at his overly happy and foulmouthed partner.

"You can't, but I digress. I, the great, Hidan, have found a fucking brilliant way to capture that Jashin-damned Kyuubi." Hidan held aloft his prize. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow.

"You plan to do what with that?"

"You'll see, my fucked-up partner, you'll see."

"I am not fucked up."

"If it helps you sleep at night to tell yourself that."

Hidan waited behind a conveniently placed bush for Naruto to appear. He heard his prey humming tunelessly not far off.

Jashin-sama, give me strength.

He tossed one end of his newest weapon outside the bush, keeping himself concealed.

"STRING!!" Naruto leaped on the end of the red string, pulled from Hidan's Akatsuki cloak. He batted at it, squealing in easy amusement.

Too easy. Hidan pulled gently on the string, bringing Naruto a bit closer as the boy continued to chase it. The Akatsuki laughed softly, pulling a little more and readying the chakra-enforced bag he had brought to trap the Kyuubi.

Naruto batted one more time, and then the bag flew over his head and all he saw was darkness.

Hidan laughed menacingly as he hefted the boy-in-a-bag over his shoulder.

"I got the fucking Kyuubi! Not even Itachi's as cool as me! Hell yes!"

"Let me go, you big jerk!" Naruto yelled, muffled by the bag.

"Ha, fuck no! I caught you, you're mine!"

"I said, let me go!" Naruto kicked and fought within the bag, but Hidan just started walking. He knew he wouldn't make the base before sundown, but he could just tie the prisoner up when he stopped for the night.

Later That Night

"Mmmf mgh mgbrgh!" Naruto shouted through his gag. Hidan had tied him securely and mockingly with chakra-enforced string.

"Mhm. I understand perfectly. You're hungry." Hidan laughed at his own stupid joke and started to prepare dinner.

He glanced over at Naruto to be attacked by big blue puppy eyes.

He stared for a minute, transfixed by the cuteness.

"Not even fucking fair," he muttered as he took out the gag. Naruto licked his lips.

"Good to know that works."

"I'm not untying you."

"Let me go, you bastard."

Hidan gave him a sharp rap to the back of the head, "You're too young for your mouth to be that fucking filthy."

"Oh yeah? Well you, my fugly friend, are a..."

Hidan sat, transfixed by the stream of words coming from his prisoner's mouth. A boy that young shouldn't even KNOW half of those yet...

As he listened to the veritable flood of inappropriate language, he started to feel a stirring in his nether regions. This boy could well be his soulmate...

"Is that a kunai in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" Naruto asked suddenly, his eyes wide.Hidan glanced down and blushed.

"I can't help it, dammit. You were speaking my preferred language of love and fucking."

Naruto's eyes bugged even wider, "Cursing?"

Hidan shrugged and busied himself with the cooking.

"Oh, no, you're not hiding behind the cooking pot. What kind of freak are you?"

"An immortal, easily annoyed freak who's abnout to shove this spoon up your ass if you don't fucking shut up."

"Uh-huh, that's totally not what you WANT to shove up my ass?"

There was a long, pregnant silence.

"Kid, are you fucking coming on to me?"

"Are you fucking liking it?"

Hidan blushed deep crimson.

"You do like it!"

"...Jashin-dammit."