A/N: Yes, yes, I'm still alive. I got a job at the beginning of the summer which has taken up my time and also given me crippling RSI (worse than I've ever had before). But I'm stubborn and have been writing this in short bursts in my lunch breaks (and frequent trips to hide in the toilets so I can avoid working) for the past few weeks. But anyway, I've quit my job now so hopefully I'll be able to devote more time to writing. Once my hands heal up.
It seemed like I was left there for hours, days even but in truth it was probably not that long. Really there was no way for me to know. There were no windows, no change in my surroundings that I could monitor to mark the passing of time. Only the steady drip drip drip of my blood as it ran down my back and trickled down onto the floor. Eventually the sound faded, the dripping slowed and stopped as the blood hardened into a rigid crust on my skin. Every part of me ached. I never thought that was physically possible. My arms were numb from being held in one position for so long. My wrist stung. My back burned. For some reason the wounds hadn't healed at the accelerated rate I'd become accustomed to. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to heal like a human. God damn, it was fucking uncomfortable! Was it always this bad? I mean, I knew that I'd never been inured quite like this before but it felt far worse than it ever had before. Maybe they'd put a spell on me to enhance my pain? I wouldn't put it passed them. Finn probably wouldn't be that vindictive but Klaus definitely would and I had no idea about anything when it came to Elijah these days.
The door to the building opened. Cold air flowed in, chilling me to the bone and making goose bumps rise across my skin within seconds. I lifted my head weakly, terrified by what could be coming at me. Maybe their punishments came in stages and they'd come back to give me more. Or something even worse perhaps? My breathing spiked at the idea and my body started to tremble as a chill spread deeper through my limbs. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how you looked at it), it was only Kol and, while that sight might have filled me with terror previously, this time it inspired hope. Weird. I would never have thought I'd associate positive feelings of any sort with Kol. Surprising how things worked out, wasn't it?
He came over to me and looked at me, eyes filled with sympathy. He reached up and unfastened my bindings. I almost cried out as the blood rushed back to my various limbs suddenly and painfully. My body was limp and the second the restraints were removed I slumped and nearly fell to the floor. Kol swiftly scooped me up in his arms and held me upright, being very careful not to irritate my sore back. I rested my head on his shoulder, waiting to regain feeling in my legs. He shifted me in his arms so that I was draped across them, bridal style, and lifted me up. He was careful, considerate in his touch and his expression showed one of both pain and guilt whenever I flinched as he accidentally touched my abused skin.
"Oh Elena..." he murmured, stroking my cheek almost tenderly. Almost. It couldn't be tender, Kol didn't seem like the tender type. "You are too good for us." I swallowed, my throat clenching painfully.
"Why..." I whispered, hoarse from crying. He looked at me frowning slightly. I wondered if it was because he was working out the true meaning of my question. There were so many 'whys' I had to ask. Why had he released me? Why was he being kind to me? Why? Why? Why?
"Don't talk. You're very weak. Let's get you out of here and cleaned up." He carried me out of the small outbuilding and headed across the lawn towards the main house. The sky was still dark so I knew I'd either been in there less than 12 hours or more than 24.
Kol let us in through the back door, lifting the latch silently. I wondered if I was supposed to have been released yet. I didn't want to get in any more trouble because I didn't follow their rules. I'd more than learnt my lesson about that. I opened my mouth to voice these concerns but Kol silenced me with a finger to my lips. That just raised my suspicions that I wasn't supposed to be free yet and that he was hiding the fact he'd released me. Another why to add to the list.
I bit my lip but remained docile in his arms, my head resting lightly against his chest. It was comforting in an odd way to be held against something warm after standing, half dressed, in the cold outbuilding for however long. I was comforted by the knowledge that at least this time I couldn't be blamed. I hadn't freed myself and there was no way I could plausibly lie and say I had. After all, I was hardly going to have broken free and forced myself into Kol's arms. Maybe he'd say I brainwashed him.
He paused outside the dining room door, cocked his head and listened. I heard the faint sound of glasses clinking and soft voices. Nice of them to have drinks and act like nothing had happened while I rotted in the shed. I was surprised that they weren't in bed though but then, I guessed they didn't need as much sleep and they'd probably needed extra time to unwind after their long search. As long as it helped to calm Klaus down and get him out of tree smashing mode, I was happy.
Satisfied that his siblings were all safely located (I presumed he could tell how many of them were in the room with his enhanced hearing) Kol moved swiftly to the stairs and went up. When we reached the landing, instead of heading towards my room, Kol went towards his. I stiffened in his grasp, remembering last time I'd been locked in there. He murmured something I didn't quite get and carried me inside. He set me down on his bed, pulling the covers up so they formed a nest around me, before his hands went to my bra fastenings. I jerked back, hissing as the sudden movement cause my wounds to come open once again and bleed afresh. So much for him being kind. This was just another trick to try and get in my pants! The manipulative evil bastard!
"Relax. I'm going to give you something to help with the pain and bruising. But I need to take your bra off to get to it, ok?" I nodded slowly and allowed myself to relax enough for him to undo my bra. He tossed it across the room and his hands went to my jeans. I caught his hands in my own, not wanting to irritate him by resisting forcefully in case we had a repeat of the kitchen incident.
"You're reasoning for wanting these off? The beating didn't go down that far." I asked softly, eyebrow raised.
"They're covered in dirt and blood Elena." His words left no doubt that he would force me if I refused. "I know you don't trust me but I am trying to help you, I swear." I sighed and stood up carefully. Kol made to stop me but I unfastened my jeans quickly, dropped them to the floor and sat back down again. He smiled and pulled something from his pocket.
"This will help with your back."
"You sure?" I eyed it suspiciously.
"Yes."
"What is it?"
"A special cream I got from a witch friend of mine." I raised my eyebrow. Friend? He had a friend? Who'd be friends with him? Also, how did he have a friend if he'd been locked in a box for so long? "It'll work, but only if you stop asking questions and let me apply it. Now please, lie on your stomach." I frowned, wary. "I said please!" I sighed softly and slowly moved onto my stomach, being careful as I did so. The sheets felt cool against my skin and I resisted the urge to shiver, knowing it would only cause me pain. He knelt beside me and began to softly apply something cold to my skin. I winced at the sharp sting as it came into contact with my tender flesh.
"Why isn't it healing?" I asked quietly. I didn't want to speak too loudly, afraid of drawing attention to myself.
"The building where they put you is enchanted to block the connection between us. So you won't heal and injuries won't affect anyone other than the person receiving them. They set it up when they punished me for… what I did to you." I twisted my head round to look at him. His eyes were dark, his head bowed and he had an expression that I didn't recognize. Regret? Maybe…
I looked away again, his odd expressions making me uncomfortable. He continued quietly applying the cream for a few moments. It smelt strange, sort of spicy. I wondered what was in it. But then again, since a witch had made it, it was probably better not to know.
"It's starting to heal now. You won't scar." He said quietly. I heard the sound of him putting the pot of whatever he was applying down on the side. Kol's hands continued to rub small circles on my back and, although I was still unnerved by the proximity between us as well as this change in behaviour, I could feel my muscles relaxing at his touch. He must have noticed my body's response because when he spoke I could hear the smile in his voice.
"That's much better now isn't it?" He seemed pleased by the idea that he'd taken care of me. God, this boy was so confusing. I never knew where things were going with him or what he was really after. For all I knew he was still playing some incredibly long twisted game. I nodded slightly in acknowledgement of his question, burying my face in the pillow. It smelt like cologne and the rich musky male scent I associated with Kol. "But... you're troubled?"
"How can you tell?"
"Your mind is a mess. What's up?" He removed his hands and nudged me slightly, prompting me to roll over. I didn't, keeping my face firmly buried in the pillow.
"You confuse me." I mumbled, unsure if he could even hear my extremely muffled words. Even vampire hearing had to have its limits, right?
"I've been known to be a confusing person. How so this time?" He really didn't know? I frowned and reluctantly sat up to face him, grimacing slightly as I did so, although this was more out of instinct than actual pain by this point.
"Well, since I've been here, you've acted like…. to put it bluntly, a complete and utter... asshat." Not the most eloquent of phrases but, you know, would do in a pinch.
"Oh how far language has come..." he muttered sarcastically, his eyes alight with amusement. I suppose for someone who'd technically been alive (albeit boxed up in storage) during the lives of great writers like Shakespeare and Chaucer, 'asshat' was probably a shameful use of the English language. Oh well, fuck it.
"You know what I mean. You've been bouncing between amusing yourself by making me uncomfortable and being downright sadistic for no apparent reason since I woke up on that damn dining room table. You've groped me, harassed me, tried to rape me and locked me in your bedroom! Then you let me go. Then you took me out of the shed and treated my back. It's almost like you actually… you know… care. What gives?"
"I... I didn't know how to act around you." Seriously? He was going to blame awkwardness around women on his rapist tendencies?
"Here's a hint for you. Not. Like. That." I told him dryly.
"Cut me some slack Elena. You being here is as difficult for us as it is for you." I raised an eyebrow. I'd never considered that possibility. I'd never even thought about looking at this situation from their side of things. "You... unsettle me. You unsettle all of us. None of us know how to act around you. You have to remember that we're not like other vampires. When we were human, everything was a fight for survival. We had to contend with disease, shortage of food, wild animals, werewolf neighbours… our father. We're warriors. And then we became vampires and everything got a whole lot worse. I was a teenager when I was turned. Klaus, Elijah, Finn, they were all adults, they didn't have to deal with the emotions I did. Rebekah was the only person who might have understood what I was going through but she didn't have to deal with it by herself. She had our brothers doting on her all the time, determined to make her life easier however they could. I didn't get that luxury. And eventually, I might have learned to cope with it and become a model vampire, restrained like Elijah or at least a controlled level of homicidal but I never got the chance to adjust because Klaus daggered us. Which means when I woke up, not only did I have to deal with the new era and technology and all of that, but I also had all the old feelings come back to me. So when we suddenly get stuck in a house with what is essentially meals on heels for us," he paused and looked at me. "No offense. But it is a difficult adjustment. And some of us are better at coping with it. And... some of us aren't." As much as I hated to, I could actually see where he was coming from. Rebellious teenager, harsh living conditions making every day a struggle just to stay alive, heightened emotions, endless cravings for blood. Bingo, one maladjusted, messed up original vampire with deep seated psychological issues and an attitude towards me that was borderline bipolar
"That doesn't excuse what you did." I said quickly, before I could allow myself to feel too sorry for him.
"I know it doesn't." He looked away and took my hand in his, examining my wrist for teeth marks. They were faded now and flakes of dried blood fell from my skin at his touch. He continued softly. "Nothing ever will, most likely. I get that. And when I let you go, it was as much my benefit as it was for yours. I was tired of being the outcast. The family shame. I didn't want to hurt you but I knew I would if I stuck around. I figured if you were out the way, I wouldn't be able to hurt you and my family would stop hating me for it. I mean, Rebekah obviously hates everyone so she doesn't count but the rest of them." He didn't meet my eye as he spoke. I made a mental note not to let that one go. I didn't buy that, not in the slightest. It was just an excuse. I would find out his real reason.
"I'm not supposed to be up here, am I?" I asked quietly, changing the subject. I'd been afraid of asking in case I angered him and made him lash out at me. He didn't seem angry at the moment though and he was acting like he was in a confessional mood so I decided to risk it. He didn't flare up or attack, just simply shook his head.
"No, you're not. My brothers are administering family punishment the same way that our father did. A beating and then you get left there until the next sundown. You still had a long time to go out there."
"So why'd you let me out then? I mean, your super great plan to distance yourself from me so you can maintain your control and be seen as a good little vampire by your family again doesn't really work if you've got me hidden in your bedroom, now does it?"
"Well for one thing, they would never have left Rebekah out there that long. I thought it was only fair to follow the example set forth by my siblings." I sensed that there was more behind his reasoning for releasing me.
"What was the rest of the reason?" I bit my lip lightly, watching him. He was silent for a long time before eventually speaking again.
"You didn't tell them it was me." His words disarmed me as they came completely out of nowhere and left me more confused than I'd been before. Was that his reason?
"Huh?" I frowned.
"When they asked who helped you to escape. You didn't tell them it was me. You could have. You had every reason to. In fact you probably should have. I mean, I would have understood if you had. They would have gone easy on you if you had told them; they weren't lying when they said they'd half your punishment. But you didn't say anything." His tone almost became accusing, as if he suspected me of playing some sort of trick on him by not telling them. Just like I'd thought he was trying to trick me by letting me go and by bringing me up here. Funny that; looked like we had more in common than I'd originally thought.
"Two wrongs don't make a right Kol and I don't take delight in watching people suffer, even people like you. Besides, you tried to help me. Even if it did get me into heaps more trouble, I wasn't going to punish you for that." I lied. He didn't need to know that I'd considered turning him. I was enjoying this truce between us, however uneasy it was, and I didn't want to put it in jeopardy. If he found out that I'd thought about it, then he wouldn't trust me and I'd never get him to open up about his true motives for things.
"I also tried to rape you." Thank you for reminding me of that Kol, because of course I had forgotten that completely insignificant and easily forgettable fact. I resisted rolling my eyes at him. But only just. At least he wasn't trying to absolve himself of guilt and act like there was no bad blood between the pair of us.
"I took your aid as an apology. It doesn't make it ok. Like you said, nothing will," No matter how long I lived, I would never forget that incident. It would haunt my dreams for all eternity. Maybe I should have been thankful about Kol harassing me in my sleep. At least it meant that I couldn't dream about what passed in the kitchen.
"I appreciate that," he cut in. I smiled slightly and continued.
"But this is a start and I'm taking a page out of the vampire guide. It's better not to dwell on the past." I assumed that would be in there somewhere, if there was a vampire handbook that is. I mean, I knew Stefan dwelled on the past A LOT but I figured most vampires wouldn't since they had so much of it.
"Wise words." He smiled. I glanced at him and started by how near he was. I hadn't realised but we'd both shifted closer to each other during our conversation. He was so close now. I could feel his warm breath tickling my neck. His hand was resting just beside my thigh, only just touching. We looked into each other's eyes and I could see the layers of emotion that he normally hide beneath his mask of callous humour. I realised that we weren't as different as I though. More than any of the others, he understood me. We would both be about the same age if he was human. We were both in situations we didn't like. We were both outcasts who didn't fit in with these people. Our… family.
"Kol... I..." My words died in my throat. I couldn't even remember what I was going to say. All I was aware of where his dark eyes and the slight hint of a boyish smile that played about his lips. He leant forward slowly, slow enough to allow me to pull away but I didn't. His lips brushed against mine, so lightly I wasn't even sure they had. His ghost of a kiss sent strange shivers down my spine and sparks through my veins. My mind was racing at the turn things had taken. Part of me screamed in protest, telling me to stop this and get out of here. He was a monster. A few kind acts didn't make up for that. Like we'd both agreed, nothing would make up for what he'd done. I should yell for help, run, fight, my resolution not to dwell be damned, safety was more important. But I didn't. I sat there, locked in place under his gaze.
He leant in again and kissed me, firmer this time and longer. It was a pleasant kiss, not pushing me into anything but at the same time, it seemed to say 'I know what I want and I will get it'. His lips were soft and warm, moulding themselves against mine. When he pulled back, he ran his eyes down my body and I suddenly became very aware of my state of undress. I wished that I'd refused to remove my clothes. My jeans at least so that I had something to cover myself with. In that second, under his hungry gaze, we stopped being people. In that one look we became predator and prey. I was scared. Especially given my previous altercations with Kol. But at the same time, I felt a strange pang of desire spark in me. I put it down to the dreams. Being forced to dream every night of Kol was bound to have some side effects.
"You are beautiful Elena," he whispered once he had finished looking me over. A hint of a blush sprung up in my cheeks. He smiled, a genuine smile, without any of his normal wolfish charm in it. It lit up every part of his face and filled his eyes with warmth. At that moment I saw a hint of the boy he used to be. A sweet mischievous boy at the start if his life who'd been turned into something dark and twisted. And it made my heart melt.
He began to kiss me, brief kisses that were both soft and insistent. He knew what he wanted and how to get it, his lips enticing me in. Gradually I felt myself begin to respond to him. His hands lightly ran down my sides, caressing my body with feathery touches. My hands, which had been clasped in my lap, unwound from one another and hesitantly rested on his chest. I could feel his heartbeat under my palm. It was beating faster than normal. He was excited? Nervous? Excitement I could understand but nervous? That was something…. I hadn't considered before.
He took my touch as a sign and quickly pulled back to tug off his sweater. He discarded it on the floor and resumed his soft kisses and caresses. I allowed my hands to wander his chest aimlessly. He gently lowered us both down on the bed so we were laid on our sides facing one another. For a minute we were both still, quietly observing one another. The air was warm and it felt strangely peaceful. I forgot about everything else, about the others drinking downstairs. There was nothing but me and him and this room.
His hand came up and swept some hair from my face. I smiled slightly and ran my foot against his denim clad legs. One of his hands ran down my side before coming to rest on my thigh. His other went to his jeans and began to tug at the button as he tried to free himself from the restrictive denim. I slipped my hands between us to help almost unconsciously. When he managed to undo the button, he kicked off his jeans and entwined our legs together. Our soft kisses continued, getting deeper and more lingering. He ran his fingers through my tresses, idly playing with a few strands. My fingers skimmed along his arms as he cradled me close to him.
I wasn't really aware of when he removed his pants but suddenly I felt him grind against me, bare skin against my own naked flesh. I gasped quietly against his lips and he cupped my cheek, brushing his thumb over my mouth. It might have been a gesture of tenderness but it felt like a warning not to make too much noise. My mind, which had been flickering wildly with a fire of incoherence, finally returned to its senses and reminded me of the vampire brothers downstairs (I presumed anyway) who would not be pleased if they found this going on above them.
I felt Kol's fingers probe gently between my thighs and my skin caught fire at his touch. He rubbed me softly for a moment through my underwear before slipping two fingers inside the fabric. His touch was gentle and enticing. He withdrew his hands and ran his hands up my thighs, pausing to play with the hem of my pants. He hooked his fingers around them and slowly inched them down my legs. He tossed them over his shoulder where they fell to the ground to join my bra. His fingers immediately returned to the apex between my thighs and he slowly slid a finger inside of me and then another, drawing soft noises of pleasure from my lips. I rocked my hips slowly, enjoying the sensations. How long had it been since Stefan and I...?
He curled his fingers gently, reaching the places that ignited intense desire and passion in the deepest recesses of my body. I let out a small cry, feeling the sensations building until I was on the verge of my climax. Kol pulled his hand away and wrapped one of my legs around his waist. I whimpered at the loss of his touch and pleaded with my eyes. He ground against me slowly before starting to pull away again. Just as I thought (feared? Hoped?) he might not continue, he entered me in one long slow thrust. I let out a low groan as he pushed deep into me, slow enough for me to feel every part of him before he stopped. He wrapped his arms tight around my waist to hold me in place, allowing him the deepest angle he could get, and proceeded to thrust steadily. Like everything else had been, it was slow but insistent and determined. I closed my eyes to block out my intrusive brain who was screaming inside my head that this was a bad idea, that this was wrong. I didn't want to think about this, not now. I just wanted to take a moment to let myself feel. I rocked my hips to meet his thrusts and lost myself to the sensations.
We embraced one another, holding on like each was a life boat in the stormiest of seas. Our whispered moans grew quicker and louder. I felt a tightening in my belly as my release neared. I opened my eyes and looked into Kol's. The dark orbs bored into mine as I climaxed. And as I did I felt a brief pang of regret as the boy I'd glimpsed briefly in those eyes had disappeared. I felt overwhelmed, like he was taking my pleasure and consuming it, taking it for himself and letting it fill him up until there was none left for me.
Kol's thrusts quickened and he gripped my thigh in an iron tight clasp, his fingers digging into my flesh hard enough to leave bruises, as he gave one deep final thrust before releasing with a deep moan of ecstasy.
Neither of us spoke, just lay there facing one another. I felt confused, conflicted by what had just happened. My body felt strangely numb, empty in a way, like I'd lost something important. Lost a part of myself that I didn't really understand but still needed. I looked away from his face, choosing to focus on his chest so that he wouldn't be able to see the turmoil in my eyes.
"Don't over think this Elena" Kol said softly. I looked up at him, startled. He chuckled softly. "Even if I couldn't see inside your mind, I'd be able to tell that you're tearing yourself apart over this. You wear your emotions on your sleeve. Don't stress, ok? It happened, you don't have to suddenly like me or forgive me for being an... asshat." His lip quirked in amusement. "Just put it down as an enjoyable experience, one that I would very much like to repeat at some point in the future. Can you do that?"
"I think so…" I murmured.
"Good. Now go to sleep." I frowned and opened my mouth to speak before deciding against it. He was right.
We both curled up under the blankets and Kol lazily ran his fingers up and down my arm as I began to drift off to sleep. Before I slipped into unconsciousness, I thought I heard him whisper "you really are too good for us Elena. I wish we were better. Because we will be the death of you." Then sleep claimed me and I heard no more.
When I woke I was alone. I looked around, disoriented. It took me a minute to realise that I wasn't in Kol's bed. I was in my own. There was a bitter taste in my mouth and my head felt strange. I got up and stumbled to the mirror. No marks. No scars from the whips or bruises from where Kol had grabbed me too hard. I sank to my knees, confusion washing over me. I no longer knew what was real anymore and what was just a twisted fantasy playing out inside my head. I wondered how much longer I could go on like this.