A/N: So sorry for the long wait! Summer has been busy and Bella had so much to cover in this journal entry. And maybe I'm subconsciously stalling a bit too, afraid of what's to come since we'll soon be veering off into uncharted territory.

I felt as though a piece of me was dying with each entry that I read. It seemed as though every sentence had been constructed for the sole purpose of tormenting me. As if Bella was a sculptor and I her clay—she was recreating me in her own image with a giant gaping hole in the center of my chest.

Logically, I knew that wasn't so. I knew that these entries were simply Bella's way of trying to cope with the extraordinary circumstances that she found herself in. I knew that she couldn't confide in anyone. This journal had been her only outlet. But that knowledge didn't change the way I felt.

I was beginning to wonder why the journal had arrived. Why was she sharing this with me? And why now?

Had Bella sent it to me with the intention of making me suffer? Was this her way of exacting revenge for the hurt that I had caused her?

Was it intended as a cry for help? Did she need me? Even now while I sat here feeling tormented and sorry for myself, was she anxiously awaiting my arrival? Was this a summons for me to save her from the latest disaster?

Or did she somehow come to understand what I had done and why? Did she finally realize that I had loved her all along and that I had only done what I thought was right? Was there even the slightest possibility that she could want to be with me even now, after all of this?

I desperately wanted to skip ahead, past the pain and angst. But then I was stricken with a thought... what if that's all there was, just pain and angst? What if she continued to spiral further down into despair and depression with each passing page?

I may have been the one to break her initially but Jake had now caused Bella a pain that was all his own doing. I believed that he was trying to protect her, trying to safeguard her. He may be doing it for the right reasons but he was going about it all wrong. I knew that I, of all people, was in no position to judge him, but two wrongs don't make a right. He was repeating my mistake. And I was concerned about the long-term effects for Bella.

She had trusted Jake and I and we had both ended things in a horrible, cruel fashion. How much could one girl take? Would she ever be able to put her trust in another man? Would she be able to take that leap of faith again?

I had despised Mike Newton and been enraged by his thoughts of Bella. But maybe he would have been the safer bet for her. At least his shortcomings were those of a human, teenage boy. He came by them honestly. He didn't have bad intentions, just raging hormones. Isn't that what most teenage girls expect to deal with? Wouldn't that have been normal?

But instead Bella had dealt with me and my secret. She had been stuck coping with my gifts and limitations. And now she was stuck on the outside of Jake's secret world. She deserved better than this.

Seeing how she kept trying with Jake, kept calling and then made a concerted effort to save him from the supposed La Push gang, I felt justified in my leaving. She was relentless in her loyalty. If I had ended our relationship but stayed in Forks, she wouldn't have given up on me or us.

Just look at how she had gone after Jake. Determined to save him from Sam and whatever was going on. She wasn't about to give up on him even though it seemed he had given up on her. She had no idea what Sam and those boys were up to but still she had no fear, she charged right ahead. She would do anything to save someone she cared about.

If I had stayed she would have demanded more explanations and I knew that given enough time and pressure I would have cracked. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing her everyday, being so close to her and yet trying to maintain an emotional distance. I would have broken down and gone back to her. And, at the time, I was certain that would have been a mistake. But now...

With the whole Laurent/Victoria fiasco I was regretting the clean break. Imagine if she could have contacted me or even Alice. If we had been aware of what was going on we could have intervened. Cleaned up our own mess. But I had left her without any lifeline.

I was suddenly struck with a thought.

Why didn't we know what was going on? Why didn't Alice see any of this?

When we left Forks I had been adamant that Alice should have no contact and should not look for Bella's future. I didn't think that it would be appropriate to interfere any further in Bella's life. But I knew my sister and I didn't honestly believe that she would listen. At first I kept a close eye on her, but as time went by I shut down. I paid little attention to anything going on around me. It would have been easy for her to check on Bella and get away with it. In fact, I had assumed that, at some point, she would do just that.

So why didn't she? She loved Bella. I was sure she would have wanted some personal reassurance that Bella was doing alright on her own. She didn't agree with my decision and she certainly doesn't like being told what to do. The fact that checking on Bella would have defied me, well, that would have made it all the more appealing to her.

I wasn't blaming Alice for any of this. I knew that I was responsible. But I was curious and perplexed. I would have to ask Alice about this when she returned.

In the meantime though, I ached knowing that Bella felt so alone and hopeless. I hated that she doubted whether we would have assisted her if we'd been aware of the situation. Even if all of my parting lies had been true, I still would have been ready and willing to save her from this fate.

I could only hope that she had escaped unscathed. That the wolves were strong enough and savvy enough to protect her. To take out Laurent and Victoria. And with these thoughts swirling through my head, I braced myself and turned the page.

Dear Edward – I don't even know where to begin. I've been sitting here staring at the blank page for awhile now. My thoughts are swimming, my head is spinning. The past 24 hours have been a roller coaster so you'll have to forgive me if I ramble and jump around a bit. I'm trying to work through it all.

First and foremost, I'm beginning to suspect that I may be the only human here in Forks. I've learned that in addition to vampires, I've been living among werewolves too. It's got me wondering, is every fictional monster real? Trolls, fairies, leprechauns, demons, witches, zombies, fairy god mothers, dragons? Does everyone but me possess super-human abilities?

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this, but I know now for certain that Jake is a werewolf. I saw it with my own two eyes. And yet, I'm having a hard time digesting this.

I don't know why. I accepted that you were a vampire with relatively little fanfare. Maybe it's because you were so obviously something more than human. It was clear to me that you were exceptional. So much so that I wondered how anyone could look at you and your family and not think something was amiss. But Jake was... just Jake. So I guess I'm struggling to process that Jake, a seemingly normal boy can transform himself into a giant wolf.

A wolf that can fight and kill vampires. According to him that's actually what he was made for. Destroying vampires. I'm not sure how to feel about that. On one hand, I'm glad. He told me that he and the pack killed Laurent. That means there's a chance that Victoria doesn't know that I'm alone and unprotected. I would have loved it if his demise had discouraged her, convinced her that she shouldn't bother with me, that she wouldn't succeed in getting to me. But it didn't. Jake told me that she's here now.

But I can't be completely at ease knowing that Jake and the others are here for the sole purpose of protecting humans by destroying vampires. I know that you're not here and that you aren't coming back, but it still irks me to know that the two of you are on different sides. How can I care so much for two people who are enemies?

This all started last night. Jake came to me at some ungodly hour. I woke to a scratchy sound outside my window and as I dragged myself out of sleep and into awareness I was sure that it was Victoria. That she had come for me at last. Of course, now I realize that's ridiculous. I'm not going to hear her coming, not going to have the benefit of a warning. But in my sleepy stupor, that's what I thought. Turns out it was Jake. He came swinging into my room like Tarzan. Said he was there to apologize, but I wasn't having any of it. He had been so awful to me. He broke my heart. I had fallen asleep crying over him.

He was trying to explain everything to me without really saying anything. It was so frustrating. I felt like he was playing a game or something, speaking to me in riddles. He told me that he needed for me to figure it out on my own. He told me that I already knew what was going on, that he had told me everything before. He started talking me through that first day that we had spoken on the beach in La Push. I knew the day he meant. It was one I will never forget. But the only thing that really stuck with me was the story he told me about the cold ones. That was the day that I knew for certain what you are.

Eventually he realized that I wasn't going to put two and two together without some sleep and he took off. He told me to think about it and to get in touch with him when I figured it out. In the end sleep was exactly what I needed. After he left I had the most vivid dream. I was in the forest down in La Push near First Beach. You were there, but so was Jake. And then right before my eyes, Jake morphed into a wolf. One of the wolves that I had seen that day in the meadow.

I woke up with a start this morning and it seemed so obvious that I couldn't believe that I hadn't seen it before. If the Quileute stories about vampires were true, didn't it stand to reason that the stories of the men transforming into wolves were also true?

At first I couldn't wait to get to Jake, to tell him that I had figured it out. But then I had a nasty dose of reality when I ran into Charlie. He told me that there was another missing person and that there were search parties out in the woods to try to take down the giant wolves. They've been finding wolf tracks near each of the sites and this last time there was some blood.

Last night, Jake insisted that if I didn't want to see him after I figured it out, that was ok, but he asked me to at least call him to let him know. As I spoke to Charlie it dawned on me—this was why he thought I might not want to see him again. He knew that I wouldn't be able to accept that they were killing people.

Why in the world, though, would they be killing people? Were their human tendencies totally absent when they were in their animal form? Were they unaware of what they were doing? Just acting on natural instinct? Did they need to feed? Did it have to be humans?

But if that were the case then why would they have gone after Laurent that day in the woods? Why wouldn't they have turned on me?

I couldn't make sense of it. But I realized that either way, I owed it to Jake to see him one last time and deal with this face to face. Maybe I could talk some sense into him and help him see that killing people wasn't the answer. He had been spewing such hateful things about you and your family yesterday afternoon. But wasn't that hypocritical? How could he judge all of you so harshly when you made the conscious choice to spare humans and live off of animal blood? How could he justify his feelings when he himself was attacking humans?

So I headed for Jake's, determined to have this hard conversation. And, right or wrong, I felt compelled to warn him about the search party. I may not approve of what he and the other wolves were doing, but I didn't see how more bloodshed would make it right either.

It was still really early when I got there and I didn't have the heart to wake Jake so I went to the beach to wait. I suppose that I should have been afraid. If he was a killer then meeting him alone on a deserted beach to tell him that I didn't approve of what he was doing was probably a risky thing. But this was Jake and I just couldn't bring myself to believe that he would hurt me.

Before I knew it, he was there. It was awkward and uncomfortable. We had this disjointed conversation during which each of us was misunderstanding the other. He thought that I couldn't accept him as a werewolf and I thought that he was upset because I couldn't look past the murder of innocent people. And in the midst of all of that, you were there with me again. Jake started getting really angry and he began shaking. You told me to calm him down. I didn't see the problem at the time, but I listened to you and, knowing what I know now, I'm so glad I did. Eventually he made it clear that he and his pack aren't the ones killing the hikers and campers. And I made it clear that I was ok with the whole wolf thing.

He told me that they had killed Laurent but now Victoria is here. They've been after her, but they've been a little too late each time—she's the one to blame for the missing people. They were operating under the assumption that Laurent was her mate and that she was coming at them as revenge. That's what happens according to their legends. Jake seemed excited that I was able to provide him with more information, that she is seeking revenge for her mate but that it wasn't Laurent. And I was able to tell him what she's really after... me.

I learned a lot about the werewolves today. They certainly have their own oddities. Like they change when they get too angry or upset—no full moons required. They can't disobey a direct order from their pack leader, which of course is Sam. They heal incredibly fast. And they can communicate with each other telepathically while in their wolf form. Jake thought that he was giving me too much information all at once, and I think he expected me flip out or something. I told him that some of it might take some getting used to, but the mind reading thing wasn't new. He was surprised to learn that, like their stories suggest, some vampires have extra powers.

Jake seemed excited to be able to talk to me about all of this and, to be honest, it was a relief for me too. It means that I'm not completely alone in this anymore. There's someone that I can talk to openly, honestly. Someone who understands at least a little of it. But there's a price. He made a joke about me being a spy since I've been "behind enemy lines." It made me feel like a traitor, like I was betraying you and your family. But what choice do I have? I want to live and the pack seems to be my best chance at survival. So shouldn't I share what I know? Isn't that the least that I can do when they're out there risking their lives to protect me and everyone else?

And besides, didn't you and your family betray me first?

I decided that I'm obligated to tell them what I know about vampires, but I still don't feel good about it. I wonder what you would say, what you would think. Would you be upset to find out that I confided some of your secrets with Jake? Probably. But that's just too bad.

So Jake called a meeting with the others. He thought that it was important that they hear what I had to say. As you can imagine, they weren't excited to see me. They were angry that Jake had found a way to tell me when Sam had specifically ordered him not to. And they were pissed that Jake was defending me when they started hurling insults because of my relationship with you. One thing led to another and suddenly Paul and Jake had transformed into wolves right in front of me and started fighting. I was afraid that one of them would wind up hurt—I didn't want it to be Jake, but at the same time I knew that injuring one of his pack wouldn't be good for Jake either. It was so brutal to watch.

Luckily they took off into the woods and Sam went after them, sending me with Embry and Jared to Emily's. I learned that Emily is Sam's fiancée. I also got quite a lesson in the dangers of young, volatile werewolves. Emily is a beautiful woman, but she's got these awful scars on her face. Apparently she was standing too close to Sam one time when he transformed into a wolf. The damage is so bad that her cover story is that she was mauled by a bear. I can't even imagine how difficult that must be for Sam—being responsible for hurting her that way. But apparently it hasn't damaged their relationship any. I've never seen two people more in love. It was actually painful to watch and I felt like an intruder, witnessing their devotion to one another.

I suppose that what happened to Emily should scare me if I'm going to get involved with the pack. But I know without a doubt that Jake would never hurt me. I'm not so sure about the others, but I know that Jake would do what he can to protect me if it came to that. But I don't have any plans to try to incite them either. And in the end, isn't that the lesser risk? I could avoid the pack, but that would leave me vulnerable to Victoria. Knowing what I do about vampires, I think I'll take my chances with the wolves.

In the end Sam left it up to me, though, which I really appreciated. Jake thought that I should try to spend as much time as possible on the reservation. That way Victoria would have a harder time finding me, the wolves would know where I was, and they would be able to focus their efforts accordingly. But Sam told me that it had to be my choice since they can't guarantee my safety. I liked having a say in what happens to me. It made me feel empowered or at least a little less helpless.

The truth is that I hate needing their help. I hate that I can't take care of myself. I hate that others are going to be risking their lives to protect me. I hate having to rely on them to keep me safe. Especially, when I'm pretty sure most of them don't think I'm worth it. I could see it in their eyes. If I chose the company of vampires then isn't this what I deserve? To be hunted and targeted and, eventually, taken out by one? The only thing keeping them in line is Sam and the fact that they have to obey him. Well, that and the fact that they're crazy enough to think that fighting vampires is fun.

I just can't stand the thought of Jake getting hurt... or worse. And even though the others don't like me much, I don't want to see them hurt either. I don't want anyone else getting mixed up in all of this. But short of handing myself over to Victoria, sacrificing myself, I don't see any way to prevent it.

Maybe it was presumptuous of me, but I've given the wolves the right to go where they please as they hunt Victoria down and try to protect me. They explained a little bit about the treaty and if I understood it correctly there are boundaries they aren't supposed to cross.

I guess that technically they were on "your" land when they killed Laurent. And they also said that the treaty was very specific about vampires not being allowed to bite a human. They weren't sure that Laurent wasn't associated with all of you and they thought there might be trouble because they didn't wait until he bit me. It makes me shudder just to think about the possibility that they might have waited. I assured them that I was glad that they didn't wait. Treaty be damned. You all are long gone and you aren't coming back.

So I'm going to do everything in my power to protect myself and if that means sharing your secrets with the wolves or changing the terms of your historic treaty, then so be it.

I want to live. I want to survive this. And for the first time since I ran into Laurent that day at the meadow... I actually believe that there's a chance that might happen.