Chapter 14: Remembering Me

(Sending out some happy birthday wishes to my friend and fellow packmate, SesshomaruFreak. :) I'll be having a drink in your honor tonight. Have a wonderful day! Love, Spunky)

The first thing that reached Renji's senses the next morning was the sounds of birds chirping and koi splashing in a nearby pond. Fresh mingled scents of flowers and grass sweetened the air. And even though his own powers had not yet returned, he felt the hauntingly familiar presence of his taichou's reiatsu radiating somewhere nearby.

It's all coming back now.

I've spent lots of nights at Kuchiki Manor, for one reason or another. Sometimes, Taichou and I were working on mission plans, sometimes there were events going on and he would invite me to stay over for that. Sometimes, I was there to hang out with Rukia, and sometimes it was because Ichigo was recovering there from some battle or another. Even this room he gave me is one that I've used before when I was here.

I feel bad because I know that he really wanted me to go to his room last night. He didn't come right out and say so. He just looked a little sad when I asked him if I should just sleep in the guest room I used before.

"If you wish."

I pretended not to be aware of the little tension in his voice. But yeah, I'm sure he knew what I was doing. Right now, at least, I think Byakuya taichou knows me better than I know myself.

Damn!

I want to be the person he remembers. For kami's sake, we have a kid together, so that means that he and I are going to be pretty much tied together. Not that I don't want to marry him, but how can I do that when I'm…I'm like this? I mean, my body is recovering. Now that As Nodt is really dead, I look more like myself. I have to train to make my body strong again, but at least I'm not completely unrecognizable.

But, when it comes to powers…I don't really have any. I was able to use some of Zabimaru's raw, uncontrolled power to help in the fight with As Nodt, but it was a stretch, and I still have to connect with Zabimaru and help him to heal. I haven't been able to make that connection for years, so it's not going to be easy.

God, why can't I just disappear until my powers are under control again?

He heard quiet footsteps in the doorway and looked up to see Kotetsu Isane, dressed in a taichou's coat and accompanied by Kuchiki Tetsuya.

"Good morning, Abarai fukutaichou," Tetsuya said, bowing in greeting, "Kotetsu Taichou and I are here to conduct an examination so that we can determine your current condition and healing needs."

"Oh, yeah sure, that's fine," Renji answered, relaxing against the pillows.

"I will begin by examining your spirit core," Isane explained, "I need to be sure that your reiatsu is flowing properly through it. Tetsuya will be testing your spirit centers, then we will ask you to do a few little exercises."

"Doesn't sound too painful," Renji said, trying to sound more cheerful than he felt, "Okay, let's do it."

Isane leaned over him and opened his yukata, making a bright red flush come onto his face as she examined an area just below his navel.

"Hey, do you mind covering me up a little?" the redhead complained.

"Sorry," Isane, said, shifting his yukata slightly to cover his exposed nether parts.

She studied his abdominal area for several minutes, while Tetsuya bent over him and ran little flickers of reiatsu through six places on his chest and midsection.

"Your spirit core has stabilized," Isane reported.

"Well, that's good at least," Renji sighed.

"There is a response from each of your spirit centers, so you are able to radiate reiatsu properly."

"This is encouraging," Isane concluded, "While there is serious damage, it's clear that it will heal, given time and proper care. Be sure you rest and eat a lot. You may begin to train physically too, but take things slowly."

"Slowly," Renji repeated, frowning, "right, no problem. I can do that."

"Byakuya-sama will be meeting with you daily to help you with the reconditioning of your body," Tetsuya assured him, "and Rukia, Ichigo and I will help too. You know you can depend on us."

"You have many other friends, too, who are wanting to see you, now that you are back," Isane added, "Everyone is so happy that you have come home. Give it a little time, and you will settle back in."

"Yeah, I'm…uh…I'm sure I will," Renji said uncertainly.

"You were gone for awhile," Isane reminded him, laying a hand on his, "Now, give yourself time to feel at home here again."

"Sure, I can do that."

But, I'm not really that sure.

Can I be the guy I was before?

I look like him and I remember now what he was like, but I don't feel like the person I remember. What do I have to do to get that person back?

Can I?

"Thank you, Kuchiki fukutaichou," he heard Isane say to Tetsuya, "I need to return to my division, but I will forward the results of Abarai fukutaichou's examination to Kyouraku Soutaichou and also to Kuchiki taichou. I'll also send them the results of your healer ability tests."

"Thank you, Kotetsu taichou."

"Kotetsu taichou," Renji whispered to himself.

Still sounds weird to hear that. She got promoted after I disappeared, so…I guess it makes sense.

"Renji-san," Tetsuya said, sitting down by the bed, "Is there anything that you need?"

"Uh…naw, I guess I'm fine," Renji said, sitting up a little higher and adjusting the pillows behind him, "Where's Kisho?"

Tetsuya smiled.

"He is still sleeping," he answered, "He wasn't injured badly, but the shock of everything seems to have overwhelmed him. Byakuya-sama has assigned an attendant to take care of him, and he is resting."

"Good. He's been through a lot," Renji said, swallowing hard.

"We all have," Tetsuya acknowledged, "I know you are also having to adjust. I hope that we've made things as comfortable as possible for you. There are a lot of people who want to see you, but Kotetsu fukutaichou suggested to my cousin that we should let you settle in first, then you can decide who you wish to visit with, and we will invite them to the manor."

"Oh, okay," Renji answered, "That's good. I mean, I want to see everyone, but…I still feel kinda like I don't know if all of this is real."

Tetsuya nodded and touched his hand in a gentle gesture that resonated in Renji's memory.

"Because of As Nodt's interference, the connections you feel to all of us who are your family and friends have been blocked from your memory and your senses for a long time. The emotions that you feel for all of us will return as those connections come back to life. You must just give yourself time. No one here is going to try to rush you."

"I appreciate that," Renji said, looking into Tetsuya's friendly blue eyes, "and, you know, the longer you're here, the more I remember about you being a really good friend."

"You see," Tetsuya said reassuringly, "it is coming back already. Just take your time and try not to become frustrated with yourself. If you feel distressed, you are welcome to talk to our house healer or you can talk to me."

Tetsuya turned his head to look at the open garden doors as Byakuya appeared there and looked into the room.

"Good morning, Tetsuya," he greeted his cousin, then he met Renji's eyes calmly, "Good morning, Renji."

"Good morning, Taichou."

Tetsuya gave Renji a warm smile and stood.

"I will be back later to check in with you. Enjoy your day, Abarai fukutaichou, and please send Akio to summon me if you need anything."

"Hey, you don't have to rush off…" Renji chuckled as Tetsuya exited the room.

He quieted again as Byakuya sat down beside the bed and looked at him silently.

"This is weird," Renji commented.

"How is that?" the noble asked, "Do you mean just being back here?"

"I mean everything. It's strange because now that I remember everything, I've got this jumble in my head, and that mess in there? It's my life. All of it. I remember growing up in the Rukongai with Rukia, and I remember making myself stronger, so that I could be a Gotei soldier. I remember training so that I could become an officer and challenge you to get Rukia back. I recall the Winter War with Aizen and the war with the quincies. Then, it's like my life took a big leap off the edges of reality, and I was back in the Rukongai, having my body sold to every sleazy creep that Madoka…or As Nodt could find. I remember being desperate to protect the one thing that mattered to me then. And now? I feel like I've been thrown back off that track my life took, and here's Kisho, you and me, and those two different lives are crashing together, and I just don't know what to do with all of that…especially if I'm not going to get my powers back."

"You will get your powers back," Byakuya promised.

"What makes you so sure?"

"Zabimaru's power is still alive," the noble answered, "You and I both felt that when you used that raw energy in the final battle with As Nodt. There is no mistaking that the ability is still alive in you."

"Look, you know that there are a lot of people with potential who never become shinigamis."

"But you already had," Byakuya argued, "No matter what happened to you, that is still true. You are still the same person you were before. Your life did go off track. All of ours did, because of As Nodt taking you away from us. But you already found the strength to connect with your power to end that monster, and you came home to the place and the people who have been waiting for you. Take as much time to settle back in as you need, and know that we are all here for you."

"I know you are," Renji said, feeling a shaft of guilt stab his insides, "I'm not saying I won't try. I just don't know how this is all supposed to work. I know the guy that everyone wants to see when they look at me, but I don't know if I can be that guy…you know?"

A powerful twinge resonated in the redhead's aching heart as Byakuya's hand reached out and touched his face tenderly.

"No matter what has happened to you, you are still Abarai Renji. That has never changed, even though you forgot yourself for awhile. You are more than the sword you carry, Renji. You are the sum total of everything that you have encountered and endured. You just need time to piece all of that together. In case it eluded you, I am having to do something similar."

"I know you have," Renji sighed, "but you never forgot who you were and lived some other life."

"No. I did let grief overwhelm me, and I turned to alcohol to numb everything. I did not act like the military and noble leader that I am, which is why I was also in the Rukongai, getting myself together, when you and I met again."

Byakuya went quiet for a moment studying Renji's face carefully before continuing.

"I am so happy that you have come home. I know that we have challenges, Renji, but I also hold out hope that you, Kisho and me can be a family. I don't know what form that family will take. I…don't want to put pressure on you, if that is not also your vision."

A helpless smile touched Renji's lips and he leaned over and put his arms around Byakuya, hugging him tightly, then pulling away slightly to meet him for a warm kiss.

"I wasn't saying that I don't wanna be with you and Kisho. You know I do," he chided the blushing noble, "I just don't know how ready I am for all of the noble stuff, the naming heirs and having to jump through hoops."

"There is no rush," Byakuya assured him, "The elders are very grateful to have their leader back, and to have an heir that is mine. They know you have been through hell and you need time to assimilate."

"And it doesn't matter to them at all that the one who gave birth to their next leader was a Rukongai prostitute last week?"

"You were not a Rukongai prostitute when we made Kisho," Byakuya reminded him, "We were in love, and that love created our son. Kisho is the rightful heir, and you are half the reason he exists."

"But what about what As Nodt turned me into? Do they really not care what people are gonna say…?"

"Renji, I don't know how well you remember our first battle with As Nodt, but he murdered hundreds of our own unit. He destroyed many, many lives, and the ones who survived the assault remember what a monster he was. Don't worry about how people will see you. Just try to see yourself in a better light. You keep trying to tell me that you were a Rukongai prostitute. Even if you were, you were always much more than that. You are the sum of everything that you have endured and overcome…and I am proud to love the man you are…all of him."

Renji hesitated for a moment, staring at the noble, then he grabbed him and hugged him crushingly, then began kissing him harder. Tears came to his eyes and leaked onto his face, but he ignored them and kept kissing that wonderful, soft mouth that said such wonderful things to him. Byakuya returned his kisses with equal fervor, holding him tightly. They carried on for several minutes, then forced themselves to pull away and breathe for a moment.

"Hey, have you had breakfast?" Renji asked.

"Not yet. I slept late this morning."

"You? Sleeping late? That's not like the Taichou I remember," he teased.

"Like you, I am recovering."

Byakuya raised his voice slightly.

"Torio?"

A black-haired man with friendly green eyes appeared in the doorway.

"Sir?"

"Will you please have food prepared for the two of us?"

"Of course, Byakuya-sama."

Renji patted the bed and smiled as Torio flash stepped away.

"Wanna join me? Or do you have to go to work or meetings or something?"

Byakuya shook his head.

"Like you, I have been given a reprieve to allow me to readjust. I have whatever time you wish to spend with me today."

"Aw, you shouldn't tell me that," Renji said, smirking, "I'll never let you outta this bed."

Byakuya made a little sound of amusement.

"I assure you, you will not get an argument from me."

"Oh, I won't?" Renji snickered, pushing him down on his back and attacking his smiling mouth hungrily.

We were never like this before. We only had that once when we made Kisho, then As Nodt took everything away.

But no…there was the time we spent in Inuzuri. We were broken and pretty confused. We didn't know who I really was, but we were just as drawn together as right now. I want to forget the bad stuff that happened in the Rukongai, while I was just Aki, the Rukongai whore, but there was a whole part of that when I met Byakuya again, that went from being confrontational to being really, really passionate.

We found ourselves there, and we really did fall even more in love…didn't we?

He felt the answer to that in Byakuya's deep, open-mouthed kisses, in the warm caresses and the way the noble's body curled around his.

Even if I never regain my powers, I do have this…Byakuya and our son. I'll start there, and I'll find a way to put myself back together.

We deserve at least that.

And we deserve more.

He couldn't yet hear Zabimaru's voice, but he felt the hot flicker of his zanpakutou spirit's approval and he felt himself smiling.

Yeah, this isn't over…not by a longshot!