Arnold: Did you hear something, Helga?
Helga: Oh I think Lila has just died, kiss me.
Arnold: Oh is that all?

*Lila and Brainy transport themselves to Pepper Land*
Lila: Whoa neat place! Looks like we're in Heaven...
Brainy: There-a-mind that! We've got a mission to uphold!
Lila: Right!
Carm: Look, it's Brainy!
Lila: *ahem*
Carm: and Li-i-il-a-a!!!!!!
Pop: Lila the B*tch from Hell!!!!
Lila: I'm so- ever so thankful, that you guys remember me!
Pixie: Damn right, you female DOG!!
Arana: You B*tch! Go back from the darkest dungeons where you came from!
Danie: Yeah!
Lila: I have no interest in you girls.
Carm: Yuck! I hope not!
Lila: As I was saying-
Brainy: We're here to transport where Helga and Arnold are!
Lila: Yeah, what he said!
*Lila heads to a door, which is where Tyra was kept... she doesn't know that it's the wrong door*
Lila: You can't stop us!
Pop: Ha! Yeah RIGHT!!!
*Lila and Brainy traps them all in a net*
Danie: You know what Lila! You're a B.I.T.C.H! A B*TCH!!
Arana: A real one!
Lila: Ha! Like that fazes me! You have no clue on how many girls and the boys and men I've used called me that!
All: UGH!!
Lila: Come on, Brainy! Let's go! *opens the door* AAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Tyra: *lunges at her and punches her in the nose. It bleeds!* Take that you BITCH!!!
Lila: Ugh! My NOSE!!!!!! My Ever So Perfect Face!!! It's RUINED!!!!
Mysterious person: You think that's bad! You've seen nothin' yet!
Lila: *holding her bleeding face* Who are you!?!
Mysterious person: My name's Rookee!! Please to make everybody's acquaintance... well, everybody except Li-i-ila-a-a!!
Tyra: YAY!! Another writer in DA CLUB!! *sees the guys in the net* Hey, Rookee! Could you give me a hand and help me release the others!
Rookee: Sure! *helps them get free*
Carm: Thanks, you guys!! Now *looks evil* Lets deal with these two!! *points to Lila and Brainy*

(Brainy and Lila, dressed in black skin tight body suits, run away as fast as they can, like the Gingerbread Man! thought Carmie's Control Center, they find a spare room, and hide to catch they're breath. They stay in there for several hours, until everyone has given up trying to find them. They sneak back into the main control room, and find Carmie sleeping at her desk. Lila raises a pipe to bash her over the head...)
Rookee- Noooooo!!!!!! (Does a judo chop to Lila's back, making her fall over) Take that you skanky hoe!
(Brainy runs, not being seen. Carmie woke up, sometime during the judo chop part...)
Carmie- Whoa! What was that all about!? (looking at Lila)
Rookee- I don't know, but she's up to something.
Carmie- you saved my life!
Rookee- Oh, well...it was nothing...
Carmie- I think I love you!!!
(gives Rookee a big hug)
Rookee- aw, shucks...
Carmie- Come, join the insanity, and live with the rest of us in the mighty Pepper Land!
Rookee- Do I get to ride a pony!!?
Carmie- *sighs* yes...you can ride a pony...
Rookee- YAY!
(Carm snaps her fingers, and sends Rookee to be with the other girls, who are still riding the ponies. Carm takes Lila, and locks her into a VERY small broom closet.)
Carmie- That should be nice and comfy!

(meanwhile!)
FOM- We're getting close...
Helga- You've been saying that for the last 45 minutes!! Just can it! we'll get there when we get there!
Arnold- (Rubbing Helga's back) How long have they been here?
FOM- Well, I'm not entirely sure...see like I said, I am only sixteen...they were here when I got here.
Arnold- And...how long ago was that?
FOM- Bout a week.
Helga- Sheesh...
Arnold- (Shushing Helga, by putting his had over her mouth. when she gives up, he rubs her face lightly) How did you find them?
FOM- they found me! I appeared not far from they're home, and they found me, and helped me out.
Arnold- Why did you move so far away?
FOM- They cook mushrooms.
Arnold- Yeah, so?
FOM- The smell makes me gag. I'll just be dropping you off!
Helga- How can you not like mushrooms?
FOM- How can you not like SPAM?
Arnold- Uh, spam?
FOM- yeah, I got 50 lbs of it in my trunk, you want some?
Helga- Thank you, I'll pass.

(They arrive at an even more impressive Tiki decorated home)

Arnold- Wow...
Helga- Well, they got good taste.
FOM- Okay, see yah!
(They get out of the car, and the Freaky Old Man drives off fast.)
Helga- Yeah, it does smell like sautéed mushrooms...
Arnold- mmm.
Helga- Well, do you want to knock, or should I?
Arnold- I....I don't know...
Helga- Arnold, are you okay?
Arnold- Oh...yeah, I'm great... (he starts walking away)
Helga- Arnold! What is it? Don't you want to see them?
Arnold- What does it matter? I haven't seen them in this long...I mean they probably won't even recognize me.
Helga- I doubt that...how many people have football shaped heads...? Okay, sorry.
Arnold- I just can't believe it.
Helga- What?
Arnold- All this time...all I had to do was ask Carm...and I would have been able to meet them ages ago...
Helga- Well, Carm didn't know...I mean, she didn't start watching the show until later...
Arnold- But when she found out, why did she just tell me?
Helga- I think it had to do with Arana.
Arnold- Why?
Helga- Because, Arana has been such a good person to Carm, that when they became friends, they decided to move to Pepper Land, have a big online family, and build Carmie's Control Center...it just took time Arnold, you can't blame her.
Arnold- Yeah, I guess you're right.
Helga- I always am!
Arnold- Okay, I'll go.
Helga- Come on, I'll be right here with you.
(They hold hands, and walk to the front door of the Tiki house. They knock at the same time, and a HUGE ASS FAT MAN answers the door)
HAFM- Oh hello kids! what can I do for you?
Arnold- Uh...ah, aklsjdieras?
Helga- Um, who the hell are you?
HAFM- I am Rudolfo, the house keeper!
Arnold- Oh! *sighs in relief*
Helga- We're looking for Arnold's parents...
HAFM- Arnold!? ARNOLD!? Oh my goodness! I never dreamed I would meet you! (shakes Arnold's hand so rough, he feels like it's gonna fall off) Please! Come in! I will fetch the master of the house immediately!
(they sit down on a nice Tiki couch. Helga holds Arnold's trembling hand as still as she can. She rubs his back with her spare arm)
Helga- It's okay Arnold, I'll talk for you if you need me to.
(He nods. A tall, blond, and tan man comes into the living room. His eyes light up when he sees Arnold and Helga on the couch.)
Man- Hi, what can I do for you?
Rudolfo- Sir, this is! This is...! (He faints)
Man- *Sighs* he really is a nice man, just a little emotional. (he sits in a chair directly across from them.)
Arnold- d...dad?
Man- What?
Arnold- Is that really you?
Helga- Sir, this is Arnold.
(The man doesn't speak, but grabs Arnold into the tightest hug.)
Man- Oh Arnold! Oh, my baby boy! I thought I'd never see you again! How did you find me!?
Arnold- Dad!!
Helga- (tear!) We had a lot of help.
Man- Oh, wait until you're mother gets home!
Arnold- (now pulling out of the hug, but still keeping they're arms locked) My...Mother?
Man- Yes. She works in Tiki Town....but when she sees you!
Arnold- Why...why did you never come back?
Man- Oh Arnold, we tried...when we realized we could walk for miles and miles, and never see the ends to this jungle, we decided to just live with the community here...we knew my mother and father would take good care of you, and raise you right. We never stopped hoping that we would see you again some day....I never thought it would really be!
Arnold- I'll never leave without you.
Helga- Carm can take us all out of the jungle!
Arnold- Yeah! and you could move back to the city with grandma, grandpa, and I! It will be great!
Man- Oh...are my parents still alive!?
Arnold- yes of course!
Man- Well you two look about, what 18, 19...they would have to be...
Helga- Actually we're nine.
Man- What?
Arnold- It's a long story. but we really are nine inside.
Man- Nine! Oh thank God! I thought I missed you're entire childhood! Say, who is this lovely young lasy with you?
Arnold- This...dad, this is the love of my life, Helga.
Man- (shaking her hand) It's nice to meet you Helga.
Helga- Likewise.
Man- You two look wonderful together, just like you're mother and I.
Arnold- I can't wait to meet her.
Man- Well, let's make some lunch, and she should be home in a couple of hours!
Arnold- Okay!

Lila- Let me out!!!! SOMEONE!! Please!!!
Voice- shhh!!! I'm coming in!
Lila- Brainy?
Brainy- Yeah, hang on...
Lila- Where ever are you?
Brainy- I'm in the air ducts. (breaks through a vent in the ceiling.) Come on!
(Lila takes Brainy's hands, and they crawl though to another empty room)
Brainy- Let's take off these body suits now.
Lila- Okay.
(They take off they're body suits, and nice fancy-shmancy clothes are underneath...unwrinkled, and undamaged in the slightest. Lila flicks her hair behind her, and they walk out. They sneak into the Teleport Room, and check the monitors.)
Brainy- Arnold and Helga are in the jungle...is that...Arnold's father?
Lila- Oh that's ever so sweet he got to meet his father!
Brainy- Okay, where do you want to transport you and him?
Lila- I think I want to teleport to him, and you take Helga away.
Brainy- okay.
(Helga and Lila switch places.)
Helga- What the- Brainy!!!!!!????
Brainy- My love,
Helga- Get away from me! can't you just leave me alone!?
Brainy- Okay. I will....but you have to come to dinner with me first.
Helga- no deal.
(he leans in to kiss her)
Helga- NO! Okay, fine! I'll go to your lame dinner! Just don't touch me!
Brainy- Fair enough.

Man- Why, hello, who are you?
Lila- I am ever so certain that I am Arnold's girlfriend.
Man- You don't look like Helga to me!
Lila- Oh, Helga's not really his girl, they just pretend sometimes.
Man- I see. Omelet?
Lila- Thank you ever so much!
(plops one on a plate, and sets it in front of Lila. She eats dainty and sweet. Arnold comes into the room)
Arnold- Lila!!? What are you doing here!

Arnold- Lila!? What are you doing here!?
Lila- Oh, Arnold, you're such a kidder!
Man- Arnold, she tells me she is you're girlfriend. That's my boy! Don't get tied up with one girl, until you find the right one!
Arnold- I did find the right one, and it's not HER!
Lila- But Arnold!
Arnold- No Lila! I've had enough!
Man- Okay, let's just settle down, and talk about this...
Lila- I agree.
Arnold- There's nothing to talk about!
Man- Arnold, please, sit down
Arnold- fine.
(Arnold sits. Lila plays footsie with him)
Arnold- Lila, knock it off!
Lila- What ever are you talking about, Arnold?
Arnold- I know you were touching me with you're foot. Stop it!
Man- Look...okay, Lila, why don't you tell me what's going on.
Lila- Okay. Well, I am ever so certain that Arnold appeared outside my house. He seemed a little out of it, but when I said hello, he told me he loved me. So I told him of my feelings, and we slept together.
Man- You what!? You...
Lila- We slept in the same bed...
Man- Oh! *sighs, and wipes his forehead*
Arnold- and when I woke up, and realized where I was, I was mad!
Man- Arnold, I'll let you talk next. Please, Lila, continue.
Lila- Well, when he woke up, he seemed different...I thought he didn't get enough sleep. Then Helga showed up, and heard him telling me that he loved me again
Arnold- No I didn't!
Lila- and Helga got mad and dumped him
Arnold- SHE DIDN'T DUMP ME!
Man- Okay, Arnold, tell me you're side of the story.
Arnold- *sighs* Okay. All I remember is talking to Helga, then the next minute, I was opening my eyes, and I was lying next the Lila. She told me she loved me, and I said that I loved Helga. She insisted that I said that I loved her, and when I said I didn't say that, she tricked me into saying that I loved her, and right when Helga was transported into the room! I told Helga I didn't say that, and she believed me! Because we're in love, and that's the way it goes! That's what REALLY happened!
Man- Did you trick Arnold into saying that?
Lila- I am ever so sure that I didn't. He said it on his own free will.
Man- Well I don't know Arnold...
Arnold- But dad! You're supposed to be on my side!
Man- Well you're story is a bit far fetched, son.
Arnold- I don't believe this!!!
Lila- (talking quietly to her intercom radio) Mission accomplished...
Brainy- Good work. I'll keep you posted...ten four.
Man- I'm just going to go get something....out of my room.
Arnold- Fine.
(Man leaves.)
Lila- (moving closer to Arnold) Arnold, why do you fight me?
Arnold- because you're always starting the fights!
Lila- Oh, you don't really think I meant for this to happen!
Arnold- Yes I do. You probably teamed up with some other psycho, and you're both trying to tear me and Helga apart...well it's not going to work.
Lila- Oh, but it has, Arnold.
(Lila sits straddling Arnold again)
Arnold- Lila, get off me now!
Lila- (Cupping her hands under his chin) Oh, Arnold. I can be every bit as charming as Helga.
Arnold- What? Helga's not charming!
Lila- Oh, well...I can be lacking all nice qualities, like she is
Arnold- Don't say that about her.
Lila- Out of the way geek-bait. Of course I hate you football head! Crimeny, you really are stupid.
Arnold- Lila...I'm warning you
(Lila starts to wiggle, trying to 'excite' Arnold....it doesn't work. He's so turned off by her, it actually makes him sick)
Arnold- Lila...
Lila- Oh Arnold! I need you! (She pulls his hair.)
Arnold- Ouch! Stop it!
Lila- I want to feel every part of you, Arnold! Take me now!
Arnold- the only place I'm taking you to is you're grave!
Lila- Yeah...Yeah, Oh, talk dirty to me!
Arnold- Stop moving so much!!! (He tries to contain her, but she's on a roll!)
Lila- Touch me Arnold!
Arnold- No!!!
Lila- (taking his hand, and trying to get him to touch her boob) Please Arnold, I need you!
Arnold- You need a good smack in the face! (Pulls his hand away)
(Arnold's Dad comes back into the kitchen, having already heard everything from behind the door. He grabs a butcher knife, and throws it at Lila's back. She falls to the ground)

Arnold- Nice shot!
Dad- Thanks! You're mother taught me that.
Lila- *gasping for air* Arnold...help me...
Arnold- You did this to yourself!
Lila- ....(pushes her intercom button) Brain...y...
Brainy- Lila? Are you okay!?
Lila- ...I'm...dying...
(Brainy transports Lila back to him)

Arnold- I'm glad that's over with!
Dad- Yeah. What a bitch!
Arnold- (Nods) now you know.
Dad- Now all I want to know is, what happened to Helga?
Arnold- You mean...she didn't run an errand for you...or..
Dad- No! She just disappeared! And Lila took her place!
Arnold- Oh no...Brainy...

Brainy- (kneeling down to the bloody Lila) Lila! Oh, God! What has he done to you?
Lila- ....he...his...dad...Knife...
Helga- (to herself) way to go Arnold's Dad!
Brainy- Hold on Lila, you'll be fine!
Helga- not with that wound.
Lila-...take....Helga....keep....her....forever....
Brainy- I will...
Helga- (Steps on the knife in Lila's back, making in stab her deeper) NO ONE OWNS ME, BUCKO!!!! (She steps away.) I just thought you should know that before you croak.
(Lila dies...very painfully!!)
All in Pepper Land- YAY!!!!
Brainy- Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! Oh, this is all my fault! I should have never sent her to that damn jungle! I'll get him, if it's the last thing I do!
Helga- Brainy....
Brainy- What!!!!?
Helga- Geez, chill out! I was just gonna say, You seem to care an awful lot about Lila...are you sure you didn't...love her?
Brainy- Love her...? No, I love you!
Helga- But...
Brainy- And I'm taking you to the jungle, and you're going to watch Arnold, and his murdering father die!
Helga- NOOOOO!!!!!
(She screams, and kicks, as Brainy takes her by the wrist, and teleports them to the jungle. a little monkey sits on Helga's head again)
Helga- Oh, not you again!
Monkey- oo oo ahh ahh!
Helga- (Whispering) Hey, can you help me?
Monkey- Ah ah ah ah ooooooooo....
Helga- Get some of you're big, and I'm talking BIG friends, to take out Brainy.
Monkey- oooooo! oo oo oo!
(Monkey jumps from Helga's head, and out into the jungle.)
Helga- (I hope that worked...)
Brainy- Let's go!

(Brainy drags Helga though the jungle, towards Arnold's parent's house. Suddenly there is a rustling in the bushes)
Brainy- What was that?
Helga- I didn't hear anything.
Brainy- Keep walking.
Helga- Keep pulling...asshole...
(the rustling is closer and louder. there is now a deep grumbling)
Brainy- What the-
(Suddenly Brainy is plowed over by huge apes, and baboons)
Brainy- Ahhh!!! Get you're hands off me you damn dirty ape!
Helga- Whoo!!! Go MONKEYS!!!
(little monkey returns to Helga's head, and she darts off to Arnold)

Helga- (Bursting though the front door. Out of breath) ARNOLD!!!!
Arnold- HELGA!
(He runs to her, and hugs her. She kisses him a million gazillion times all over his face.)
Arnold- Oh Helga! I thought you were caught by Brainy!
Helga- I was!
Arnold- How did you get away?
Helga- This little monkey dude had some connections that were very effective.
Arnold- Oh I'm so glad you're okay!
Helga- Me too! I saw Lila.
Arnold- Yeah, my dad got her!
Dad- (Bows) It's good to see you again Helga.
Helga- It's good to see you too...er...what IS you're name?
Dad- Miles.
Arnold- Oh hey, I didn't even think about that! Miles!
Helga- nice shot!
Miles- Thanks.

(Arnold and Helga don't let go of each other for a LOOOOONG time. They sit holding each other, walk around holding each other, talk holding each other, go to the bathroom with each other....What?! They're just SOOOO happy to see one another again!)

Pixie~ (grumbles) Someone help me out, I'm having writers block.
Carm~ Well, just think of a movie and incorporate it into the story.
Pixie~ But, we've already done them all.

Hmmmm ....

"So, um ... Dad ... why did you never contact me, or try to see me at all. Why did you just leave me with Granpa and Grandma?" Arnold voice was full of heartache.
Helga grasped his hand into her own. She knew this was a difficult topic for him.
Miles fidgeted in his chair, "Well, the truth is ... we couldn't."
"But, why?" Arnold asked.
"Because ... um ..." suddenly an orchestra began to play in the back ground and Miles stood from his chair, "It's a little bit funny, Arnold, this feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide. I don't have much money, but boy if I did. I'd buy a big house where we both could live."
Arnold and Helga both stared at Miles blankly.
"Arnold, why is your father singing an Elton John song?"
"Beats me ... I'm just as confused as you are." Arnold replied.
Miles continued, "My gift is my song ... and this one's for you. And you can tell everybody ... this is your song. It may be quit simple, but that it's done. I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't mind that I put down in words. How wonderful life is that you're in the world."
The orchestra stopped playing and Miles sat back down sighing.
"It's a curse Arnold. A damn curse that a gypsy girl, put on your mother in me. Every time we talk a song will eventually be worked into the conversation."

Helga- Well, I suppose there could be worse things right?
Miles- (winks at Helga)
Carm- (disembodied voice) Arnold? Helga?
Arnold- Carm?
Carm- Yeah, look, I'm sorry about the crazy transport problem. I hope it didn't cause too much chaos.
Helga- Noooo...of course not! Everything was just fine and peachy!
Carm- ...Shut up Helga. Listen I have to send you back home...
Arnold- Home!? Why?!
Helga- Yeah, can't we stay here?
Carm- I'm afraid not. You're grandfather needs you. I promise you will see you're father again.
Arnold- Well...can I at least say goodbye?
Carm- Yes. I'll wait.
Helga- Thanks...
Miles- Well, go on and save the future, Arnold.
Arnold- I feel terrible leaving already! I hardly got to know you at all!
Helga- Except that you make omelets, and sing Elton Joel music.
Miles- Elton John...
Helga- Elton John, Billy Joel...what's the difference?
Miles- (Rolls his eyes)
Arnold- I'll miss you, dad.
Miles- Oh, I'll miss you too Arnold, but don't worry! We'll see each other again! It's already promised! and next time you'll get to see you're mother too. She'll be just thrilled.
Arnold- Okay. I'll be back soon!
Miles- Okay, take care! Oh, and bring Helga with you too, next time!
Helga- Thanks!
Miles- (Winks)
(Arnold and Helga disappear. and are now in Pepper Land)

Carm- Welcome.
Helga- Where are we?
Pop- (chewing gum loudly) Pepper Land!
Arnold- Oh, no! Not here again!
Helga- You've been here?
Arnold- Er..
Carm- Yes, well...once we had a little, meeting, but we didn't keep him long.
Helga- I see. So what are we doing here now?
Pixie- HORSIES!!!! Oh...sorry...Hey, It's Arnold and Helga!
Danie- Yay!
Rookee- Hey, will you sign my magazine?
Helga- (pushing Rookee) Shove off toots!
Rookee- Helga snapped at me and pushed me! I'll never wash this arm again! (Passes out)
Tyra- One down, a lot more to go!
Carm- Okay, I just wanted to have you here, so we could gawk at you for a little while.
Arnold- Oh...No...ice cream, right?
Arana- Not yet.
Carm- (elbowing Arana) Heh heh, no, of course not!
Arana- Ow! bitch!
Carm- You wanna take this outside?
Arana- Bring it!
Arnold- Um, can you take us to where we should be first?
Carm- Oh, yeah...Pop, will you do the honors please?
Pop- Oooo!!! Yes yes yes!
(Pop raises her hands, and Arnold and Helga flash to Sunset Arms)

Ernie- NO KOKOSHKA! I'M NOT LENDING YOU ANYMORE MONEY! NOW SCRAM!
Arnold- *Sighs* Yup, I'm home!
Helga- Crimeny, do they ever quit?
Arnold- Nope
Helga- Wanna move away with me?
Arnold- Sure.
(They go inside. Grandma is handing from the ceiling light in the kitchen. Grandpa has a broom in his hand)
Grandpa- Come on down Pookie, There's no water.
Grandma- The tide's coming out! Monsoon! Flood! Get to higher ground!
Arnold- Hi Grandpa.
Grandpa- Shortman! Hey, you always know how to solve things, here, take this broom, and bat Grandma down, and I'll catch her!
Arnold- Grandpa!
Helga- Sheesh, you'd think she was a Piñata!
Arnold- Grandma, it's okay, you can come down.
Grandma- Oh, Arnold! you're home! I'm so glad.
(Grandma comes down.)
Grandma- Well, time for dinner!
Grandpa- How you do it, Shortman, will always amaze me.
Arnold- Well, actually, I'm not hungry. I'd like to just go upstairs and sleep.
Grandpa- Oh, well you're room isn't available anymore.
Arnold- What? Whaddea mean?
Grandpa- Well, you were gone for so long, I had to make some extra cash. So I got another boarder.
Arnold- Great...
Helga- It's okay Arnold, you can come sleep at my house.
Arnold- Okay, Grandpa, Grandma, I'll be back tomorrow.
Grandpa- Alright, see you Arnold. Be careful crossing the streets!

(they leave and go to Helga's house. Bob is on the couch watching Soap TV, and Miriam is sleeping behind the couch.)
Helga- Hey Bob, hey Miriam
Bob- Where have you been missy?
Helga- Out. I'm going to bed, don't bother me.
Bob- Yeah, whatever.
Miriam- Did someone say my name?
Bob- No Miriam, go back to bed.
Miriam- Oh, okay B.

(Arnold follows Helga into her pink room. He was reminded of when he first stumbled upon her closet Rat repeller, and her pink poetry book)
Arnold- You suppose you're rat repeller is still in the closet?
Helga- (blushing) I doubt it.
(Helga changes into a nightgown and lies down.)
Arnold- This is where it all started...
Helga- What?
Arnold- This whole fanfic! It started when I brought over you're homework from school!
Helga- Oh yeah!
Arnold- Wow, a lot happens in a few days
Helga- Tell me about it.
(Arnold goes to her bed, and lies next to her. He kisses her, and they make not mad monkey sex, but nice hot sweet love...right in the middle...)
*knock knock knock!*
Bob- Helga! You in there!?
Helga- Ack! Go away dad!
Bob- Go away!? I need the universal remote!
Helga- I'll give it to you tomorrow!
Bob- NO WAY! My commercial comes on in five minutes!
Helga- Then I'll give it to you in five minutes! GO AWAY!
Bob- I want it now!
(Bob barges in the door, and sees all...)