Fiore: I still can't find that ditch…
Chrono: It's better this way.
Fiore: You CAN'T be serious.
Chrono: Oh, but I can. Besides, what's the worst that can happen?
Ed: (fires shotgun into air to get attention of other characters) Listen up! I'm taking over this story! Because without your precious authoress, you all are weak and defenseless!
Fiore: I'd say that's the worst that can happen.
Chrono: I can think of worse. (Ed turns to Chrono and shoots him) AAHHHH! (Screams in agony with bloody mess everywhere then calmly turns to Fiore) Like that was pretty bad.
Fiore: But you're not dead.
Ed: Don't worry, he will be in due time. (begins to shoot Chrono over and over)
Fiore: Hmm…Due time sounds like it'll take awhile. Shall we get on with the chapter until due time comes?
Ed: Yes, I shall.
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In the Life of ... an Alchemist!
Chapter 13: Ed's chappie!
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"Y'mean like my arm falling off?" asked Ed, smiling mischievously and holding up said appendage in his left hand. Rosette immediately fainted again.
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(8 hours early…)
X
Beep! Beep! Beep!
"Ugh…stupid alarm clock…" mumbled Ed, turning over in his bed and pulling his blanket further over his head. He quickly fell back asleep by the lullaby of the noisy clock.
"Brother!" called Alphonse several minutes later. "Wake up, wake up!" he shouted, jumping onto Ed's bed and shaking him roughly.
"Go away, Al!" groaned Edward, turning over onto his stomach. "It's too early for playtime…"
Alphonse blew out his cheeks and huffed at his brother. "Quite treating me like a little kid!" Edward gave a loud snore as his response. Al balled his fists and bowed his head. "If you're not up by the count of three, I'll call you-know-who and remind her that you're over due for a tune-up. O—" Before Al could even count to one, Edward threw away his blankets and shot out of bed. As Al listened to his brother scurrying around in the bathroom, he smiled wickedly to himself. "Works every time…" he muttered proudly.
" AL!" screamed Ed from the kitchen. "It's YOUR turn to make breakfast!"
"Yeah, yeah…" he mumbled, slowly making his way to his brother. As Al shuffled through the living room, he saw Ed poking a large lumped figure on the couch.
"Hey Mustang," whispered Ed, still poking the sleeping figure. "You bought OJ yesterday like I asked, right?" The figure snorted, pretending to still be asleep. Ed clenched his right fist and smacked the figure on the head.
"Owe!" it cried, sitting up quickly. "Edward! How many times have I told you not to do that?"
"How many times have I told you to not sleep in?"
"And how many times have I had to wake the both of you up?" asked Al, standing at the stove, frying some eggs.
"He's got you there." said the man on the couch. He had jet black, was in his mid-thirties, had an immature obsession with mini-skirts, and just happened to be the Elric brother's uncle; Roy Mustang.
Edward hit him again and sighed. "Just get dressed, okay?" he asked, standing up and going over to help Al with breakfast. Ed couldn't stay mad at his uncle for oversleeping, because the reason he over slept was because he slept on the couch, and he slept on the couch because it was only a two bedroom apartment, and one of the few unselfish things he'd done in his entire life was let the boys have the bedrooms, thus forcing him to sleep on the couch. "Hey Al, need help?"
Al shook his head. "Not really, but you could pour the drinks if you want." Ed nodded and walked over to the fridge. He opened the door and went dead silent. Al looked over at him. "Brother," he asked, "what's wrong?" Ed twitched and Al barely had enough time to dodge the oncoming milk bottle that his brother had thrown.
"WHAT THE HELL?" screamed Ed as the bottle hit Roy square in the head. "I told you to stop getting that crap!"
"But…you're the only one that doesn't drink it, I mean, me and uncle do so—"
"I don't care!" snapped Ed, whipping around to face Al. "It's nasty! Why should I even be forced to look at it?"
"Well, you could just not get into the fridge," came a voice from outside the front door. All three boys turned and stared at it. "Oh, right," there was a knock on the door and it opened, revealing a man with black hair and glasses, poking his head into the apartment. "You know, you really should lock the door." He said with a bright smiley face as he invited himself in.
Ed groaned, turning away from the man. "What do you want, Hughes?"
The man gasped. "Edward, how could you? Shunning a helpless man this early in the morning? Especially when he has a brand-new picture of his adorable little girl?" He held up his wallet and let it drop open, unfolding to about a dozen pictures of his daughter. "Isn't my little Elysia just the cutest little thing you've ever seen?"
Ed snatched up a biscuit from the table and hurled it at the man. A hand reached out from behind Hughes's head and caught the biscuit. "Talk about your daughter later, Maes," said the owner of the hand, "We came here for the Colonel, remember?" The women glanced around the room. "Where did he run off to now?"
"Hold your horses, I'm coming!" shouted Mustang from the bathroom.
"A man without pants is a man without dignity." stated Hughes, putting away his wallet.
"That's why I was getting dressed," said Mustang, coming back out into the living room. He looked over at the boys. "Shouldn't you two be heading to school by now?"
"I know," said Al, "I'm going now." Ed turned back to his brother and glared at him.
"WHAT?" he screamed, "How're you done eating already?
Al snorted, setting his dishes in the sink. "While you were throwing a tantrum over the milk, I was getting ready like I was supposed to."
Ed poked his index fingers together, looking quite pathetic. "But…but you saved some for me, right?" Al smiled at him brightly and shook his head. "…" Ed smiled back at his brother for a moment before snapping into wrath-Ed and charging at him. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU! Leave no food for me will you? GRAGH!" he swiped haphazardly at Al, who ducked under the table and dashed for the door, speedily slipping on his shoes and grabbing his backpack.
"Bye Uncle, try not to start any wars!" he called as he slide past Hawkeye and Hughes.
"Get back here you little twerp!" shouted Ed, squeezing passed the military officers.
"See you, boys! Don't get into too many fights!"
"Be safe, you two."
"They're going to be the death of me…"
"Just be thankful you haven't lost an eye to them at this point." said Hawkeye, closing the door behind the boys.
Mustang snorted. "An eye…yeah, I'll be lucky if that's all I lose…"
X
"Get back here!" yelled Ed, flying off the steps of the apartment building as the school bus pulled up. Al dashed onto the bus, leaving his brother behind. That's when Ed heard it; the frantic voice of a young girl.
"Not again! Hey, wait for me! Please don't leave!"
Ed turned to her and smiled. "Hi Rosette!" he chirped, waving at her. Rosette's face turned bright red and she stumbled forward, losing her balance as she tried to stop.
"H-hi Ed!" she stuttered. Ed grinned at her, making her blush even more.
"Hey, are you two coming or not?" called the bus driver.
Ed held his hand out to Rosette. "Shall we?" he asked, pulling one of his famous prince-charming acts. Rosette suppressed a small squeak and nodded, taking his hand. They climbed aboard the bus and found that Al had saved them a seat. Ed let Rosette have the seat, making him stand again, but he didn't mind. Ed looked down to find his brother staring at him skeptically. "What?" he asked.
Al shook his head and whispered "you're taking this way too far, someone's going to end up getting hurt."
Ed rolled his eyes, ignoring the comment. When the bus rolled up to Seventh Bell's front gates, Joshua and Al ran off as they could; rushing over to Fiore. "What's gotten into you two?" asked Ed.
Al laughed maniacally, making Ed quite nervous. Joshua grinned evilly and said "wouldn't YOU like to know?" Rosette bopped him on the head with her fist. "Owe!"
"Yes, I would." She stated, raising her fist again.
Fiore waved her hands at Rosette in a calming manner. "Now, now, let's try not to start any fights." Ed turned away, remembering his little incident with Chrono yesterday.
"What's wrong?" asked Rosette.
He shook his head. "It's nothing," he said, smiling at her. When she had turned her attention back to her brother, Ed looked away, scanning the crowd of students for Chrono. Ed frowned. 'I really didn't think I hit him THAT hard…' he shook his head again. 'No!' he told himself, 'he's probably inside already, besides, it wouldn't be my fault if he's absent…right?'
Ding Dong Ding Dong! (stop beating up nerds and go to class!)
"Come on!" giggled Rosette, taking Ed's hand into her own. "Let's go!" she began to pull him towards the building. Ed took one final look around, still no sign of the other boy.
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"…La prueba de los quehaceres va al lunes. La tarea esta noche es en sus libros—la pagina 71, preguntas 4 y 5." said Señor Ricardo to the class. Ed quickly jotted down the homework in his planner. He glanced over at Rosette and saw that she had her head propped up in her hands and was gazing dreamily at him. Ed smiled at her and laughed quietly. Rosette snapped back to reality and quickly shook her head, turning her attention back to the teacher. Ed also refocused on Señor Ricardo, but couldn't help but recall what Al had told him on the bus that morning.
You're taking this way too far, someone's going to end up getting hurt.
Ed shook his head and sighed. 'What does he know? I'm not taking anything too far.'
"Eduardo," said the teacher, suddenly turning away from the chalkboard. "Would you care to repeat what I just said?"
"Uhh…"
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Ding Dong Ding Dong! (we'll give you $10 if you get to class right now!—Psych!)
'Doh!' thought Ed as he carried his portfolio over to one of the tables and took out a pencil. 'I think I told Rosette the wrong class…again…'
"Your final copies are due in three days, so please make sure to get them done, but don't feel rushed." called Miss Trace as she let her art students wander around the room to find a comfortable drawing position. Ed tapped his pencil on the desk, thinking. He slowly began to add in a few details to his picture, making the complex image even more confusing. As the teacher walked by, she leaned over Ed's shoulder and stared at his work. "Is that you're final copy?" she asked hesitantly. He nodded. "But…it's just a circle…"
"It's a really fancy circle," he stated, holding up the picture so she could get a better look.
The teacher gasped. "It looks like something out of a magic book…" she cooed. She lightly patted him on the head and resumed walking around the room, checking the other students' works.
Ed huffed and once Miss Trace was out of earshot muttered "it's called alchemy."
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Ed groaned; watching teachers write formulas that he learned when he was a little kid always bored him. He folded his arms and put his head down, trying to fall asleep.
"Psst," whispered someone beside him, nudging him slightly. "If you fall asleep, the teacher will get uber-mad." Ed rolled his head to face the other way, trying to ignore the girl. She blew out her cheeks, huffing at him.
Ed lifted his head slightly and turned back to the girl. "Hey, Shader," he whispered, making sure the teacher didn't hear him, "is Chrono here today?" She shook her head, but before she could explain why, the teacher stopped writing and turned to the two.
"Edward," scolded Miss Hendric, "I know that you may find physics to be boring, but I happen to love them. And if you don't memorize these formulas, you'll fail the test next week."
Ed groaned. "But I already know all this…" he whined, slumping down farther in his seat.
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Ding Dong Ding Dong! (fire, quick! Get to your next class or you'll burn!)
"So…why isn't Chrono here today?" asked Ed again as he and Shader left the A.P. Physics room. But again, they were interrupted before she could tell him why.
"Hi Edward!" chirped Rosette, running up to him.
"Ooh—Rosey-posey!" cooed Shader, giving her a big hug. "It seems like I haven't seen you in ages!"
"Ack! Shader—can't…breathe…" choked Rosette.
"Oh! Sorry!" she cried, immediately letting go. Ed laughed at the two, making Rosette blush yet again. And again, Al's words come flooding back to him.
You're taking this way too far, someone's going to end up getting hurt.
Ed shook his head. Why did his little brother have to nag so much? Rosette turned to him and smiled. "Come on," she said, taking his hand, "or we'll be late." Ed nodded and followed her. Al was wrong, no one was going to get hurt, especially not Rosette—he didn't WANT to hurt her, not ever…
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By the time gym class rolled around, Ed had completely forgotten about his missing classmate. He sat on the bleachers, patiently awaiting the ever-late teacher. Rosette flopped down beside him and sighed loudly. "I…hate…gym…" she cried.
"It won't be THAT bad," said Ed, trying to comfort her. Rosette blushed, and Ed smiled.
"Hey Rosette," asked someone leaning down towards the two; it was Storm Valerie—the boy that Ed knew for a fact was scared out of his wits by Rosette because of some incidents where he walked away from her with less and less teeth. "Have you seen Chrono today?"
"Ooh!" squeaked a girl beside him. "I heard that he was moving away—waaaaay far away!" Ed swallowed hard; that can't be true, could it?
"Where'd you hear that?" asked Valerie.
"Tabloids." Ed groaned; 'of course…'
"Alright, listen up!" shouted Coach G., finally appearing before the class. "We're going into the weight room today to begin our conditioning unit, so follow me!" The class groaned but did as they were told. Once inside the weight room, they were ordered to start with some bench presses. Ed had to keep from laughing when Rosette automatically clung to his arm when told to get into pairs.
"Wow…" cooed Rosette in awe as she watched Ed bench over ten presses. "How do you do that?" she asked dazedly, eyes moving up and down with the fluid motion of the bar. Ed chuckled and set the bar down.
"Easily," he replied, suppressing another laugh when Rosette nodded mindlessly. He thought that it might have less to do with how much he could lift and more with the fact that he had unbuttoned his shirt. Every time he did that, any girls nearby would stop and stare, even if it meant stopping in the middle of a street. 'I wonder why they do that?' he thought to himself. Fool…he really has no idea of how hot he is…
Ed stood up and went over to the weight rack to get more weights, just so he could laugh at how easy it was to dazzle Rosette. Ed blinked. A loud cracking noise had taken him away from his thoughts. "Uh oh…" he muttered. He examined the rack carefully to find that it was about to break. 'Lousy, half-assed assembly…' he thought angrily. If he moved his hand from where it was, the rack would just fall even quicker, thus killing him all the sooner. "Rosette," he called cautiously. "You might wanna back up." With that, the rack and all of its weights came crashing down upon him.
"ED!" he heard Rosette scream. He tried to sit up, but his right arm was crushed under the weights. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" panicked Rosette, dancing around Ed. "Are you alright?"
"That's a stupid question," he murmured, opening his eyes. "But actually, yes, I am." Rosette sighed in relief. Ed tried to sit up again, and he did, but this time, his right arm popped off, still pinned under the weights. Rosette's mouth fell open and her face turned white. "What?" asked Ed staring at the stunned girl. Rosette managed to squeak a little bit and point to where his right arm should be. He looked over at his shoulder and groaned. "Oh great… not again…" He looked back over at Rosette just in time to see her faint.
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"…Rosette…Rosette…? Come on, Rosette… wake up…" called Ed, trying to bring Rosette back to the waking world. She slowly opened her eyes to see Ed leaning over her. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"Ugh…" she groaned, holding her head. "I had the weirdest dream…"
Ed smiled mischievously and held up his right arm. "Y'mean like my arm falling off?" he asked, waving it around a bit in his left hand. Rosette immediately fainted again.
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Ed: (still shooting Chrono) Why (BANG!) won't (BANG!) you (BANG!) die? (BANG!)
Chrono: (laughing at Ed) Ha ha, you'll never kill me—I'm the star of this story.
Rosette: You've barely been in it at all.
Chrono: It's not my fault the authoress is mean…
Rosette: The authoress is dead.
Chrono: Then I blame her notes!
Ed: DIE! (BANG!)
Chrono: Oh, give it up already! I'm so full of bullets that I don't think I can even walk anymore!
Fiore: Keep shooting, Ed. I think due time is almost here.
Ed: I know, I know! (tries to fire, but shotgun's out of ammo)
Fiore: I'll go get some more. But in the mean time, (throws notebook to Ed) tell them the next question.
Ed: Pfftht! Forget these! (throws away notebook) I already know the question for MY chapter! 10 points: Who's the hottest anime guy of all time? (this question will stay on the table forever, I'm just cool that way).
Chrono: (snort) oh puh-leez! You know they'll vote for ME.
Ed: (BANG!) Hey look! One more bullet.
Chrono: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Ed: I'll be happier when you're dead. (Fiore comes back and hands box of ammo to Ed, who reloads gun and aims at Chrono again). Take this! (BANG! KA-CHINK! (bullet ricochets off Chrono and hits Rosette))
Rosette: AAAHHHHHH!
Chrono and Ed: ROSETTE!
Fiore: (whispers) morons…
Chrono: Look what you did! I'll make you pay for this! GRAGH! (hits Ed with the baseball bat)
Fiore: You idiot! We need him alive for one more chapter!
Chrono: Oh, come on!
Fiore: Just call a paramedic!
Chrono: Okay. (does so)
Fiore: (to Chrono when he hangs up the phone) You actually called one? But—but—why didn't you call one for the authoress?
Chrono: Guh? You just said "paramedic", before it was "ambulance".
Fiore: Idiot. They're the same thing.
Chrono: …DAMMIT! You mean I just saved my arch-rival?
Azzy: That reminds me, are these the "progressively darker" chapters that the authoress mentioned a while ago?
Fiore: (flipping through notebook) …Nope, doesn't look like it.
Chrono: Y'mean THESE are happy chapters?
Fiore: I guess…
Chrono: But—but—ED!
Fiore: He was a random factor, remember?
Chrono: SO? Just get rid of him already! (turns to point at Ed but can't find him. Then sees him at Rosette's side)
Ed: Only a kiss of true love can bring her back to life! (leans down to kiss Rosette)
Chrono: DON'T YOU DARE! (runs over and tries to hit with the baseball bat again)
Fiore: You're BOTH idiots…