Part 64 – Priya's Perfect Present

Maj. Priya "Innocence" Korpal – Diary Entry 64

It's been a rough week. I've kept myself secluded, avoiding the others. These days, I only spend time with Marshall and Jaz. I don't want the others to see me like this – a broken, empty shell of who I once was. Of course, Jaz had to catch me blubbering and sobbing during my last recording. It had all came to light what really happened the day my home had been reduced to ashes. Jaz has an inkling of what happened, and so does Marshall. Jaz thinks it's a case of survivor's guilt, and maybe she's right… but I can't accept that explanation right now.

"We're not Gods, Pri," she'd told me. "Some things are just beyond our control. That includes who lives and who dies at any one moment. Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, and I believe that with all my heart."

If only she knew how much things had been beyond my control that day. The powerlessness I felt as I watched – as I helped! Helped burn down my home…

I'm afraid.

No, that's not right. No, I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of what happened to me, ashamed that my stupidity and recklessness led to so many unnecessary deaths. That my disregard for my brother's warnings led to his capture, and likely a long, torturous demise. That he died believing that he'd failed to protect me, thinking I was dead. The resistance hadn't put in much effort into finding him as quick as possible. After all, he'd deserted XCOM to look after me. A guy from my camp named Lloyd headed up the search, and he didn't particularly care for either Ali or myself. I'm so freaking stupid. This whole time, I thought someone had turned traitor within our camp, and I'd zeroed in on Lloyd being the turncoat. But no, it was me this entire time.

* sniff * I'll tell Marshall and Jaz eventually about everything. They probably won't hate me, because they're amazing like that, but they should. Or at least feel disappointed… I don't deserve to be fighting alongside these other people. We've got some real heroes on this ship… and we've got me. The young rogue that gets mocked by the Commander every time she goes out there. The rogue who isn't even eligible for a Brigadier rank. The rogue who couldn't perform at her best because she can't handle a rifle and needs an SMG to aim properly.

At least that last point has been rectified recently. The Commander stuck to his promise and produced a scramgun. But maybe it doesn't even matter anymore. Just look at this last operation… I got sloppy, losing focus all thanks to this bullshit that's cropped up late –

"Priya!"

Huh? Marsh – what the!?

"Brace! We've got a UFO on appr – "

Part 65 – AVENGER D#

Maj. Priya "Innocence" Korpal - Diary Entry 65

These old memories of mine… these wounds I'd barely taped closed are slowly opening back up. And having to defend the Avenger against an endless onslaught of ADVENT didn't help matters much. All it did was remind me of what I had done when ADVENT had assaulted my camp… The atrocity I'd committed. I wonder if Central, or any of the top guys know… Would I get tried with Marshall and the others? I'd deserve it. I've noticed Central's been keeping an eye on me lately. I guess he's noticed that I haven't been causing as much trouble on the ship. Not like him to worry, especially about me, but who knows…

I didn't get to head out with the defense team, which is probably for the best. We had the all-stars out there kicking ass and holding the line like absolute heroes. Walker, Carmine, Heidi, Carter, Longfellow and Marshall put in so much work, they didn't even care that the Avenger had come back online almost immediately after deployment. I guess it was about making a statement. That ADVENT left their assault on us far too late. They should've just blown us out of the sky instead of taking the risk of shutting us down. Still, I never thought the Avenger would've gone down like that. Everyone appears to be okay. Kyra and Carter took a few hits out there. I hugged Marshall like I never have before… I'm so glad he came back alive – he'd been out on his own out there… If I'd lost him…

Of course, the discovery that they intended on capturing us rather than destroying us only adds more fuel to the fire with regards to the Commander and his supposed connection to the aliens… I don't know how, but Marshall has gotten me curious with regards to this… theory. Marshall's arranged a meeting with Walker to discuss things. It'll be the first time I've seen Walker in a while since the supply raid. I've been trying to take my mind off these flashbacks lately. I figured I'd check out what Aruth has been up to, but of course, not being in a good state of mind led to me getting careless. I think he's made me. I should probably just give up on spying, and let the others handle him if he gets out of hand. That's what Walker's proposal is for, right?

Anyway, Marshall is getting more and more worried about me by the minute, I can tell. Same with Jasmine. I think I'll organise a moment to tell them both about what happened. I need to share it with someone, or else it'll consume me completely. I've been having thoughts about doing something radical…

Like abandoning ship… or worse…

Out.

Part 66 – Viper Sandwich

Maj. Priya "Innocence" Korpal - Diary Entry 66

Time marches on, as does our campaign against ADVENT. They're struggling to pick up the pieces of their little Avatar project, but we just keep kicking them while they're on the ground. As soon as we received a tip-off about a new alien facility, the Commander scrambled together a team to go forth and shut that shit down. The aliens are on their last legs, and it's so satisfying to see. There's nothing they can do at this point to stop us after they blew their last opportunity with that UFO knocking us out of the sky. The Commander even sent in a team specialised for close quarters combat to keep us troopers from getting complacent, and to give Walker a much needed break. Well, turns out we can still cruise through these guerrilla operations no matter what kind of squad composition we've deployed. At least, that's what I heard. I'd been too busy with something else to watch the feed this time.

What's really got everyone worried is the dramas aboard this ship. Walker and Carmine seem to be investigating something, but as for what it is, I'm not sure. If I had to guess, it'd be if we've got a mole in the team that might've signalled the UFO on our location. Hmm… I've made the mistake before of incorrectly accusing others for being a traitor… in fact, I nearly killed someone because I'd been convinced that they were the ones who'd revealed the location of my camp and got Ali killed. Of course, little did I know… I was the one who'd unwillingly betrayed my outpost all along.

I just hope that Walker and Carmine are absolutely sure we've even got an ADVENT informant aboard the Avenger before they start naming names.

Then, what once started out as a drunken conspiracy theory from Marshall has gone farther than I ever could've imagined. Even Walker's dipped his nose in it, and the guy's a Brigadier. Marshall seems so utterly convinced that even I can't help but believe him. Then we had that huge psionic wave passing through shortly after the Skyranger deployed for the latest op. I thought it was another one of those Avatars… but no one seems to have any kind of explanation yet. I did notice that Kyra looked a bit miffed, and well… I haven't seen the other Psi Ops lately. Then again, I've been avoiding that lab like the plague. I never want to get involved with psionics ever again. One of the benefits of my upcoming decision I guess.

Jaz and Marshall have just literally come back from their deployment. Once they've settled back in, I'll tell them everything. I need to get it off my chest with the two people I trust the most.

And then after that? I'll be gone…

I won't tell them I'm leaving because I know they will try and stop me. I've already made up my mind, and it's the right thing to do. I only joined XCOM because I thought it'd bring me closer to bhaiya (older brother). I thought I'd be able to exact punishment on the aliens for what they did to my home, but – really, I should've been punishing myself all along. I love Marshall… I really do… but he deserves someone better than me. Same with Jaz … Heidi … Vivi … Walker … everyone. They're so close to ending this Avatar project and the Elders only hope for survival, I'm sure of it. Not to mention that we've basically got a small army at this point thanks to the Commander's recruiting efforts. That's why I know it's okay for me to go. There's no doubt about it, they can finish this without me. I'm happy for them. But I don't deserve such a happy ending after what I've done.

I've got my own shit to sort out. Next time the Avenger lands, I'll sneak out of here, and that'll be the end of it.

…

…

Thanks for the memories.

And so for the last time…

Out.