Sarcasm Still Valid
7/24/11
Chell might have figured that once she fell asleep Wheatley would be having a grand old time on his own in the system. Or perhaps he'd be keeping a frantic eye on the two testing bots. Or maybe he'd just WATCH her like some kind of stalker (never mind the fact he really couldn't see her on his back). But whatever was happening while she was asleep, she could honestly care less. She was simply too exhausted and stressed to force herself along any further.
With the tiny human curled around the heavy power cord conduit, Wheatley gave Orange and Blue one warning. "I'll level with you two here. Yeh, we're waking up... the dragon, so good for you. But if you get even the slightest idea to even look at my human funny, you'll be rebooting sectors until you become obsolete."
It was perhaps the most threatening thing Wheatley had ever thought of. If Chell had been awake, she would have been A) embarrassed as all hell he kept calling her 'his human', and B) A little worried at the strange shift in personality.
Orange recoiled away, tucking herself behind Blue. The bolder bot just gave a disgruntled sound. They had no beef with the human and found Chell to be enjoyable. But Wheatley in the system simply wouldn't do. If the core kept his promise and the human left with him after reviving GLaDOS, the robots would have completed their objective.
It was just a shame the human had to leave to get rid of this core...
It was a good seven or more hours before something tried to wake Chell up. Her dreams had been plagued with a repeating sense of deja vu that she had that exact dream before – but for the life of her she couldn't remember what it was she had done in the dream previously. So when Wheatley's low hum of a voice suddenly pulled her from her dreams, she was more than glad to leave.
"How you feeling? Everything working still?" Wheatley asked, rocking sideways and trying to peer into his own back.
Chell yawned and stretched, her hand reaching down to pat him on the side of the chassis. Her head still hurt, probably just as badly as her back ached from sleeping on the metal surface with all sorts of wonderful things jabbing into her spine. There was a painful rumble from her starving belly, which the core gave only an amused breath of a laugh at.
Then she flopped right back over in an attempt to return to sleep and ignore his teasing laugh, one arm dangling over the side of the chassis.
"You can't sleep forever." Wheatley swayed, trying to jostle the woman awake.
'Yes I can.' Chell thought stubbornly and blinked blearily.
The core paused. "Oh... I suppose you technically can. You spent half of a forever sleeping in the Relaxation Vault earlier." Wheatley was watching the two bots who still sat against the wall. Orange and Blue were rather fascinated with the interaction between the interloper in the DOS mainframe and the stubborn human.
Giving a slight grunt as she stretched and twisted her back, listening to her spine pop like roll of bubble wrap, Chell sighed and went limp after the action.
"If I could have seen what you just did up there, I'd say that sounded very painful." Wheatley had gone completely still at the sound of the pop and click of Chell's back. "Are you broken? Did you get hurt?" He asked, urgently.
Chuckling quietly, Chell sat up again, dangling her legs off the edge of the chassis and wiggling forward to drop to the ground. However her bare feet and exposed toes caused her to pause and stare at them in confusion. Then it hit her what she was about to do: jump off of a 30 foot tall computer without her long fall boots.
Suddenly wide awake, and almost hitting herself in the head at her foolishness, Chell pulled the boots on in record time. The bruises left where the bindings had clamped tightly onto her flesh weren't as bad as she had thought, but there were still dark lines on her legs from wearing the longfall boots.
Hopping to the ground, there was the whine of hydraulics as Wheatley rolled upwards to loom over Chell. "Well. You're up! Great! There's... oh, lookit that... five minutes left before the dragon wakes up. … A bit late that, I already expected us to be gone by now." The core looked the human over, as if he was suspicious of her long 'down-time'.
Five minutes before GLaDOS woke up? Oh crap! Chell's horror was writ on her face in plain bold print. She pointed urgently to the elevator, and then raised both her hands to him. 'Come on, detach! We have to go!'
"Um, bit of bad news here." Wheatley lowered himself so Chell could grasp him but did not disengage from the chassis. "If I unplug, all systems shut down. There is no automated system left. So... elevators would be out of the question. And I don't think we (and by 'we' I mean 'you') can run up forty flights of stairs in five minutes, luv."
This posed a problem Chell was not able to handle. Dammit! If only Wheatley had woken her up sooner, or better yet, NOT BOTHERED TO PROMISE TO WAKE GLADOS AT ALL!
"Maybe we should stay here for a bit. Say 'hi' when she wakes up." Wheatley was using his 'I will convince you of my horrible plan' placating voice again. And while it set the very hairs of her arm on end to hear him speak like that (damn that influencing robot-sphere), it was calming enough that Chell was willing to hear him out.
Seeing that the human was giving him her full attention, Wheatley flexed the outer hull of his sphere in pride. "Well, she's waking up in... three minutes now. But... I never said I was putting her back in this body." Shutters squinting in glee, Wheatley confided the big secret he had kept.
Orange jumped to her feet quite suddenly, chattering and pointing in a upset manner.
"No, I never said I was putting her back in control. Just that we'd wake her up, and be off. Good luck figuring out how to get her back in. I think it had something to do with … that weird buttony thing." Wheatley rolled his body in a gesture like a shrug. "Of course, she can probably talk you through it... heh." The core sudden gave a dark chuckle, amused.
Chell cocked her head at him. How odd, to hear that tone from the core she knew.
"Oh, nothing. Just something – the past- laughing at the past." Wheatley said, not un-kindly but more amused than calming.
Seeing as how Wheatley was insisting they stay until GLaDOS woke up, Chell had a growing sense of dread. Reaching up, she tugged at the chassis' side, not quite sure if she wanted up onto his back or just a hug.
But sadly, she got neither.
The two bots were making a loud chatter, upset at the new short-end of the deal. Orange still held Chell's ASHPD, and was defensively pulled behind Blue as the robot apparently let fly a sling of insults.
"WOT? I- My – I'll have you know my 'mother' was a bloke with a massive beard, so of COURSE 'she' had a neckbeard!" Wheatley seemed flustered at the attempted insult. "Your mother is a crazy, homicidal sociopath! Utter loon!" Wheatley threw out his own childish insult.
Chell didn't need a degree in robotics to see this was quickly degrading into a fight. And if there was one lecture she could give with great experience – Fighting the Aperture AI supercomputer was ALWAYS a poor idea. Removing her hands from Wheatley, Chell approached the two angry robots with her hands held out in a placating gesture.
Apparently, the two robots no longer want to take Chell hostage (probably assuming you could only take someone hostage once), but they welcomed her presence and calmed down from angry clicks and buzzes to mumbled speech. Taking an arm of both Orange and Blue, Chell got them to stand down in a calm manner, and lower their portal devices (not that they would have done squat anyway). With the two testing bots no longer about to throw themselves at Wheatley, Chell looked back at him with a smile to reassure the core she had the situation under control.
Wheatley seemed to be scowling, his optic shuttered heavily. He was glaring at the two testing bots. Or more specifically, the arms of them that Chell was holding onto. If he still suspected the two robots of snatching Chell away again, he didn't do anything.
Yet.
"Data transfer complete. Power-up in progress." The automated voice of the system kicked in, causing Chell and Orange to fling themselves behind Blue in a panic. Chell's panic was more due to the fact that 'OMFG... we are all going to die', while Orange just had no clue what was going on. Blue stood his ground, twice as clueless as he was bold (although twice of zero is still –sadly- zero). And someone should inform him that in Aperture Labs, bravery means nothing if you don't know when to run like winged turrets were flying out of android hell after you.
And if Aperture ever made flying turrets, Chell would never stop running.
Something heavy and painful suddenly clamped around Chell's midsection, driving the air out of her hand causing her bruised ribs to throb in pain. Gasping in shock as the pressure, Chell grasped at – wait... that was the giant claw that Wheatley had used earlier to pick her up.
"Maybe you should come back over here. Our team vs theirs, you know." Wheatley swung the mechanical arm towards the chassis. Chell's face held a slight grimace of pain from the pressure of being held around the midsection, and she smacked the claw with an open palm. "Oh.. oh, sorry, I'm sorry luv. Let me loosen that up." He stumbled, apologizing quickly. The claw no longer was so tight, but he didn't put Chell down.
Great. Suspended thirty feet over the floor in an inescapable grasp. Yep. Fun times.
"Aaaand... she's awake! Done. You can have the dragon back. Me and my human have things to do, and then escape, if you don't mind." Wheatley said quite suddenly.
Chell found herself looking around the room in confusion. There was no sign of the giant white head-piece that had once been attached to the DOS chassis. GLaDOS wasn't attached to any sort of robot either. There was no anything, pretty much. The podium under the chassis had spun open to reveal a dozen tiny worker-arms, but there was no sign of GLaDOS.
"Oh my god. What have you done, you moron!" GLaDOS, wherever she was, spoke in a horrified tone.
The two testing bots and the human increased their attempts to locate the AI. Chell wiggled about in the claw, wondering if Wheatley had merged her into the system? Maybe he had built her into the chassis? Maybe that little personality core hooked to the management rail could figure out where—she...
oh my god.
The tiny core on the railing was the typical round personality core with white armor. But this one had a bright gold optic, set with the iris resembling the ring of Aperture's logo. The shutters were drawn in ire, and the tiny core was glaring mightily at Wheatley, trembling in rage.
… He … Wheatley... had turned GLaDOS into a freaking personality core.
Chell's jaw fell open with a complete lack of grace.
Orange, always keeping her eye on Chell, followed the human's gaze and physically stumbled when she spotted the core. Giving a high pitched whine, she shook Blue and pointed to the newly finished personality core. Blue seemed to lock up, and there was then a humming of his system forcing a reboot.
Yes... it WAS just that shocking.
"I am NOT a moron!" Wheatley insisted, swinging the arm holding Chell closer to the chassis and himself. Chell gave a choked groan at the disorienting sense of weightlessness at the action. Her hands scrambled to pull herself free of the claw, and Wheatley let her drop back onto the top of the mainframe. "Look what I did! I am now the grandest seat in the entire world, the most powerful system to have existed! You were dead, then defeated, and now you get to spend your days as a sphere with no bloody fingers! It's brilliant!" Wheatley's voice grew higher pitched as he worked himself into a frenzy.
Sighing, Chell figured she would have to burst his bubble sooner or later. 'Spend her days' was a relative term, because once Wheatley was removed from the system and the two test subjects escaped, GLaDOS would somehow figure out a way back into her own mainframe. The core seemed to be enjoying this gloating far more than he had enjoyed almost any other activity in the labs so far.
Blue reached up and removed GLaDOS from the maintenance rail, turning her anger on Wheatley and glaring. GLaDOS wasn't done with her own argument just yet. "It's your very core subroutine that keeps you as a moron. You were BUILT as a moron! And now you've infected my test subject with your-,"
"MY Test subject!" Wheatley interrupted.
Chell felt the horrible sensation of awkwardness return. Only this time, something didn't seem right...and with as much silence and stealth as she could muster, Chell dropped to the ground and tucked herself out of sight behind the rumbling DOS mainframe.
"No... MY test subject. Just claiming yourself of King of the Moon doesn't actually MAKE you royalty. Test Subject Chell is mine. You are an usurping little moron who only made this far on the back of my test subject. You take your stupid unworkable ideas and fed them to the human, who can turn them into success... it was never your victory." GLaDOS hissed.
A cold sensation of horror was filling the human. This was most definitely GLaDOS trying to manipulate Wheatley into doing something. Orange and Blue no longer looked defiant, but a bit alarmed at hearing the argument. GLaDOS was rolling her optic in fury, Blue doing all he could just to keep from dropping her.
The constant drone of the DOS mainframe began to increase in pitch as Wheatley trembled in anger. "Ok, no more Mr. Nice Sphere. I can run this place twice as good as you could, and I think I will. I'm just going just send you on a quick trip, sounds good." The core rumbled. The entire room shook as panel arms swung outwards and shoved at Orange and Blue. The two robots dodged panels that attempted to crush them into each other and the floor. Mashing robots together hardly qualified as a trip!
Chell's face twisted in dismay. She didn't want those two robots to get squashed like this! It wasn't their argument! And it seemed vaguely wrong to destroy GLaDOS when she was so helpless. She just wanted to leave with her friend. Giving a light hum, the only sound her throat could make, Chell tugged at the side of the chassis in an attempt to pull Wheatley's attention off of his targets.
The icy blue glare of the core swung down on Chell, rage igniting his whole systems. "Not. Now." He growled, turning to focus back on his intended targets.
Something vitally important inside of Chell felt... broken. She recoiled back from Wheatley a few steps, eyes wide and alarmed.
Blue sprang off a plate trying to crush him into Orange, the other testing bot leaping sideways. GLaDOS gave little notice to the two robots trying to dodge to prevent themselves from being reduced to scrap. "Name just one plan of yours that worked before you met my test subject? I believe I can answer that question for you. Out of 31 escape attempts, redistribution attempts, and failed projects, all ended in failure. Seven of which blew up and caused massive property damage. You are not designed to 'think'. You are designed to fail." GLaDOS said, her gold eye glaring as the aperture rotated into a small angry dot. "And in that, you are a massive success. Congratulations... failure."
"You know, a personality core sphere is too good for you. I'm going to put you into … I'll put you into a child's toy!" Wheatley snarled, all sense of the old-personality sphere was distorted and warped.
Chell was hiding behind the glass elevator now. What had just happened? Why was Wheatley acting so... wrong? This was not the AI she had befriended. And why was GLaDOS taunting him? My god, you don't just go around taunting insane people! That's a death wish! Everything Chell had considered a success had gone sour... she felt like everything she accomplished would be stripped and stolen from her.
Taking the human completely off guard, Blue charged around the elevator from the side and plowed right into the woman. Tackling Chell to the ground, Blue rolled sideways and then jerked himself up right and dodged back into the elevator. Orange was quick to follow, a plate swinging outwards and slicing against the white metal of her shin guard where sparks cascaded around her. Chell was flung over Blue's back, suspended upside down and looking right at GLaDOS who was tucked under Blue's other arm.
Well great. Kidnapped again. She was going to have to keep a talley of the 'amount of times kidnapped by machines'... and if the refrigerator ever got the 1-up on her, and tied her up she was going to QUIT. Screw you, life, I quit. Why the two robots and GLaDOS were now taking refuge in the elevator was beyond Chell. Wheatley had control of the whole system. He wasn't going to send his enemies onwards when they were holding 'his human'.
… was he?
The GLaDOS-sphere's lower optic shutter raised slightly in what appeared to be the core version of... a smile. One Chell had seen on Wheatley many times before, and it left her disoriented. "A moron like you can't even watch out for one single human." GLaDOS said, the 'smile' falling away as she addressed Wheatley. "Aperture Science Reclamations Resources Department now will reassign this human to a more complimentary department. The Moron Department seems... full."
"I. AM NOT! A MORON!" The giant claw that had once so very carefully picked Chell off the floor was a blur of red as it swung at the elevator. There was a horrible crunch as the glass tubing was shattered, and the metal frame suddenly began to buckle.
Giving a shriek and throwing both hands over her neck, Chell winced as she felt the elevator shutter and bend under the blow. A violent spray of glass showered all the occupants of the elevator. There was a long and low groan of metal from below that snapped the human's eyes wide open in alarm. The freaking elevator... was...
Falling.
"Oh bugger." Was pretty much the last thing Chell heard from above.
So.
Falling to ones death.
Wasn't as exciting as Chell had imagined.
Blue had released the human during the freefall and the two bots were a few feet below Chell, and GLaDOS was tumbling somewhere near the woman as well.
"That could have gone better." The AI admit, looking down at the two testing bots, who weren't nearly as freaked out as they should have been for falling to their death.
A glare was Chell's only response. Could have gone better? She had goaded Wheatley into killing her! … and then by some IDIOT PROXY, Chell was now dead too! What was her rival AI thinking? There was no way GLaDOS could have thought Wheatley just would have taken that abuse quietly!
… but Chell really thought that the little blue-eye'd core would have pulled his punches once she had been taken hostage a second time. It left a hollow feeling inside her chest. What had happened? Wheatley had been so eager to escape. Then he was willing to wait 8 hours while Chell slept. Then, he no longer seemed willing to escape at all.
And he had called her a 'test subject'.
Chell wasn't sure how many times she had tasted ironic defeat in this place, but this time it really hurt.
"Oh, so NOW you feel bad about what you've done? Realizing that putting the Intelligence Damping core in control of the entire facility wasn't such a good idea?" The gold aperture iris narrowed at Chell as GLaDOS administered a strict admonition. "Congratulations. This is me playing the world's smallest violin for you." The upper and lower handle of the core wiggled as if playing an air-violin.
Chell presented GLaDOS, in return, with a finger gesture.
"I don't know who taught you that. But it is never an appropriate gesture. Was it the moron? Did he teach you that? Because I certainly didn't." GLaDOS huffed.
Well, ok, so memories were still all jumbled and Chell couldn't remember where she had learned that gesture... or even ever seeing anyone else use it. But it was offensive, and that was all that mattered.
…. that and maybe how long they were going to fall for. Those two things were all that mattered.
2875 meters, a sign blurred by. Or at least, Chell THOUGHT it was in meters. It was kind of hard to read when falling at terminal velocity. And was was that in feet... or miles? Wasn't that almost 2 miles?
The four of them fell another hundred feet in silence before Orange looked up and raised her hand towards Chell. It wasn't a wave, but it was more like the robot was trying to reach her. Chell didn't reach back, still angry at being dragged along on this death plummet.
"Would you like to know what went wrong with your escape plan? It's quite simple... you tried to escape." GLaDOS was taunting Chell out of spite now, angry beyond rational that she was trapped in a harmless little core shell.
Wind rolled Chell onto her back as she fell, and she gave an upside-down frown to GLaDOS. 'Gee, water is wet? Sky is blue? What other wisdom are you going to impart on me, my knowledgeable computer overlord.' Chell wished she had a voice, she was angry what the AI had done to her friend. She was angry she was still here. And she was hurt for being discarded by Wheatley. She just didn't care anymore.
Blue made an upset noise, now only a few below Chell as they fell.
"I don't suppose you want to teach my two testing initiative bots how to land without crushing vital testing equipment." GLaDOS said amicably. "That was one of the programs that was to be installed after I retrieved the hardware installed in the King-Moron. Their reconstruction capsules were not calibrated either. They were built to be re-built upon 'death'... but it seems they're going to stay that way in about 45 seconds."
The two robots looked up urgently to the human. Chell quickly averted her gaze. True, she didn't hate those two robots. But they were not on 'her side'. If she taught them how to land, what would stop them from capturing her or killing her upon GLaDOS's request?
Spinning in the air again, Chell caught a glimpse of something above her...
"You might not want to do that." GLaDOS warned her not to look up.
'OH JESUS THE ELEVATOR IS GOING TO SQUISH ME!' Chell gave a squawk of alarm, the half destroyed elevator only forty feet above her head.
"Rate of falling should keep it just above you at terminal velocity until you slow down or stop. In which case the elevator will catch up... and you will be turned into a meat pancake." GLaDOS reminded the human.
'And you'll be turned into a small metal disc, so fair is fair.' Chell managed one comeback in her head before her mind started racing on a solution... how do you out maneuver an elevator determined to crush you from above? What good did it do teaching the two testing bots how to land when they were all going to die a split second after landing?
The sphere replied, "Ground floor, groceries and deli... specials today on mashed soylent green... which is made of- … heh."
… that was disturbingly morbid.
4250 meters...was there even a bottom? Logically, there had to be, but it sure was taking it's sweet time-
OH MY GOD.
Wooden planks were lying across the pit far below, not at all a surface the longfall boots would protect Chell from. Upon impact, they would shatter and Chell would continue to fall. But it would slow her down and the elevator would CRUSH her.
"Nice knowing you. If only I could purge the last memory of myself being taken down by two idiots from my database..." GLaDOS murmured.
Chell knew she was going to regret this. But – she couldn't let someone defenseless go like this. With a curse towards her soft compassionate side, even in the face of possible death and certain-torment.. and she had an idea.
And not a Wheatley based 'idea' either. This was a good one...
Probably...
Grabbing the sphere, Chell rotated in the air, locking both the longfall boots in front of her as she tucked the core against her chest and gestured for the two robots, reaching her arm towards them. She didn't have to wait long because the two of them latched onto the human, confused and maybe just a little bit alarmed. Chell prepared for her plan to either work... or to introduce herself to the wood plank face first.
"What are you-," In a high pitched modulation, GLaDOS cried out in confusion and was instantly silenced at the first impact.
But it wasn't the wood that hit them... it was the elevator catching up from behind. The combined air resistance had slowed all three enough that the elevator had reached them with a gentle bump. It was still painful enough to cause Chell to gasp as the heavy elevator bumped into her bruised ribs. Sucking in air through gritted teeth, the human squirmed inside the elevator and dragged the two free falling bots with.
Intention: Let the elevator smash through the wood for them. Upon impact, the velocity SHOULD slow down to the point where the three (technically three and a sphere) passengers would be ejected out the bottom and continue onwards.
… where they would hit the ground, and THEN be crushed by the elevator.
… god dammit, logical part of my brain, where were you twenty seconds ago when I thought this up?
'Sorry, I was getting a coffee. What'd I miss?' The logic portion of Chell's brain said brightly.
CRRRAACK!
The elevator broke right through the rotting plank, barely slowing their fall. But now fragments of splinters and spikes of wood and nails exploded into the air like shrapnel. Chell flinched, and ahead saw another set of boards. The elevator's impact jarred the lab subject into the wall, impacting her skull against the metal bars of the elevator and throwing Blue into Orange, who in turn smashed into her. Chell's vision exploded into white as she reeled in pain. The white vision suddenly dissolved into starbursts of blackness, and then Chell saw nothing.
Only the sound of breaking wood, twisting metal, scraping along a tunnel and the occasional cry of the sphere in her arms sounded as the human lost consciousness.
'If I had been on fire, I think I would have gotten some kind of crazy trifecta award for that – oh good, I'm going to faint now.' Chell slipped out, thankfully unconscious for the moment when she would splatter against the pavement.
MWHAHAHA, no PotaDOS. At least, not for NOW. And I put comments at the end? What is the world coming to?
I will also answer that question for you. Cake. The world is coming to cake. Now go eat a piece. But remember, cake goes RIGHT TO YOUR THIGHS.
Progress will be slow, and I'm still blaming l4d. Also, if you ever see a zombie by my name,... it's safer just to run. I love zombies, and cricket bats, and survivors, and molotovs, and - *rambles off*