The quiet steady voices carrying on a conversation off in the distance drug him from the depths of his sleep, bringing him slowly to awareness, allowing the fog to lift from his brain as he became more fully aware of his surroundings. He was in his own bed. Funny, the last thing he remembered was sitting on the bathroom floor with Gibbs holding him up, as he spilled everything out to the man, piece by jaggedly painful emotional piece. Somehow, Gibbs obviously got him up off the floor and into his own bed. Tim didn't know what to expect from the man now. Gibbs!
The boss had seen him at his worst and weakest and now most likely realized just how incompetent of a person he really was. As of right now, his boss knew every single thing there was to know about Tim McGee and that thought scared the hell out of him. While he'd felt safer and secure last night, with Gibbs watching over him and encouraging him to get it all out; now that it was indeed, all out, the fear of the unknown future was almost more than he could handle.
Whatever was coming next couldn't be good, but, whatever it was; Tim figured he had it comin. As he sat up and attempted to pull his thoughts into some kind of order, he realized that for the first time in a very long time, he wasn't thinking or even hearing about anything from times gone by. His mind was actually a clean slate. The continued soft conversation from the other room began to gnaw at him. What was going on and just who was in his apartment, now?
Tim widened his bedroom door and slipped out into the hallway and headed out to the kitchen. As he took in the sight in front of him; Tony and Gibbs sitting in his now pristine living room, drinking coffee and quietly talking; Tim felt a momentarily flash of fear. Surely, Gibbs wouldn't have told Tony... But, why else would Tony be here? How the hell had his living room gotten clean up? Wait! That's right Gibbs cleaned it up the other night!
"I'm just glad you called me, Boss. Glad I could come help. I know he's been really withdrawn lately and didn't want to ask for help, especially from me. Doesn't mean I didn't wanna be able to help him, though." - Tony's words registered in Tim's brain. Oh, No!
"Glad you were available to help me get him off the floor, Tony." the boss' voice was surprisingly neutral. He didn't sound pissed or especially happy either. What he did sound was exhausted. Oh, God!
"I don't understand why you won't tell me what's going on with him, Boss." Tony complained quietly. He really wanted to be able to help McGee. Oh, Good!
"Tony. I told you to go on home hours ago, not crash on his couch. Don't think McGee's gonna be too happy finding you here unexpectedly." Gibbs growled in obvious frustration.
"I'm okay with it, Boss." Tim's quiet voice from the doorway startled both of his guests.
Feeling an overwhelming sense of relief and gratitude that Gibbs had kept his word, and not let Tony in on his deepest darkest secrets and weaknesses had Tim smiling a small but genuine smile. He knew keeping Tim's confidence put Gibbs in a tough spot, but since the boss hadn't declined; had in fact encouraged Tim to open up to him, Tim could only feel that everything would work out okay. Wanting to avoid any awkwardness that was sure to come up, Tim plunged the conversation into safer territory. "Either of you had breakfast yet?" he asked.
Gibbs looked Tim over closely. The young man was still tired, that much was obvious. He couldn't tell what he was thinking because Tim wouldn't bring his eyes up off the floor; again. Well, that meant something less than positive was going on in that head of his and if Gibbs knew Tim as well as he thought he did; most of what was going on was self - doubt, fear and worry. After everything Tim had let him in on last night, Gibbs couldn't even be sure that the residual effects of having all that running around in his head, wasn't still wreaking havoc in Tim's head.
"How could we..." Tony started to answer until Gibbs glared at him.
"McGee, if you're hungry, we can grab some breakfast at a diner and relax for a change." Gibbs offered as he pushed to override Tony's near miss with his unintentional reminder of things best left alone at the moment.
Tim hadn't missed it, though. He did, however, see for himself that Tony was genuinely worried about him. Tony didn't wear worried any better than Gibbs did; but he did wear it more obviously. With the genuine concern he was now witnessing from both men, Tim found himself second guessing things he'd believed and been convinced of regarding the Senior Field Agent and his attitudes and behaviors towards himself.
"That would be nice. My treat." Tim offered by way of apology for the need to find breakfast somewhere other than his barren cupboards.
He had yet to look either man in the eye; not yet ready to face what might be waiting for him; condemnation, recrimination, blame. Tim was ready for any of it. He still had plenty of his own negative emotions still laying raw, throbbing and while no longer festering, certainly causing enough pain, he still didn't see the end of the tunnel; even though Gibbs had shown him the light.
"Just give me a couple of minutes to grab a shower and I'll be ready." Tim requested as he turned back toward his room, missing the concerned look Tony sent Gibbs' way.
After the bathroom door closed and the shower came on, Tony looked to Gibbs, expecting an answer to his silent question.
"Tony. Don't. I can't tell you what he doesn't want to talk to you about himself. You know that." Gibbs reminded the young man.
"I know, Boss. But, what's with the not looking us in the eye, this morning? Since when can't he even do that?" Tony's question was full of the concern he felt.
"Since he's not completely sure why you're here and what you're really thinking bout him right now, Tony. He's unsure of his place around you."
"He's always been unsure of his place around you, too, Boss. That why he's not lookin at you either?" Tony asked.
"Somethin like that." Gibbs cryptically answered. He knew that Tim's inability to look him in the eye at the moment was coming from that exact explanation. Having opened up to Gibbs and let the boss into everything that had been tearing him apart basically throughout his entire adult life and even painful pieces of his childhood; had been both a blessing and a curse. While he was probably feeling 1,000 pounds lighter in terms of the world formally sitting on his shoulders; the young man was undoubtedly scared that this somehow changed things for him with Gibbs and even with his job.
Tim fought hard to keep his mind from taking the endless negative possibilities and running away with them. Instead, he forced his mind to replay the events of last night. As he allowed the hot shower to ease his tense body, his mind ran through what he remembered. Thankfully, the specifics that had driven his desperation were less clear than the end results; letting Gibbs in. The memory of Gibbs saving him from hurting himself; first from his internal battle to open that lock box and actually take his weapon and use it against himself; and then his misguided attempt to beat his head until he was numb; brought tears of relief to his eyes.
How could he have gotten so far out on this limb? Why did he still feel like he was dangling from it; even with Gibbs trying so damn hard to hold onto him? Everything still felt so fresh and suffocatingly painful. Why couldn't he shake this?
Soon the frustration he'd felt overwhelming him last night, returned with a vengeance. Feeling storm swept once again, Tim couldn't do anything but beat take it out on the shower wall; choosing this time, to use his fist. Not really looking for pain, but suddenly Tim realized the physical pain was helping to ease his emotional pain and suddenly the desire to keep going sparked to life.
The sudden thump that came from the bathroom, followed soon by several more, brought Tony and Gibbs' conversation to a standstill as Gibbs jumped up and raced to the source of the noise in a flash. Too startled and worried to care anything about decorum; Gibbs opened the thankfully, unlocked door and tore the shower curtain back, to reveal Tim, once again, in what appeared to be mid meltdown. This time, the young man was using his fist to feel the pain instead of his head even as tears coursed down his face. Turning the shower off, Gibbs wrapped Tim's hand and wrist while Tony silently laid a towel across Tim's shoulder so that most of it draped down and covered him respectfully.
Knowing that Tim wouldn't appreciate Tony seeing him like this, the Senior Field Agent silently slipped back out of the bathroom and headed back to the kitchen. He was in desperate need for a new cup of coffee. He desperately wanted to go back over to stand by the almost completely closed bathroom door, and listen; hear what was said, to get a glimpse of what was driving Probie to be this upset. But, knowing full well, that if he did hear whatever it was, this way, he wouldn't be able to hide that fact and Gibbs would know. Gibbs, who had very clearly warned him that whatever Tony was told had to come from Tim; would give him the head slap of his life if he disregarded this order from the boss and rightly so. Reluctantly, Tony took himself to the living room and sat down on the couch, laying his head back and allowing himself to catnap; relaxing only in the knowledge that Probie was safe with the boss' taking care of him right now.
Gibbs concentrated on bringing Tim back into focus. Clamping a hand down on the shoulder that didn't have the towel on it, Gibbs looked his agent in the eye and reigned him in. "McGee!"
Tim heard his boss from behind the mist that had begun to form a thick fog over his mind. Suddenly, he realized the shower had been turned off, he was half wearing a towel and Gibbs was standing next to his tub, holding a towel he'd wrapped around Tim's hand and wrist.
"I'm sorry, Gibbs. I'm just so frustrated!" Tim said miserably after a minute.
The fact that he had used Gibbs' name and not "Boss" was startling to Gibbs, but then again so was this young man's sudden propensity for inflicting physical pain on himself; seemingly to numb the emotional pain. Gibbs was thankful Tim hadn't hit the wall more than a couple of times and the fact that there was no blood and no dangling misshapen fingers was a good sign.
"Yeah, I got that much, McGee! Why does that mean you have to hurt yourself like this?" Gibbs asked with anger born of parental outrage that his surrogate child would deliberately hurt himself repeatedly.
"I didn't set out to do it because it hurt me, I just struck out at the wall because I didn't know how else to vent. Guess, after I'd done it, it crossed my mind that this pain would numb everything else." Tim's voice dropped to a near whisper.
"Are you looking to get put in a psych ward?" Gibbs pushed firmly with enough anger that Tim would know the boss wasn't gonna tolerate this any longer.
If Tim kept on like this, that was exactly where he was headed and there wasn't a hell ova lot Gibbs could do to stop it. If this kind of hurting himself scuttlebutt got going at work, Tim's career would be in jeopardy. Gibbs would have to jump through serious hoops to salvage it and he would do it. But, he sincerely hoped it wouldn't come to that.
"What? No!" Tim exclaimed in disbelief.
"Then stop this! You hear me? You forget what I told you?" Gibbs kept on, letting his anger fuel his questions, hoping to kick-start this kid's brain back in the right direction.
"Yes, Sir. I had forgotten." Tim admitted quietly. Gibbs promise resounded through his brain, now.
"You don't have to worry about this going any further or it affecting your job, unless you let it."
" As a matter of fact; my promise that your place on the team is safe, comes with the stipulation that you don't continue to handle this without help. Understand?"
The tone of his voice coupled with the 'Sir' raised Gibbs' red flag even higher. Gibbs was fairly 'sure Tim hadn't broken or dislocated something, but he'd call Ducky in on this just to be on the safe side. Right now, he needed to concentrate on getting Tim's head back on straight.
"Right. Get your ass outta this shower and get dressed. If you're not out here in 3 minutes, I'm comin back in here!" Gibbs firmly ordered, knowing Tim wouldn't disobey an order from him; especially with the fuel for serious thinking that Gibbs had just thrown at him.
Gibbs retreated to the living room to find a very shaken Tony trying not worry. "Tony. Do I need to tell you that this didn't happen?" Gibbs demanded quietly.
"I'm not followin', Boss." Tony blearily opened his eyes and looked Gibbs square on.
"It's simple, Tony. None of this happened." Gibbs repeated with steel in his voice.
"Oh, Yeah. Right. I got It.! So, where are we going for breakfast?" Tony's words followed along with the Boss' order, but his eyes sure as hell didn't and neither did the feeling in his gut.
"Head back to my place. Call the team. Tell them I said bring something for breakfast and meet at my place. And Tony. No talk about McGee or the way he's been acting these last few weeks! And no one better mention that assassin's name!" Gibbs tone booked no argument. "Make damn sure Ducky's there, too, but don't tell him about this."
"On it, Boss!" Tony said with his normal waspish tone he saved for times he was following an order he didn't like.
Gibbs didn't call him on it. He knew Tony was upset at being left out of whatever was going on with McGee. If Gibbs had any say in the matter, he would have handed Tim off to Tony's big brother persona the night Gibbs followed McGee home. But, it had become glaringly obvious that McGee wasn't ready to deal with 'Big brother' yet. Hopefully, that time would come soon, not because Gibbs didn't want to be dealing with this, but because Tim needed to know that he could count on all of his team mates to help him through this, a hell ova lot more than he realized.
"Tony. He'll come to you when he's ready. Be patient." Gibbs advised compassionately.
"You really think he will." Tony's question was so full of hope and concern; it brought a twinge of regret to Tim's heart, as he listened silently from the bathroom doorway. He regretted that they didn't have a stronger relationship. He really could have used a big brother in his life, a long time ago. But, the frat brother that was Tony would have only made things worse for Tm. He needed the real big brother who was there in times of trouble, to encourage and support, to pull and push him to go on, to not give up. Frat brothers did the stuff Tim had suffered through in high school and he didn't need another drop of any of it. God, if only Tony knew how desperately Tim wished things were different between them!
"Yeah, Tony. I'm sure. Now, go on." the boss encouraged with a smile as Tony saluted the boss and left.
Turning back toward the hallway, Gibbs stopped in his tracks as he noticed Tim standing in the bathroom door, tears in his eyes and regret etched across his face.