Disclaimer: See last chapter
~ Chapter Thirteen ~
~ Sonny ~
I wake up again.
I didn't even want to wake up, more so than last time and yet here I am, opening my eyes. Why can't I get anything right? I can't even die.
I sigh as I look outside my hospital window at my mum, she just looks at me sadly and turns away, not coming in this time but instead talking to a young doctor. I close my eyes and imagine being somewhere else, anywhere other than this place. As long as it was away from here, I don't care. As far away from these pure white walls, closing in on me. They were so clean unlike me. I can't even stand looking at them anymore, it's not fair. I shouldn't be here, the only people who should be stuck in this place is those who need help, those who deserve help. Even if I did need help, I will never deserve it.
Five words just keep running through my mind, I can't even kill myself.
I close my eyes wishing I could go back in time and change everything I let myself become, everything I had let myself become. This wasn't the Hollywood life I had imagined, I didn't want this, I didn't mean to. Things got out of hand and now I don't know how to make everything better, I don't know how to change everything. I don't know what to do.
A lone tear falls down my cheek and I turn on my side, it all would have been so much better if I had died. It would have been so much easier, not just for me but for everyone else.
It's not long until I am out of hospital, everything was getting too much in there, I just wanted to go home and see my friends – well after the other night, friend – April.
Tawni, Nico and Grady probably never want to see me again and I don't blame them, not after what I have done to them. I wouldn't hate them if they never want to speak to me again, never wanted to be my friend again. I would probably feel the same if it was one of them.
I don't know what came over me that night, I don't know what had happened to me. It seems like everything had built up and I took it out on the only people who have ever loved me, who accepted for me for everything I was and who understood. I had lost the first real friends I ever had thanks to my own weaknesses, I couldn't even handle being in Hollywood. I don't know why I ruined everything, I only ended up damaging my own hopes and dreams. I am only hurting myself.
I sling my bag over my shoulder, I hadn't been anywhere since I got out of hospital a few days ago, I have been completely numb, just laying in my bed, trying to not think, not to do anything really. I just lay there, looking up at my ceiling. I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't drink, I wouldn't even bother with the drugs I had hidden under my floorboard. I couldn't move or speak, I just thought about how I shouldn't be here right now, today was the first day I actually got out of bed.
I sigh loudly and look at the floorboard which I know my secret stash of pot and cocaine is under, I shake my head and bite down on lip, I have managed to go this long without any so I can go some more. I walk out of my bedroom, smiling at my mum before grabbing a piece of toast, telling him that I am going to the studios and walk out as quickly as I can before she can stop me. She seems protective of my at the moment, I know she has every right to be. I would be as well, but I need to get something sorted. Well try to get something sorted.
I walk into the prop room, sighing, I knew I wasn't allowed to be here but I only needed to speak to my friends. I only needed to say sorry. I grinned when I saw them,
"Guys!" Nico and Grady nodded, looking away from me and Tawni looked behind me, trying to avoid my eyes,
"Please... don't ignore me." I whisper to them, looking down at the floor,
"What? Do you want to be best friends again after everything you have done?"
"I don't expect you to but I need you to know how sorry I am and it will never happen again. I am so sorry." I look at them hoping for some reaction,
"Sorry doesn't cut it Sonny, come on guys." Tawni walked away from her, dragging Nico and Grady with her,
"Please!" I shout behind them,
"Until you get yourself sorted out, we ain't allowed to hang around with you." Tawni sighed, turning around a little before walking off again. I nodded and watched them walk away, Nico looking at me and mouthing sorry. I was the one who was supposed to be sorry, not them. Not him, never him.
It should be me.
I shake my head and realize my whole body is shaking, I look around and sigh, I couldn't take this anymore. I ran all the way home, ignoring my mum as I ran past her and into my bedroom. I locked the door behind me and lifted up the floorboard, staring at the stash that I had hidden so long ago. I look away for a minute, trying to talk myself out of it, trying to give myself reasons for why I shouldn't do it but there always seems to be more reasons to do it. It always seems to be going towards the one thing I know I shouldn't do, the one thing I should hate.
I smile to myself as I grab the packet, almost greedily.
This was who I am, this was my life from now and I was just going to accept that.