A/N: The word "bicce" was borrowed from the fic Quagmire by kataja. Thanks!

CHAPTER 13

Just like our first day the Jedi Academy, the ten of us original students sit in the meditation garden for a meeting with Luke. But unlike our first meeting, none of us are in good spirits. We all know why Luke has called us here. He wants to discuss what happened with Kyp Durron.

We sit silently, waiting for Luke to begin speaking. Before he does, he looks all of us straight in the eye. When he gets to me, I glare daggers at him. He blinks and looks away.

"Thank you all for coming," Luke says. "I know that you have questions about recent events, and you deserve to hear from me first hand exactly what transpired."

Luke takes a deep breath before launching into the story. "Yesterday, Kyp Durron attacked a fellow student. This student was able to hold him off and reach out to me to let me know what was happening. Kyp escaped, but I followed him to Exar Kun's temple, where he had fled. Once there, I found that he was no longer himself. He had been possessed by Exar Kun's spirit.

"Thankfully, I was able to reach out to the part of Kyp that was still trapped inside. After a fight, he pushed Exar Kun's spirit out of his body, and expressed extreme remorse for what he had done. While possessed, Kyp could not recall his actions, but afterwards, he remembered everything he had done while under Kun's influence, including killing his friend, who had been trying to save him. And knowing what he had done almost destroyed him."

Luke pauses for a moment, and I can sense his apprehension about what he is about to say, even though he has the utmost conviction that he is right. "I want to explain to you my reasoning for accepting Kyp back at the Academy. First, Kyp is extremely strong in the Force, but he does not know how to harness or control that power. If he is expelled from the Academy and left to learn on his own, it can be almost guaranteed that he will slip back under the influence of the dark side. I'm sure you all can agree that is not a desirable situation.

Even I can admit he has a point there.

"But most of all, I forgive Kyp because it is the Jedi way. If any of you take the time to speak with him, you will find that he hates himself more right now than anyone else possibly could. He has shown repentance, and being who I am, I have to accept that.

Luke stares at me directly when he says his next words. "I know that some of you may not understand this, and even disagree outright. I urge you to please talk to me if you have any misgivings. I truly value all of your opinions, and want you to all feel comfortable in your place in the Jedi Order."

I look away from his gaze, suddenly no longer certain in my beliefs about Kyp Durron. Corran shifts beside me and I glance at him. His expression is as hard as durasteel.

Tyria raises her hand. "Master Skywalker, what about Exar Kun? Has he been defeated permanently?"

Luke shakes his head. "I don't know, Tyria. I sense that the dark side is still strong inside the temple. For now, it will remain off limits."

Nobody else speaks, so Luke dismisses us all. Corran, Tyria, and I walk inside together.

"You don't approve," I say to Corran.

"Do you?" he shoots back.

"Not really."

He gives me a sympathetic look. "Must be difficult for you."

"You could say that. What about you, Tyria?"

She shrugs. "I dunno. If Kyp really does feel remorse, and Master Skywalker thinks he should be forgiven, who are we to say otherwise?"

"He killed someone, Tyria!" Corran hisses.

"I know that! I didn't say we should just forget about it. But he wasn't himself. It could have been any one of us who did those things."

Corran shakes his head. "No. Durron was weak and susceptible. A Jedi should be stronger than that."

His words sting me to no end, especially considering Luke's accusation from the previous night.

"You forgave me, Corran," I say softly.

He stiffens, surprised by my tone. "That's different."

"Is it?"

"I thought you said you didn't approve?"

"I didn't. I don't…I don't know. I guess…I guess after hearing Luke's explanation, it's not as black and white as I originally thought."

"Is that you talking, or is that your boyfriend's influence?"

"He's not my boyfriend, Corran, and don't make me hit you."

Tyria punches him, hard.

"Ow! What was that for, Tyria?"

"Because that was a stupid thing to say."

"Sorry. Anyway, I still don't agree."

"You should talk to Master Skywalker about it," Tyria advises.

"I know. But I'm tempted to just leave."

"And quit your training? Mirax would kill you!" I tell him.

"Yeah, she probably would," he agrees. "I've been here long enough already. I guess I should finish what I've started. But I'm still not happy. What about you, Mara?"

I sigh. "You know I'm staying. But I'm not happy, either."

We walk the rest of the way in silence. Part of me knows that Luke is right…but the other part of me just cannot learn to forgive.

Several hours later, after the Academy has grown quiet, after darkness has taken over the jungle moon, I feel Luke's presence burning through the Force like a beacon, calling me to him. No matter what I do, no matter how angry with him I may be, I cannot shy away from him.

I check everywhere in the Academy, but he is nowhere to be found. His X-wing is still parked inside the hangar, so there is only one other place on the moon where he could be. It is the reason why his spirit is burning so brightly in agony. Even though it's off limits, I have no choice but to go there. I have to talk to him.

When I arrive, I find Luke standing in the middle of Exar Kun's temple. He holds his lightsaber firmly in his grip, but it's not ignited. He is motionless, seemingly not even breathing, as if he is in a far away place.

I approach him slowly, not wanting to startle him. He seems so distant. I know that he has not sensed my presence.

"Luke?"

He blinks once at my whisper.

I reach my hand up to touch his face. He stiffens, but he does not pull away. He continues to stare straight ahead at the altar, standing alone, oblivious to everything else around him, including me.

It is such a fitting testament to his current place in the galaxy.

"Luke?" I whisper again. He finally turns and stares right through me with his bright blue eyes, as if he doesn't even see me.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" They are such stupid questions, but they are all I can think of at this moment.

He looks back at the altar.

"Can I help you?"

He shakes his head.

"Please, let me help you."

He doesn't respond, so I lift up on my toes to place a soft kiss on his cheek.

He murmurs a soft "No," and his lightsaber drops to the floor with a loud clang as his hands ball into fists. I feel him gather the Force around him, ready to push me away at a moment's notice, and I brace myself, preparing myself for the onslaught…

Instead, Luke whips around and pulls me to him in a searing kiss. For a moment I remain completely still, but his lips feel so hot against mine as they urge my mouth open and I just cannot find the strength to resist him. His fingers tear into my hair and it hurts, but I embrace the pain and kiss him back with fervor, hoisting myself up on his shoulders and squeezing my legs around his hips. His hands travel down my body and he tears his lips from my mouth, raking kisses down my throat, down my chest, and I arch my back against him in ecstasy, his name falling from my lips in hoarse, throaty whispers. Our mouths connect together once again and our tongues dance against each other and I see stars.

But even through such intense passion, something deep inside tells me to stop, that this cannot happen this way, that this is very wrong; but I refuse, entranced by the feel of Luke's body against mine…

Then I am flying through the air as he shoves me off him, the "No!" that he utters this time much louder on his lips. I stare at him, dumbfounded, from my place on the floor. He paces frantically, muttering to himself.

"Control, control, you must learn control!"

As I push myself up, he turns around to face me. His nostrils flare with passion and regret and intense self-loathing. "We can't do this," he states, his voice emotionless.

For a moment, I cannot even think. Then my jaw sets in disbelief, once again remembering Corran's words of advice: Try not to get hurt.

If only it were that easy.

Furious, I stalk towards him until we are standing face to face. "I told you not to do this if you couldn't follow through, Skywalker," I snarl, pointing at his face. He tries to turn away but I grab him before he can move. "I don't believe you!" I cry, tugging his robes so hard that I might as well be strangling him. "After all we've been through, after all that we feel, you're still hung up on this damn attachment issue, aren't you?"

Luke glares back at me with unblinking eyes…and then he says something I never thought I'd ever hear him admit, even though I know that he has thought it so many times:

"It would just be so much easier if you weren't here."

I release my hold on him and back away slowly, trying to ignore the scorching pain in my heart upon hearing his words. Tears well up in my eyes but I blink them away, refusing to let him see me so vulnerable, willing myself to focus on my anger rather than my pain. "Really?" my voice comes out, choked. "Is that what you really think?"

I can tell that, even now, Luke is deeply upset at hurting me, but he doesn't say no.

I draw myself up to my full height and think back to all my training under Palpatine from so many years ago. I shield my thoughts from Luke, not wanting him to know just how much his words have hurt me…just how much I really care.

"All right, Skywalker," I say, jutting my chin forward. "If that's the case, you just say the word, and I'm gone. You can go on training everyone without me being a complication, and I'll go back to working for Karrde and not having my heart ripped out every time I look at you and know that I can't have you. Problem solved."

Of course, he can't make it easy for himself, or for me. He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. "I can't ask you to do that, Mara."

"Why not?" I press.

"…Because I—"

"Don't you dare say it!" I exclaim. "Not now, not like this."

He looks away from me. "You deserve to be here. I can't ask you to give up being a Jedi just because I can't control myself."

"Oh, so you think this is so easy for me, huh?" I demand, my voice becoming shrill, so unlike the Emperor's Hand that everyone thinks they know. "You think it'll be so easy for me to finish my training with you just barely out of reach, finally get Knighted, and then—what? Stay here at the Academy and watch you slowly take control of everything? Watch you deny yourself everything that makes you human? Get sent off on missions that could possibly end my life, all for a person who won't even allow himself to care for me?"

"I allowed myself to care and look what happened!" he screams. "A man is dead and another let himself be possessed by darkness, all because of me!"

"It's not because of you!" I yell, resisting the urge to shake him and make him realize how stupid he is being. "Why can't you see that?"

"Why can't you see that I'm right about this? You heard what Kun said! I let myself become so infatuated with you that I couldn't even see what was going on right in front of me! How can I possibly lead the Jedi Order when I let myself act like that?"

"Like what, like a normal human being?" Unable to control myself, I lash out at him, my fists pounding hard against his chest, forcing him to stumble backwards. "You can be such a stupid idiot, you know that? A stupid, kriffing idiot!"

He grabs my wrists and holds them together with one hand. "And you can be such a heartless bicce, so I guess that makes us even."

A lone tear threatens to fall down my cheek upon hearing his insult, but my anger is far too intense to let me cry. I wipe the tear from my face so hard that my cheek burns. "I just don't get you, Luke. You'll forgive him but you won't forgive yourself for being happy?" I ask incredulously.

Now he is the one to lash out, and I have to brace myself from the anger that pushes out from him in waves. "Oh, you should talk, Mara!"

I didn't think it possible, but my expression hardens even more. "Don't even go there, Luke!" I warn.

"What, you want to deny it? You've been here almost five months and I keep telling that you have to face your past, yet you refuse to do so! Why, Mara? Why can't you forgive yourself for what you once were?"

"Just because you throw out forgiveness like it's a door prize doesn't mean it's as easy for me to do the same!"

"But this is your life, Mara—your forgiveness! You can't go on living this way, not forgiving yourself for what Palpatine did to you!"

I rush forward and attack him again, punching him hard with my fists, infuriated beyond belief that he would say such a thing. "You have no idea, Skywalker, so don't you even try to understand!"

Luke blocks my blows with ease and pins my arms against my sides. He glares down at me with cloudy, intense eyes. "Make me."

Even though I know that he could never even come close to understanding what I've been through, I can't stop myself from responding, from finally releasing every pent up fear and regret that I've kept inside for so many years.

"You just don't get it, Luke—you beat him! You stood in front of him, after he had done everything that he could to turn you to the dark side, and you said no. You threw down your lightsaber, and you said no. He tortured you, and you still said no! That's what you said happened, right?"

I tear myself away from him, but now that the words are out, I can't stop. "But me? Palpatine plucked me from my happy little home and bent me entirely to his will. I was his experiment," I say the word like a curse. "That's all I was to the entire galaxy—a sick, twisted man's experiment! And I spent my entire life wanting nothing more than to serve him—wanting to be the best little assassin I could be.

"After he died, I was broken, and I struggled so hard to build a new life for myself. I thought I had succeeded, but even five long years after the Emperor's death, when I was finally starting to gain a sense of independence, I still found myself compelled to do his bidding. Even though you helped me learn that everything he ever told me was a complete and utter lie, Palpatine's hold over me was so strong that, when it all came to a head, I still did it. I did exactly what he ordered me to do."

I pause, allowing myself to breathe again, once again brushing the tears away from my eyes, refusing to let myself cry in front of him.

"What are you talking about, Mara?" Luke whispers.

"You will kill Luke Skywalker!" I explode. "I heard that voice every day inside my head after Endor, and when I finally found you, I wanted nothing more than to give in and kill you for ruining my life, and make the voice stop! But then I was faced with the truth—that nothing was what it was supposed to be—and I knew right then and there that I could never kill you. Even more than that, I realized that, despite everything I said at the time, I no longer wanted to. I was already starting to care.

"But in the end…I still gave in."

"I'm right here, Mara," Luke says, his voice a stark contrast to what it was mere seconds ago. He closes the distance between us, reaching out to take my hand, but I pull away before he can touch me. "You didn't kill me."

"But I still gave in!" I cry. "I didn't kill your clone to save your life, or even to save my own life. I killed your clone because Palpatine told me to! It was his last command, and I had to follow it. And when I killed the clone, and the voice finally stopped, I was elated! I was finally free!

"But then the realization set in—that even after so many years, after building a new life for myself, after knowing that everything he ever taught me had been a lie…I still couldn't say no to him.

"But you could, Luke—you did! You have no idea the strength it took for you to be able to do that! And yet here you are, still killing yourself with worry and doubt about whether or not you'll be able to resist the dark side, and it sickens me, because I envy you so much for being able to stand up to the Emperor and beat him, and you can't even begin to understand!"

I finally stop shouting. The temple grows deathly quiet. I stare at the side of Luke's face, panting heavily, waiting for him to say something. But he doesn't speak; he doesn't even have the decency to look at me after I've confessed my most secret thoughts.

Suddenly I can't take it anymore. Before I can stop myself, I say something so horrible that it almost makes me physically ill to hear coming out of my mouth:

"You have no idea how much I hate you right now, Skywalker."

He doesn't respond. He doesn't even flinch at my declaration.

Angered to the point of seeing red, I reach up and yank his head around to face me. "Say the word and I'm gone," I hiss, my voice cold as ice, and I desperately pray that now, after all that I have said, he will grant me my wish.

But he doesn't. He doesn't even say it back to me—that he hates me, too—because he is Luke Skywalker, and he does not know how to hate. And that makes me envy him even more, because for so many years, hate was all that that fueled me. Hate was all that I knew.

"I hate you so much," I whisper, trying so hard to convince myself of that fact, when it couldn't be farther from the truth.

He still says nothing. Finally I turn around and run away into the darkness, knowing that the only person I hate right now is myself.

I do not go to my lessons the following morning. My comlink starts buzzing early, but I do not answer. I shut it off and throw it violently against the wall, shattering it to pieces. My old soldier's instinct begins to kick in and I feel the urge to go to the mess and eat, but the urge to ignore the galaxy wins out and I pull the covers back over my head, drowning out the rising sunlight. I don't care if I miss Luke's lessons, or my private training with him later on today. There is absolutely no way I can look him in the eye after what happened between us the previous night.

I can barely even look at myself after what I said to him.

I drift back to sleep for several minutes, but then there is a loud pounding at my door that I can't ignore. I reach out with the Force and sense Corran on the other side.

"Go away!" I yell. I am not in the mood for more Rogue Squadron biting sarcasm about another late night with "Master Skywalker."

He doesn't back down. "Open up, Mara."

"Go away!"

"Open up or I'm gonna unlock the door myself!" he threatens.

"You suck at telekinesis, Horn!"

"I'll use my lightsaber if I have to!"

"Leave me alone!"

"Mara, this is important! Stop being a stubborn idiot and open the kriffing door!"

Sighing, I reach out with the Force and unlock the door. Corran appears a second later in the doorway.

"Get up," he orders. I pull the covers back over me and shake my head against my pillow. Corran crosses to the bed and rips off the covers, throwing them to the floor. He tosses me some clean clothes and orders me to get dressed before turning away.

"What the hell is your problem?" I demand, finally sitting up and pulling on a tunic, but refusing to move otherwise. "Why do you care so much if I'm missing lessons?"

Corran turns back around and stares at me. "Where is Luke?" he asks.

I blink at his use of Luke's first name. "What?"

"You don't know where he is?" he questions, with a suspicious look on his face.

"Well yeah, he's in lessons with you."

Corran shakes his head. "No, he's not. He's nowhere to be found. And I know you were with him last night, so just tell me where he is, okay, so we can all stop worrying."

"What are you talking about?" I ask, feigning ignorance.

"Mara, I came by your room late last night, because I felt that you were upset and thought you could use someone to talk to. I know you weren't here."

I don't even try to deny it. I can only think of one thing—Luke never came back to the Academy last night. My hand flies to my mouth. "I was with him, but…" I trail off, blinking back tears, unable to explain what happened between us.

"Where were you? He's not in his quarters."

I shake my head. "No, we weren't in his quarters, we were…at Exar Kun's temple."

Corran looks at me incredulously. "Why in blazes were you there? That place is still off limits!"

"I know, but I couldn't find him anywhere last night!" I explain. "I could sense that was where he was and I just had to talk to him, so I went to see him…"

"Okay, so where'd he go when you came back?"

I cringe, remembering the horrible things we said to each other. "That's the thing…we didn't come back together. I…I left him there."

Corran gapes at me. "And why would you do such a stupid thing?"

"We…we had an argument," I try to explain, but the words sound so stupid coming out of my mouth. "I couldn't bear to be near him anymore, so I left him there."

"…It must have been one hell of a fight."

"You have no idea," I whisper.

Corran rubs his face with his palms. "Okay, well now I have just one more question."

"What?"

"What are we still doing here? Hurry up and finish getting dressed!"

The two of us arrive at Kun's temple in record time. Corran parks the landspeeder next to Luke's speeder bike. All of a sudden my stomach drops out from underneath me, and an intense feeling of dread washes over my soul. I can sense Luke inside the temple…only he's not.

I run inside as fast I can, and cry out before I even realize that my mouth has opened.

Luke is lying on the altar, completely still…as if in death.

Without thinking, I rush to him and shake his shoulders, yelling his name over and over, but he doesn't respond. I put my head to his chest and feel him breathing, but it doesn't matter…it's as if he's not there. Corran rushes into the temple behind me and I hear him gasp, but I do not acknowledge him.

Because I suddenly remember with utter clarity the taunting words of Exar Kun, as they were spoken from the mouth of young Kyp Durron:

"I have won already…I will kill you, slowly…"

I collapse on the ground next to Luke and hug him close to my chest, rocking back and forth, willing him to wake up, but he does not.

Corran kneels down next to me and places his hand on my shoulder. "It'll be okay, Mara," he soothes. "He's alive. It'll be okay."

I don't respond. All I can do is whisper over and over, "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"

But Luke still does not come back to me.

He is gone.