Disclaimer: I Don't own Degrassi or Face down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
Chapter 13: Face Down
Cover
up with make up in the mirror Do
you feel like a man A pebble in the water makes a
ripple effect I see the way you go and say your right
again, Do you feel
like a man One day she will tell you that she has had enough Do you feel
like a man, when you push her around? Face down in the dirt she says, this doesn't hurt she
says I finally had enough..
tell yourself it's never gonna
happen again
you cry alone and then he swears he loves you.
when you push her around?
Do you feel
better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my
friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble
down, a new life she has found.
every action in this world will bear a
consequence
If you wade around forever you will surely drown
I
see what's going down.
say your right again
heed my lecture
when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as
she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day
this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down a new life she
has.
its
coming round again.
its coming round again.
Do you feel better now as
she falls to the grown?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this
world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she
has.
Face down in the dirt she says, this
doesn't hurt she says I finally had enough..
A month passed. Ellie avoided any serious run-ins with her mom by asking her permission to do anything and everything, the only times she had found herself on the end of her moms anger where the times she had been late back and she figured she had asked for it then anyway. She spent a lot of time doing her usual routine of tidying up after her mom and cutting but She found herself making more and more excuses to stay at Sean's, He still didn't know about her Dad leaving again or that her mom was drinking again though. She had her meeting with Sauve who was so please with her 'progress' she agreed there was little point in Ellie having regular sessions instead she just told Ellie to come when she needed too. Ellie had spent a fair bit of the last couple of weeks round at Spinner's house talking or watching movies with Paige while Spinner and Sean worked on Spinner's car which was halfway finished according to Sean.
Soon it was time for open house and Ellie was dreading it. It meant bringing her drunk mother out in public and lots of potentially awkward questions. She handed the letter inviting her mom to open house to her nervously hoping she wouldn't want to come but her mom actually seemed keen on the idea. Soon enough she found herself leading her tipsy mother round the school introducing her to teachers and trying desperately to avoid her friends especially Sean. She managed most of the evening before she bumped into Ashley and her mom made some inappropriate comments about Ashley's father and his partner before she managed to drag her away. They were heading down a corridor when Ellie suddenly spotted Sean, she tried to pull her mom into a classroom but she had already recognised him from the dinner he had come too while her dad was still home.
"Isn't that your boyfriend?" Ellie's mom asked walking away from the room Ellie had been desperately trying to pull her into.
"Sean isn't it?" She asked as Ellie gave up rolling her eyes
"Nice to see you again Mrs Nash" Sean said looking at Ellie confused. Ellie cursed slightly, because she knew he still though she was sober.
"Aren't your parents coming to see this fine auto shop display?" She asked
"Actually I Live alone" Sean told her
"Not lately" Ellie's mom snapped "Sometimes I forget what Ellie looks like"
"Mom we should go…" Ellie protested biting her lip
"No, I'm talking to your boyfriend!" she told her slapping away Ellie's hand. "She spends way to much time at your house"
"Look I care for her ok" Sean told Ellie's mom defensively
"Not ok" her mom replied grabbing Ellie's arm roughly arm and dragging her away from a very confused Sean.
"Mom!" Ellie said angrily pulling her arm back "He's my boyfriend you can't talk to him like that"
"I can talk to whoever I want, however I like, you can't tell me what to do" her mom hissed pinning her against the lockers
"Ok, ok. sorry" Ellie apologised quickly and her mom let go of her just as Marco rounded the corner with his dad.
"Hey Ellie" Marco smiled "Mrs Nash" he nodded to Ellie's mom
"Hey Marco, Mum you remember Marco?" Ellie asked her Mom
"Oh yes Marco" Ellie's mom replied "and you must be Marco's dad"
Ellie shuffled her feet impatiently as the parents talked briefly
"Anyway mom we were just leaving weren't we?" she interrupted the conversation glaring at her Mom
"Well I'll see you tomorrow then" Marco nodded
"Bye Marco, Bye Mr Del Rossi" Ellie smiled before dragging her mom towards the front door
"How dare you drag me away when I'm talking to someone!" her mom spat angrily as they started to walk home
"I was just trying to stop you making a fool of yourself" Ellie told her
"I wasn't going to make a fool of myself" her mom said angrily "I'm your mother Eleanor show me some respect"
"Sorry" Ellie replied rolling her eyes
"Don't you roll your eyes at me!" her mom said angrily "You know this is exactly the type of behaviour that makes your dad leave" her mom hissed as they reached their house. The second her mom said it Ellie knew she was in trouble. "Get in" her mom told her
Ellie ducked under her arm and entered the house wondering what her mom was going to do to her.
Ellie watched nervously as her mom entered the house and locked the door. She ignored Ellie and headed into the kitchen to get some vodka. Ellie breathed a sigh of relief and took off her coat, placing it on its usual peg she started to head upstairs towards the bathroom.
"Where are you going?" her mom enquired
"upstairs" Ellie replied
"Did I say you could go upstairs yet?" her mom asked before taking a long drink from the vodka bottle in her hand.
"No you didn't" Ellie replied looking at the floor and stepping off the bottom stair.
"Your dad hasn't rung in three days" her mom told her "I think he's avoiding you"
"What?" Ellie asked looking up at her mom
"I told you, you're the reason he goes away all the time, before we had you he didn't need to go away, then we had you and he couldn't bare to be around you so he joined the army to get away from you." She told her. Part of Ellie knew all of what her mom was saying was lies but another part of her believed every word. "You know what makes you so unbearable?"
"What?" Ellie replied warily knowing she wouldn't like the answer
"You're a selfish little freak, All you ever did when you were small was scream and cry and try and get everybody's attention all the time, Remember when your dad came home early and you just cried and cried at him till he sent me away? You wanted him all to yourself didn't you? So you could have all his attention. You know He only gives you attention because he has to. He doesn't love you, he Pities you because all you ever want is everyone's attention." She spat in Ellie's face "Selfish little freak"
"That's not true" Ellie protested "I don't want attention and he does love me, he said he does" she felt like a small child as her mother bore down on her
"He never sticks around because he can't stand you!" she yelled "and I can't either, I have to drink to be near you."
"But he loves me" Ellie whispered quietly
"He doesn't love you, face it Ellie you will never be more than a worthless little selfish freak who thinks the entire world revolves around her." Her mom said inching closer
"Sorry" Ellie said as she found her mothers face barely and inch from hers
"Saying sorry wont change anything." Her mom told her grabbing her collar. Ellie closed her eyes ready to feel herself fly into something. "I should never have had you, all you've been is trouble. You're a Mistake." Ellie felt tears well up in her eyes as she hit the stairs, she felt pins and needles spread up her arm as she landed on it awkwardly. She opened her eyes to see her mom had finally given up and disappeared into the living room with her bottle of vodka. She waited half an hour to make sure she wasn't coming back before hurrying upstairs, she couldn't take it anymore. She threw some stuff into a bag and snuck out of the house and headed straight to Sean's.
---
"Ellie what are you doing here?" Sean asked concerned as he spotted a shaken Ellie on his doorstep.
"I thought you could do with some company" She lied forcing a lopsided smile onto her face.
"Oh ok" Sean nodded letting her in even though she had a feeling she was lying "what was with your mom at the open house earlier?" he asked as the door clicked shut and Ellie collapsed on the sofa.
"Oh she was having a bad day" Ellie shrugged
"She looked drunk" Sean commented
"Of course the wasn't drunk" Ellie said her voice faltering a little
"Ellie is there something you want to tell me?" Sean asked his voice containing such a mixture of emotions Ellie couldn't tell if he was angry or worried.
"About what?" Ellie asked folding her arms across her chest
"How about your Mom being drunk, you said she only got drunk when your dad went away." Sean said sitting down next to her "You also said she was going to AA meetings and if she broke any of the promises she made you, you would tell your dad"
"He's gone again ok." Ellie snapped standing up
"What?" Sean said not expecting Ellie's reaction
"He left a few weeks ago and she's drinking again, happy?" Ellie snapped
"Why didn't you tell me?" Sean asked concerned
"I figured you didn't need the extra worry." Ellie shrugged with a sigh
"You should have told me instead of dealing with it by yourself" Sean told her
"I know I should of ok. But I wasn't exactly thinking straight" Ellie sighed "I came over to get away from her for a bit is that ok?" she added
"Of course it is." Sean nodded
"Sean?" Ellie asked as she sat back down next to him and let out a sigh "Do you think I'm an attention seeker?"
"Of course not, Why would you ask that?" Sean replied confused
"No reason" Ellie shrugged
---
The next day Ellie nervously returned home. She stepped inside expecting her mom to scream and yell at her but instead the house was quiet. She found her mom asleep on the sofa in the living room. She quickly cleared up the bottles and threw an old blanket on her before heading into the kitchen where she started to make herself a sandwich as the phone rang, Ellie ran to pick the phone up quickly so it wouldn't wake her mom.
"Hello Nash residence" Ellie said fiddling with the cable.
"Hello is that Mrs Judy Nash?" an official sounding voice echoed down the line
"No it's her Daughter, Sorry she's busy at the moment can I take a message?" Ellie told the stranger
"Is there any chance at all she could come to the phone? It's very important." The man told Ellie.
"I'll see if she can" Ellie told him before putting the phone down and entering the living room
"Mom? Mom there's a Man on the phone for you" Ellie told her
"Dave?" She asked
"No another man, not dad" Ellie told her rolling her eyes "It's important"
"I'm coming, I'm coming" Ellie mom said pulling herself up and accepting Ellie's help to the phone.
"Hello?" she said down the line collecting herself together to talk to the stranger.
Ellie headed back into the kitchen to finish her sandwich, she listened closely to her moms side of the conversation as she spread the butter.
"Yes" Her mom said to the man
"No it can't be." She said
"But I talked to him last night" she protested
"I don't believe you." She continued to protest, Ellie crept to the door and opened it a little
"This can't be happening" her mom said Ellie could see tears in her eyes
"I won't believe it until I see him" she told the stranger and Ellie felt a jolt of worry wondering what the phone call was about
"When will it be?" she asked "Monday? At the base."
"No I'm fine." Her mom told the stranger
"I can't believe this is happening" she shook her head letting a few tears fall
"Thanks." She said hanging up the phone she took a minute wiping her eyes before she came storming towards the kitchen. Ellie jumped back from the door as it flew open.
"Look what you've done now!" She yelled
"What?" Ellie asked worriedly
"Your father is dead and it's all your fault!" she screamed
"What?!" Ellie said backing up tears springing in her eyes.
"You're the reason he join the stupid army, you're the reason he's dead!" she screamed grabbing her daughter angrily "This is all your fault!" she screamed punching her in the face and then the stomach before throwing her at the kitchen table. Ellie hit the table hard and it broke. Her mom picked up the nearest thing too her which happened to be a plate and threw it straight at Ellie who only just moved out of the way in time.
"I wish you had never been born!" she yelled angrily at Ellie who was now in a pile on the floor, she watched as mom left sobbing. Once she had disappeared Ellie reached for the closest sharp item which happened to be a piece of plate. She rolled up her sleeve to revel her wound covered arms and pressed down hard over and over. She sat there for a few minutes just concentrating on the wounds on her arms before she realised she had to get out of there for a bit. She stemmed the blood from her arms with a couple of tea towels, once it had slowed she pulled her sleeves down and hurried out of the house towards Sean's.
---
Sean was shocked to find Ellie on his doorstep the second day in a row, but he was even more surprised when she collapsed sobbing into his arms.
"Woah El what's the matter?" he asked pulling her inside and shutting the door.
"Mom just got a phone call." She said in between sobs "dads dead."
"Oh god Ellie that's awful" Sean said holding her close as she sobbed.
"It's all my fault" Ellie muttered
"Ellie it's not your fault at all" Sean said looking her in the eyes
"Yes it is. I'm the reason he joined the army, he joined to get away from me so it's all my fault he's dead" Ellie told Sean repeating what her mom had told her earlier
"I'm sure that's not true" Sean told her
"It's my fault" Ellie sobbed "I'm a stupid mistake"
"Woah El where's all of this coming from?" Sean asked softly "Why would you think it's your fault and that you're a mistake"
"She said so" Ellie replied
"Who said so?" Sean asked
"No one" Ellie said pulling away from Sean not wanting to tell him what her mother had been up too
"Ellie what the hell is going on?" Sean asked as she backed away from him
"I should have come here" Ellie said shaking her head ignoring his question "I'm just attention seeking like I always do, I need to be home. Mom might need me. No matter what she says she still needs me" Ellie rambled realising that her mom might try and drown her sorrows like she did at Christmas.
"Ellie I'm not letting you go anywhere." Sean protested "You aren't in a state to go anywhere, stay here for a bit and calm down ok?"
"No I have to go!" Ellie said trying to fight her way to the door.
"Ellie you're staying here." Sean told her come on
"But…" Ellie protested
"Your staying here at least until you calm down" he told her
She protested and tried to fight him off but ended up collapsing in his arms.
"Are you ok?" he asked concerned as her sobbing slowed
"I'm fine" She replied a second later opening the door "I'm sorry I'm just in shock right now, I should have stayed with my mom, she needs me"
"I understand, it's got to have been a big shock" Sean said pulling her into a hug "but I think you should stay here tonight, just to calm down a bit. I can help distract you from cutting and we'll go check your mom tomorrow morning together ok?"
"Ok" Ellie replied feeling guilty because Sean still thought she had stopped cutting. "But mum was pretty upset, she might drink too much…"
"Ellie worry about yourself for a change ok." Sean told her "You need to calm down and then if you want to we'll go se your mom tonight if you don't want to wait until tomorrow." Ellie nodded "Come on" Sean said leading her towards the sofa. He sat down and she sat down next to him and let him take her into his arms. Silent tears were still rolling down her face and her arms stung reminding her of what she had happened the in kitchen before she left.
---
Ellie was still in shock later that night but she had calmed down a fair bit, They decided to put off checking up on her mom until the next day so Sean produced a hoody and some old Jogging bottoms for Ellie to wear as Pyjamas. She took them gratefully before heading into the bedroom to change while Sean made them some hot chocolate.
"Here you…" Sean started as he pushed the bedroom door open a cup of hot chocolate in each hand and looked in. He was defiantly not prepared for the sight that met him. Ellie was just pulling the hoody on and he caught a glimpse of her back which was covered in bruises and old scars.
"Jesus El what happened?" He asked worried putting the cups down and walking over to her
"What?" she said panicked holding the sleeves of the hoody down worried he'd seen some of the fresh cuts and wounds on her arms.
"Where did you get all those bruises on your back?" Sean said coming over to her side, the only other bruises like those that he'd seen before had been on Craig the other year when his father had been beating him.
"Oh it's nothing" Ellie blushed "did you make those hot chocolates?"
"Yes but how about you tell me what happened first?" Sean asked as she turned away from him putting her clothes in a pile and avoiding his eyes
"I had a collision with a table, that's all" Ellie shrugged her back still facing him. His mind was working over times as he started putting a few things together and came up with the only logical answer he could think of.
"Did your mom do that to you?" he concluded. Ellie spun round angrily
"Oh course not" she snapped
"Are you telling the truth?" Sean asked and she looked down at her feet
"Of course…" Ellie replied still looking at her feet her voice sounding unsure.
"Ellie look me in the eyes and tell me your mom didn't do that to you!" Sean said a hint of anger entering his voice although he didn't mean to sound threatening, Ellie viable stepped backwards. She was frozen, she wanted to lie to him and say she didn't but she just couldn't so she just kept looking at the floor and bit her lip nervously.
"She did, didn't she" Sean answered for her. Ellie looked into his eyes tears now making their way down her face and nodded. Sean put his arms around her and held her close. "Your staying here, I Don't care what you say you can't go back to that"
"But she needs me…" Ellie said pulled away "She only does it when she's drunk she doesn't know what she's doing and without dad she's probably drinking herself into a coma, she needs me Sean"
"Ellie your shouldn't have to look after her all the time just for her abuse you every time she's in a bad mood" Sean told her
"She doesn't abuse me, she just gets… angry sometimes" Ellie said defiantly
"You just admitted she did it, Ellie that's abuse!" Sean told her anger rising in his voice again "Look, Move in with me. You can't go back to that. If you go home again I'm going to go to Sauve and get her to tell child protection services, I wont let you get hurt by that woman."
"Look I can't move out and I deserve it anyway" Ellie snapped trying to walk towards the door of Sean's apartment
"Ellie you don't deserve to be hurt like that" Sean said raising his voice "She doesn't care about you and I won't just stand by and let you get hurt over and over by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally"
"I just got my dad killed, I'm an attention seeking, worthless, selfish liar and I deserve to be punished" Ellie said her face flushing red
"What the hell has she been telling you?" Sean said worriedly moving closer to her "You didn't get your dad killed, you don't attention seek at all, your not worthless, you are certainly not selfish or a liar and you defiantly do not need to be punished in anyway. Don't believe a word she's told you"
"But she's my Mom, why would she lie to me?" Ellie protested
"I don't know El, but I know you and I know you are none of those things you just described ok?" Sean told her "You need to get away from that woman, please stay here, stay with me" Sean said grabbing her arm "Drunk or sober its still abuse whether you think you deserve it or not!"
"I can't leave her though, she needs me" Ellie told him "what if she gets too drunk and dies? Then I'll be responsible for both my parent's deaths"
"Ellie I told you, you aren't responsible for your dad's death and your mom will be just fine." Sean assured her "What are you going to do? Keep going back till one day she puts you in hospital?"
"I'd deserve it" Ellie replied in a whisper sinking down to the floor and wrapping her arms round her legs
"Please" He begged "She's hurting you El, its wrong and you don't deserve it at all." Sean added as he knelt down beside her. "Will you move in with me or am I going to Sauve?" he asked her softly and Ellie looked up at him.
"Make it stop Sean" She whispered quietly.
"I will" he promised as he wrapped his arms round her and held her tight wondering how on earth Ellie's mom could hurt her like that.
---
Ellie nervously headed back to her house the next morning hand in hand with Sean. They should have been in school but they both decided this couldn't wait, Especially Ellie who was extremely worried still that her mom would have drunk too much the night before.
"I'll go in first" Ellie told him
"No. we'll go together." Sean protested
"Are you sure?" Ellie looked up at him
"Of course." He replied simply.
They entered the house together and Ellie pulled her hand out of his. She opened the living room door and found her mom a sleep on the sofa. Ellie let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding as she saw her mom was ok.
"I told you she'd be fine" Sean whispered in her ear "why don't we let her sleep and leave a note to say where you've gone?"
"Ok" Ellie agreed
They headed up to Ellie's room where Ellie packed two bags with all her all her most essential stuff (including her CD case which she slipped in when Sean wasn't looking) and as many clothes as she could fit. Once she was packed Ellie started writing a note.
Mom.
I'm going to stay at Sean's for awhile. What you've been doing to me is wrong and Sean says he's going to go to Child Protection services if I don't move out of here so I'm going to move in with him for a bit. I'm sorry to leave you especially just after the news about dad, but this is the best thing I can do right now for both of us. Once dad's funeral is arranged call me at Sean's and tell me when it will be, I'll talk to you then.
Love Ellie
"I don't know what else to put" Ellie said handing over the letter to him to read.
"I think that should do it." Sean nodded
"Well maybe we should get moving" Ellie said taking the letter back off Sean.
"Yeah ok" Sean agreed
"I'll just put this on the table downstairs where she'll find it" Ellie told Sean as she led the way downstairs. She slipped into the living room and put the note on top of one of her mom's bottles of vodka. She took a final look at her mother before leaving the room.
"Are you ready to do this?" Sean asked as Ellie locked the door behind them
"I think so" She replied nervously
---
Ellie kissed Sean goodbye and turned to face Marco and Paige who both came hurrying over when they spotted her
"Hey hun" Paige smiled
"Hey El!" Marco smiled too "Are you ok? I tried to ring you last night and no one answered"
"I'm fine but… I'm staying with Sean. As in I've moved in with him" Ellie told them both
"You've moved in with him? As in properly like your living with him?" Paige asked
"Sort of" Ellie shrugged
"Why have you moved in with Sean?" Marco asked confused "I thought everything was ok for you at home with your dad back and your mom sober? I Didn't think that you and Sean were that serious yet…" Tears welled up in Ellie's eyes as Marco talked abut her dad.
"Hun are you ok?" Paige asked worried noticing Ellie starting to look like she was about to cry
"Dad went back to Kabul" Ellie told him quickly "during the summer."
"Why didn't you tell us?" Marco asked concerned
"I didn't want to worry anyone" Ellie shrugged
"Did you not tell anyone?" Paige asked her worriedly
"No" Ellie shook her head
"Not even Sean?" Marco enquired
"Not even Sean" Ellie confirmed "well not until Sunday."
"What about your mom?" Marco asked
"She started drinking again when he left" Ellie sighed
"Oh El" Paige said sadly "are you ok?" she gestured towards Ellie's arm and Ellie bit her lip
"Fine" she snapped a little too quickly and Marco and Paige exchanged worried looks.
"You know you're allowed to slip up hun?" Paige told her comfortingly
"I know." Ellie sighed "Just I've been slipping up for the past god knows how many months since dad left."
"But I thought Sauve stopped having meetings with you?" Marco asked confused "surely if your still doing it you should still be seeing her"
"I lied" Ellie sighed
"Oh Ellie." Paige sighed "Tonight after school you should go and see her again, I'll come with you if you want." she offered
"But what will I tell Sean, he doesn't know I'm still doing it…" Ellie replied looking down at her feet.
"You don't have to tell him" Paige suggested "and if you go to Sauve we won't tell him either ok?"
"I'm sorry" Ellie muttered
"You don't need to be sorry about anything" Paige assured her
"So you moved into Sean's to get away from your mom?" Marco asked
"Yeah" Ellie nodded because it was the truth though Paige and Marco thought she meant her mom's drinking not her mom's abuse. She looked up at them both "She kind of flipped out on Sunday night when we got the phone call and I went over to his and he insisted I moved in with him at least for a bit." Paige looked the shaken girl in front of her up and down carefully wondering whether any more bottles had been thrown when Ellie's mom had flipped out.
"Phone call?" Marco asked
"About My dad… he's…"Ellie stuttered taking a deep breathe and whispering the words as if it make them less true. "He's dead"
"Oh god El" Marco said pulling her into a hug straight away
"Ellie, I'm so sorry" Paige said a little stunned placing a hand on Ellie's back as she sobbed into Marco's shoulder. The Bell rung and Ellie pushed away from Marco.
"We should get going" She said wiping her eyes slightly putting on a brave face, embarrassed because she had broken down in front of them both.
"Ellie you don't have to put a front up about this, you're allowed to be upset." Paige told her
"Maybe you should go talk to Sauve now" Marco suggested "I think you need to talk to someone"
"No, I'll wait" Ellie protested "I've talked to Sean about it, I've told you two and I'll be ok"
"I'll take you now" Paige said quickly "It'll probably do you good El"
"I'll be fine" Ellie said shaking her head "I don't need to miss any more lessons"
"I'm with Paige" Marco told her "Go talk to Sauve for a bit"
"Oh ok" Ellie sighed "I'll walk myself though, you two get to homeroom I'm already making you late"
"I don't care, I'll walk you." Paige said quickly "Marco you go tell Kwan where we are and I'll meet up with you in a bit" Paige told him
"I could come too" Marco suggested
"It'll only take one of us, plus I need to ask Sauve something anyway" Paige told him with a shrug
"Ok then" Marco nodded "I'll see you both in a bit."
They girls started to head up the corridor towards Sauve's office, they got halfway there before Paige pulled Ellie aside.
"You know you said your mom flipped out?" Paige asked "It wasn't in the bottle throwing sense again was it?" she added worriedly
"No" Ellie replied sharply and quickly
"Ellie does she normally do things like that?" Paige asked the question she had been thinking about ever since Ellie had turned up on her doorstep
"Paige why all the questions?" Ellie asked irritably "I'm really not in the mood right now"
"I just care El ok, if I'm the only person who…" Paige started
"Your not" Ellie told her
"What?" Paige asked confused
"You're not the only person who knows" Ellie told her "why do you think Sean's forcing me to stay at his?"
"Oh" Paige nodded "Have you talked to Sauve about it?"
"No" Ellie shrugged "and I won't be either"
"You should think about it" Paige commented "she will be able to help you better if she knows the full story."
"I know but it not something I'd like to share with the world ok?" Ellie told her quickly
"I know and I understand, I didn't want to tell anyone anything when I was raped but the when I told Sauve she was able to know where I was coming from and as result she was able to help me more" Paige told her
"I'll think about it then ok? I've already got enough to tell her this week" Ellie sighed
"Do you want me to come in?" Paige offered
"No I'll be ok" Ellie shook her head
"Ok then if you're sure" Paige nodded before knocking on Sauve's door for her. "Just tell her as much as you can so she can help you El."
"Good morning Ellie, Paige what can I help you with?" Sauve asked when she saw the two girls. Paige nudged Ellie.
"I need to talk to you" Ellie sighed stepping forwards and looking at her feet nervously
"I'll go back to class and make sure Marco's told Kwan where you are hun, See you later" Paige nodded before leaving Ellie with Sauve.
"So what brings you to my office this morning?" Sauve asked clicking the door shut as Ellie sat down
"Paige and Marco made me" Ellie told her
"Why did they make you?" Sauve asked
"I lied to you, Everything's not ok" Ellie told her honestly "I've been doing it again, Since summer. Dad left again and mom started drinking so I started cutting. Then on Sunday we got a phone call, dad's dead and when Sean found out he thought it would be better for me to move in with him to get away from her" she blurted out quickly.
"Oh Ellie, I wish you have told me the truth from the beginning" Sauve said shaking her head. "I'm disappointed you couldn't tell me."
"I'm sorry" Ellie said hanging her head
"Well you're here now" Sauve nodded "I'm sorry about your dad"
"It hasn't kicked in properly that he's not coming back yet" Ellie admitted sadly
"A lot of people find it hard to believe someone they love is truly gone" Sauve comforted her "but then there will be a moment when it all hits you and you'll realise he's not coming back and although you won't want to you'll have to carry on without him. Its going to be hard Ellie, loosing someone so close to you always is." Ellie nodded and sighed. "So you started cutting when your Dad left again?" sauve asked changing the subject away from Ellie's dad's death.
"Yeah, when I found out he was going I was tempted but I was determined not to cut so I just distracted myself, I even tried to talk to him on the day he left but I couldn't bare him knowing so I chickened out. Then after he left Mom went to the store and came back with alcohol and started to drink again straight away so I guess I figured if she could drink, I could cut…" Ellie admitted "It was stupid but it made sense in a messed up sort of way" Sauve nodded
"So everything you said in our last two sessions together about not cutting and everything being great was completely made up?" Sauve asked
"well yeah, thought the beginning of my holiday was as good as I said, everything was great when dad was home and I had gone nearly 2 months without cutting, I didn't slip up once." Ellie told her "But I ruined all that"
"Well you can get back on track again" Sauve suggested "Just because your mom is drinking doesn't mean you have to keep cutting, what would your dad think?"
"I don't know, he probably thinks I'm stupid and worthless" Ellie sighed looking down at her feet
"Ellie you're a smart girl, your not worthless, cutting is an addiction as much as any form of drug abuse" Sauve told her comfortingly "Lets see if we can't get you into recovery, you seem to have really supportive friends and if your not living with your mother anymore and your living with Sean you can talk to him and he can help you fight the urges and you wont have the added pressure of looking after your mom anyway."
"Sean doesn't know I'm still doing it" Ellie admitted "I really don't want him to find out, he'd hate me"
"I'm sure he wouldn't" Sauve told her
"Anyway, I still don't want to admit it to him" Ellie sighed
"Well even if he thinks you've been cut free for a few months then he will still understand if your having a particularly hard time staying that way so you could still let him help you." Sauve suggested
"Yeah I suppose I could" Ellie agreed
"So you're going to try again?" Sauve asked
"Yeah" Ellie agreed "I'm going to try again…"
"Great" Sauve smiled "Why don't you try the elastic band thing again that worked quite well for you before didn't it?"
"Yeah" Ellie nodded
"I know this may be hard Ellie but I was wondering if you could show me your arms?" Sauve asked cautiously knowing it was a sensitive topic
"What?" Ellie asked taken aback, folding her arms protectively against her chest.
"I don't want to have to Ellie but after you lied about having stopped maybe it would be best if you showed me your arms each week so I know whatever you've told me is the truth, that way I will know if you've kept your word."
"I… I don't want to though" Ellie told her a hint of anger entering her voice, three people had seen her cuts, Sean, Marco and Paige the three people she trusted most and she wasn't sure she trusted Sauve enough to share them with her.
"Ellie I know its something private to you but I need to know the truth if I can keep helping you and your arms will tell me if what you're saying is true." Sauve told her
"Can't you just take my word?" Ellie asked
"Not after last time Ellie." Sauve shook her head "You know you can trust me, everything said in this office is confidential, everything seen in this office is confidential. I only want to see them to help you ok?"
"Ok" Ellie nodded nervously.
She looked into the eyes of Miss Sauve as she slowly pulled off her arm warmers and let the older woman see her scars for the first time. Sauve examined the damage and nodded.
"That's fine Ellie." She told her making a quick note on her notebook "I'll check your arms every session from now on just to back up what your saying to me, if you slip up tell me, I won't be mad but I will if you slip up and don't tell me and then you show me your arms and I see a new cut ok?" Sauve told her "When I trust what you're saying again then I will stop checking your arms ok?"
"Ok" Ellie agreed pulling her arm warmers back on as the bell rung.
"Right well I think we should leave it there, just remember to come talk to me if you need to Ellie, you're a strong girl and you can do this." Sauve told her comfortingly
"Thanks Miss Sauve, I'm going to try really hard." Ellie told her
"I'll see you next Friday, same time, same place." Sauve nodded
"Ok" Ellie agreed slipping out of the room.
She walked down the corridor and headed into the girls bathroom instead of heading to the maths lesson she was supposed to be going to. She lent on one of the sinks and looked into the mirror wondering how on earth she was going to fight the urge to cut with everything else going on around her.
A/n yet another fairly long chapter, I figured since I had five minutes I'd check through and post it. The next chapter probably won't be up as quickly as this one as I still have a fair bit of writing to do on it. But I'll update again ASAP, Anyway Thanks to my Reviewers.