"Can you like, stop trying to eat your way to Lexa's heart for like three seconds?" Clarke flinched. Raven's voice was too loud to be so close to her ear. She reached up to where the phone was pinned between her head and shoulder to turn the volume down.
"Shut up," Clarke groaned, reaching back into her dresser for more clothes.
"Ah, so you don't deny it," Raven said.
"Was there a reason you called?" Clarke asked, tossing a t-shirt across the room into a suitcase.
"Someone's testy," Raven sniggered.
"I'm not," Clarke sighed. "Just, stressed about going home."
"Stressed about going home? Or stressed about not seeing Lexa for two weeks?"
"I can't be both?" Clarke asked, shifting aside some clothes in the drawer.
"So I take it you haven't talked to her yet?" Raven asked.
"No," Clarke sighed. "It's just- there hasn't really been a good time-"
"You literally live across the hall from each other," Raven deadpanned.
"Yeah, I know, it's really been making it hard for me to think clearly-"
"Because you're too busy fucking-" Raven said.
"No!" Clarke defended. "Because we've been- hanging out at lot."
"And in all the time you've been hanging out there's somehow never been an opportunity to ask her what you guys are doing?" Raven asked.
"I mean, ugh, there probably has but, I don't know. It's just weird. Things are good right now, we're good and everything is finally where I want it to be- I just don't want to fuck everything up and have her shut down again," Clarke sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"Okay, but obviously things aren't where you want them to be."
"It's better than before," Clarke said.
"If you say so," Raven concluded, an obvious skeptic. "Anyway, I was calling to remind you about the party tonight since I'm sure you haven't been keeping track of the date in your haze of post-coiltial bliss"
"Oh my god-"
"What? Not judging, I've totally been there," Raven chuckled.
"Right, when is it again?" Clarke asked.
"Tonight," Raven said obviously.
"Wait, like tonight tonight?" Clarke asked incredulously.
"No Clarke, I mean tomorrow tonight," Raven said. Clarke could practically hear the eye roll in her voice.
"I just can't believe it's already New Years, I was at your place for Christmas like two days ago" Clarke said.
"That's what happens when you disappear into some sexcapade with your not girlfriend, you lose all track of time-"
"You would know all about that, wouldn't you?" Clarke teased.
"Got me there, Griffin," Raven humorlessly. "Anyway, come over soon, I could use a hand setting up."
"How soon is soon?" Clarke asked. "I don't even know what I'm wearing yet."
"Soon is like, now. Don't wanna risk you disappearing with Lexa and not coming back until next semester. You can borrow something."
"Fine," Clarke sighed. "I just gotta go over and remind Lex about the party."
"Alright but if you're not here in a half hour I'm gonna show up there and embarrass the shit out of you," Raven said.
"I'll be quick, see you soon," Clarke said as she hung up. She looked across the room to her suitcase and back to the dresser, which was now more than half empty. She decided that was enough packing for the day, and stood. Without hesitation, she crossed the hall to Lexa's door and knocked.
"Come in," Lexa called. She was sitting at her desk when Clarke entered, which was strange, she normally preferred to work from her bed. "Needed a change of scenery?" Clarke asked.
Lexa turned to face her, brow furrowed. "What do you- oh-" she said as she glanced around the room. "No, I just wanted to straighten up around her box," Lexa said softly.
Clarke looked over at the desk where the small cardboard box containing her mom's ashes sat, surrounded by meticulously staggered candles. It reminded Clarke of an altar. "We definitely need to get her an upgrade from the cardboard," Clarke said, matching Lexa's tone.
"We?" Lexa asked with a teasing smirk.
Clarke rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean," she said, internally cursing herself. She'd been so careful to not let 'we' slip, but Lexa caught it every time, like she was waiting for it. It had gotten so hard not to include Lexa in all of her thoughts. They spent more nights than not together, sitting up, late into the night, laughing and kissing and touching. Talking of aspirations, fears, and dreams. It was getting harder and harder for Clarke to keep telling herself that this was all temporary; that eventually Lexa would realize things were getting too deep and run. But sometimes, she would catch Lexa watching her with delicate eyes. As if Lexa looking at her too hard might break her. It made Clarke think that maybe Lexa wouldn't run at all. But why risk it? Why take the chance to send her running when Clarke could have her like this?
"I'm planning on it," Lexa said. "I just have to save up the money first."
"I could help, you know," Clarke offered.
"Please Clarke, I know you're rich, but I'm not in this friendship for the money," Lexa smirked.
"I am not rich," Clarke rolled her eyes again.
"Right, you're mom's rich. Sorry," she chuckled.
"We are not rich! We're just- well off," Clarke defended.
"I'm pretty sure "well off" is a phrase only rich people say," Lexa laughed.
"Whatever," Clarke huffed.
"Really though, I appreciate it. I do, but this is something I feel like I should do myself," Lexa said.
"I understand," Clarke nodded.
"Are we still going to Raven's tonight?" Lexa asked.
"Yeah, I actually came over to remind you," Clarke said.
"How could I forget? It's New Year's Eve."
"I forgot," Clarke shrugged, sheepishly.
"You? Forgot about one of the biggest drinking holidays of the year?" Lexa teased. "I'm shocked."
"Yeah, well, I've had a lot on my mind," Clarke said.
"Oh yeah? Like what?" Lexa smirked.
"Well, there's this girl I've been hooking up with-" Clarke said vaguely. "She's hot, but a total pain in the ass-"
Lexa rolled her eyes. Clarke chuckled. "What time do you need me to be ready?" Lexa asked.
"Uh, I guess you can meet me there around ten?" Clarke said.
"Meet you?" Lexa asked, frowning slightly.
"Yeah, Raven doesn't trust that we'll actually make it if I stay here to get ready."
"What would make her think that?" Lexa asked playfully, lightly biting her bottom lip.
"If you keep doing that, we definitely won't make it over there," Clarke said.
"Doing what?" Lexa asked, feigning innocence before biting back down on her own lip. Clarke grabbed her with both hands, bringing Lexa crashing into her, a mess of mouths and hands and teeth. She tried to make Lexa feel what she was feeling through the kiss, like the suddenness would jumpstart her. She wondered if Lexa could feel how hard her heart was beating, if she'd even be able to tell it was from more than her touch. Clarke pulled out of the kiss at that, worried of saying too much without speaking.
"I should go," Clarke said softly. Her lips brushed against Lexa's as she spoke.
Lexa hummed in agreement. "You probably should, or we really won't make it to the party."
"You know, I'm not all that interested in the party anyway," Clarke said without thinking.
Lexa smiled lightly. "Raven would probably murder us both."
"You're right, and they wouldn't even find our bodies until next semester."
"Holy shit Rae, how many fireworks did you buy?" Clarke asked, examining the pile of boxes in the corner of Raven's bedroom.
"You're crazy if you didn't think I was putting on a show," Raven said. "It's one of the two days a year I get to play with pyrotechnics without the cops showing up. Let me live."
"As long as you don't hurt yourself," Clarke shrugged.
"If I do, which we both know I won't, you can patch me up," Raven said.
"I can put some ointment and an Ace bandage on you," Clarke said. "I can't stitch your fingers back on."
"You're gonna eat your words when you and Lexa are having your New Year's kiss under the most badass fireworks display this school has ever seen," Raven grinned.
"What makes you think Lexa's gonna be my New Year's kiss?" Clarke asked. Raven gave her a patronizing look. "Whatever, doesn't that mean you're going to be too busy to have your own New Years kiss?"
"I guess so," Raven stiffened.
"You think Anya's gonna be cool with that?" Clarke asked.
"Doesn't really matter anymore," Raven said quietly.
"What do you mean?" Clarke asked. "Did something happen?"
"Come on, I gotta start setting these up." Raven said, piling boxes into her arms and leading the way outside without even putting on a jacket.
Clarke had never seen Raven so aggressively focused and for someone as brilliant as Raven, that was saying something. Clarke watched in awe for a full hour as her friend meticulously unboxed and arranged what seemed like hundreds of fireworks. Then, they moved on to the living room to rearrange the furniture. Instead of pushing everything against the far wall like they usually did, Raven had Clarke help move every single piece of furniture into a new position.
"Why are we doing this again?" Clarke asked, panting as she set down her half of the couch.
"Do you want this party to be amazing or not?" Raven asked.
"Of course I do, I just don't know what putting your couch over here has to do with it."
Raven sighed, "it's science, Clarke. It's all science. We're promoting movement, we're keeping people from the walls, we're making someone doesn't come in and sit on the couch all night."
"How is moving the couch to the middle of your apartment doing any of that?"
"No one wants to sit in a high traffic area if they're trying to lay low, so that'll deter the more socially awkward of us. No drunk person can sit still for too long without having a distraction, we moved the couch away from the tv and it's too public to get hot and heavy. And a sober person who's sitting in the middle of all the debauchery isn't gonna stay sober for long," Raven concluded.
"Wow. You've thought a lot about this, huh?" Clarke asked.
"Yep. Now I need to figure out the perfect volume for my perfect playlist. Not too loud so that you can't hear your date whispering sweet nothings, but not too low so that you can't pretend to not hear some gross dude hit on you." Raven said, hand on her chin in thought.
"Hey, you alright?" Clarke asked.
"Huh? Yeah, why do you ask?"
"You're being a little-" Clarke hesitated.
"What?"
"I think- extra, is the nicest way to put it," Clarke said.
"I'm not extra. I'm regular. Normal. Medium. Whatever," Raven snapped. Clarke gave her a look.
"You know you can talk to me," Clarke offered.
Raven sighed after a moment, pinching the bridge of her nose. "It's fucking Anya."
"What about her?"
"I don't even know. I guess we're done or whatever it is that you say when you breakup with someone you never dated-"
"What? Seriously? What happened?" Clarke asked.
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I just don't know what went wrong," Raven sighed, dropping to the couch. Clarke joined her. "One minute we're fine, laughing, whatever and the next, she's out the door and not answering my calls or texts."
"That can't be all, did you guys get into a fight or something?"
"No," Raven groaned. "But I did do something really stupid."
"What?"
"I asked her to be my girlfriend," Raven said.
"And she ran out on you?" Clarke asked.
"Yep. Didn't even have the decency to just say no."
"Wow," Clarke said.
"I didn't want to tell you because I've been trying to get you to talk to Lexa. Didn't wanna scare you off of it," Raven said.
"Well, I'm not gonna lie, if I was stressed before I'm even more stressed about it now," Clarke said.
"Don't be. You and Lexa have been making big dumb heart eyes at each other for too long for her to pull an Anya," Raven said. "Now come on, help me figure out this volume thing."
Clarke wasn't sure exactly when the party started. All she knew was that at one point Raven was taking Monty and Jasper outside to see the firework arrangement, and the next, it looked like everyone on campus had managed to squeeze into the apartment. Clarke spent most of the time in the kitchen with Raven, sitting on the countertops with a drink in hand, keeping an eye on the keg and the jungle juice. The party was going well, if watching Raven grin was any indication. To be fair, it could've been all the booze.
"Hey look, your girl's here," Raven said, chuckling at the way Clarke whipped her head toward the door. "Who's that with her?"
"With who? Lexa?" Clarke asked. Following Lexa through the door was a shorter curly haired girl, laughing, like Lexa had just said something funny. Raven gave Clarke a look that she caught out of the corner of her eye. "I have no idea," Clarke said. Something stirred uncomfortably in her stomach.
"Hey, relax," Raven said quickly, "I'm sure it's nothing. They probably just walked in at the same time." But after a second of scanning the crowd, Lexa picked Clarke out, said something to the stranger and they both started toward her. Clarke and Raven met them in the middle, near the strategically placed couch.
"Hey," Lexa smiled at Clarke and Raven. "I can't believe how crowded it is already, it's only ten."
"Yeah, well, it's New Year's Eve. There's kind of a time limit," Clarke said obviously. Lexa furrowed her brow at her, but before she could respond, Raven cut in.
"So who's your friend, Lexa?" she asked.
"Lexa smiled as she glanced to the girl next to her. "This is Luna, she's the RA on the fifth floor. I ran into her on the elevator and decided to bring her along."
"Thank god, too," Luna laughed lightly. Her voice was too friendly, too comfortable. Clarke had never even heard of this girl before, now suddenly here she was, familiar enough with Lexa for her to be invited to the party. Clarke involuntarily ground her teeth together. "I was on my way to the party room to watch the ball drop on tv with all the other stragglers, I didn't know there were enough people left on campus for a party," she smiled.
"You must not get away from the dorms often," Raven said. "There's always something going on out here." Clarke glared at Raven, deciding she was guilty by association for even acknowledging the stranger.
"I really don't," Luna shrugged. "Sometimes I wonder if being an RA is even worth it."
"It probably isn't," Raven laughed. "Here, let me get you guys some drinks, Clarke, you want to come help?"
Clarke grunted in response, not sparing a glance at Lexa as she followed Raven toward the kitchen. She stopped short of the counter where Raven grabbed a few cups. "What?" She asked, noticing Clarke's expression.
"What the fuck was that?" Clarke asked.
"What? I'm just trying to be a good host!" Raven said, crossing her arms.
"You think she's cute," Clarke said.
"Hold on, are you jealous of Lexa, or me?" Raven chuckled.
"You're not supposed to be nice to her if I hate her!" Clarke huffed.
"You've literally known the girl for two minutes," Raven said. "She seems nice."
"You're just defending her because you think she's hot," Clarke said.
"So what if I do?" Raven laughed. "You should be happy. If I'm fucking her that means Lexa's not, right?"
"You think they're fucking?" Clarke panicked, whipping around to pick Lexa out of the crowd. She was still standing with Luna, chatting with a smile.
"No!" Raven said. "Not what I meant, you're going off the deep end here, Griff."
"What about Anya?" Clarke asked, turning to face Raven again. Her smile dropped into a scowl.
"What about her?" Raven asked coldly.
"Sorry. I- forgot," Clarke muttered awkwardly. "But still. You're my friend. You're supposed to back me up."
"I can't back you up by getting her out of your way?" Raven asked. Clarke glared in response. "You could just talk to Lexa, you know. Ask her what's up instead of being pissy all night."
"You mean so she can walk out on me?" Clarke asked.
"You're being ridiculous," Raven said, putting her hands on Clarke's shoulders.
"Am I? You and Anya have been hooking up way longer than me and Lexa, and look how that all fell apart!" Clarke could feel the heat rising behind her ears. Lexa was making her look stupid and Raven was looking at her like she wanted to hit her and of course everything would blow up like this. All because she couldn't get the nerve to ask Lexa what they were. Clarke's eyes stung. She kept her head down as she stormed out of the kitchen and down the hall.
As soon as she shut the bathroom door behind her, Clarke let out a ragged breath, steadying herself on the bathroom sink. She stared into the mirror, nearly groaning. She could do this. She just needed to avoid Raven until she was drunk enough to not be mad, and avoid Lexa for the entire night so she didn't do something dumb like hit Luna. It wasn't Luna's fault. She probably didn't even know who Clarke was. For all Clarke knew, Luna and Lexa could be dating. Maybe Lexa was lying the whole time, and Clarke was a side girl… again. No. Lexa wasn't like that. But, she didn't think Finn was like that either. Clarke groaned again. This was going to be a long night.
Once she left the bathroom, Clarke ran into Monty and started up a conversation about the best way to keep browsing history private, knowing it would buy her at least a half hour. Then, she talked to Jasper about his best edible recipes, which kept her busy for a long time, despite being mind-numbing. She almost talked to Murphy, before his equally greasy girlfriend threatened to break her jaw. It was times like this she really missed Octavia. Hell, even Bellamy would do right now. Clarke walked back toward the kitchen for another drink, hoping Raven had found something else to do for the night.
"Hey, I know you," a girl grabbed Clarke by the arm to stop her. Clarke examined the stranger for a moment, she did look vaguely familiar. "Did we have a class together?"
"We might've," Clarke said, examining her. She couldn't place her though.
"This is gonna bother me all night if I don't figure it out," she said with a laugh, swaying on the spot. "Just, hold on. Let me look at you," she said, putting her hands on Clarke's waist to keep her from moving. She hummed as she looked Clarke over, stepping into her personal space. It was probably the alcohol that made it seem more funny than intrusive. Just as the stranger stepped closer, there was a voice in Clarke's ear.
"Can I talk to you in private?" It was Lexa. Clarke didn't have the chance to respond or excuse herself before Lexa's hand was on her, leading her away from the party and to Raven's room. Lexa shut the door behind them.
"Did I do something?" Lexa asked quietly. Her hand lingered on Clarke's wrist longer than it should've, like she was worried Clarke might run if she let go.
"Why do you ask?" Clarke responded coldly. Lexa frowned.
"Uh, because you're the one who invited me to this party and all you've been completely avoiding me all night," She said.
"I just figured you already had company," Clarke shrugged, trying and failing to keep the bitterness out of her voice.
"That's what this is about?" Lexa asked, almost sounding relieved. "You're mad at me because I brought Luna? Why didn't you just say something?" Lexa asked, as if it was the most obvious thing it the world, like Clarke was an idiot for it thinking of it. Clarke opened and closed her mouth a few times, so furious that she couldn't find the words.
"What was I supposed to say, Lex?" Clarke snapped. "Since it's so simple, what was I supposed to say?"
"Clarke," Lexa said.
"That I'm jealous? That it felt fucking awful to see you walk in here with someone that wasn't me?" Clarke continued, fuming. "That I'm scared to go home because what if you don't care when I come back-" Clarke said. She was trying to sound angry, but her voice kept shaking.
"Clarke," Lexa said softly. Clarke stared pointedly at the ground. "Clarke. Look at me," Lexa said. She placed a cool hand under Clarke's chin and guided her upward. "I'm not interested in Luna. There's nothing to be upset about."
"She's not the point, Lex," Clarke huffed, pressing her balled fists to her temples. "Of course you would go and oversimplify it-"
"I'm not oversim-"
"Why did you bring me in here?" Clarke asked suddenly.
"What do you mean?" Lexa asked.
"I mean, why, out of all the opportunities you've had to talk to me tonight, did you decide to pull me away when I was was talking to someone you didn't know?" Clarke asked. Lexa examined her for a moment.
"I'm not afraid to admit that I was jealous, if that's where you're going with this," Lexa said a little too quietly.
"What?" Clarke asked, unsure if she had heard her right.
"She was all over you. I was jealous," Lexa said, sighing softly. Clarke could only stare at her. Lexa was jealous. Lexa was jealous that she was talking to another girl. Lexa gives a shit. "We're being stupid," she gave an apologetic half smile. "Look, I know I haven't been making this easy and I'm sorry." Lexa hesitated for a moment, looking smaller than Clarke could've imagined. "I know it's not fair to ask but please, please just give me a little more time."
"I don't know what you mean," Clarke said, watching Lexa curiously.
"I mean," Lexa paused to take a deep breath. "I want this." She gestured between the two of them. "And I want to do it right, okay? But the idea of saying it- of making this thing we have- something real, something serious, it honestly scares the shit out of me," Lexa breathed. Clarke could feel her stomach in her toes. Nothing was real. Lexa took Clarke's hands. "I haven't done this in a long time, Clarke. Not since Costia. And before her there was- there was nothing real. And this, you, you deserve a real effort." Lexa's eyes were shining and her hands felt shaky in Clarke's. Clarke could only stare. "I want that for you. I just need a little more time to work it all out up here," Lexa said, tapping at her forehead. Clarke could only stare, dumbfounded. "I mean, if you don't want to wait I understand, you've been more than patient with me and I know it's pushing it to ask for more time-" Clarke almost laughed. "What?" Lexa asked, staring back at her.
For a second Clarke just stood there with Lexa holding her waist, unable to tell whether the feeling in her stomach was a knot or fluttering. Lexa wanted to be with her. She cared enough to want to do it right. And Clarke wasted most of the night sulking and trying not to punch a stranger.
"Clarke, say something," Lexa said, holding her a little tighter. She looked genuinely afraid, like Clarke would even dream saying Lexa was asking too much of her. "Clarke." She had no idea how long she was silent, too busy trying to memorize every detail of Lexa's face, to keep this moment. When Lexa started to look genuinely panicked, Clarke grinned at her. "What?" Lexa asked.
"You like me," Clarke said.
Lexa chuckled, moving her hands to Clarke's neck. "Well, yeah. I thought that was obvious."
"I don't know if anyone's ever told you this, but you're really hard to read," Clarke laughed.
"Are you kidding? I've been hearing that since the first grade," Lexa smirked.
"Did you just make a self deprecating joke?"
"I might've," Lexa shrugged.
Clarke couldn't take it anymore. She laced her hands into Lexa's hair without even thinking, roughly pulling their lips together. When they finally separated, Lexa didn't drift, they stood, foreheads pressed together, smiling through heavy breaths. Clarke laughed, holding Lexa against her. Lexa started to laugh too. A sudden bang made Clarke jump, a chorus of explosions followed, casting colorful light through Raven's window. "I guess we missed the ball drop," Clarke chuckled, still a little breathless.
"I guess we did," Lexa smiled at her.
"Happy new year," Clarke said softly, stepping back toward her.
"Happy new year," Lexa said, bringing a hand to her cheek. They stared at each other again, Clarke was sure she looked insane. Her cheeks were starting to hurt from smiling, but it didn't matter. For the first time in a long time, she was sure that this year was going to be a good one.