Author's Note: Next chapter will probably take alot longer to update than usual, what with the upcoming holidays and a couple other projects I want to do.

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne!

Escaflowne

Episode 14

Dangerous Boo-Boos

"Lord Vaaaan! Please, come out! Pleaaaase!" Merle mewled pathetically, hopping in panic before the still-kneeling, still-bleeding Escaflowne in the Crusade's hangar. "Lord VAAAAAN!"

"Bitch you are not helping," the Escaflowne snapped at her. "In fact you're making it worse. I can feel him shuddering. Stop talking. We need someone better, someone liiike…"

"Godammit, lookit this mess!" Allen huffed, glaring down at the puddle of blood befouling the hangar floor. "Who's gonna clean this up?" he demanded. "…No seriously who's gonna do it cuz it's sure as fuck not gonna be me-"

"Definitely not him, no. Someone liiike…"

"Vaaan, looook! I made muffiiins!" Hitomi sang, holding a plate of steaming muffins. "…I'm sorry there were more but I got hungry and ate some-"

"Cripes, you love him so much, you can have him! Here!" The front hatch of the Escaflowne snapped open, and Van was violently ejected from his seat, slamming into Hitomi and taking her and the plate of muffins to the ground.

"…Why is he covered in pads-" someone asked from the back.

"I'm not jealous!" the Escaflowne grumbled to itself. "…Okay maybe a little. No-one ever made me muffins."

"Van!" Hitomi sat up, horrified at all the blood. "Are you okay?! And are there any pads left? I swear to God if I have to use rags-"

Chewing on a muffin, Allen knelt beside her and took the young King's pulse for a couple seconds.

"Well, he's dead!" he declared shortly. "Come on, men, let's kick his corpse out the bay doors before the infection spreads-"

"Piss off, Allen!" Hitomi shoved him away.

"Huh." Gaddess was studying the many scuff-marks on the Escaflowne, confused. "Strange. Only the armor was damaged. But then, where did Van's wounds-"

"Van, I will slap the STUPID out of you if you don't sit down! And that'll take a LOT of slaps!"

"…I mean where did his FRESHER wounds come from."

"Don't…tell me…what…to do!" Van growled at Hitomi, leaving a bloody trail as he staggered his way to the open hatch doors. In the distance, he could see the volcano housing the Temple of Fortona, dozens of Zaibach Fortresses floating around in the setting sun. "I've started my period! I'm a grown man now! I do what I WANT!" His beautiful white wings burst from his back, dramatically tearing his shirt to shreds and spreading wide.

"Wow! He's got wings!" Millerna gasped in awe. "Where can I buy some?!"

"He's a Draconian!" Gaddess blurted out.

"Uh, no, he's an idiot, just ruined a perfectly good shirt," Allen snorted. "Actually that shirt was shit so good riddance-"

"Van," Hitomi began in a firm voice, "you did NOT-"

"Can I borrow your razor? I need to start shaving my legs," Van said, then face-planted on the floor, unconscious.

-Later That Night-

The Crusade kept a steady course through the night while the passengers were busy tending to Van's wounds. He lay on a small cot, swathed in bandages that he quickly bled through. Hitomi stayed by his side, helping/restraining Millerna.

"How can you stand it, Hitomi?" Merle whimpered, wide-eyed. "All that blood!"

"Bitch, this is nothing," Hitomi snorted. "I was in a WORLD of blood. This is a level two on the disturbing vision scale at best." She glanced over her shoulder and noticed Allen and his men pressed against the opposite wall, as far away from them as possible. "What's with you guys?"

"…We don't want to catch his period," a crewmember responded bluntly.

"Oh my God! You can't CATCH it!"

"Just wait, you girls will all sync up and then it'll REALLY be a bloodbath-" Allen began.

"I'll show you a fucking bloodbath!" Hitomi started towards him.

"Hmm…" Millerna held Van's big toe between her thumb and forefinger, careful not to get any blood on her expensive shirt. "His pulse is erratic. If we don't help him soon, he won't make it!"

"…You can tell that from his toe?" Hitomi asked sarcastically. Millerna blinked at her several times, searching for an intelligent and witty rebuttal.

"Yes."

Damn.

"We need a doctor, a REAL doctor!" Hitomi said. "We have to help Van!"

"Why isn't Millerna good enough?" Merle asked. Hitomi just looked at her. "…You have my permission to slap me across the face for asking such a dumb question."

"Van's wounds aren't normal!" Millerna explained as Hitomi wound up and delivered, sending a ringing slap throughout the room. "It's as if they were made from the inside. They won't close, no matter how much I keep poking them!"

"Okay, someone get her away from him!" Hitomi cried.

"Here let me try-"

"ALLEN, STOP IT!" She forced herself to pause and take a breath. "What could have caused this?" She gasped as a sudden thought occurred to her. She dashed to the hangar, where she confronted the seated Escaflowne. "You! What. Did. You. DO?"

"No idea what you're talking about, toots," the melef replied innocently.

"Bullshit! Why do all of Van's wounds match your scratches?"

"We're twinsies-"

"Oh right because you're both fucking idiots!" Hitomi growled, recalling the time at the Temple of Fortona when Van had stood before the Escaflowne, trying to 'bond' with it. "I get it now! Van feels the scratches. He merged with the Escaflowne! So if we don't fix the Escaflowne, Van's wounds won't heal!" She made a sound of disgust. "Who's the dumbass who taught him how to do that?!"

"Uh…you?" the Escaflowne answered bluntly.

"What?! No I-" Hitomi froze, remembering giving Van lessons in the garden of Freid's castle. "…I need to silence Merle. She knows too much."

"What's wrong, babe?" Allen asked, suddenly standing behind you. "You look tense, need a back rub?"

"Commander!" Gaddess barged into the hangar just in time.

"Dammit Gaddess you killed the mood-"

"That wouldn't be the only thing," Hitomi growled, glaring at him.

"We've spotted an Austurian convoy, sir!"

"Well I've certainly lost my boner now."

"Get the fuck away from me, Allen!"

-In the Austurian Convoy-

Aboard one of the approaching ships, colorful fish swam in a large aquarium built into the wall of a dimly-lit room. A beautiful mermaid with long green hair and a blue fin swam with them, gliding along before stopping. In front of her, outside the aquarium, a young man with shoulder-length brown hair was sitting on a couch, kissing the tank.

The mermaid punched the glass, making him flinch back.

"Okay that's it. I'm tossing you back in the sea, Silvie." Rubbing his smarting mouth, the young man glared at her. "And don't get caught again! But if you do, tell them you're a friend of Dryden of Austuria." He winked at her. "That'll jack up your sellin' price for sure! Ha!" He stood and started for the door, turning to look back fondly. "How about one final farewell kiss?"

The mermaid used both hands to flip him off and streaked them across the glass.

"…I'm really not gonna miss you."

-A Few Minutes Later-

Dryden strode through a wide room filled with expensive lamps and artwork, his hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and wearing a scarf. His assistant, some kind of mouse-beast-man thing with robes and a fez, tottered after him.

"You're just letting that mermaid go, young master?!" he sputtered. "After all the trouble you went to catch her?"

"I'm not really into sushi." Dryden shrugged nonchalantly. "Besides, there's plenty of other fish in the sea."

"I swear to the gods I will quit-"

"Okay, okay, no more fish puns- huh?" Glancing out the window, Dryden caught sight of a familiar airship docked in the hangar of his own, much larger vessel. "Hey, that's the Crusade! I can tell cuz they're double-parked like an asshole-"

"Y-yes!" The attendant shuffled over, rubbing his hands nervously. "They wish to speak with you, young master. They're sending over an envoy-"

"Gang way!" A snotty voice resounded from the hallway. "Bombshell, coming through! Let me in, you uncivilized slobs! And tuck in your shirts- except you, cutie, you can take yours off- now MOVE!"

The door burst open and Millerna stormed in, flouncing as only a spoiled Princess could flounce. She stopped when she caught sight of Dryden.

"Hello, I'm here to negotiate-"

"Marry me." Dydren dropped down to one knee, gaping up at her in awe.

"…Well that was easy."

"I hope you are too."

"What?!"

"Young master!" the attendant broke in. "Princess Millerna-"

"Who cares about that cow? I'm marrying this five feet of fine right here!"

"COW?!"

"YOUNG MASTER!"

"WHAT?!"

"THIS is the Lady Millerna, third Princess of Austuria," his assistant ground out through clenched teeth, pointing firmly at the fuming Princess. Dydren blinked.

"…Oh." He grinned up at Millerna and gave a cheeky wink. "…So are we gonna consummate this now or later?"

-Meanwhile, On the Crusade-

"I…I feel a disturbance," Allen said, wincing in pain. "As though…someone very close by just had their balls quite violently crushed. Know what I mean?" He and Hitomi stood in the cockpit of the Crusade, gazing out the front window.

"Uh, not really, no," Hitomi replied. "Now who is this guy again? Millerna's sacrifice- I mean, fiancée?"

"Yeah." Allen nodded. "He's the son of the man who tried to kidnap you."

"Riiiight…" Hitomi recalled her horrible ordeal of being abducted by idiotic gecko-men. "Doesn't that make him kinda dangerous? Why are we asking him for help?"

"Because," Allen replied in a serious tone, "he has A LOT OF MONEY. So if we kiss his ass enough, he might help Van."

"That makes sense." Hitomi frowned. "Think he'd spot me a twenty?"

"He also might take Millerna off our hands," Allen added.

"Christ I'd pay HIM to do it."

-Back With Millerna and Dryden-

Princess Millerna sat in Dryden's small study room, surrounded by ancient books on shelves and papers scattered everywhere.

"Excuse me, where is your children's section? None of these have any pictures!" Millerna complained aloud, absently flipping through one. "Actually hold on I think this is porn-" The door creaked open and Dryden hobbled in, holding two glasses and a bottle of wine in his hands while favoring his injured testicles.

"Princess Milly- you mind if I call you Milly?" he asked, approaching her.

"Yes, actually, I only allow Allen to-"

"Okay great! Here you go, Milly." Dryden handed her a wineglass, then uncorked the bottle and poured her a serving.

"Dryden, please," Millerna sighed, "this is supposed to be a professional negotiation, not some romantic-"

"Oh, of course! I am conducting this meeting with the utmost seriousness and respect for you," Dryden replied, then hit the dimmer switches and turned on Elton John.

"OKAY SERIOUSLY-"

"Baby…" Dryden seized Millerna's hands and leaned close. "I can't believe I've always thought of you as a tomboy. You're gorgeous! I bet you shave your pits and everything. Let's go back to Austuria and get hitched! I'm rich, I'm hot, what more could you want?" He paused for a moment. "…If this is about the size of my dick-"

"Back off!" Millerna glared at him, snatching her hands away. "I'm a one-Allen woman! You got that? Nothing will make me change my-"

"Here's the ring."

"Holy FUCK is that real- NO! I…must…resist!" Millerna tore her eyes away from the huge, sparkling diamond, drained the last of the wine and slammed her glass down. "LISTEN! The reason we're here is someone's dying and we need your help-"

"It's not Allen, is it?" Dyden asked hopefully.

Millerna grabbed the bottle of wine and dumped the rest over his head.

-Back at the Temple of Fortona-

Zaibach Floating Fortresses hung in the air outside the Temple of Fortona, glowing like stars in the night sky. Aboard one of them, Folken stood in a shadowy room, hunched over and chuckling darkly.

"All that's left now is to break the seal," he murmured to himself, relishing his moment of triumph-

"Uh, sir, we have a problem," a soldier interrupted, peeking his head in.

"Huh what?" Folken glanced up, holding his new DS game, ready to break the seal and open it up. "RUDE. I thought I put up a 'do not disturb' sign out there."

"Oh, yeah, you did," the soldier replied nervously, "but Dilandau took a marker and changed it to 'dog nuts disturbed' and drew a bunch of male genitalia on it." He paused awkwardly. "…Also he and his men are gone."

"What?! GONE?! Do you know what this MEANS?" Folken barked at him. The soldier flinched. "…I have the whole base to myself! Crank up the furnaces, that fucking lizard is always complaining it's too hot in here while I freeze my nips off! And blast the radio, I never get to listen to the radio without him bitching!" Folken ripped open the game and held it aloft, grinning. "Aww yeah, this night's gonna get WILD."

-Outside the Temple of Fortona-

Dilandau and his Dragonslayers, all piloting their trademark melefs, flew through the night sky away the Temple of Fortona, in search of their elusive prey.

"Alright, assholes!" Dilandau snapped back at his men, riding at the front of the formation. "Let's go find that fucker Van!"

"…And how are we going to do that, exactly?"

"Chesta, GodDAMMIT, for the last TIME…I don't KNOW YET. Just keep fucking flying if we stop we'll look dumb. Which shouldn't be too hard for you."

-Back with Dryden and the Others-

"Whoa!" Dryden gasped, his mouth falling open in awe. "An Ispano Guymelef!"

He stood before the seated Escaflowne, which had been transferred from the Crusade to the rich young man's own cargo hold. Everyone stood behind Dryden, watching as he inspected the white melef with a keen eye.

"Oh no, it's damaged goods!" He touched the many scratches along the melef's torso and arms. "That'll hurt the selling price."

"Bitch I'm priceless!" the Escaflowne loudly protested.

"Oooh! And it talks, too! That'll jack it right back up."

"You can go jack yourself, pretty boy!"

"Maybe not."

"So, that's Dryden?" Hitomi wondered, looking him up and down. "…I'll give him a solid seven. Van's between a six and an eight, depending on his mood. Allen's a one." She paused, thinking. "Gaddess is a ten." She thought some more. "Folken is an eleven."

"I guess the legend's true." Dryden's voice pulled Hitomi back from her thoughts. The merchant was sitting on the Escaflowne's knee, addressing everyone. "According to ancient text, Ispano Guymelefs curse their operators by being complete assholes…"

"Well that explains everything," Hitomi mumbled.

"Doesn't explain your FACE!" the Escaflowne snapped at her. "…I'm sorry you're very pretty-"

"…and killing them." Dryden finished, rubbing the stubble on his chin.

"Well that explains- wait what?!"

"The Ispano clan used the knowledge of Atlantis to choose the melef's 'master' by blood pact," Dryden explained. "They remain the master to their death, and sometimes the melef will take control of the fight. When the melef is damaged and falls, its master falls as well."

"Christ, what a nerd!" Allen snorted in derision, glancing around at the others. "…Unless nerds are cool, then I'm totally a nerd too."

"Dammit! This is all my fault!" Hitomi groaned aloud. "I showed Van how to use that power to merge!"

"What? YOU almost got Van killed?" Allen gasped, turning her way. "GOD that turns me on! Gimme some sugar-" A quick punch in the throat quickly stopped that train of thought (and Allen's breathing).

"Look, this isn't a big deal," Dryden told them. "All you have to do is fix up the Guymelef, and the pilot will recover as well."

"We can't handle a repair job this big!" Allen cried. "…Also I don't want to."

"Then I guess we'll just make the call." Dryden climbed into the Escaflowne's chest cavity, where he began searching among the many switches, levers and gears.

"PFFTTT!" The Escaflowne started giggling. "Stop it! That tickles! No really, stop- WHOA OKAY WE JUST CROSSED THE LINE THERE PAL."

"Found it!" Dydren said triumphantly, flicking a certain switch. Bright green lights began emanating from the gem set into the Escaflowne's forehead. "I've called them. They'll be here in less than a minute or it's free."

"Who?" Allen demanded.

"AAA."

"…I thought they didn't cover Guymelefs-"

"I was joking. I called the Ispano clan, the people who built the Escaflowne."

"Oh." Allen blinked. "Well then. Fuck you. Fuck you very much."

"Hey, man, what did I ever do to you? Besides being handsomer, richer, smarter, and engaged to a hot princess you thought was in to you, I mean."

Everyone shut up as the sky began to glow with an unearthly aura and warped, a portal from another dimension yawning open. A shockingly huge, white spaceship began slowly descending from the wide portal, gold designs gleaming along its sides.

"There it is. The Ispano Factory's Mother Ship," Dryden said, pressed against the window like everyone else, staring out in awe at the enormous construct. "Big, isn't it?"

"…My dick's bigger," Allen muttered under his breath.

"I win in that department too, Schezar."

"GodDAMMIT!"

-Inside the Ispano Factory Mother Ship-

Inside the Factor was a deafening flurry of churning gears, puffs of steam whistling into clouds of smoke, and levers whirring. The exoskeletons of Guymelefs were scattered around, in various forms of construction.

The Escaflowne was seated on a larger, grander throne in the middle of the room, a dozen of short, hooded figures gathered around it. The Ispano chanted among themselves, almost seeming to offer prayers to the ancient melef. Hitomi and the others had also boarded the Mother Ship, everyone patiently waiting for the Ispano to wrap up the ritual so they could get on with the repair job.

"They're confirming that it's really the Escaflowne," Dryden explained.

"How're they doing that?" Hitomi wanted to know.

"Well," Dryden said, "don't tell anyone, but…" He leaned in closer. "The Escaflowne's got a huge ID-bar on his ass."

"Pffft!" Hitomi dissolved into a fit of giggles. "Like a tramp stamp? Oh my God!"

"The fuck's so funny over there?" the Escaflowne barked suspiciously.

The creepy little men suddenly turned to the group, one Ispano stepping forward. He held out his hand, palm up, imploringly.

"Fifty million," he stated.

"High five, bitch!" Allen slapped the man's hand.

"Fifty million for Escaflowne repair job!" the Ispano repeated, annoyed.

"Fifty million?!" Allen gurgled. "Are you kidding me?! Do you have any idea how many pairs of shoes I could buy with fifty fucking million?!" He paused. "Like, at least ten."

"That's a lot of kisses," Millerna sighed to herself.

"We don't have that kind of money!" Gaddess sputtered.

"You can't pay? We leave. And take all your stuff."

"Hey!"

"I'll foot the bill," Dryden boldly declared. "You can take my convoy as well. Is that enough?" Millerna stared at her fiancée in disbelief. The Ispano nodded and held out a legally-binding contract, Dryden using his signet ring to press the wax on the paper and seal the deal.

"I…thank you, Dryden!" Millerna gushed, at a loss for words. "We'll never be able to repay you for your kindness!"

"Oh, I expect you to pay me back," he grinned at her. "…In KISSES."

Millerna sighed and began re-applying her lipstick.

-Later-

The Ispano were all crowded around the Escaflowne, buffing and polishing, grinding and oiling the Guymelef to perfection. Sparks flew from several grinders they were using to grind away the scuffs on the melef's scarred armor.

"Beauty is pain! BEAUTY IS PAIN!" the Escaflowne howled in agony.

In a room nearby, a similar scene was playing out. Van screamed and thrashed violently on a medical table, his bandages soaked through with blood. Hitomi and Merle huddled together with the others, eyes wide with horror.

"…Should I start poking him again-" Millerna began.

"NO!" everyone shouted.

"Maybe we should hold him down so he doesn't hurt himself!" Hitomi suggested.

"Are you crazy? This shirt is new," Allen stated. Merle stared at him for a long moment, then very deliberately ran her claws down his chest, ripping his shirt to shreds. "…You're fucking lucky I kept the receipt. Boys, tie him down."

"I only know how to tie a noose," Gaddess said as he uncoiled some rope.

"I can only make bowties," Reeden admitted.

"Maybe Pyle should sit on him," Teo suggested. "No wait he might fart-"

Hitomi used the rope to tie everyone up and then sat with Van, holding his hand through the pain.

-Meanwhile, Back at the Temple of Fortona-

It was still nightfall back at the Temple of Fortona, where, deep inside, an eerie green glow emanated from a hole in the ground. On a small balcony, Folken and the other four generals of the Zaibach army had gathered. Prince Chid stood with them, dressed in his footie pajamas, holding the notorious Secret-Seal Sword and stuffed camel.

"Hey, did someone lose their kid or something-"

"This is Prince Chid, the ruler of Freid."

"Are you kidding me? He's, like, five."

"I know. Just shut up and let him do his thing. It's past his bedtime anyway and he hasn't had his warm milk."

Ignoring them, Chid stepped forward and placed the sword carefully into a stone animal's mouth, which sank into the ground, triggering an ancient switch in the Temple. The entire building began to shake and the glow from the hole became brighter, growing so strong it was almost painful.

"So, this is the power of Atlantis?" Folken asked, squinting as he peering over the edge. "I knew I should have brought my shades. And…is that my skin I smell-"

A blue-green pillar of light suddenly shot up from the hole, blasting into the heavens above.

-At the Same Time, in the Zaibach Empire-

"Ohhh, I'm a little tea-cup, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my-"

The light beam blasted into Dornkirk's room, the elderly man screeching like a banshee and clutching at his eyes, DS tumbling to the floor.

"Eaaaagh! Where the hell is that light coming from?! Why haven't we installed dimmer switches? Dimmer switches, people!" Through his agony, Dornkirk cracked an eye open and peered up at the telescope thing that was always positioned in front of his large throne and gasped. "I…can see my dream! The pulsing…of my ideal future! And…is that my skin I smell-"

-Back at the Ispano Factory Mother Ship-

The ordeal was finally over. The Escaflowne sat shiny and new in its throne, gleaming all over. A few Ispanoes were polishing up its smooth white armor.

"Don't miss behind my ears!" the melef snapped. "It gets crusty back there! And also under my- WHOA OKAY LINE HAS BEEN CROSSED MAN BACK IT UP-"

In the nearby room, a similar scene was taking place. Van pulled off his bloody bandages, revealing tanned skin with no sign of his previous injuries.

"Look, he's all healed!" Millerna cried, tossing a couple singles at the shirtless young man. "Come on! Dance a little! This is the worst strip tease I've ever had!"

"What about under his pants?" Merle called. "Take 'em off, Lord Van!"

"I will NOT-" Van began haughtily. Another wad of singles smacked him in the face. Van scowled at Millerna, then after a beat, dropped his trousers to reveal dragon-print boxers. The girls whistled and cheered, Hitomi peeking through her fingers.

"I will pay you to put your clothes back ON," Dryden stated over their booing.

"Dryden! I have to thank you for saving my life!" Van smiled at the man. "Wow, you are one of the prettiest ladies I've ever-"

"I AM A MAN."

"…Oh." Van slowly pulled his pants up, blinking. "…Still one of the prettiest. So! Hitomi, what-"

Hitomi was sitting on a chair with a shirtless Gaddess gyrating in front of her.

"…This isn't what it looks like."

"You gave me money to take my shirt off," Gaddess stated.

"…Okay it is what it looks like." She shoved him away and hurried over to Van. "Van, maybe you shouldn't pilot the Escaflowne any more. If it's damaged, the same thing will happen again. If it's destroyed, you'll-"

"It's fine, Hitomi!" Van rolled his eyes at her. "I know how to handle my period now! Just take lots of ibuprofen, drink some tea, lay down screaming for a bit, and I'll be fine!"

"You still think you…? Van, NO, you did NOT-"

"Fighters come," an Ispano suddenly interrupted. "Ispano not involved in your dumb shit. You leave!"

"Ugh! Cowards!" Allen sniffed in disdain. "…You guys got room for one more?"

"It must be Zaibach," Van said eagerly. "Let's go!" He stopped as the little Ispano sidled up next to him.

"Blood pact!" the Ispano said. "Think back to when got the Esca!" Van recalled slicing off his thumb before smearing some blood onto the Escaflowne's Energist. "You used Draconian blood! You no read fine print? That bad! Ispano can't guarantee!"

"What? You mean that voids the warranty?" Van growled in outrage. "That's bullshit!" Hitomi grabbed his arm and dragged him after the others. "I will be rating this place only…FIVE out of ten! You do good work but your customer service leaves something to be desired!"

-Outside-

"A-ha! You see?!" Dilandau shouted, he and his men fast approaching the hovering Ispano Factory in their melefs. "I told you I'd find that shit Van, and I DID! My keen senses are undeniable! I tracked him all the way here! And you idiots doubted me!"

"…We could see it from the Temple-"

"GODAMMIT CHESTA SO HELP ME-" The portal suddenly surged, the ship lifting back up into the other dimension. "You see it fucking HEARD how lame you are and LEFT! Just keep your mouth shut, Chesta!"

-Inside Dryden's Ship-

"Where are all your fucking Guymelefs?!" Allen's panicked voice echoed through Dryden's airship. "We can't fight Zaibach with gaudy lamps and bad art!"

"What do you expect? This is a merchant ship!" Dryden snapped back. "Why don't you just use your own melef?"

"Are you kidding me?! I just gave Sherry a wash!"

"No, Van! Stop! I won't let you!" Hitomi hollered, struggling to restrain him. "It's too dangerous! Let the others fight! I…I'll set Merle on you!"

"Let GO!" Van bellowed, pulling free. "No-one understands me! All these hormones and feelings are driving me crazy! I'm all bloated and I want chocolate! I'm going to my ROOM!" He burst into tears and ran up the stairs to the Escaflowne.

"Van LISTEN to me!" Hitomi shouted after him. "You did NOT start your-"

"He's startin' somethin' NOW!" The Escaflowne cut her off, its chest hatch slamming shut. The Ispano melef stood and stomped over toward the open bay doors, leaping out into open air.

"WHO THE FUCK LEFT THOSE OPEN?!" Hitomi shouted in exasperation. Then she spotted Allen standing next to the control switch. "You son of a bitch."

"…There was a bee-" he began feebly, then shrieked and ran as Hitomi lunged.

-Outside-

The Escaflowne switched to Dragon Mode in mid-air, sailing through the darkening clouds and lightning of a brewing storm to crash-land on the rocky terrain below, transforming once again. Dilandau and his men dropped from the sky like rain, enemy melef units surrounding Van in perfectly synchronized formation-

"Iiieeeee!" One soldier fell way off mark, landing upside-down into a bush.

"Remind me to kill that guy later," Dilandau ordered with a snap of his fingers. "He fucked up our entrance. No-one fucks up our entrance."

"Yes, sir."

"Now…" Dilandau sneered at his cornered prey, "the Dragon hunt is going to end today. I'm sick of this bullshit. Any last words? You know what, I'll just put you down with, 'shit self and cried like a baby'-"

"I'm warning you, you guys do NOT want to mess with me right now," Van growled out viciously, giving them one final chance to withdraw. "I'm…on my period!"

"…On your period?" Dilandau repeated in disbelief. "…Are you seriously that dumb? Christ, you are just like your broth- oH SHIT."

With a inhuman bellow of rage, Van drew the Escaflowne's blade and fell upon the Dragonslayers, blocking Crima Claws and dodging about as he began mowing them down like a deluxe lawnmower (it was just about as messy). He suddenly seized Gatti's melef and hauled it close.

"Do you have…chocolate?" he asked in a dangerous voice. Gatti gulped.

"Yes, I have chocolate in my pants."

"…Really?"

"No, it's shit. I shit myself."

"…That's disgusting, man," Van stated, then chopped his melef in half.

"Shit! Gatti! He had my markers!" Dilandau gasped in outrage. "And…Fuckface? Who were the other ones? Buttmunch? Whatever! Stealth Cloaks!" He ordered his remaining men. "Cuz they've always worked SO well before!" The melefs faded from view, Stealth Cloaks activating.

"You will not escape my unhealthy rage!" Van closed his eyes and imagined Hitomi's pendant swinging in his mind. Immediately his invisible foes appeared. "Ha! I can see them! I can see EVERYTHI- hold on is that a thong?"

"…I am not ashamed," Dallet got out before he was cut down with several others.

"This is for the Duke! And this is for Balgus!" Van howled, the blue flames of the demolished melefs scattered around him. He massacred more of Dragonslayers, an avenging angel of death and destruction- "And this is for CHOCOLATE-" …and dumb.

Hitomi and Merle were watching the massacre from above on Dryden's ship.

"Lord Van is winning!" Merle cheered. "Look, another one's down!"

"I am NOT hosing the Escaflowne off after this," Hitomi said, wincing at the mess. "I'll squirt Van in the face with the hose, but that's it."

"The fuck, you guys?!" Dilandau shouted in disgust, finally having enough of the one-sided battle. "I'm the only one allowed to slap the shit outta you chumps! Get IN there, Chesta!" He was met with silence. "…Chesta?" He turned to find Chesta's melef impaled on the Escaflowne's blade, twitching. "YOU BASTARD HE WAS MY FAVORITE-"

"Oh…Lord Dilandau…" Chesta gurgled, a warm feeling in his chest (though it could have just been the spreading blood).

"…TO SHIT ON."

"…I don't know what I was expecting," Chesta finished, then slumped over.

Van nonchalantly tossed the limp melef off the sword, taking a menacing step toward his prey.

"No!" Dilandau cried fearfully. "Wait! Hold on! Timeout!" He paused for a second, then shot a Crima Claw, which missed and only scratched the Ispano melef's cheek. A matching cut bloomed on Van's cheek, blood dribbling down.

"And lastly…this…" Van said dramatically, "is for…FANELIAAA!" Dilandau screamed as he surged forward, the Escaflowne's purple cape sweeping out behind him, lightning glinting off the sharp steel, a drop of blood from Van's cheek splashing onto the inner confines of the Escaflowne-

"Oh you did NOT just get blood in me AGAIN after I got all CLEAN!" the Escaflowne boomed, halting mid-stride.

"Esca, what the FUCK you just ruined my moment of glorious retribution-"

"Screw your retribution, I just got a makeover! It took hours! It HURT! That's it! You're in timeout!"

"You're not my MOM, can't put me in-" Van cut off as his world was engulfed by red. He suddenly found himself in a strange, dark world, as if time was frozen. "…Is this considered normal for your period-"

"Hold it right there!" Dallet said, appearing in front of the Escaflowne's visor. Van gasped.

"Stop!" Chesta solidified next to him. "We won't let you kill Lord Dilandau!"

"Lord Dilandau is our patron," Gatti explained, joining the others. The slain Dragonslayers surrounded Dilandau, shielding him, protecting him.

"He gave us our glorious Guymelefs!" They voiced together. "He raised us up! He slapped us! Called us names! Swore at us! And…and…"

There was a pause.

"…Why the hell are we even here?" one asked. The others shrugged.

"Well, I'm out."

"Yeah, me too."

"Fuck this. Where can we find some food in this dump?"

The crowd of Dragonslayers dispersed, muttering to one another, leaving Dilandau alone again. Van watched them go in silence, confused as fuck.

"…I really need to sit down with Hitomi and have her explain this period shit to me," he whispered quietly.

Back in the normal world, the Escaflowne stood stock-still, an ominous blackness creeping all over it. Once the melef was entirely engulfed, it fell backwards and hit the ground, unmoving.

"AAAAAAAaaaaaa…" Dilandau's horrified shriek petered out before cutting off, and he slowly opened his eyes, clearing his throat and looking around. He blinked when he saw the Escaflowne face-down in the dirt. "…I'm still counting this as a win. So what if my men were slaughtered, he's down and I'm not. Now I've gotta go, I need to start having interviews for my new bitches." So saying, he switched to flight mode and zoomed away only marginally faster than normal.

"Hitomi? Hitomi!" Merle gasped, noticing the fallen Escaflowne. "Oh no! Something's happened! What's wrong with Lord Van?"

"Good Lord, where do I even begin?" Hitomi sighed, a sinking feeling in her gut.

-Episode 14 End-