Chapter 14
The BIG SHINDIG
How can you combine a hillbilly wedding with a high society affair? That's the question that plagued Mr. Drysdale for one restless night. How to cater a wedding that would make his wife happy, his future-inlaws, and the Clampetts. At last he came up with the answer, swallowed a couple of his new tranquilizers, and fell into a deep sleep.
"One thing I've learned from all this" he told Miss Hathaway the following morning at the bank. "I'm through with these ridiculous stories I've been telling these last several years. Honesty is, as of now, the best policy!"
"Oh chief!" said Miss Hathaway admiringly. "How far you've come back! To tell the Clampetts the pure, unvarnished truth!"
"Not the unvarnished truth" said Mr. Drysdale sternly. "Even the truth can use a little varnishing!"
"I won't be a party to a deception at my own wedding!" Miss Hathaway said sternly. "If that's the case, I'll be leaving immediately!"
"What deception?" said Mr. Drysdale. "Here's what we do! What was popular a few years ago? Folk music! A lot better than that hippy stuff nowadays, at any rate. So, what do the Clampetts like? Genuine Tennessee folk music and folk cooking and folk dancing! On the invitations we simply say that our program at the wedding the Earl of Clampett will be honouring his native Southern United States with genuine Southern Cooking, Southern Dances like square dancing, the Virginia Reel, and whatever else they like. We'll also include English cooking, classical music and waltzes for Sir Wastrel Mendicant and my wife!"
"Why, that's . . . that's brilliant!" said Miss Hathaway. "And honest too!"
"Yes" said Mr. Drysdale smugly. "All the hillbilly guests and the high society leeches'll all fit in! Nothing blinds high society more than a long lineage and a fancy title! There's only one thing we have to do!"
"What's that?" asked Miss Hathaway.
"The Clampetts aren't too keen on classical music" explained Mr. Drysdale. "They think it's dull. (1) So you're going to sell them on letting it play at the wedding, Vivaldi, Brahms, all that stuff! You're also going to let Granny tolerate some English dishes being placed alongside her own!"
"But chief, why me!" said Miss Hathaway.
"You're going to be a member of the family" said Mr. Drysdale. "You love that music, so you're the best saleswoman. Rememeber, you're telling your inlaws the pure . . . varnished . . . truth. Combination English and Tennessee wedding! Everybody will come to that . . and they'll all love it!"
"Well, I think it's a good idea" said MIss Hathaway. "So, I'll ask."
"That's a good girl" said Mr. Drysdale, who took a surprisingly paternal tone. "Jethro's a lucky young man. He has a quarter of the Clampett fortune . . . and you!
"Oh, chief!" blushed Miss Hathaway.
So it came to pass that the Clampetts were obliging, and the wedding invitations read as follows:
Jedidiah Clampett, 17th Earl of Clampett, cordially invites you to the marriage of his daughter, Lady Elly May Clampett, to
United States Navy Lietenant Mark Templeton.
Sir Wastrel Mendicant, 10th Baronet Menicant, of Mendicant Hall,
and
Mr. and Mrs. Milburn Drysdale, of Beverly Hills,
coridially invite you to the marriage of Miss Charity Medicant of Mendicant Hall to Adonis Drysdale, Esquire, of Beverly Hills.
Mr. and Mrs. John Hathaway, of Boston,
and
Mrs. Pearl Bodine, of Oxford,
cordially invite you to the marriage of Miss Jane Hathaway of Beverly Hills to Mr. Jethro Bodine, Equire, Oxford. (2)
In honour of the Earl of Clampett's patronage of Tenessee traditional music, culture and cooking, such will be featured prominently at the wedding reception.
In honour of Sir Wastrel Mendicant's partonage of English art and culinary acheivements, such will also be featured at the reception.
Suprisingly, it all came together as planned. There were very few problems along the way. Mrs. Drysdale ended up pleased to in the forefront of the social event of the year, hillbillies or no. Miss Hathaway trained her replacement and went on her way with Mr. Drysdale's hearty congratulations. Sir Wastrel and his daughter Charity got along surprisingly well with the Clampetts. Mr. Drysdale arranged for the staffing of the wedding under the articles of the Treaty of Beverly Hills, aside from the many gourmet Tenessee dishes provided by Granny he managed to push all the work onto hired help. Finally, Mr. Drysdale, under the influence of the pills suscribed to him by his psychiatrist, made peace with the cost of the affair. It was a one time event after all, and the Clampetts were bearing the brunt of the expense.
When the guests had all arrived, the ceremony took place. There wasn't much difference between a Tenessee ceremony and an English one after all. (3) Each bride was walked down the aisle to her respective groom by her father. Each dressed in white. The frogman wore a dress uniform, which greatly impressed Elly May. Sonny Drysdale wore his tuxedo, which greatly amused Charity as Sonny liked to brag how dashing he looked. Jethro wore the tuxedo Miss Hathaway had picked out for him, which greatly relieved Jane to see Jethro had turned over a new leaf and was no longer too proud to take good advice.
It was actually here, the wedding had threatened to fall apart. Mark Templeton had wanted his brother, a backwoods Tennessee preacher, to do the honours. It was, after all, his brother, whose honesty and piety was beyond reproach, and also the one who sent him a letter introducing him to Elly. (4) The Clampetts, of course, were agreeable.
On the other hand, SIr Wastrel, his daughter, Mrs. Drysdale, and Sonny, had wanted the elderly and distintinguished Vicar of Mendicant Stage, Vicar Sydney Stodgy, to officiate.
The problem solved itself, as it turned out. Matthew Templeton couldn't leave his church and his family for a trip to Beverly Hills. So Vicar Stodgy it was. A humble and gracious minister, he even managed to charm Granny . . . and that wasn't easy. So all went well.
Elly May Clampett and the frogman were married first. Then came Sonny and Charity's turn. And finally Jethro and Jane.
It was a tossup as to who was crying more, Mrs. Drysdale or Granny.
"Oh, Milburn" Mrs. Drysdale sobbed. "I've lost my son! He's married!"
"About time too" said Mr. Drysdale. "But look, marrying the daughter of a baronet! Think of your social standing rising!"
"Oh, you say the loveliest things" said Mrs. Drysdale, wiping her tears away.
"I know" said Mr. Drysdale, who, unobserved by Mrs. Drysdale, was rolling his eyes.
As for Granny, she was inconsolable.
"This is the moment you've been waiting for all these years" said Pearl, who was herself in tears.
"I know" said Granny. "Ain't it beautiful! Elly's not going to be an old maid!"
"Neither is Jane" piped in the elderly Mrs. Hathaway. "It's a miracle!"
She started sobbing, which set off Pearl.
In the row behind the three sobbers, Joe Carson commented on the scene to his niece Kate Bradley and his friend Sam Drucker. (5)
"Women! Always balling!"
"You said it" said Roger Addison, who was sitting to Joe's right. Addison found himself poked in the ribs by his wife Kay.
"Quiet, Addison" said Kay. "I enjoy a good wedding and a good ball once in a while!"
"What would a wedding be without women crying?" said Wilbur Post.
"Wilbur!" said Wilbur's wife, Carol. (6)
"Well, he's right there" said Kate Bradly kindly. "Pleased to meet you, I"m Kate Bradley"
"Owner of the deluxe Shady Rest Hotel in Hooterville" put in Uncle Joe.
"I'm Wilbur Post, I was architect for the new Commerce Bank building. This is my wife Carol."
"And I'm Roger Addison" said Roger Addison. "Mutual friend of Milburn Drysdale and Wilbur Post, who obtained Wilbur the position as architect of the new bank building. And I'm sure you know my wife Kay?"
"You're an architect, Wilbur, eh?" said Uncle Joe. "Just the man we were thinking of for our plans to create the Shady Rest Annex, a new addition to the hotel . . . ."
"Uncle Joe!" said Kate sternly.
"Please, ve von't be able to hear the wedding back here!" said a woman with a rich Hungarian accent sitting behind Kate.
"No, we can't" said her husband, rather crossly.
"Oh, those are our friends the Douglases" said Uncle Joe. "Oliver Wendell Douglas and Lisa Douglas!" (7)
"Let's shush" said Kate. "Looks like there's more to the cermony. We can wait 'til after for the introductions."
"She's right!" said Granny. The conversation has reached her ears and she reacted crossly to the interruption. "Next one who speaks gets a shot of rock salt and bacon rind!"
That quieted most of the Hooterville contingent, as well as the Posts and the Addisons.
"Of all the . . . how did we get invited to this wedding again?" whispered Oliver Douglas to his wife, while keeping an eye on Granny.
"Vell, two reasons" Lisa whispered back. "Our name is in the blues book."
"Blue book" corrected her husband.
"And we met them back in Hootersville, on Thanksgiving, and we must have gotten on their list that way. And it's a good thing too. Everybodies was invited!"
Who came? It would be easier to say who didn't come to the wedding of the year! The Clampetts had once thought they met the President . . . so he received an invitation (8). President Nixon wasn't one to skip what might be a great opportunity to shore up contributions and support just before a election year. (9)
"Tell you the truth" said Jed Clampett to the President at the ceremony. "We was a little upset about the treatment we got when we went to pay you a visit at the White House last year."
"You should have called ahead" said Nixon. "Next time the first lady and I would be glad to receive you! I'll make sure security knows you'll be welcome!"
"That'll be jim dandy" said Granny. "Richard, you've got to be the best president since Jefferson Davis done beat the north."
Nixon looked suprised at that, but excused himself to meet more guests and solicit more donations.
The person responsible for the Nixon snafu was also there, both him and his wife Flo.
"Would you look at this, Flo!" said Honest John (10). "Who'd have thunk that we'd ever be invited to such a ritzy affair. With all the fat pigeons ready for the roasting!"
"Yes" said Flo sarcastically. "But that banker's provided so much security we can't try anything!"
"Well" said Honest John. "We might make contacts for later. At any rate, let's greet the Clampetts. Remember, you're not only my wife, you're supposedly to be a broken down old Indian women. (11)
"One of these days . . ." muttered Flo.
All high society came to the party. Everybody who had come to Elly's May wildly successful masquerade coming out party (12) was there. Some of the more distinquished guests had already met and were suprisingly fond of the Clampetts. The Countess Marie and her husband were there. She, for her part, made sure to remind Granny to send her that spring's batch of tonic. Mrs. Smith-Standish was there, a prominent geneologist, who found, with Mr. Clampett inheriting an earldom, that he was a descendant of one of the first settlers in Jamestown, Virginia after all. (13)
"I know" said Jed. "But an old mountain goat like me, I don't want to go around bragging about it."
"I think I understand" said Mrs. Smith-Standish amicably. "It'll just be a wonderful addition to our country's history books, but I think we can understand your privacy need be respected and that a lecture tour is out."
"I'll be much obliged" said Jed in kind.
"But I'll be honoured if we can again dance some of your wonderful old steps!"
"Now that" said Jed with a grin, "I can do!"
The Vanderponts were also there. Former hillbillies themselves, they had struck it rich in uranium and Mrs. Vanderpont had joined the social whirl (14).
Mr. and Mrs. Brewster were there. The Vice President of the O.K. Oil Company and his wife were happy to see the Clampetts overjoyed with their wedding. Granny was pleased to see the photos of their children.
"Oh, I remember when you adopted that there cute baby" Granny told Mr. and Mrs. Brewster, with a laugh. "I thought that you thought you was gonna go and get it from the store! I didn't know you were gonna give a foundling a happy home and a great Ma and Pa!
All of hill society came to the party as well. Everybody who was anybody or nobody in Oxford, Bugtussel or Silver Dollar City . . . or thereabouts . . . was given a free ticket to Beverly Hills to the wedding of the year. There was Amos Hogg, Mayor of Bugtussel (15). There was also the leader of Bugtussel society, the young widow of the blacksmith. Jed Clampett was careful to avoid her at all costs, she was again seeking a husband (16). Luke Short, the storekeeper, also payed a visit. (17). So were Jed's friends from Silver Dollar City, including Shad, the blacksmith, and former hotelkeeper Shorty Kellums. Elverna Bradshaw, Pearl and Granny's old nemises, had finally gotten herself married to Shorty Kellums. (18)
"Them two deserve each other'" Pearl told Jed.
"And we mean it in the worst possible way!" Granny added, cackling.
Lafe Krick, his daughter, his son-in-law and his son also arrived to freeload at the wedding (19). Fortunately, they were more than kept in line by the honest hillbillies in attendance.
Of relatives, there were plenty. Cousin Roy and (to Granny's dismay) his mother Myrtle were attending, no doubt with the fanciful idea of peddling mother Myrtle's poisonous concoction . . . as if it could even bear a candle to Granny's expertly prepared rheumatis' medicine! (20). Mrs. Drysdale's father, Mr. Farquar was there, of course. However, he was about as likely to get the Clampett money this time around as as Honest John. More money grubber's were in attendance in the person of Mrs. Drydale's nephew, an incompetent airforce officer (21), and Mr. Drysdale's nephew, Milby, a teenaged boy whose attidude to life was very much in the vein of Mr. Drysdale's late, unlamented father (22).
The Medicants hadn't any relatives, so they brought their servants the Graves' instead.
Respecting the Bodines, Jethro's sister Jethrine was also there, as was her husband saleman Jazzbo DePew. So was a distant relation, the Widow Poke, who got a rare treat as she was able to sit with her celebrity son Johnny Poke, the famous singer. (23)
Of celebrities, there were quite a few. No less a person than Gloria Swanson showed up at the wedding of her friends the Clampetts. (24) The Duke himself, John Wayne, was also a wedding guest (25). Pat Boone was an honored guest, and more than eager to taste Granny's fat back and collared greens. The head of the Clampett's movie studio, Mr. Chapman, arrived with several other stars and starlets in tow (26). Not the least amongst them was Dash Riprock, who had moved on from Elly but was there to wish her luck.
Jack Benny and Mary Livingstone arrived in Benny's old Maxwell. Jack Benny had never met the Clampetts but he was never one to pass up a free meal. He was pretty complimentary about Granny's cooking:
"You know, I'd have never thought groundhog, possum or even squirrel could taste so good" he told Granny.
"As old as you are, don't tell me you've never had possum!" said Granny, astonished.
"Yes, never in my thirty-nine years!" Jack Benny told her. (27)
"Thirty-nine" scoffed Granny. "You look as if you're about hitting it the second time around."
"More like the third time around" said Mary Livingstone.
"Now you cut that out!" Jack Benny protested.
Lisa Douglas also liked the food.
"This groundhog goulash is the best goulash I've tasted outside of Hungary" she told Granny.
"You like it so much, I'll make some to take home to Hooterville with you" Granny replied.
"Oh, do!" said Oliver Douglas. "Even groundhog would be a welcome change from eating Mrs. Douglas's hotcakes every morning!"
"Oliver!" Lisa protested.
Elsewhere, Wilbur Post has gotten into a involved conversation about Mister Ed.
"You see" said Wilbur post, opening his wallet. "That's my wife, Carol. These are our children, Wilbur and Carol Jr. And here's my horse, Mister Ed. Isn't he wonderful? He's a registered Palomino."
"That's a fine looking bit of horseflesh you've got there, pilgrim" said John Wayne, looking at the horse. "But I figure that he don't hold a candle to the specimins I've got in my stables."
"Trust me when I say that Mister Ed is one of a kind!" Wilbur replied.
The wedding was certainly one of a kind. The Clampett's friends Lester Flatt and Earl Scrugg's provided much of the country music (28). The Tennessee cooking, and even Granny's food had proved a real hit. The standard classical fare and English food didn't exactly suffer as a result, however they didn't shine out either.
It was a wedding where Mrs. Drysdale, of all people, could get in a long conversation about gardening with Elverna Bradshaw. Where Ravenworth and Graves discussed their past service in World War II. Uncle Joe tried to sell Jack Benny his acreage at the bottom of the swamp. Roger Addison, to his horror, found himself dancing with Jethrine Bodine. The Douglases found themselves talking politics with Nixon. Granny shared a jug with the Duke. Sir Wastrel, Mr. Brewster, and Mrs. Venderpont was made the successive targets of Honest John. On, and on, and on, it went.
Finally, late at night, or in the wee small hours of the morning, the shindig was over, the wingding was done. Mark and Elly Templeton were at a hotel, and the next morning would be en route for an African Safari. Sonny and Charity Drysdale were on their way to the French Riveira. Jethro and Jane Bodine went for their honeymoon in the Canadian Rockies.
Jethrine and Jazzbo put their children to bed, and followed suit.
A tearful Mrs. Drysdale had bid a fond farewell.
"Adeiu, my friends" she said. "Oh, what a fine wedding party!" (29)
"Don't mind her" said Mr. Drysdale, escorting his wife away. "Too much champagne!"
"Excellent vintage" said Sir Wastrel, following them unsteadily.
"That's because I mixed in some of my corn squeezings" said Granny. "That stuff was just plain pitiful without it!"
With the Drysdale's gone, Granny, Jed, and Pearl were left alone.
"To think I've been waiting ten years for this" said Granny.
"But it was well worth the wait!" said Pearl.
"But now it's over" said Granny, with a sigh.
"Oh no" said Jed, with a wink at Granny. "The best is yet to come."
"I guess you're right, Jed" said Granny, with a laugh. "I guess you're right."
NOTES
(1) The Clampetts reaction to classical music in "The Garden Party" and "The Clampetts Fiddle Around".
(2) Miss Hathaway is a victim of a gag in the second episode ("Getting Settled") regarding the Bodine's hometown of Oxford, Tennessee being mistaken for the English Oxford.
For the sake of argument, Templeton's parents are deceased while I've arbitarily decided to make Miss Hathaway's hometown Boston (which is where Mrs. Drysdale and her family originate). All that is explained in the series regarding Miss Hathaway's background is that she went to Vassar ("Jethro Goes to College").
(3) In "Wedding Plans", Granny makes Elly a fairly standard wedding dress. In "Do You Elly, Take This Frog?", Granny's nightmare suggests there's not much difference between a hillbilly and a non-hillbilly wedding ceremony.
(4) "Wedding Plans" and "Mark Templeton Arrives". Matthew Templeton mentions to Granny and Elly that he had never been to town before, so it seems unlikely he'd be able to make the trip.
In case the reader's interested in why the frogman? (I disliked the repetitive frogman episodes), it was a choice between him, Sonny Drysdale and Dash Riprock as Elly May's only real dates. He was the only one Elly seemed interested in (and recently too), so he wins by default. Elly, in fact, turned down both Sonny Drysdale ("Sonny Drysdale Returns") and Dash Riprock ("The Clampetts Play Cupid")
Miss Hathaway's was in love with Jethro on and off for most of the show, so it was a far more obvious and natural choice.
(5) Several episodes have the Beverly Hillbillies meet character's from Petticoat Junction and even visit Hooterville, i.e. "Granny Goes to Hooterville", "Sam Drucker's Visit", "The Clampett Hewes Empire". By extention, as the Beverly Hillbillies also meet Sam Drucker and Eb Dawson, the show in effect has a crossover with Green Acres as well.
(6) The Addisons and the Posts are all characters from Mister Ed. Wilbur Post (and Mister Ed) met Granny in the Mister Ed episode "Love and the Single Horse".
(7) Oliver Wendel Douglas and Lisa Douglas are the main characters on Green Acres.
(8) In "The Thanksgiving Story", the Clampetts spend Thanksgiving at the Shady Rest. The Douglases are also in attendance.
Rich Little impersonates Nixon in the "Pollution Solution"
(9) The show ended in 1971, 1972 was an election year.
(10) "Honest John" sells the Clampetts New York and Washington landmarks in the eight and ninths seasons respectively . . . only to end up feeling guilty and return their money.
(11) "Jed Buys the Capitol"
(12) "Elly May Comes Out"
(13) The Countess Maria appears in "Another Neighbour". Mrs. Smith-Standish appears in "The Family Tree" and "Jed Cuts Down the Family Tree".
(14) "Topless Anyone?"
(15) "Brewster's Baby". Granny never discovered the truth in that episode, but someone must have told her sooner or later.
"The Mayor of Bugtussel"
(16) "The Social Climbers"
(17) "The Indians Are Coming" is one of several episodes where he's mentioned.
(18) Starting with "Marry Me, Shorty", several episodes deal with Shorty trying to dodge marriage to Elverna Bradshaw. Granny's rivalry with Elverna Bradshaw is mentioned several times, most notable in "The Hills of Home". In the first season, Mrs. Bradshaw is a rival of Pearl's, as seen in "Jed Rescues Pearl".
(19) A few episodes in the second season feature greedy hillbilly conman Lafe Krick starting with "The Girl From Home".
(20) "Cousin Roy"
(21) "Our Hero" and "Our Hero, The Banker"
(22) "The LIttle Monster"
(23) "Teenage Idol" and "The Widow Poke Arrives".
(24) "The Gloria Swanson Story"
(25) John Wayne appears at the end of "The Indians Are Coming"
(26) Pat Boone appeared in "Collard Green an' Fatback".
The Clampetts acquire Mammoth Studies in "Jed Becomes a Movie Mogul".
(27) Jack Benny claimed to be thirty-nine for over forty years. His extreme stinginess was another of his running gags. Benny never appeared on the show, but was mentioned in "Jethro the Flesh Peddler". Jethro rents out the bank's fifth floor. Mr. Drysdale briefly considers trying to unload the fifth floor on a paying tenant, and is inspired by the fact that JB was also Jack Benny's initials. Miss Hathaway reminds Mr. Drysdale that Jack Benny would be unlikely to pay any more for the floor than Jethro.
(28) Lester Flatt and Earl Scrugg's appear in several episodes beginning in "Jed throws a Wingding"
(29) In "Another Neighbour", the socially successful party the Clampetts threw likewise softened Mrs. Drysdale's feelings towards them.