A/N: Hi, so while I realize that it is unlike me to not update for so long, I had some major writer's block, and I needed to take a step back for a little while, so I've been concentrating on my other story. But don't worry, I haven't forgotten about this one! And I'll try to be quicker next time, promise! Xoxo to all of you who are reading!

P.S. You may recognize some quotes from an actual episode of GG and obviously they do not belong to me.

Chapter 14: Opening

"It always shocked me when I realized that I wasn't the only person in the world who thought and felt such strange and awful things."
~ John Green, Looking for Alaska

"There is a saying in Tibetan, 'Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.'
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster."
~ Dalai Lama XIV

"I killed someone."

You know how sometimes people say that silence is louder than words? Well, it wasn't then. It was deathly quiet, as if all time and motion had stopped, as if all I had to do was say it was just a big joke and everything would unfreeze and go back to normal. Or maybe it would be better if I could jut rewind the seconds, all the moments of silence so palpable I was drowning in them, traversing through time. Every tick of the clock felt like an hour, but it was finally broken.

"S – Serena? Wh – what?" Not exactly what I was expecting, but it was relatively neutral and therefore graciously accepted.

"Well, it's kind of a long story," I began.

"Yeah, I'd imagine," Blair answered, still stupefied and unreadable.

"Maybe you should start at the beginning?" suggested Nate vigilantly.

"O – okay," I stuttered. "Obviously, you all know Georgina Sparks. Blair, do you – do you remember that night when I found out my mom was getting married to Klaus, and she would be spending all her time in Europe, essentially leaving Eric and me alone?"

"Yes, of course."

"Well, Eric and I were really sad and angry with her. My mom isn't exactly a candidate for mother of the year, but we were starting to feel like a family, and she suddenly pulled the rug out from under us, you know? And with Eric still in recovery after his suicide attempt that winter, it felt like… I don't know. Like the worst possible time for husband number three to enter the picture, and then walk out of it, taking Mom with him. Eric and I decided to go out to get our minds off of it."

"I remember meeting you guys. I took Eric home. You seemed out of it but you said you wanted to stay."

"Yeah I did. But what you didn't know is Georgina and I had plans to meet up after, so I headed straight to her. Little did I know, she had a surprise waiting for me. She was there with Pete Fairman, bottles of alcohol, and – and coke. Lots of it. When I got there, I was already drunk, but I kept drinking anyway. Eventually Pete started coming on to me pretty strongly, and I told him I wanted to do some lines first. He did one and – " my throat caught and made an ugly choking sound.

"S, it's okay, keep going."

"I can't," I whispered, shaking my head. "I'm scared."

"Yes, yes you can. We're right here." Blair squeezed my hand, and I closed my eyes, letting the horrible images piece together.

"He did one, and – and he started having seizures and – and foaming at the mouth, and I was so afraid. I was going to call 911, but Georgina told me we needed to get out of there – to grab my stuff and go, but I couldn't – I couldn't leave him like that, all alone. So I called on his cell phone and left. Then Georgina told me we had to split up. After, I waited near the hotel across the street. All I wanted was to see the paramedics helping Pete... but that's not what I saw. I didn't know what to do. I – I just knew I had to leave right away."

"So you got on a plane," Blair said quietly. "And disappeared for almost the whole summer with no word of explanation besides the excuse that you had to get away from the city for a while."

"Now you know the real reason why. And thank you, by the way, for not asking me to explain."

"You're my best friend," replied Blair with a shrug. "And I couldn't have gotten through the year without you. But there is something I should say."

"What?"

"It wasn't your fault."

"How can you say that?" I asked, aghast. "I was the one who said we should do coke! I was the one who left!"

"And I was the one who told my dad to leave and felt responsible for him getting into a fatal car accident." Blair lowered her eyes and raised them up again to meet mine with mulish conviction. "Serena, it wasn't your fault. And you know I understand how you feel."

"But Blair, it's – "

"No, it's not. Pete was going to do those drugs anyway. He was an addict, S. And while I would never wish his fate on my worst enemy, it was only a matter of time before it happened. You feel responsible, but you're not." She hugged me and rubbed a hand through my hair. "Everyone has things they're ashamed of, S. It's getting past them and overcoming that separates the strong from the weak."

"She's right," said Chuck. "You two don't think you're the only ones with a dark past, do you?"

"If it's Georgina you're referencing, I'd rather not have any details," Blair muttered, giving Chuck cause to crack a slight smirk.

"No, it wasn't Georgina. I've tried to block that from my mind completely. Bitch is psycho." We all nodded in agreement. "It's my father. He blames me for my mother's death. She died after giving birth to me. For a long time, I blamed myself too."

"Wait, hold on," Nate interrupted. "Am I the only one here who doesn't or didn't at one point hold themselves responsible for killing someone?"

"It sounds so crazy when you say it like that."

"Yeah, it does," Blair agreed with a small smile in my direction. "Hey, Nate, I think I have an idea so that you don't feel left out."

"You know, Blair, I think I'm good," said Nate, taking a few steps back. "Really," he emphasized.

"So I guess we'll have to come up with another plan for getting rid of Georgina," Blair sighed. And miraculously, wondrously, we laughed – all four of us, in pitches high and low, dynamics soft and loud, until our stomachs ached and we had tears on our faces. Whether the tears were of joy or pain for everyone else, I didn't know. But as for me, they were a little of both, and yet somehow, that was okay. I was okay.

…

"Chuck?" Blair shifted onto her side and whispered to the blanket-covered lump beside her. "Chuck?"

"What?" he whined. "I was asleep!"

"We never got to finish talking about your mom." The lump rolled over.

"We don't need to."

"We do."

"Don't."

"Is this really how you want to argue it?" Blair ran a hand over the top of the blanket, trying to find the corner to pull it off.

"I thought bring-your-own-skeleton-in-the-walk-in-closet show and tell was over." He groaned as Blair succeeding in throwing the blanket over his head.

"Well, it's not. Now tell." She pried his hands from his face, forcing him to look at her while they lay parallel to each other in the hospital bed. "Or I swear I won't be showing you that ridiculous outfit you bought for me earlier."

"Resorting to threats, Waldorf? Tempting, but you forget who you're threatening."

"And you forget who's threatening you." At this, he gave her a wry smile.

"Put the outfit on now, and I'll spill like I'm on a therapist's velvet chaise lounge."

"Chuck, it's four in the afternoon," she told him, rolling her eyes. "We obviously fell asleep while we were plotting about Georgina, and I'm not going to have my doctors come in to check on me only to see me with bed head and in a skimpy excuse for a nurse's outfit."

"Are you worried it will imply that you haven't been getting your proper rest?"

"That's exactly what - "

"Because I'm planning on making it true," he interrupted, catching her lips in his before she could come up with a retort.

"Chuck - "

"No talking yet," he commanded. In between kisses, Blair attempted to maneuver her face far enough away to get a word out.

"Serena," she gasped.

"If you wanted to bring Serena into this, all you had to do was ask," Chuck smarmed. He lifted his thick, dark eyebrows nearly to his hairline and smirked. "Three may be a crowd, but it's a fun crowd."

"You're heinous," Blair announced, pulling her covers up to her chin. "And I meant that Serena is sleeping in the chair in that corner." She pointed to the source of the soft snores that were reverberating through the room.

"Well, I don't mind having an audience. Maybe she'll pass on what she learns to that hopeless boyfriend of hers."

"Though I agree that he's quite hopeless, I have to insist that we get back to a relevant subject. Tell me about what happened with your mother. Please," she added, indefatigable in her badgering.

"Why do you want to know so badly?" he asked, in such a way that allowed Blair to discern a vulnerable, curious cadence in his voice.

"Because your past is a part of you, and I want to see everything." As Chuck's lips tilted upward, Blair quickly tacked on, "And don't even bother to share whatever raunchy joke you were about to."

"How did you know I was going to turn it into a joke?"

"I do know some aspects of your personality already, and proclivity for creating as many sexual innuendos and gags as possible is among the first I discovered." She narrowed her eyes, their dewy brown bright with aplomb.

"And in you I discovered a habit of invoking a petulant attitude to get what you want."

"I really don't want to ask you again," she huffed, affirming his remark.

"Okay," he sighed, "Fine. After my mother, Evelyn, gave birth to me, according to medical records I've seen, she didn't stop bleeding. The doctors tried injecting oxytocin, but it didn't work. There was nothing they could do, and she died within two hours. I think it's the biggest reason my father and my relationship is the way it is. If she had left us, maybe things would be different. He would still see her when he looked at me, but not with bitterness or blame. Or maybe it wouldn't be different at all. I don't know…" he trailed off and looked surprised to see her still next to him, as if he had been talking to himself and only just remembered he wasn't alone.

"Have you told Bart how you feel?"

"Tell Bart about feelings?" he replied, barking out a laugh. "The two are like oil and water - bound to stay apart no matter how hard you try to push them together." He shook his head disconsolately. "He's so robotic that sometimes I stare at his back just to make sure there isn't a plug sticking into it."

"That's what I used to think about my mom, but we talked things out yesterday, and it was so good for both of us. What she had to say surprised me, and Bart might surprise you," she said gently.

"I doubt it."

"Well, if what you're saying about your relationship is accurate, then I don't see how you have anything to lose."

"I suppose it would be difficult to make things worse," he conceded, with a pensive look.

"That's the spirit! Now let's muster up some enthusiasm and resume our plotting against Whoregina! We may as well leave it to the experts, considering Serena's no help anyway, and Nate - wait, where is Nate?"

…

Nate took a deep breath as he entered the frozen yogurt shop. This was it - the moment he was going to ask Jenny out. While the timing wasn't exactly desirable with Georgina's ultimatum looming over his head, he wanted to give things a shot with the young Humphrey before Georgina brought the wrath and fiery doom of hell to his life in Manhattan.

"How's the cotton candy?" he heard Jenny ask.

"Not as sweet as you, doll," a tall man in a suit replied with a wink. Nate's hands balled into fists at the crude comment from the guy who must be at least thirty.

"Hey, watch your mouth," he fumed, embargoing the conversation by sandwiching himself between Jenny and the older man, who upon closer inspection was at least a head taller than Nate and had supple limbs that were pure muscle.

"Whoa, Junior, no need to get upset," the man returned with a sardonic grin. "I was just giving your girlfriend a well-deserved compliment, wasn't I sweetheart?"

"I'm not his girlfriend," Jenny said, pushing Nate out of her way. "But regardless, I don't want anything to do with you."

"Yeah, well your loss," he snapped, unable to come up with an intelligent rejoinder. After he stormed off, throwing his cup of pink yogurt in the trashcan along the way, Nate turned to Jenny.

"Hey, so not exactly how I planned this to go," he started, scratching the back of his neck with a grin.

"What do you mean how you planned this to go?" she questioned.

"I was kind of, uh…" he bit his lip and released a laugh that bubbled forth with nerves.

"You were kind of what?" asked Jenny, giving him a smile of her own.

"Do you want to go out tonight? Like to dinner?" Jenny's eyes widened, and her face took on a look of reticent skepticism.

"Really?"

"Would I be this nervous if I didn't want to?"

"I guess not," she said, giggling. "Yes, I would love to."

"Awesome," he breathed, feeling his heartbeat start to wind down and settle into a normal rhythm. "How does seven sound? And would you rather eat here or in Brooklyn, because I have to admit, I don't know any restaurants there, but if it would make you more comfortable, then we can definitely - "

"Nate," Jenny interrupted, laughing louder now. "Relax. I'm sure whatever you plan will be fine. Just text me the place later, and I'll meet you, okay?"

"Okay, yeah. Okay," he repeated dumbly before coming to his senses. "Wait, but I don't have your number. You never texted me after school on our first day."

"Oh right," she said, "everything that happened with Blair made me completely forget. Here." She took his phone and added her contact information. "Now you can reach me even when I'm across the bridge."

"Jenny?" Kati and Iz walked in the shop, followed by Nelly and Hazel. "Sorry we're late, we got stuck waiting for - " Kati immediately stopped her excuses when she saw Nate. "Oh sorry, I didn't mean to - "

"No, that's all right. I was just leaving. See you later Jenny." He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and was gone before she even realized what happened, but it would be all she could think about until seven that night. It was true that she was only a temporary queen, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to keep her king - permanently.