Tony never thought something so small could be so noticeable.
The spot wasn't big, maybe the size of a grape, and it only went a few millimetres deep into the wood, a peeled back chunk exposing a patch of unprotected wood tinged a red ochre. Nothing around it was stained the same, the protective layer that kept the rest of the wood dark brown and smooth had done its job, though that one area still stood out, telling a story of what had happened that night. After Howard died, the cleaning service had tried their best to get the blood and brain off of the surface, and Tony couldn't fault them for the job they did. It wasn't one he could have done himself, even if he was the one to pull the trigger on his father himself, but seeing the aftermath was something entirely different.
Every time Tony looked at that spot, every time he saw Howard's blood, he could hear Howard's voice screaming at him.
"Tony…Tony!" Steve said loudly, trying to break his husband's concentration off the floor and onto something, anything else.
"Hm?" Tony looked up, trying to look innocent as he continued to walk over to their new couch to take a seat. He wasn't about to keep the one that Bucky had been shot on. That was easily replaceable, that had been done immediately.
"Bucky has changed his mind about something," Steve said from the other end of the couch, Bucky's head in his lap. "He wants to find out what we're having, so I booked an appointment for this afternoon."
"That's never one hundred percent, they might discover something about themselves down the road," Tony said softly, looking out the window before giving his head a little shake and looking at Bucky. "Not that I'm trying to ruin the excitement, I'm just…it's fine. I think it's a good idea."
"If something happens down the road, we'll support them and love them and let them be who they want," Steve said in a reassuring tone, petting Bucky's hair as he watched Tony, concerned about how he'd been acting in the two weeks since they'd returned to their home.
"I thought it would help us talk about names. We've only really been joking about it so far," Bucky said, his hand on his stomach, which was getting bigger by the day now.
"I'm so bad at naming things, I think I should be out of the running," Steve said with a little laugh. "We had two alley cats outside of our place and I named them Mr. Tabby and Mrs. Black, and then it turns out I got it backwards and Mr. Tabby had Mrs. Black's kittens."
"You're not out of the running, your input is still important," Bucky sat up a bit before flopping back against Steve, looking up at him. "I've only named stuffed animals as a kid, so I'm probably not going to be any good at it. And we can't let it all go to Tony."
"You don't want that, I'd name them them something nerdy," Tony laughed a little, trying to think of something off the top of his head that wasn't his father's name. "Uhm…Luke and Leia? No matter what we're having, that's it. They're just Luke and Leia."
"I don't think that's going to work," Steve chuckled softly, trying to keep things light hearted even though he could see how distracted Tony was. "Bucky, why don't you go have a shower? It'll help pass the time til we talk to Dr. Marner."
"Okay," Bucky grunted, getting up with a little difficultly. "I don't want to get any bigger than this."
"You're at twenty six weeks, you're going to get bigger," Steve said as he gave him a hand getting to his feet. "Don't take a long shower, don't tire yourself out."
"I'll be fine," Bucky said as he walked awkwardly away, trying his best not to waddle as he headed up the stairs, hanging tightly to the railing.
"I know…" Steve waited for the sound of the shower upstairs before he turned to Tony, looking very serious. "Tony, if you can't stay here, you have to tell us now. You have to tell me now."
"I'm okay, really," Tony said after a minute, ignoring the voice in his head that insisted he clearly wasn't even close to okay.
"Bucky knows, Tony. If your goal was to protect his feelings, he's already guessed," Steve said with a sign, getting up to go sit closer to his husband, wrapping an arm around him. "Of course it was going to bother you, even if it was a stranger it would probably bother you, not many people can just shoot someone and be instantly okay."
"That doesn't mean I regret it, though," Tony said stiffly, looking down at the red pillow he was hugging against his chest. "That doesn't mean I wouldn't do the same thing again to protect my family."
"I wasn't doubting that, but if you need to get out of here, we can go stay somewhere in town and have the floor fixed," Steve offered, desperate to get that spot off the floor too. "Or if you need to sell this place…"
"No, he's not wrecking this place for us," Tony said sternly, getting to his feet immediately, looking both angry and determined. "This is Bucky's home, we are not taking him from again. The hospital was bad enough."
"Tony, we're Bucky's home. He was happy in the mansion too, right?" Steve pointed out, sure that Bucky would agree with him on this. "He wants you to be happy, and the only reason I'm not including him in this talk right now is because his blood pressure was a bit up today."
"I'm not selling this place, I still think it would break his heart, I'm not…" Tony shook his head, dropping the pillow back down on the couch beside Steve, going into the kitchen to pour himself a drink. "If his blood pressure is up, he doesn't need to be somewhere other than home. He needs his own bed, his own things, his own space."
"And what about you? Are you going to keep staring at that spot and torturing yourself?" Steve asked as he stood up as well, following Tony, and leaning against the island as he watched Tony toss back some whiskey. "This isn't the answer either."
"Depends what the question is," Tony said, filling his glass again, clearly not caring that it was still early in the day.
"You're right. Like if the questions is 'what's the stupidest thing I could do now?'," Steve shot back, reaching out to grab the bottle. "I am not trying to tell you what to feel right now, Tony, but I am begging you to look for another way to deal with it because I do not want to lose you to drinking. You will break Bucky's heart, you won't be able to be there for the kids, and I don't want to lose you either."
"You're not going to lose me," Tony said angrily, half wanting to take the bottle back, but he didn't want to escalate things between them. "I just need some time, like you said, no one gets over something like this overnight."
"Will you talk to someone? You got a doctor to do video calls for a pregnant man, I'm sure you can find a therapist to talk to that way, and I can take Bucky somewhere so you have privacy," Steve suggested, trying to keep his voice calm and gentle, knowing that the last thing Tony needed right now was a fight, and they'd already narrowly avoided one.
Tony opened his mouth, not sure whether he was going to argue or relent, when he heard the basement door close. Putting down his empty glass down, he followed Steve out of the kitchen and into the main room. Immediately, he saw Bucky, wet haired and in his pyjamas, on his hands and knees between the back of the couch and the dining room table, grunting as he stabbed at the floor with a keyhole saw.
"Bucky, holy shit, get up!" Steve hurried to his side, wanting to pull him out of there so he could finish the work himself. He wasn't denying that this was a good idea.
"No, I'm doing this," Bucky gritted his teeth, stabbing into the wood clumsily, and trying to cut away all of that broken piece. He didn't care what the floor was going to look like after, he was making sure it was clean though.
"There's probably a better tool for that. What else is downstairs?" Steve immediately headed for the basement, hoping to find something more effective than the keyhole saw amongst the old tools that had been sold with the house.
"Bucky. you don't have to do that. You shouldn't be, you might cut yourself," Tony said as he knelt down as well, glad that he hadn't drank enough to make his head swim.
"I want to do it for you," Bucky said, biting this inside of his cheek as he managed to peel off a piece of blood covered wood, setting it neatly aside before he began to saw at it again.
"You don't owe me anything, you know that right?" Tony asked, reaching his hand out to touch Bucky's shoulder, giving it a squeeze as he watched his husband working on the floor.
"…I know you and Steve would say that, but it's not as easy to convince me it's true," Bucky grunted, taking another small piece and putting it with the first. "Just let me do this and I promise you I'll stop apologizing to you."
Tony plunked down on the floor, tired of squatting, watching as Bucky took apart the offending stain, wondering if it was as easy as this to ease his mind. "You're doing a good job at that. Should have used the chainsaw in the shed though, it'd be done in four cuts."
"Like I know how to operate a chainsaw. I couldn't even use a microwave until a couple months ago," Bucky said, holding the handle tight as he stabbed at the wood until he was stuck in deep enough that he could push a piece off. "This is good enough."
"Your back and shoulder must be killing you, though, you don't have to do it all now," Tony said softly, wishing Bucky would stop, especially when he could see him hurting. "You're supposed to be resting with your blood pressure. Let me take you to the couch."
"Almost. Just give me this, please, let me do this for you," Bucky gripped the saw tighter in his metal hand, breathing hard as he tried to ignore the pain in his body. "I'm almost done…"
"Is he still on the floor? Tony, get him up, I got this," Steve said, coming up the stairs with an electric handheld saw, holding the cord in his hand as he walked over.
"Leave him," Tony didn't want to agree with Bucky's logic that he should do this, but he wanted the burden lifted from him, and he knew that would be worth a bit of pain in Bucky's books.
"I've got this, then we have to burn these pieces so you can't see them again," Bucky cut off the majority of the spot, working on the last of it now, though the pain in his shoulder was starting to get overwhelming. "I don't want you to have to look at it ever again."
"I'll start a fire," Steve said, going to the wood stove to throw in some paper and kindling with a smaller log, lighting it up so the flames would be ready for the bits of their floor.
"I think you have it, Bucky," Tony said as the last little piece splintered away, frowning when he saw the spot of blood on Bucky's shirt. "No no no, you're done. No more." Reaching for Bucky, he wasn't surprised when the younger man pulled away, going at a bit of floor that didn't appear to have anything on it. "Bucky!"
"I don't want you to hate me!" Bucky yelled back at him, chipping harder at the wound in the floorboard, frantically, leaning over even more to look for any hint of red.
"I don't hate you, I couldn't hate you, I love you with all of my heart!" Tony stressed to him, not wanting to pull on Bucky, knowing that it would make his shoulder worse. The few drops of blood on his shoulder had turned into one large spot with a line descending from it.
"You're going to hate me…" Bucky wept, trying to jab the saw into the wood again, though it fell from his weak grip. "You're going to hate…"
The second it clattered to the floor, Tony was over in a flash, pulling Bucky into his arms and onto his lap, rocking him slowly. He felt like his heart was breaking as Bucky sobbed, feeling both tears and blood soaking into his own shirt as he held him close. The thought that he'd been walking around with that much guilt on his chest hurt him deeply, and looking up into Steve's eyes, he realized he wasn't the only one who felt like that.
"Go get us each a new shirt, I'll clean him up," Tony said, slowly getting up and pulling Bucky with him, making sure to grab the pieces of wood Bucky had dug out of the floor as Steve disappeared up the stairs "Do you want to throw these in the wood stove, Buck? Then I can clean you up and have you ready for Dr. Marner's phone call."
Bucky just nodded, taking the bits off Tony and walking over to throw them in the fire unceremoniously. He felt like the emotional outburst had drained him along with the pain, and he just wanted to close his eyes and forget about the rest of the day. He didn't want to disappoint the others, though, so he still felt obligated to having an ultrasound and finding out what they were having. They couldn't just call them Luke and Leia.
"Come here…" Tony led Bucky over to the couch, sitting down with him before he carefully took the younger man's shirt off, holding it against the wound. "Bucky, you have to take it easy, this is a serious wound, you could have really hurt yourself. Not again, okay? Promise me."
"I promise," Bucky said softly, reaching up to rub at his eyes, wiping them on his flannel pants when he was done. "I really love you, Tony, I really do."
"And I love you," Tony said, cupping Bucky's cheek in his hand, leaning in to press their lips together for a moment. "You didn't think I loved you less because of what happened, do you?"
"Not right now, no, I know you love me a lot, but I was afraid that maybe down the road, you'd…" Bucky bit his lip hard, not wanting to even think about it, though he felt like Tony deserved the truth. "I thought maybe when the kids were born, and they ask about Grandpa, and you'd realize you've had to live without him because of what happened with me."
"You did not cost me my father, I promise you, and I'm not going to feel differently," Tony said softly, looking into Bucky's eyes as he stroked his thumb along his cheekbone. "As for the kids, we can lie or something. And when they get to be teenagers, then we can tell them the truth about him, unless that steps on the toes of what you want to tell them about yourself."
"I don't want to lie to them, I don't think I could keep up a lie that big," Bucky said, wincing a little from the pain in his shoulder, hoping that he hadn't made things worse for himself. "If you want me to say someone else did that to me, we can…"
"And protect him? No. No, I'm not lying to the kids at all, you're right. I don't want to have stories I need to keep straight," Tony looked behind him as Steve came down the stairs with a couple of new shirts and the first aid kit. "Steve, we're telling the kids the truth about Bucky, and my dad, and anything else they need to know about. We're just going to have to figure out how to say it."
"If that's what you two want, I'm on board," Steve said as he opened the first aid kit, taking out a wipe to clean the area and a pad of gauze to put back on it. "Kids are smart, they'd figure out the truth if we didn't give it to them, and they wouldn't trust us. So I like this. We just have to tell them in a way that they understand."
"It's probably good we had this talk. We don't tend to discuss the more depressing parts of our lives," Tony said, helping Steve clean Bucky's shoulder so they could re-bandage it. It had mostly stopped bleeding now, but it was going to need changing soon.
"I think you two just don't want me to sad. Even if we watch a sad movie, you're so quick to start joking after, like I'll break if I start to cry," Bucky pointed out with a weak smile on his face. He was thankful that they cared for him as much as they did, even if they were too careful with him sometimes.
"Because you're been sad enough in your life, we want to turn that around," Steve said as he sat behind Bucky, rubbing his back in slow circles, leaning down to press a kiss to the back of his neck. "Are you still up for that appointment? We really don't have to if you're not feeling okay."
"And disappoint you both? No, I'm really fine with it," Bucky insisted, relaxing at Steve's touch, his hand going down to his stomach. "I can feel them moving a bit, I think they want me to go through with it."
"If you're sure," Tony took off his shirt, switching it with the new one, and taking both soiled shirts to the wood stove. Looking over at Bucky leaning against Steve, the young man's eyes still red with tears, Tony took a deep breath and pursed his lips. "…I'm going to get a therapist, I'm going to talk to someone about my father. And I think Bucky could use one too."
"I don't know. Talking to a stranger alone is a really big step, but you've made some of those already," Steve said, looking at Bucky and taking his hand.
"…if Tony's doing it, I should do it too," Bucky said, not sounding as sure of himself as he meant to, swallowing hard the more he thought about it. "I mean…could you go with me?"
"We could work something out to at least start like that," Steve was sure that had to be true, and if anyone could find a doctor to work with them, Tony could. "Why don't we see if we can do that tomorrow?"
"Soon's as good as any time…" Tony said as he went to get the ultrasound machine, plugging it in as he pushed it over, feeling like they should do this now, hoping the doctor wasn't busy. He just needed to think about something else for now. "Why don't we call now?"
"If…if you want. Bucky?" Steve asked, not sure why Tony wanted their appointment to be pushed up, though he supposed that he was just stressed out.
"I'm okay with doing this now," Bucky said, figuring there was no point putting a shirt on for a woman that was going to see him naked soon.
"Excellent. Good. I just sent her a text," Tony said, taking a seat on the couch again, setting his phone on the table beside him. "I'm sorry, it's just been a very intense day so far, I just need to do something nice."
"It's fine, I'm not going to be upset because you're taking care of yourself. We were doing this anyway," Steve reached over, taking Tony's hand and giving it a squeeze. "We'll just get to find out sooner, hopefully."
"…we should guess, I mean, there's really only three combinations, winner doesn't have to make dinner tonight?" Tony suggested, looking over at his phone to see if the doctor had messaged back before turning his attention back to Steve and Bucky.
"Bucky's never made dinner. And what if we can't tell?" Steve asked with a little smile, running his finger over the back of Tony's hand. "You're just going to help me make it anyway, aren't you?"
"If we don't find out, the bet is off, that's the fairest way to do it," Tony said, trying to keep a straight face. "And no, you have to look after dinner if you lose. You have to drive to town and get a large pizza."
"Driving down that road is punishment enough," Steve said with a laugh, glad to see Tony smiling after how upset he'd been this morning. "Okay, I think we're having two boys."
"It is. Bucky will have to serve out his punishment at home, because we're having two girls. Sorry you got last choice, Bucky, it's just because we weren't going to make you go in the car either way," Tony winked at his smaller husband, giving him a smile. "I think you'll like your punishment, don't worry."
"I'm not worried," Bucky said as he smiled back, his hands on his stomach as the babies moved inside him. "I think they're on my side right now, so I'll say I'm pretty sure we're having one of each."
"We'll love whatever we get, won't we?" Tony said, bringing his hand over to touch Bucky's very round stomach, watching as the twins moved under his skin, a sight that he didn't think he'd ever get used to both for the awe of watching his children and the fact that Alien had been one of his favourite movies as a kid.
"We wi-" Steve turned his head as the computer began to ring. Letting Tony sit up to accept the car, not wanting to disturb Bucky's head in his lap, he smiled as Dr. Marner appeared on the screen. "Hi, Laura, sorry if we interrupted your plans."
"Not at all, I was just packing and doing laundry, and then and seeing if I had time for a nap before you called. This is actually more convenient," she said as she looked at Bucky, still amazed every time that a young man was carrying twins for as long as he had. "I will be up there and able to see Bucky in person this weekend."
"Thank you so much. Thank you so much for that," Tony said, hooking up the ultrasound to the computer before sitting back on the couch. "We probably should have just waited until you're up here for this. Sorry."
"It's fine, really, I'm pretty much packed," Dr. Marner said, waving off his concerns with a smile. She still felt bad for telling Howard where they were, and while they didn't blame her, she still felt it was up to her to make sure Bucky was alright.
"We have a bet on what I'm having," Bucky added to the conversation, glad that he wasn't nervous talking to her now, it was going to make her visits a lot easier.
"Don't tell me who has what, I'd like to be surprised," she laughed, watching as Tony squirted some gel on Bucky's belly before taking out the want, wasting no time to find out what they were having.
"I'll start here. Don't tell us til the end, we need to build suspense," Tony said, figuring he'd seen them moving in that area not long before. "Okay, that's an octopus. Where do I go go now?"
"Two o clock…five…just a little more…eight…" It took a lot of numbers and patience, but after a few minutes, Dr. Marner had her notes, and she was facing the camera with a smile. "The twins are doing great, all of you, the one is bigger than the other, but they're both healthy sizes. Are you ready to find out what you're having?"
"I think so," Bucky said, using some paper towel to clean his stomach off before taking his husbands by their hands, holding them tightly.
"Alright. Well, the biggest baby is a girl, and…" Dr. Marner paused, trying to be a little dramatic for them. "And the other is a boy. Congratulations, who had one of each?"
"That's me," Bucky smiled as he raised his hand, though he knew he'd have loved any outcome.
"Luke and Leia. I called it," Tony said as he put the ultrasound machine away.
"No, we're not calling them that, stop it," Steve argued gently, though at this moment he was almost happy enough to buy into Tony's idea. He was going to have a son and a daughter, he had his two husbands, his heart couldn't get any more full at that moment.
"We'll talk names later, we have to celebrate," Tony said, turning to the computer. "Dr. Marner, thank you so much for your help. When you arrive, let me know what time you're coming in. I'll make sure one of us is there to help you with your bags."
"Thank you, I appreciate that, I'll be in touch," Dr. Marner said before turning the feed off, knowing the three men wanted to celebrate.
"Seriously…a boy and a girl…" Bucky said, hugging his stomach, looking like he was in shock. They suddenly felt so much more real to him, and the fact that they were only a couple months away made him terrified as well as elated. "We need to come up with names, so…everyone start thinking about that."
"We have lots of time, don't worry," Steve reassured Bucky, rubbing his good shoulder to ease some of the tension in it. "Even if they don't have names for a bit after they're born, they're babies, they won't know the difference."
"Steve's right, let's think about that later and celebrate now. I'll go into town later, get pizza and drinks, and we'll let Bucky pick the movie," Tony said, sitting down and putting Bucky's legs in his lap. "For now, you have both of us, Bucky, what would you like to do?"
Bucky looked between them at the wide smiles on both their faces, a small one appearing on his own as he leaned back against Steve and closed his eyes. "How about we just lie together for a bit?" Bucky said sleepily, already worn down with the excitement of his day, though he wasn't ready to take a nap just yet. "Our bed?"
"Our bed sounds perfect," Tony said, hoping that this was Bucky's not so subtle way to get them all naked together. "Need a hand up the stairs?"
"If you don't mind…" Bucky said as Tony helped him to his feet, and then swept him off them. "I don't ever want to say no to you when you want to spoil me."
"Good news, you don't have to," said Steve as he followed them up the stairs, ready to kiss Bucky so hard he wouldn't be able to breathe.
"Exactly," Tony said as he walked over to it, resting Bucky on the bed, and leaning in to start undressing him. "You're in good hands, baby."