They sat on the couch in a comfortable silence for several moments, simply looking into each other's eyes and drinking each other in. Then Olivia said hesitantly, "Alex?"

"Yes?"

"Have you – have you ever done this before?"

"What do you mean?"

Olivia's breath caught, and she was quiet for a moment, groping for the right words. Finally, she settled on, "The way I feel about you – the way I care about you – I hope I'm not presuming that you feel something for me, too –"

"No, of course not, Liv," Alex said softly. "I – I care about you, too. More than I've ever cared about anyone, I think." Then she blushed, ducking her head and averting her gaze from Olivia's.

Olivia waited until Alex looked up again, and then she smiled, trying to convey the tenderness and the – the love she felt for Alex in her eyes, praying that Alex would see it, even without her saying the words. "So have you ever done this before?" She was careful to keep her tone gentle, unassuming. "With another woman, I mean."

Alex nodded slowly. "Have you?"

"Yes. When I was twelve, I had the biggest crush on my English teacher. The good news was that I was well-versed in all of our seventh grade English texts, so I was totally her pet. The bad news was that she was married. To a man, of course. Go figure." Olivia smiled shyly. "I used to stay in classroom at recess to help her stack the chairs or sweep the floors instead of going outside. I would make up excuses to stay after school with her. I took on every extra credit project I could. I just wanted to be near her. All the time."

"Did she know you had a crush on her?" Alex asked, a smile playing around the corners of her lips.

"She must have. I wasn't exactly subtle. But she never changed the way she acted around me or anything, which I guess in hindsight, I'm grateful for. Having her bring it up would have been mortifying. I'd never felt that way about anyone before and I didn't even know that it had a name, that I wasn't the only one in the world who felt like this. It was actually kind of cute – I mean, it would have been if it hadn't been so pathetic."

Alex chuckled. "I can just imagine."

"So what about your first crush, Counsellor? I bet you can't top my tale."

"There was only one," Alex said. "Emily. I was fifteen. She was in my science class. She had the most beautiful hair, longer than anyone's I had ever met. I didn't know hair could even grow that long. It went down to the back of her knees. I always wanted to touch it – I sat behind her and my fingers would literally be itching to reach out and run my fingers through it, just to see what it felt like. I had to fold my hands in my lap so I wouldn't.

"We became friends, through an unlikely set of circumstances. She wasn't gay, but neither was I, so we had a sort of relationship non-relationship. I would sit on her bed with her and brush her hair – it was so soft. We would talk, mostly – she was really wonderful to talk to. She was such a good listener. She was kind, too, like you are. She was so good with Adam, and Katherine, until…" Alex trailed off.

And suddenly the moment was lost. Alex curled into herself, physically retreating from Olivia, and avoided the detective's gaze.

Olivia waited a beat, then reached out her hand, hesitantly, giving Alex the option to take it or ignore it. "I'm sorry," she offered.

Alex shook her head, pulling her knees to her chest. "It was my fault," she whispered, her voice so soft and full of pain that Olivia thought her own heart might break.

"What was your fault, darling?" Olivia asked after a moment, when it became clear that Alex wasn't going to continue without prodding. In the back of her mind, she wondered if she really wanted to know.

"I – I don't know what happened to her. What he said – if she ended up – her parents didn't know, and that was bad enough – but the things he said – she could have gotten into so much trouble. And it was my fault, because I was too weak, and I couldn't stop it. I wasn't strong enough. I loved her, Liv. I mean, as much as a fifteen-year-old in love with the idea of love can love anyone, obviously – but I hurt her. I couldn't protect her."

"Alex," Olivia said slowly, even though she had no idea what Alex was talking about and wasn't entirely sure whether or not this was the right thing to say, "it's not your fault if you didn't protect her. You didn't mean to let her get hurt."

Alex shook her head. "I knew better. It wasn't safe; it wasn't right. I should have closed the door. I should have made sure Katherine was gone. I should have made sure – I was reckless. Careless. Not thinking clearly. And we both paid the price."

Olivia laid a hand on Alex's shoulder. Alex flinched away from the touch, but when Olivia didn't remove her hand, she finally glanced up at Olivia, and seeing only compassion in her eyes, she inched closer to the detective, leaning into her. Hardly daring to breathe at Alex's close proximity, Olivia began to rub tentative circles into her back. She inhaled the subtle scent of Alex's vanilla shampoo and couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips at the intimacy, both physical and emotional, that she was currently experiencing with Alex. She had never been so close to the blonde before yesterday, and Alex had never spoken so openly to her. Olivia found herself hoping for a million more moments just like this one.

But she knew that this wasn't about her. It was about Alex, the pain that Alex had experienced and the story she needed to tell. So Olivia listened.

"She knew, Liv," Alex finally whispered. "She knew everything. I never told her, but she saw. Once. She knew. And she still loved me. She still put herself in that position – and I betrayed her." She looked up, unshed tears glistening in her eyes, before completing her thought. "And Olivia, I could do the same to you."

Sorry again for my absence, but yay, more of Alex's backstory! Thanks to DeLene, mariskalover12, McJoJo, peterpeter, Liv-x-Case-Benson, Eljh55, Alex Beckett, Kikilia14, Bkwrmchar, ladybugsmomma, and all my anons for your reviews. I'm so glad you're all still reading and enjoying and haven't given up on this story!

BTW, I got early acceptance letters from three universities, so yay for me! Just waiting for two more.