I know the last chapter´s end wasn´t satisfying so here we are; the conversation between Jimmy and Thomas! :) Thanks in advance for reading and reviews, it´s very appreciated.
„Jimmy?" I open eyes. Even though I feel sleepy, I´m perfectly awake when I hear this voice. This only, most beautiful voice, its familiar tune, the way it pronounces my name. In that moment I can´t imagine something might sound so beautiful, something might make so happy, something might make my heart beat faster like this voice. Because it´s his voice. It´s Thomas´. It´s the voice of my beloved, of my first love. I find my chest and arms resting on Thomas´ bed while I´m still sitting on the chair. I straighten out and feel a bit uncomfortable, but I don´t care. Because he´s here.
„Morning, Thomas." I feel my lips curling into smile, genuine smile full of happiness. Even though Thomas looks bad, when I watch him, look into his eyes, I can´t believe there may be something we won´t be able to overcome. No, our love is strong and unique and it can´t die.
„Do I dream about you? I´m scared. In every dream they take you from me." I see the fear he´s talking about in his eyes. What´s that? Were these the hallucinations the nurse was talking about?
„No, I´m here. Really." I reassure him, because he seems to be worried.
„Good. And what are you doing here?" He asks and tries to sit up. I stand up and help him because I see how much he suffers. I can´t watch that. I embrace him and for a while I´m shocked how thin he is. Then I overcome it and help Thomas sit, adjust the pillow behind his back and I sit down on the edge of his bed, because I can´t really stand being separated from him.
„I came to see you." I say and take his hands into mine. Both of them. He pulls the scarred one from me, but I take it back and let them rest on my palms. He doesn´t object again even though I feel his gaze on me.
„I thought you wasn´t allowed to." The room is not completely dark right now, but the dawn is still far away from us. Fortunately the nurse is sleeping and we have some time together. I feel an urgent desire for Thomas. I know he´s weak, but I´m overwhelmed with his presence, drugged by his beauty which is hidden under the cover of illness.
„I´m not." I reply and take his left hand closer to my face. I let him touch my cheek with two fingers. I see he´s in doubts to do it. Why? I feel such a tenderness towards him I think I know what a woman feels when she holds her child in arms. I feel I would die for him in a heartbeat if it meant he´d live while he wouldn´t if I did. My heart is overfull with love, I will never be able to give it all to him. I´ve never felt such an emotion before and I don´t think I´ll ever feel it again. It´s the charm of the moment, the gray gloom of the room, where everything is flooded with the fear of the thunderstorm outside, the thick rain and finally Thomas´ face, pale in the moonlight but beautiful because of the love burning inside of him. It´s the occasion, the opportunity to show love, to see unseen and hear unheard.
„You ran off because of me?" he asks and looks so ashamed so sad I want to hug him and love him forever after.
„Yes. I couldn´t stand it without you. It´s not Downton when you´re not there, it´s just a house I work in but I don´t feel anything when you´re not here. I love my work, but it´s nothing when you´re not here to show me something I can do to look more suitable for the job of the first footman than Alfred. I don´t see any sense in polishing of the silver when you´re not here to show me how many stains I left there. I don´t care about Downton when you´re not there." I kiss his right hand, I´m kissing it again and again because I can´t give him up.
„That was quite a speech," Thomas coughs. In that little moment my world breakes into milion pieces. This moment can´t be repared, it´s already damaged, everything´s over, nothing can wake the moment up again. I see Thomas is trembling, the wave of cough is destroying my little belief he might be alright. When I see him like that, I want to cry, I want to lose my memory and wake up when it´s over. He takes a handkerchief and hides his mouth in it. I know what´s going on. I turn from him, I can´t pass out, not now, not here. Inhale, exhale, everything´s alright, it´s not that bad, I´m just overreacting, keep calm, keep calm.
Finally I don´t hear anything so I turn back. Thomas is visibly weak, but much better than I already imagined him, covered in blood and dying. I fight the image back, Thomas is here, Thomas is alright. I am alright
„Oh Thomas, forgive me. I just can´t stand your suffering, I can´t see you suffer. Forgive me, please." I fall into Thomas´ arms, head resting on his shoulder. I embrace him and push him as close to me as possible. I hold him and it´s maybe too hard, I might clutch him too tightly, but I´m not able to realise, to think wisely. I hear Thomas´ heart beating but right now, when it´s just the ribcage between it and my ear, it doesn´t sound so fine. It´s rushing but it´s not that effortless hurry I feel when my heart beats faster. It´s exhausting and painful as if the brain has to force it to beat. And I hear some hissing when Thomas breathes in, his chest is moving so little I´m very afraid he´s not breathing at all.
„I don´t blame you," he whispers. He coughs a bit to clear his throat but it just frightens me. „How could I ever blame you?" Thomas´ hands are caressing my back and in a while I feel his cheek on the top of my head, he´s holding me like a little child and I´m the weak one, the child, once again. I hate it, but I can´t force myself to pull away from him. Maybe I´m selfish but I can´t give him up. I feel I have to be the weaker one, the one who needs comforting, sweet kisses and cuddling, Thomas is the strong, dark experienced man who is here to lead me in my blindness. And nothing can change it.
„I love you, Thomas. I wasn´t able to stand to be without you, I couldn´t. It was so painful, I felt I wasn´t complete, I was just a body without soul because the soul is you. How could you stand it when I hated you?" I whimper into Thomas´ neck, letting him do anything with me. His fingers stop on my back for a while, but then they start to move again.
„It was hard, but it wasn´t for the first time I was rejected. But it was painful I don´t deny it." I suppose he´s lost in his memories, remembering all the men who hurt him. I feel bad to be one of them. How could I be so bad to Thomas?! I´m sure it was too soon for me, maybe I would fall for him naturally and even sooner without that incident. I´ve never thought about Thomas loving other men. I suppose in my childish mind he was always a pure virgin, waiting for me all his life. It´s just now when I realise he might have loved others before me, that he´s probably more experienced than I thought. It´s such a strange idea I fight it, but it can´t be overcome, now it´s unevitable to ask. I have to know who else hurt Thomas.
„Wasn´t it? Who else but me has harmed you, Thomas?" I ask and pull away from him, just a little bit since I can´t leave him completely, but I have to see his face.
„It doesn´t matter now, Jimmy. It´s over, he´s gone and now you are here and that´s what matters. I heard you and Daisy became very close friends. I´m happy for you, I was afraid you will never find any real friend." I´m not stupid. I see that Thomas changed the topic because it was too painful for him. I´m just so ignorant! I should think about what I say before I do it, it would be much better. But I didn´t know it was so painful when it obviously happened many years ago. Thomas said „he". Just one man, many years and it´s still painful. I don´t want to think about it because I would feel even worse. I feel so young, so untouched by world´s cruelty. The only person I fell in love with has loved me ever since he met me. It´s unfair.
„Daisy is a very nice girl. I like her and she made the first day bearable for me. But I couldn´t be separated from you for too long." I see the love in Thomas´ eyes it overwhelms me and doesn´t let me to finish the sentence. I wanted to add Daisy has agreed I had to run off to him, but I couldn´t. I feel my throat is filled with sobs and no matter how much I blink, I can´t overcome the tears. They start to fall from my eyes; slowly at first, but faster and faster into floods on my cheeks.
„What´s the matter with you? Did I hurt you? Jimmy!" Thomas wipes off my face, catching the salty tears before they reach my chin.
„No, of course you didn´t, why do you think so?" I ask, swallowing the cry.
„Because you cry," he shows me one tear flowing down his finger
„I… it´s not you. Or it is you, but not that way. It´s tears of relief I have you back. I´m so happy to see you again." I let him hug me again and I feel so safe in his arms I don´t understand why I was so scared about him. Of course he´s alright. He has to be alright. He wouldn´t leave me here.
„You´re so sweet and lovely I´m sometimes worried if I deserve you." Thomas whispers. His breath is short and heavy, but I try to overlook it.
„Don´t you ever dare to say this again." I frown at him. „You have to kiss me now so I could forgive you." I say defiantly.
„Must I?" Thomas looks like he´s really disgusted with the idea; he looks so convincing I´m afraid it´s true.
„Uhm…Well you don´t have to, I thought it as a joke…" my voice breakes because I realise how painful it would be for me if he meant it. I would probably get ill right now.
„So did I, Jimmy." He laughs. It´s such a beautiful sound I´m forcing everything in me to pray for this moment to stay the same as it is. I don´t want him to cough. Not now when he laughs. „You won´t get rid of me so easily."
„I certainly hope so." I murmur and want to add something else, but I can´t. Not that I mind.
Thomas´ lips find mine and in a while I feel I´m complete. Because what else I need for life but Thomas? I need water, air, nutrients, but they seem to be unimportant beside Thomas. What is water for but forming the tears I cry when he´s away from me? What is air but the thing that fulfills our lungs to be able to breathe and speak? What is calcium but the thing that his bones consist of? What are all these elements but the blood keeping his heart beating? Nothing. Thomas is everything, everywhere and still I have to be very close to him to feel I´m really living. I don´t suppose anybody has ever kissed somebody like I kissed Thomas. I remember all famous lovers, tragic or happy, existing or fictional but they all seem to be pretty unimportant and unloving compared to me and Thomas. Nobody could ever feel such a strong love, no kiss could be like this one, no two souls could feel as united as ours. Because nobody could love like I love Thomas. That´s unimaginable. The emotion is boiling in me, making all my limbs soft and unuseful, burning me from inside and nothing really exists when Thomas is here. Because I love him. And he loves me.
„Jimmy, you´re so intoxicating," Thomas whispers and leans his forehead against mine.
„Not as much as you are." I kiss him again. I feel this is not right, it´s dangerous and not only because of Thomas´ illness, I´m not afraid of catching it. I feel that with Thomas I can stand anything. But if even he stopped controlling himself, I´m not allowed to spoil this moment.
„I love you." he exhales into the little gap between our lips.
„I know. I love you too, Thomas." I want to give up to him, I want anything, everything but I probably got enough happiness today. Thomas shuts eyes in pain and pulls away from me, embraces his chest to keep himself together and starts to cough. Now I see it´s different than it was before. That was just a little childish tiny cough compared to this. This is the reason why everybody is so worried. This is the cough of a person with lungs infected with pneumonia. This is a terrible, frightening cough.
I run to wake the nurse up. I don´t care that it´s night, she has to help Thomas. She has to! And while I run and try to find the right door, guilt is ringing in my head like a bell. It´s my fault, my fault, my fault! I´m insane, I don´t act reasonably. I can´t, I´m not able to. I can just hope this is not going to last because I barely remember my name. The more I realise Thomas´ suffering. I hear his cough, I can´t get rid of it, it´s resonating in my head, my chest hurts as if it was me who coughs. I´m opening many doors, unable to find the nurse. Thomas, I have to save Thomas. He needs me. I hurt him.
„What the hell are you doing here?" the nurse cries in shock when I open the door of her room where she´s apparently just been dressing up.
„Thomas looks worse, I thought you might be intrested." I say sarcastically, unpatiently waiting for her to come. She walks to the biggest room in here and tells me she was in the nightgown and that it is inappropriate and some stuff like that. Pretexts, pretexts, pretexts! Who cares?! Even if she was naked, shouldn´t she care about Thomas more?!
„Then you shouldn´t have changed if you mind somebody to see you in the nightgown!" I yell at her. In the moment she reaches Thomas so I stop shouting, I can do that later. Now I let her do what she thinks is right, even though it seems to be very very little. However, Thomas stops coughing and patiently lies down, curled into a ball. She takes some injection and I turn away. The needles remind me too much of the things they were putting into me when brother died; it was supposed to calm me down, but I felt even worse. I realise this probably helps Thomas, I don´t know what it is but surely not that strong opium they were giving me. Yes, I was calmer, but very tired and puzzled as well. Fortunately mother found that out very soon so I didn´t become addicted like many children did. I´m sure this is a medicine, not a drug like that. And that´s the only thing which keeps me away from Thomas, from breaking the needle and throwing it all away.
„Now you´re not that strong and fearless, are you?" She says and I know she´s talking to me.
„I´ve never said I´m strong and fearless." I reply harshly. I turn back to see she´s covering Thomas up with a blanket. How dares she?! How can she touch him when she rather dressed up instead of hepling him?! I want to kill her, to throttle her with my bare hands. I´m so jealous!
But I see Thomas´ sleepy eyes are smiling at me, he shakes head and I believe it´s to show ne to be patient.
„No. You just act like that." She says. I go farther from Thomas because I don´t want to cause more damage. I leave the room and she follows me.
„It doesn´t matter how I act, you should have been helping Thomas instead of changing your stupid clothes." I shout when I make sure the door is closed and Thomas can rest, like the two other patients.
„And you should have been acting differently if you wanted to stay here. And if I were you, I wouldn´t act like this… It might be dangerous. If wrong people found out how much you care about that man… I´m sure it wouldn´t be very pleasant for you." She´s calm, her face is motionless. How can she be so calm?!
„I have to care if you don´t!" I cry.
„I suppose you care too much to be a friend. Who do you think they would believe? A nurse or a footman who came here and forced her to let him in?" Her face is arrogant. How can anybody let this… creature to be a nurse?! I want to ask her if she´s threatening me, but I know I would look stupid. Of course she is.
„The footman. Why would they believe you?" I say and try to look as calm as she does.
„Because why would I lie? Why would that poor nurse who was scared stiff think up a story of a…fallen man? It doesn´t make sense." I see how contemptuously she said the words fallen man. I wouldn´t mind if she was insulting me. But she insulted Thomas as well. I can´t let her do that. „You know, once somebody says you´re…that, you can never get rid of it. No matter if it is true or not. How would your lord Grantham act if he found out he had this kind of a servant? What about all the ladies? Or other staff?" I´ve never felt very loyal to the family, but now I´m furious. How dare she say this. She doesn´t know lord Grantham at all!
„I suppose lord Grantham would think up a position he might give me just to make me stay." I say, remembering what happened to Thomas.
„What?" I´m afraid I didn´t say what she wanted to hear.
„Nothing. But somebody should tell you not to talk about things you know nothing about, such as lord Grantham´s itensions." I wish I was as confident as my words. Because inside I´m frightened.
„Anyway, I think it would be better if you left." She says, trying to find her lost certainty.
„I don´t suppose so," I say. I don´t usually mind I´m short, but now I would be glad if I was tall. Because she´s taller than me. It scares me.
„Unfortunately nobody cares about your thoughts." She says sharply. „Get out."
„As you wish. You´re probably bored when you want another patient here." I call over my shoulder and open the door. The rain hasn´t stopped yet, it´s just a bit lighter. I don´t care even if I´m freezing even now. I regret letting my warm coat in the hospital because it was surely more waterproof than this awful shirt that stupid nurse gave me. Never mind, I can´t return. I´m protesting and in that case it´s better when I am soaked with wet. However, I wish I could sit somewhere in warmth; somewhere near the fireplace, with Thomas or Daisy by my side. I wish I could return somewhere, but I can´t. I left Downton for Thomas and now I can´t even be with him.
I curl into a ball sitting on the highest stair, forehead resting on my knees and try not to cry. Because as much miserable I feel now I felt happy when I kissed Thomas. And the contrary between it is torturing.