*Trigger warning for sexual assault, rape, dub con and captain swan(but not remotely graphic for the cs)*
SO, i've been fretting over this chapter. Things are coming to a head, and it's going to be painful for all involved. Apologies. (NOT! SUFFER! MUAH HA HA HA)
Shout-out to the ever delightful Paige ( pokerwithellen over on twitter) for brainstorming pain and angst with me 3
And to my lovely beta, unrequitedkegs, who tuts at my inability to write in one tense consistantly and weird phrasing :p
"Why are you so ok?"
Emma's curled into Regina's side once more, her head resting on a strong shoulder and her arm flung across her midriff. This is her favourite way to lie with the other woman. Regina's arm curves down, across the small of her back, fingers dancing sporadically at the curve of her waist. It's their thing. She contemplates the question she's just asked, wonders, truly, if Neverland has effected Regina even remotely on the same level as her. But then, Regina has always seemingly had her shit together way better than Emma ever has.
She'd come by tonight, turning up on the doorstep with downcast eyes and nervous feet. Regina had pursed her lips and crossed her arms, blocking her entrance until Emma had just edged her way around her tense body, not making eye contact. She'd taken her boots off by the door before carrying them up the stairs, mindful of Henry. Careful and cautious and almost as though being quiet would somehow lessen the impact of the figure at the door – disapproval and irritation radiating off her in waves.
"Who says I am?"
Emma pushes herself up, hovering over Regina. She searches dark eyes, the lines around them – the tired slope of eyelids. She settles back down, lower, head resting on Regina's belly. She can hear the clicking of her intestines faintly in the quiet.
"I'm being selfish." Her fingers play a ditty against dark silk.
"Yes you are." Regina's fingers curl into Emma's hair anyway and she scratches idly. "You need to see Archie."
Emma is silent, her fingers stilling for a moment before continuing. She starts to draw small swirls against the delicate material. "You can't make me."
Regina hums in agreement, fingers never ceasing.
"No, it has to be for you, Emma."
"And if I never go?" Emma mentally braces herself for the answer. She doesn't want to go. She doesn't want to talk about this at all. Still. She knows she's being a shit person by leaning so heavily on those around her, taking it out on whoever is there when she needs to but she just can't bring herself to give a damn. She is getting better, she reasoned. Just sometimes… sometimes something pissed her off.
Regina still hasn't answered.
"I don't know how to deal with you here. In the daylight. Not in the dark"
"Is that why you avoid me? Or is it because you just think I'll tell you to go see Archie?"
Emma snorts, gently. "I want to kiss you again."
"I don't think that is a good idea, Emma."
"Why not?"
"Because…"
Regina clamps up and stiffens.
"I see." Emma pushes herself up onto her knees. "I see," She replies slowly, feeling suddenly numb. Suddenly she's angry, "I see how it is," she spits, jumping off the bed and pulling on her jeans with quick, sharp tugs.
"Emma," Regina sits up, her face in agony but Emma dismisses it.
"I see how it is, we can kiss in the heat of the moment in Neverland where I'm fighting and risking my life for you but back here? I'm not enough am i? What is it?" She spies her boots and start yanking them on angrily, "Am I not tough enough or something? Am I not doing well enough even though I've been through fucking shit?" Her voice is raising now, her throat tight and she can feel tears burning in her eyes. "Well, just…. Fuck you."
"Emma!" Regina scrabbles off the bed, she tries to grab Emma but she's too slow and Emma shoves her back onto the bed. Tears are falling and Emma doesn't care. She doesn't even notice.
"I'm never good enough."
"Emma, don't be ridiculous." Regina reaches for her again but Emma is not interested. She's stuck now, feelings of complete inadequacy roar through her mind. She's never enough. Wasn't enough for her parents who threw her into a fucking tree and shipped her off. Abandoned her. Never enough for the town. She's always seconded guessed. Always questioned with narrowed eyes.
Emma's done.
She buttons up her pants, rams her feet into her boots, and stands up.
"Emma please wait,"
Emma can't hear Regina, she's done. She's so done right now. She spies her jacket on floor and smoothly grabs it and pulls it on before she's stilled by strong arms being thrown around her. Regina presses against her, warm and solid. Her breath tickles at the back of Emma's neck and it sends shivers down her spine but no, Emma can't think like that.
Regina has made her case. Emma isn't good enough. She's not good enough.
"Emma, please – please calm down." Regina's voice is breaking, her body quivering against Emma's back.
Emma grabs Regina's arms carefully, coldly, and pries them open, stepping out smoothly. She walks from the room without looking back.
Regina's crying, Emma can feel it in the soft impact of a tear drop, in the quiver of her voice.
"Emma, please."
She's got her face close to Emma's, her hands are on her cheeks. She's crying kind of pitifully and sniffing between shuddering breaths.
"Hey now, what's up?"
Regina lets out a choked sob of relief and her head drops onto Emma's chest. Her thumb caresses Emma's earlobe and the other one moves down to her waist, digging in slightly.
It's been another dirty, violent fight with Emma being overwhelmed by viciousness and pain.
Another blurry, broken journey back to what she's disturbingly thinking of as "their" cell, back to the comfort of Regina.
She can't really remember what's gone before, what state she might have been in… it's all blurring into one grotesque montage of blood and pain now.
She moves her arm, even though pain radiates up her bones, threads her fingers into matted hair.
"Hey, it's ok, I'm here," she scratches her fingers against Regina's scalp, feeling her nod vaguely.
Regina rubs her forehead against Emma's chest, causing that ball of affection she's been holding in her chest to bloom into something more.
Her lips are dry and split and her nose fucking hurts but she can't help but act. She groans as she shifts her muscles to urge Regina's face up up, finds her lips in the pitch black with her own. She swallows her own discomfort at her abused skin and Regina's sudden gasp and it's awkward, teeth clacking.
Til she tilts her head and -
Oh
It's good.
It's very good and they both instinctively try to pull one another closer.
But she's on fire for good and bad reasons now and can't help the flinch of pain – the sharp gasp and groan - as she tries to shift. Regina pulls away slightly and rests her forehead on Emma's. It's a moment of levity amongst the horror as they both laugh a little before reality claims them again.
Regina pulls back a little and tentatively lies down, tucking her arm under Emma's head. Emma smiles in the dark, her lips stretching and cracking but she doesn't care. She lets Regina pull her head gently towards her, the brunettes arm curling up and around, her hand resting on Emma's forehead. Regina shuffles herself in, sliding an arm across Emma's midriff. They gently settle against each other as the temperature begins to drop. It's gonna be colder than usual Emma thinks, but right now? She doesn't care.
She stays awake as long as she can, listening to Regina's breathing evening out. It's something precious, something Emma has come to awareness and latched on to. Something that reminds her why she's doing what she's doing. Her body is on fire every time she moves but she slowly inches her hand up, fingers crawling, until she slips her palm over Regina's arm. The older woman sighs in her sleep, a small gust of warm air brushing against Emma's neck and she smiles and smiles and sleeps.
"Regina," David breathes, relief obvious and thick through the tinny speaker.
"David." She acknowledges, crossing her arms, her legs. She's been prepared for him calling all evening. She knows more or less what the situation is going to be.
"She's a mess and she won't stop asking for you."
Regina takes a moment to collect her thoughts. Of course she is. She could have predicted this. Could have predicted Emma's poor actions, her poor choices after her flight from Regina's bedroom.
"She's a mess." He repeats.
"Of course she is. I'll see you shortly" She hangs up because of course David is going to bring her over. Of course he will.
David arrives and practically carries Emma out of his pickup. She's stumbling along, an unsettling grin on her face as she fiddles with her fingers abstractedly in front of her face.
"Regina!" she sing songs gently as David guides her up the path and to the door.
"She's a mess." He repeats once again, and Regina has to take deep breath to stop from snapping at him.
Regina slides her arm around Emma, who instantly drops her head and her weight onto Regina.
"Do you want-"
"I will be fine," she does snap this time at David, before softening her tone and thanking him. "I'm sorry…" She's not sure why she is apologising. It's not like she's apologising for Emma's poor behaviour here. She's infuriated and worried for the younger woman. She's not apologising for her own though. This is not on Regina. This is on Emma and her poor ability to make good choices.
Emma's head lolls against Regina's neck and she pulls her up tighter in her arms – she reeks. Alcohol, smoke. Leather.
Leather.
And not Emma's unique scent of leather.
The thought sours Regina's mind and she can't help the frown from forming on her face
"Well, I guess," David is awkward and backing towards the car whilst also making hand gestures towards the house.
"It's fine, I've got her." And Regina did. She's had Emma though hell and pain and she's still in one piece. In body at least. Regina wonders at Emma's mind. Wonders at what wasteland and shattered confabs are being constructed in there to cope.
The blonde pushes herself against Regina, sliding an uncoordinated hand around her waist.
"Hey," She purrs, nose pressing against the flesh of Regina's neck.
Regina shivers, unbidden. She guides the blonde up the steps and into the house, praying fervently that Henry doesn't wake up, doesn't come to investigate. Up the stairs she struggles, into her bathroom - sweating with the effort. Emma slumps against the counter, knocking a bottle off and Regina sighs, exasperated. Emma is uncoordinated, lazy and slow with the alcohol and she stretches like a cat, flesh baring between her jeans and her top. Regina tries not to stare, tries not to let Emma see her eyes being drawn to that tantalising strip of skin.
She fails.
Emma crosses across the scant space between them, allowing only a bare inch to remain, Regina swallows and can feel her heart begin to race. The stink of alcohol is practically making her choke slightly though and she brings her hands up to try push Emma off as the blonde leans in with a sickening leer and brushes her ear with her lips.
"He's got nothing on you, Regina."
Regina's heart sinks to her feet and she closes her eyes briefly.
How dare she.
Fury blooms in her chest like ink falling into water.
Regina shoves Emma away, close to not caring that the blonde slips and almost falls. She grabs her arm to pull her upright, and manoeuvres Emma firmly into the shower cubicle. She turns it on full power - the water soaking them both and Emma sinks to the floor unsteadily. Her hands push out against the tiles and the glass sides as she tries to keep herself upright.
Regina's angry. She's fucking furious and a hundred other adjectives that mean her blood is boiling.
How dare she. How fucking dare she.
It's Emma though.
It's Emma Regina can't keep up this level of rage as she looks at blonde hair plastered to a pale face. Can't stay mad as Emma tries pathetically to move the wet strands out the way, as she curls in on herself. Regina grabs the bottles of shampoo and sinks to her knees.
She starts to take care of Emma, washes her hair. Because that's what Regina does, that's what she's been doing for a while now. She massages the shampoo into Emma's tresses and tries to ignore the spiteful voice telling her to just let her get the suds in her eyes. In everything, Regina can't help but try to help Emma. She seethes, gently, disgust bubbling away in her belly. At herself. At Emma.
The pirate.
How dare she.
Emma pushes to her feet and struggles to take her jacket off, her top gets tangled in her arms and Regina takes pity and moves to help pull it gently off. Emma's eyes are downcast, not meeting Regina's. Shame is colouring her cheeks and she moves slowly, tentatively as she pushes her jeans and panties over her hips to the ground in a sodden wet heap. Regina eyes her critically as the blonde turns her back, grabbing soap. Her shoulders are sloped with defeat, exhaustion just soaking every move. Emma lathers up, and rubs her hands over her chest, head tilted down. She moves her hands quickly down, down, and she's moving her head to the side, nervously peering back over her shoulder.
Regina can't help the sparking of anger, the words that fly from her mouth before she can reel them back.
"How could you?" She snaps.
"No no no!" Emma flies around, her face pure anguish and she's pushing Regina against the steamed glass in an instant, her hands coming up to cup Regina's face. "I'm sorry," Emma might be crying, she's not sure. The steam and the water are making it difficult to see but she feels Emma's lips on hers, kissing her hard. She tastes of rum and cigarettes and regret.
Things Regina hates.
"No!" She tries to push Emma back but the blonde is on her insistently, and she's stronger than Regina and hyped up with alcohol. Emma's hands are sliding down from her cheeks to her chest and she palms Regina's breasts through wet material. Regina can't help but moan. It's overload. The water pounding down on them, Emma and weeks of pent up tension and fear and frustration. Regina kisses her back and clutches Emma to her, her fingers digging into the taut muscle of her back.
"I'm sorry," Emma whispers again and again, and she's fumbling with Regina's dress, pulling it up sloppily. She's scoring rents in her stockings as she goes, her nails catching. Regina can feel them tear and it sends a spike of arousal to her core. "Please, Regina," the blonde is breathing against her lips as she slips her hand between Regina's legs.
Regina's head falls back, the sharp pain of hitting the glass bringing her back to reality. Emma moves her lips to Regina's neck, hot warmth and a hint of teeth grazing her flesh and causing shivers to cascade down her spine. She wants this. It's been so long. But damn it's so wrong.
"No," she's breathless, "Emma, stop," Her hands fall to slip against slick shoulders and she's pushing at the weight of the blonde. Emma can't hear her.
"I'm sorry," she saying fervently as she sucks on Regina's neck and damn – Regina is falling, she's moaning as Emma strokes under her panties and teases her clit. She's inside her before Regina can really process what is going on, putting weight behind her strokes. Regina slides up the glass slightly as Emma pushes into her, sets her body behind each stroke. Regina's nails dig into the blonde's muscles.
Regina closes her eyes, toes curling, "fuck" she chokes out, laying her head on Emma's shoulder.
Shame and lust mix and it's a stomach curdling mix. She's almost crying with relief, she's crying with pain and sadness.
This isn't how it should be.
"No, Emma," she repeats, pushing at Emma's shoulders again. "Please stop," a tear slips its way down her cheek.
The blonde ignores her, continuing to kiss her neck, forcing her fingers inside, whispering "I'm sorry" almost like a mantra. She's lost in the pleasure of it, in the rhythm.
Regina struggles against Emma for a moment, her hands dropping to the blonde's wrist and yanking. Emma hands are back at her cheeks and instant later, tongue forcing its way into her mouth as she is kissed desperately. "No!" She grabs Emma's wrists and tries to tug them away. This is too close, too similar to him and she's sworn never to let someone do this to her again.
She summons strength fed on fear and anger and shoves her hands between Emma's wrists, pushing up and out then smacks the blonde square in the chest.
Emma falls back with a surprised cry, falls onto the floor of the shower. She is definitely crying now, shoulders shuddering and hands holding her head. Regina is shaking and pressing the back of her hand to her mouth as she fights back her own tears. The shower continues to beat down, unrelenting on both of them as they look at each other, breaths unsteady and harsh. They look at each other, crying, the pain and sorrow and regret rending everything apart and leaving it more of a mess.