Kudos to everyone who's spotted any references in past chapters! There's been a lot of them :) I make a lot of Doctor Who references, if you hadn't noticed...I'm really trying to add some fandom diversity...in my defense, I made a Death Note reference a couple of chapters ago.

Thanks to Lieutenant Luna for pointing out a plot error last chapter!

"It's a nightmare," Hermione groaned as she slammed her book bag on the table at breakfast the next morning.

Harry could think of a number of nightmares that Hermione may have been referring to. The attack on Neville had left the school nervous as ever – the Gryffindors were especially terrified, and the fact that their attacker could get into Gryffindor tower...that definitely had some nightmarish qualities.

"What?" Harry asked, half because she was waiting for someone to ask and half because he was genuinely curious.

"Everything!" She sat down with a huff and began spooning herself vegetables. "Everything in the library on Petrification has been checked out, and Madam Pince had no record of who checked it out -it's like someone is trying to mess me up on purpose. Poor Neville's lying comatose in the Hospital Wing, and I still have no clue why he was targeted, though I have a few ideas. Not to mention Myrtle is on a mission to blow up every toilet in the school -"

"'Orry, paushe," Ron stopped her, holding up a hand and swallowing the food that he'd been chewing. Sorry, pause. "What was that about Myrtle? She's doing what, now?"

"Some idiot blew up Myrtle's toilet," Hermione fumed, taking a violent bite out of her carrot while Fred and George snickered further up the table. "And now she's a bloody poltergeist and she's recruited Peeves and by this rate all of our bathrooms will be gone and we're going to have to pee in the magical sewer holes in the dungeon -"

"Oh, budge up, Hermione," Ron scoffed as Hermione glared at him. "I'm sure it's not that bad."

It was very, very bad.

Remus officially despised being caretaker. He was paid well, and he got to be back at Hogwarts, but thus far those were the only two plusses in sight. He now felt extremely vague pity for Filch. Extremely vague -mostly just awe at how the HELL Filch had managed to clean the entire castle without magic. It was hard enough with magic, thank you very much.

And now, added to the messes of the students and the sheer enormity of Hogwarts...someone had set Moaning Myrtle loose on the school.

An angry Moaning Myrtle, Remus was quickly learning, was not something to be trifled with. He'd caught a glimpse of her once, cackling madly as she disappeared around a corner (while the sound of an explosion echoed from the direction that she had come). So far, she had blown up thirty-two toilets (or at least, Remus had fixed thirty-two toilets) in only twenty hours. Peeves had taken the liberty of aiding Myrtle on her valiant quest by impeding Remus in whatever way he could.

"Are you two friends?" Remus squeaked as Peeves swooped around his head, sniggering at Remus's attempts to shield himself from dungbombs that bombarded him. "What has happened to this poor school? Waddiwasi!"

The dungbomb that nearly landed on his head reversed and zoomed back into Peeves's face. The poltergeist did a back somersault, coughing dramatically as the noxious gas filled the hallway. Remus's heightened senses were drowning in the fumes, and he gagged, clutching the wall for support.

"Peeves -" Remus coughed. "-Where do you get all of these bloody DUNGBOMBS?"

"It's rude to swear!" Peeves admonished once he'd recovered. He waggled a finger in Remus's face (who was trying to muster the breath for another spell). "Rude Lupin, bullying Lupin, swearing at poor Peeves!"

"Peeves -"

"Loony Loopy Lupin, Loony Loopy -hey, look who's come to party!"

"Oh, it's that caretaker!" A new voice said in delight -a high-pitched, hard-to-mistake voice that sent Remus's stomach plummeting. "The nasty one who's been foiling my noble work!"

Myrtle materialized through the dungbomb smog -she and Peeves (save for Peeves's theatrics) seemed, for the most part, unaffected by the bombs. Myrtle's eyes were dancing with a psychotic glee; Peeves held the same mischievous smirk that he always seemed to have. Both were grinning at him to the effect of the Cheshire Cat -it was creepy as hell.

They can't hurt you, Remus reminded himself. Nothing lasting, at least. It's impossible.

He pushed himself up, backing away subtly and holding his shirt over his mouth and nose. The air was completely opaque, now -he couldn't see his own feet, let alone the poltergeist duo (though, he conceded, the poltergeists couldn't see him, either, which was a plus). And the smell...he was feeling a little bit woozy...

"Who did this to you, Myrtle?" Remus called to her, regretting having said anything as he inhaled a load of dungbomb smoke. "Was it one of the students?"

"Yes," Myrtle sulked. "It was that handsome one -I forget his name already, but he's evil."

"What did he do?" (As long as Myrtle was still talking, Remus figured, the poltergeists couldn't drop bombs on him.) "Why'd he blow it up?"

Myrtle's reply was shrill. "I don't know! He had no reason! He's a bully, just like you!"

The smoke was really beginning to bother him. His head was fuzzy.

"'Sorry," Remus told her profusely. "But...did you have to blow up the...the doilet...next to my office?"

Myrtle was silent.

"Why my doilet, Myrtle?" Remus was vaguely aware that he was slurring. "What'd my doilet ever do to you?"

"I'm making a POINT, Moony!" Myrtle screeched. "If I can't have my toilet, then no one can have their toilet!"

Remus's head was throbbing. He opted for the moment to say silent, mostly because every word hurt and he couldn't really think fast enough to form coherent sentences. He edged away, finding a wall and following it steadily until -

"Remus Lupin?"

Remus spun to find that he'd reached the edge of the fart cloud and stood before four slightly-green students.

"Ah, hello, Miss'er Emrys," Remus grinned, blinking rapidly. "Hey, have you noticed...weather's not looking nice today...really f -fog -" he struggled to get the word out. "Foggy! One hundred 'cent chance of po'ergeists! Haha!"

Why was the world tipping?

"...Come on, Remus," someone said. "Let's get you away..."

"I used to like dungbombs," Remus told them earnestly. "Back in the seventies, I -"

"I didn't know it was possible to get high off of dungbomb fumes," Fred observed thoughfully as Lupin blabbered. "Could come in handy."

"Hebban," Merlin muttered, eyes flashing gold, and Lupin's body lifted into the air. The other three watched curiously.

"Aren't you worried that he'll remember that?" Lee glanced at their caretaker, who was attempting to touch his toes while floating. Merlin snorted.

"Please. He's not going to remember a thing."

Lee figured that any average Hogwartsian would be gagging from the horrible stench coming from Remus Lupin, but honestly, his nostrils had numbed to the smell after the hundredth dungbomb prank. None of the others were gagging (save for Merlin, who hadn't really gotten used to the bombs yet).

"Sometimes, I wish I had a muggle video camera," George sighed, watching Lupin. "I could get a hundred smashes on the Line with this kind of stuff."

Fred nodded in agreement while Lee hid a snort behind a cough.

"Erm, hello," spoke a light voice from behind them. "What are you doing?"

"Who are you?" Fred asked rudely, turning. It was a tiny blonde girl, lithe and willowy, with a faraway expression and a small smile. Merlin had never seen her before.

The girl shrugged. "I'm Remus's friend," she told them earnestly, sticking out a hand which they hesitantly shook. Her gaze darted to the half-lucid caretaker. "What did you do to him?"

George looked extremely offended. "What makes you think that we did anything to him?" He huffed indignantly. "We are innocent, thank you."

Remus's friend nodded cheerfully. "Oh, yes," she agreed, almost amusedly. "You four are probably the most innocent Gryffindors in the school."

"I think she's being sarcastic, but I can't tell," Lee whispered loudly to Merlin, who snorted.

"Luna?" Lupin yawned, blinking rapidly as the girl's face -Luna's face -came into focus. His dungbomb high seemed to have progressed from tipsy babbling to an overwhelming desire to sleep.

"Hello, Remus," Luna smiled at him, and the caretaker grinned back as he swayed slightly. "How are you?"

"I'm FANTASTIC!" Lupin gestured widely. "I've never been better! Though...my head's a little off..."

Luna nodded seriously. "I think I know why -you haven't taken your potion, have you?"

Lupin frowned in confusion, and an odd expression of -panic? -crossed his features.

"My potion..." Lupin muttered to himself. "I don't..."

"The one that I made you, remember?" Luna was wide-eyed. "To help keep away the nargles."

Lupin's expression cleared. "That one. I knew it." He turned to the Mavericks, and his face took on a very bleak expression. "I have nargles," he confided grimly. "Lots of them." He motioned towards his head with his index finger, leaning forward secretively. "In here."

"I think we should get him back to his office," Merlin spoke carefully, watching Lupin with a skeptical eyebrow. "Before he falls over."

Too late -Lupin had already passed out. His head hit the floor with an ear-aching clunk and the five students winced sympathetically.

Lupin began to snore.

"All right," Fred sighed, moving forward to take one of Lupin's arms (None of the other three knew mobilicorpus, and Merlin was hesitant to use his magic in front of Luna). "Help me lift him back to his office."

The topic of discussion in History of Magic that Thursday made Merlin extremely uncomfortable.

"Merlin," Binns told the class in a slightly-less bored voice than usual, "was a great wizard."

"Warlock," Lee corrected under his breath as Merlin shifted uncomfortably in the chair beside him. Binns didn't hear.

"He was born to an incubus she-demon," Binns continued. "A magical creature from which Merlin got his superior magical ability. He was the advisor to King Arthur -"

(Lee now understood what Merlin had meant earlier when he had said that 'legends mutate.')

"This is painful," Fred whispered to the other three, and Merlin nodded.

"-Many people have heard this," the ghost declared. "The life of Merlin is common knowledge -at least, his life in Camelot."

"I thought he lived in Camelot his entire life," a Ravenclaw argued, and Binns blinked as if realizing that the class was actually paying attention. Merlin was a very interesting topic, Lee supposed.

"Well, he would have lived his life in Camelot if he had had the lifespan of a normal wizard..."

"So he's immortal?" Angelina gasped, and Binns shook his head.

"No. His last recorded appearance was during the time of the Founders. That was when Merlin died. Now..."

The class subsided into another bored silence.

"...During his time at Camelot, he was mentored by a dragon named Gaius, and Merlin in turn taught Arthur Pendragon. Merlin had a sister, too, named Morgan Le Fay, who one day poisoned Gaius. In a rage, Merlin went after Morgan Le Fay, and the two faced down in an epic battle while King Arthur fought off Morgan Le Fay's immortal army with his pet unicorn, Gwaine -"

"Professor Binns, sir," Merlin ventured, raising a tentative hand. "Uh, excuse me, hi...where exactly are you getting your information from?" Merlin scratched his ear. "I mean, I'm sure it's a very reliable source, but I've heard these legends a bit differently..."

"It is history," the teacher told him shortly. "It is fact."

"Yes, but, um -"

Binns stared owlishly at Merlin. "What is your name?" He asked.

"Myrddin."

"Funny, that was one of Merlin's pseudonyms," Binns chucked a little to himself. "Myrddin Emrys, he called himself."

Gasps rippled through the room. As one body, the entire class turned to stare at Merlin, who shrunk into his seat.

"You're named after Merlin?" Alicia demanded. "Were your parents obsessed or something?"

Merlin just shrugged. "They were Merlin fanatics," he nodded, falling into the lie. "They got really excited over all that Camelot stuff."

Some students laughed a little, and Merlin flushed, grinning sheepishly. The tension had eased, but Fred and George and Lee were glancing at each other nervously.

"Anyways," Binns continued, falling again into a low drone. "Once Merlin married, he had a werewolf child named Freya..."

"That was torture," Fred groaned as the four left the History of Magic classroom. "I mean, come on. Binns got it all wrong. You're not dead, you're not married, and you've never been ginger. You're just sort of..." He glanced at Merlin's hair. "Brown-black."

"I've always wanted to be ginger," Merlin remarked wistfully.

"Yeah, well, dye your hair and you can become an honorary Weasley," the twins grinned at him. "Ginger with a long white be-"

"HELP!" A small boy screamed, racing down the hallway and skidding to a halt in front of the four fourth-years. They blinked at him.

"Hang on -I know you!" Merlin exclaimed. "You're camera boy!"

"Creevey, right?" Fred asked, and the kid nodded tearfully. "What's wrong?"

"I can't stop it!" Creevey wailed. "I've been running for ages trying to find -"

"Uh, what?" George glanced nervously down the hallway from where Colin had come. "Is something chasing you?"

Colin shook his head furiously. "No, it's just...I can't find a bathroom! They've all been blown up!"

"Oh." Fred frowned. "We thought it was something interesting."

"Why don't you go and pee in the Forbidden Forest?" Lee suggested kindly. "I mean, if you're really that desperate -"

The boy's eyes grew wide. "But Dumbledore said that -"

"Yeah, well, Dumbledore doesn't know anything," George snorted. "The Forest is fine. There are leaves to wipe with and everything."

"And I'm sure the centaurs have bathrooms somewhere," Fred added. "You can ask them."

"Now, shoo," Merlin waved a hand and Creevey thanked them quickly, turning tail and sprinting down the hallway in the general direction of the Forbidden Forest. "Is the Forest really safe?" Merlin continued skeptically once the boy had gone. "I mean, I'd heard that there are giant spiders, but I've never actually seen it for myself..."

"Well, not safe, exactly," Fred frowned. "But the Forest is a heck of a lot safer than it would be if any of the Slytherins got wind that Colin Creevey peed his pants."

"It's becoming a problem, actually," Merlin frowned. "Myrtle'd better stop blowing up all these toilets. Sooner or later I'm going to have to use a bathroom."

Three second year Gryffindors huddled together in said ghost's bathroom.

"Someone was having a really bad day," Ron gaped at the humongous crater in the side of the sinks. "I mean, pi-times-thirty-feet kind of anger problems."

It really was impressive, Harry supposed. He crept forward to the edge of the crater, to where a pipe had been exposed.

"I think they were trying to get to this," Harry muttered, motioning to the pipe. "What do you suppose it is?"

"The entrance to the Chamber of Secrets," Hermione replied matter-of-factly. The two boys turned to gape at her.

"How do you know that?" Ron spoke in awe. Hermione snorted.

"Because there's a sign, Ronald," she pointed. On the inside of the pipe, exposed by the crater and the light, were white painted words.

THIS IS THE ENTRANCE TO THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.

"Oh." Ron frowned. "That makes a lot of sense, actually."

"Are we going in?" Harry raised a skeptical eyebrow. Hermione shook her head.

"We should tell a teacher," she decided, and continued as the other two immediately started to protest. "We don't have to tell Snape or anything. Just someone who can actually do something about it. Like Dumbledore."

"Fine," Ron huffed. "But we have to make Dumbledore promise that he'll let us come with him, all right?"

Hermione just rolled her eyes. "Anyways," she began, pulling out her wand, "we have got to do something about Myrddin Emrys."

"Oh, so you're finally realizing that he's evil?"

Hermione shook her head hastily. "No, no -I just think that he's hiding something important. I think..." she hesitated. "I think that we shouldn't use the Polyjuice Potion on Crabbe and Goyle."

"What? But Hermione -"

"Malfoy doesn't know anything," she spoke with utmost certainty. "I've been doing a lot of research lately, in the library -" Eye rolls. "-You know, just checking out lineage texts and such -and Malfoy isn't related to Slytherin. Slytherin only had one kid, and the kid killed himself before he could continue the Slytherin line. So it's impossible for Malfoy to be the Heir."

Her friends considered this. "Okay," Harry began slowly. "I see your point. But if we don't use the Polyjuice on Crabbe and Goyle, then who -"

And then they realized.

"Bloody hell, Hermione," Ron gasped. "You're insane."

"Hang on, you can't mean -"

Hermione nodded, a wicked grin spreading across her face. "Yep. Ron, how do you feel about drugging your brothers?"

As the two digested this, Hermione waved her wand and a cauldron shimmered into view. "Lucky I hid our cauldron," she said matter-of-factly. "And that it wasn't affected by the blast. And lucky there was fluxweed in Snape's stores -otherwise the potion could've taken a whole month."

Harry swallowed his shock. "When...when will it be ready, then?"

Hermione shrugged. "A few days, tops -and then we'll know everything."

It's official -Harry and Ron are going to masquerade as the Weasley twins to get information from Merlin. Fun, fun.

whenithitsthefan