Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Joey is walking through the kitchen. Enter Ross and Rachel from their bedroom, both in bathrobes.

Rachel: Joey! There's a sign on the door!

Ross: Because apparently neither a sock nor a tie on the doorknob is universal.

Joey: I'm sorry, I'm out of spicy mustard! Why don't you guys just lock the door?

Ross: Safety. What if there were a fire or some kind of natural disaster? We would have no idea.

Rachel: Oh, sweetie, you're not that good.

Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting in the chair at the end table. Ross is sitting in the arm chair. Joey is sitting on the couch.

Phoebe: Do you think the world will end in 2012?

Ross: No, I don't believe in stupid Mayan superstitions. Although if it does end, they better hurry up on an Avatar sequel.

Enter Monica and Chandler.

Monica: Hey, everybody!

Monica looks around to see that only Phoebe and Ross are there.

Monica: Or… not everybody.

Monica and Chandler sit on the couch.

Monica: We're throwing a murder mystery themed Valentine's Day party at our house tonight!

Phoebe: Ooh, I love that idea! It's like "who killed romance?"

Ross: Well, there's one way to look at it.

Chandler: I still say we could have just as much fun hanging out and watching CSI.

Monica: No, we're throwing a party. It'll be cool. I was thinking, I throw a lot of parties, why haven't I ever thrown a murder-y party?

Chandler: Because it's morbid and gory and the sight of blood makes me want to vomit.

Monica: Oh, relax. You're not even on the corpse committee.

Ross: We have a corpse committee now?

Monica: Thanks for volunteering, Ross. Your first task is finding a fake dead body in New York City.

Chandler: Wouldn't it be easier to just kill somebody?

Monica: Stop saying that about everything! Do you want to get kicked out of another Subway?

Chandler: I don't really get why we need to have a murder mystery themed party. It just seems dumb.

Monica: Well, I've tried everything else! Halloween party, baby party, classy bachelorette party, dirty bachelorette party, New Year's party. It was time for a party about death.

Chandler: Wouldn't that be a funeral party?

Joey: Hey, you want a change? How about a dirty bachelor party?

Monica: Shut up and help me plan a murder.

Ross: Hey, I haven't heard that since eighth grade when you were mad that your locker got broken into and your Snickers bars got stolen.

Monica: Yeah, that bitch, Missy Andersen. Ooh, I still haven't thought of a name for our victim! Maybe I could use her name!

Chandler: That sounds healthy.

Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Erin is sitting at the table, reading a bridal magazine. She smiles, cuts out a picture of a wedding dress, and holds it up against a makeshift paper doll.

Erin: Oh, Erin, you're going to look lovely at your wedding.

Enter Joey. Erin quickly shoves the doll and dress back into the magazine and hastily pushes the magazine across the table.

Erin: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Hey. That a wedding magazine?

Erin: No.

Joey: I told you that you don't have to be self-conscious about how excited you are to marry this.

Joey gestures to himself. Erin glares at him.

Joey: To marry me.

Erin continues to glare at him.

Joey: To get married.

Erin: There you go.

Joey: Seriously, plan away. For the first time in my life, I'm not freaking out about committing or getting married at all. You can plan as much as you like.

Erin: Okay. Do you think the bouquets should have a dozen white roses or fifteen?

Joey: It's time to step back a little.

Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is kneeling on the carpet, taping out the outline of a splayed body in white tape. Chandler is standing next to her, staring at what she's doing.

Chandler: We really need this authenticity?

Monica: It's a crime scene!

Chandler: In our living room?

Monica: Yes, that's where she was killed.

Chandler: Who dies in the living room?

Monica: Ha… Mr. Boddy, from Clue. It was Miss Scarlet, in the living room, with the top hat!

Chandler stares at her oddly.

Monica: I just… got the two board games confused, didn't I?

Chandler: Yeah, you did.

Monica: Help me up.

Monica extends a hand and Chandler lifts her into a standing position.

Chandler: So who exactly is coming to this thing?

Monica: You, me, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross, and Joey and hopefully his fiancée.

Chandler: Nobody else?

Monica: Everyone else I invited already had plans.

Chandler: Or alibis.

Monica: See, you're getting into the spirit!

Chandler: I hate it when you get to me.

Monica: Okay, I'm going to go print out the "suspect list," and you start setting the evidence out. This is going to be fun!

Chandler: What evidence?

Monica: I've got it all in a box on the kitchen table. It's clues and stuff that point us toward the killer. You know, a Bloomingdale's receipt for Rachel, a dinosaur fossil for Ross.

Chandler: So we're supposed to think he just carries bones and fossils around with him in his pockets all the time?

Monica: Just scatter the evidence around the room.

Chandler: Are we planning on fingerprinting everyone, too?

Monica: Ew, no! Ink smudges!

Chandler: There's, apparently, a dead body in your living room and you're worried about ink?

Monica: I'm always worried about ink!

Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room, time has elapsed. The room is decorated for the murder mystery party. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are standing in the room.

Monica: Mike couldn't come?

Phoebe: No, murder really freaks him out.

Chandler: Weird, he must be sane.

Enter Ross and Rachel.

Rachel: Hey! Ooh, it's spooky in here.

Monica: It's not supposed to be spooky. It's supposed to be murder-y.

Chandler: Oh my God, we've progressed to inventing adjectives. Monica, I really think-

Monica: Oh, we get it! You don't approve of a murder mystery party for whatever reason, can you stop being such a buzz kill and go hang out upstairs or something?

Chandler: Okay.

Exit Chandler. A pause.

Monica: Did you guys notice I slipped the word "kill" in there?

Ross: Oh…

Rachel: Yeah, I guess.

Monica: See even when I'm mad I'm still in theme.

Enter Joey and Erin.

Joey: Hey!

Joey looks around at everyone's solemn expressions (they are upset about Monica and Chandler's argument.)

Joey: Whoa, who died?

Phoebe: Monica and Chandler are fighting.

Erin points to the tape outline on the floor.

Erin: Seriously, though.

Time elapses. Scene remains in living room. Monica is sitting on the couch, everyone else (but Chandler) is gathered around her.

Monica: Okay, so our victim was found dead at four in the afternoon, and it's been predicted that he died at eight in the morning.

Rachel: Oh my God, where are the earrings I wore in here? I can't find them! It's like the fake murder mystery party turned into a real robbery? What if it turns into a real murder? It would be all ironic and horrible.

Monica: Will you calm down? I swiped stuff from all of you when you walked in, to use as evidence. Now, on with the murder!

Erin: So, is there going to be cake?

Joey: There should be cake.

Monica: If I make a cake, will you concentrate and actually act serious? We're investigating a murder!

Ross: And you definitely know how to keep the fun going.

Joey: No, I will focus. I can use this for experience in playing a homicide detective, like in this movie I'm auditioning for.

Erin: Nice. You ever played a cop before?

Joey: Not really.

Rachel: I thought Mac Machiavelli, from your "Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E." show was a cop.

Joey: Yeah, but this time my partner has skin.

Monica: Okay, I'm going to go bake a cake, you guys read over the list of clues and try to narrow down suspects.

Monica exits to kitchen, then reenters immediately after.

Monica: You guys aren't having fun, are you?

Phoebe: No.

Ross: No.

Erin: I don't even know what's going on!

Monica: Oh, come on! I worked really hard to plan a murder mystery party and now nobody is enjoying it.

Rachel: Well, we kind of just wanted to hang out. Do something nice, like dinner. It is Valentine's Day.

Monica: I was trying to do something new and different for Valentine's Day.

Phoebe: It's Valentine's Day, Monica. It's a holiday, and holidays are supposed to be traditional.

Monica: I don't know why I even went through with this, the whole thing was for Chandler. He hates tradition, that's why I was trying to do something new.

Joey: What are you talking about? Chandler loves tradition! That's why he and I always get pizza on Fridays.

Rachel: You didn't last week. Or the week before that.

Joey: Exactly, two weeks in a row! That makes "sometimes not getting pizza" a tradition.

Ross: Monica, why would you think he hated traditions?

Monica: He told me that he hated traditions last Christmas when I asked him to make Christmas cookies with me.

Rachel: Oh, Mon, none of us like making cookies with you.

Joey: Yeah, you yell at us when we use too many sprinkles.

Monica: Well, they should be evenly spread on each cookie. Proportionally.

Enter Chandler.

Chandler: Okay, you want a murder?

Chandler lays down on the floor.

Chandler: Alright, I'm dead.

Monica: Oh, we're not doing that anymore.

Monica helps Chandler stand up.

Monica: But you would die for me?

Chandler: I felt guilty storming off during your big party. Besides, it's Valentine's Day, I wanted to be with you. I love you.

A pause.

Monica: I mean, if you wanted, you could position yourself to fit in that white tape outline.

Chandler: I don't love you that much.

Credits appear on screen.

CREDITS SCENE:

Scene opens in the hall between Ross and Rachel's and Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey is standing in front of Ross and Rachel's apartment. He knocks on their door. Rachel answers, again in her robe.

Rachel: Oh, come on, Joey! It's Valentine's Day!

Joey: I know! I just need one of Ross's condoms.

Rachel: We keep them on the stairs.

Joey looks to the left, at the stairs.

Joey: What?

Rachel slams the door in his face.

END OF SHOW