A/N: This chapter may be very difficult for anyone to read if they have been subject to any kind of abuse. I will warn you that Ana's past is talked about and I did not want anyone who has been abused to read this without fair warning. Thank you for reading.
Legal stuff: I do not own the characters of FSoG. They belong to E.L. James. I own all original characters and the storyline.
Chapter 14:
Ana swallowed a sip of wine as Christian paced back and forth in front of her. For some reason, he was extremely nervous to ask her something. Her heart was racing in fear that he wanted a weekend alone with Staci. She knew that he was frustrated that their daughter had little interaction with him when he was with her.
"I …" He started then he turned towards her and went to his knees before her. "I need more, Ana. I hate only staying here until she goes to bed then I have to leave."
"You want her with you at your apartment." She felt her head begin to pound.
"Actually, no. I understand your hesitance about that. I want to stay here during the weekends. I want to have breakfast with her…and you. I want us to be a real family."
Ana had to laugh. "Well, hell, Christian, why don't we just get married and you just move in?"
"Okay." He said after he thought about her last statement for about three seconds.
"Christian, I'm joking. We can't get married. You don't love me and I don't love you."
"Yes, but we both love Staci." He reached out and took her wine glass from her hands. "Listen, we are good friends now…and yes, I will admit it that I want you like I've never wanted anything before in my life. I think you find me very attractive."
Ana shook her head. "Christian, this is crazy. You can't want me. I'm not want you need or want in a woman…and I know you have a Sub waiting for you right now at Escala."
"I don't want to go back to Escala tonight." He moved closer to her, his hands supporting his upper body on her firm thighs. "I want to stay here with you and Staci."
"No, Christian." She said softly. "You have company waiting for you. I think you should leave."
"Ana, please." He leaned closer into her personal space. Their lips were so close. He could feel her breath on his face and it made his heart race faster. He did want this woman so much. "Please let me stay the night. I promise to behave. I will sleep anywhere you want me too."
She laughed gently. "Alright then…you can sleep in your own bed in your own apartment." She smiled when he gave her that smirk.
Christian loved the way that she challenged him. She wasn't afraid of him and that was refreshing. "Ana, are you being difficult for a reason?" He trailed his nose up and down hers, the intimacy so strong that he felt himself harden. "Please don't turn me down. I can't take another rejection at your hands."
Those grey eyes were pleading and begging. She could hardly say no to Staci when she pulled out those sad puppy dog eyes and Christian was even more dangerous than their daughter was. "Nothing good could come from you staying here." He closed his eyes and ran their noses together once again. "Christian, don't."
"Please let me stay. I will fix breakfast in the morning."
"You can't cook, remember?"
"Ok, I'll make the tea and coffee." He opened his eyes to stare into her blue depths. "Anastasia?" His hand gently caressed her cheek. "I will be the perfect houseguest. I won't drink out of the milk carton, I won't leave wet towels on the bathroom floor, and I even promise to make my own bed in the morning."
"You will sleep in the guestroom and you don't even think about knocking on my door…do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Ma'm." His hand threaded through her hair. As he suspected her hair was like silk sliding through his fingers. "Can I kiss you goodnight?"
"If you insist."
He chuckled lightly then gently kissed her left cheek, then her right cheek, and then let his lips grazed across hers. "Thank you, Ana."
Ana swallowed hard. She clinched her thighs tightly and tried to control the naughty thoughts that were swimming around in her head. "I will show you to the guest room."
They stood at the door of the guestroom. Ana opened it and motioned him to enter. "Good night, Christian."
"What? No goodnight kiss?" He frowned but then it grew into a smile when she rolled her eyes. She started to leave when he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her close. "Good night, Anastasia." His mouth captured hers for a proper kiss. She resisted for a few seconds but then responded hotly. Her tongue slipped through his lips and swirled around his. He held her even tighter. As soon as the kiss started, he ended it and let her go. "Sweet dreams, Ana." He left her in the hallway as he went into the guestroom shutting the door.
She stood there for a few moments trying to decide her next move. She raised her arm to knock but stopped herself. Nothing good could come from knocking on his door. They would only disappoint and hurt each other. He only knew what he was taught and she knew she was frigid. She could never lie beneath him and let him … she couldn't even think about it. She turned and left the door. She went into Staci's nursery and gazed upon the sleeping face of the most beautiful child in the world. She took responsibility for this angel because she knew she would never have children of her own. How could she have children when she couldn't have sex with a man? Staci was her dream come true. "I love you Staci Beth."
To Christian this night would never end. Down the hall from him was the woman he wanted and he couldn't touch her. She wouldn't let him touch her. This was new for him. Most women threw themselves at him, but not Ana. She denied him and herself such pleasures. He could hear her moving around in the house. She went up and down the hallway going from her room to Staci's nursery. He knew that she was worried about him spending the night. "Come to me, Ana." He whispered into the darkness. "Come to me, baby."
She never went to his room and as he promised, he was the perfect houseguest. He made his bed, cleaned up the bathroom, and he would never drink milk out of a carton. He woke up before she did so he made his way to the kitchen and started the coffee and the teakettle. He was drinking a cup of coffee when Ana made her way into the kitchen. She was wearing an oversized t-shirt and a pair of lounging shorts with a battered old flannel rope. He frowned. She should be wearing silks, satins, and laces. If she were his, he would make sure that only the purest of silks would touch her beautiful creamy skin.
"Good morning." Christian said over his coffee cup. "Teakettle is ready."
"Thanks." She said lowly. Ana was not a morning person especially since she didn't get a wink of sleep. She was quiet as she prepared her tea. She turned and faced him. "Staci won't be up for awhile." She looked up at the kitchen clock and it was five thirty in the morning. "You hungry?"
"Some."
"I can make anything you want."
Christian's eyebrows went up in amusement. "Alright, make me another child. Let's give Staci a little brother or sister."
The shock of his words made her falter. She nearly fell over. "I don't think you are funny, Christian."
"I'm not being funny. I am dead serious." He put down his coffee cup. "I want more children and I want my children with you."
"God, you never let up." She had to shake her head and laugh. "Christian, as much as I find you attractive…probably the most attractive man I have ever seen in my life…I cannot have sex with you…or with any man." The tears welled up in her eyes. The ever present pain of her shortcoming shot through her gut. "I am frigid. I don't have sex because I can't stand to be touched by a man or even a woman if it is to deal with sex." Her secret was out. He finally knew. She refused to look at him and let him see her shame that she was not a real woman. She would never experience the ecstasy of passion and the sweetness of love.
Her words made the ornery smirk slide off Christian's face. Frigid? "I don't understand…why?"
She had to find a way to explain it to him without actually seeing the horrible memory playing over and over in her brain. "I … was … raped." The words came out raw and slow. "He raped me repeatedly. She never…she saw it…she didn't stop him. She let him do that to me." The tears were rolling down her cheeks. "He beat me then he tied me down to the bed and he whipped me with his belt…before he…" Ana dropped her teacup and it smashed into pieces by her feet. "She never stopped him. She just left me there. My mother left me to be raped by her husband."
Christian came over the kitchen island and caught her before she collapsed on the floor. "Oh, god, Ana…I didn't know. I swear, I never knew. Oh, baby…how could she…what kind of mother…" He picked her and cradled her close to his chest. "No one will ever hurt you again. I swear, Ana…I won't let anyone hurt you." He carried her into the living room and sat with her on his lap. He gave her comfort by sitting quietly and letting her cry.
"She left the house laughing. She left me there with him knowing what he was going to do…what he had already done." Ana squeezed her eyes tight trying to get the memory out of her head. "I hate her so much, Christian. I hate her for what she did. She gave me to him…she watched as he…she sat and watched. She didn't care about me…she never did…she hated me."
Christian was horrified hearing her story. He held her tighter wanting to absorb all her pain and relieve her of the horrid memories that made her cry. "Baby." He whispered as he kissed the top of her head.
"I … I went to the hospital and told the nurses what happened to me because I was so sick all the time. He got me pregnant. I was thirteen years old and pregnant with his child."
"That's when Dad and Ray finally got you back." She nodded as more tears fell from her eyes.
"I would only give my Dad's name so he would have to come and get me. I never mentioned her or his name." She sobbed against his chest. "I wanted my Dad."
"Of course, you did." He kissed her head once again.
Once the floodgates were opened, Ana couldn't stop. The words rolled out of her along with the pain and despair. "Daddy signed the papers for the abortion. I was too little to give birth…and…I didn't want it. I didn't want that thing inside me. Daddy said it wouldn't hurt…and he would be there when I woke up…he would make everything right again. When I woke up, Dad was in the chair next to me and Carrick was in a chair at the end of my bed. They were watching over me…keeping them away. Stephen was arrested that day for rape and assault and Carla…she was arrested also for endangering the life of a minor. Daddy took me home a few days later…and then Carrick and Grace…they found me…they helped Daddy get me the help that I needed…therapy, testing, schooling…everything."
Christian closed his eyes and let her cry against the front of his shirt. He held her close. "I will keep you safe now." He gritted his teeth. "No one will ever hurt you again."
When she fell asleep in tears, Christian gently placed her back in her bed and covered her up. She looked so small in her bed. He was frowning as he remembered her words. The treatment she experienced was worse than anything he could imagine. Who could do that to a child and her mother…how could she sit there and watch a monster beat and rape her daughter? He heard Staci cry out for her Mama. He quickly went to the nursery so Ana could sleep. The moment that Staci saw him, she began to cry harder.
"Shhh, shhh,…it's alright, little one, Daddy's here. Mommy is asleep." He picked her up and cuddled her close. "How about some breakfast? I wonder what you can eat." He laughed. "Oh, I know…I will call my Mommy. She always knows what to do."
Grace made record time driving to Ana's home. She breezed into the house like a hurricane taking over, taking care of Staci with a quick breakfast of oatmeal, and then checking on Ana. Christian explained about Ana's meltdown.
"She'll be fine. She just needed to shut down for a bit, but I will make sure that she talks to Steffi." Grace put her stethoscope back into her bag. She smiled at her son. "You can go home now."
"I'm not leaving, Mom. She needs me and Staci…she needs me also."
"I can care for them." Grace escorted Christian to the hallway. "Listen, this is a very delicate situation."
"I know what happened to her in Texas. She told me." He whispered.
"Listen, she doesn't know about Carrick…I know that your father told you. I don't want her finding out by accident."
"Mom, she already knows. She figured it out long time ago." He closed the door behind them. "Don't you think it's time for all these secrets to stop? Ana is Carrick's biological daughter, Staci is my biological daughter, and I am fucking in love with both of them."
"Christian." Grace breathed as her hand went to her throat. He was in love. He admitted that he was in love with Ana. She wanted to laugh aloud with joy. "You love her?"
He closed his eyes. Damn, this was one fucked up situation. He, a fucking Dom was in love with a woman who was abused physically and sexually. He could never be in a BDSM relationship with this woman, but he didn't give a damn. He wanted Ana and he didn't care what he had to give up to have her, to keep her safe, to give her security. He would give up the lifestyle. "I want her and Staci in my life forever."
"Thank God…oh Christian, don't make the same mistakes Carrick and I did with Ana. We should have fought harder for her." She began to cry. "It's our fault that she was abused in Texas. We should have made Carla give her to us when she was born. Christian, we always loved her. It killed your Dad to leave her at Ray's but he thought he was protecting me and our family."
Christian pulled his Mom into his embrace. "Mom, don't cry. It's not your fault. It's that bastard's fault…he did this to her…and that woman. If I ever get my hands on either of them…"
"Christian, don't hurt her. If you love her, don't ever hurt her like Carrick…did me." She swallowed a sob. "I still love him, I have always loved him, but the pain…oh god, Christian when he told me about the affair with a damn teenager then later when I found out she was pregnant…fuck it hurt so much. She gave him a child. She gave him the child I couldn't give him."
"Mom." He held her close for the first time since she adopted him. This was a fucked up day. The women in his life were full of tears. First, Ana, then Staci, and now, his mom. He sighed heavily. So, this is what it's like to have a normal life with emotions. "Mom, you did the best that you could do with the circumstance presented to you. I know Dad loves you more than anything."
They stood in the middle of Ana's hallway holding each other. Most of the secrets were out in the open now. He knew that soon he would have to tell them about his own secrets. It was time for the slate of their lives to be wiped clean so they all could move on with their lives. He needed to be cleaned, to be purified from the life that he lived so that he could be worthy of Ana and Staci. It was time to grow up. It was time to be a real man. It was time to give and receive love. He was ready to move forward in life and actually have a life that was truly a life.