HOLLA! So here is yet another chapter! This was a really hard chapter to write and it marks the beginning of the end. I don't know how many chapters are left but we are starting to reach the end, both finding out who Tom's killer is and seeing the inevitable happen.
I hope you like this and not too many feels are destroyed. If anyone wants to talk feels, you are welcome to PM me.
TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of death...
I don't own anything.
1st May 2012.
There were often days when he had completely forgotten that he was a terminal Leukaemia patient, that he was slowly dying and was going to be gone from this world soon enough. It was nice on those days, he could forget about the pain and aches he had. He could sit back in his hospital bed and have conservations with Blaine, perhaps even a few debates if either of them were up to it. He might even sometimes get het chance to go home, go to the comforts of his parents and Finn, to McKinley where his friends were waiting for him with open arms to sing with no cares. Even Karofsky had stopped bothering him less than he had before. Perhaps the Neanderthal had realised that he was suffering enough and didn't need any more.
But today was not one of those days, most definitely not. He had been feeling unwell the previous evening and at his father's suggestion/insistence, he had gone to the hospital. He was frankly rather sick, he felt as if he was dying, yet another unpleasant reminder that he actually was, and his breathing was laboured. He hated worrying his father who now sat by his side, and he could see that Blaine was peering over from his bed, frowns creased in his face as the doctor took his temperature and did all the usual checks. He was so used to it that he didn't care what people saw, his father had seen him naked so many times and he and Blaine were so comfortable around each other that it didn't matter he was half-naked.
He lay on the bed, wishing that his aches and pains would go away and that the doctor would stop looking so worried. He was on a drip as another violent nosebleed had occurred while he had slept, how he had missed that he wasn't entirely sure, and he had lost a lot of blood. It was at this time, with the drip, even paler features than usual and a tiredness so draining that he couldn't even bother to move, that he felt most vulnerable and ill, most susceptible to disease and as if he was going to die any day now.
"Doctor Green, how bad is it?" Burt spoke up eventually once the doctor had completed his examination.
Doctor Green stood back, a sad look on his face. "I'm going to have to consult my records Mr Hummel to determine exactly but I'm afraid it isn't looking fantastic." He nodded to Kurt. "You can put your shirt back on Kurt. I'll be back within an hour to tell you."
He nodded briefly before leaving the room. It tore at Blaine to see his boyfriend like this but he realised quickly that he should really be there, it was a good time to let Kurt and Burt have some alone time. "I'm going to go and call my parents; I need them to send something to Dalton for me." He murmured and Burt threw a half-grateful glance in the direction of the boy who grabbed his phone and shuffled out of the room, enjoying the exercise and relishing the chance to speak to his parents again even though it had been only a week.
Back inside the room, Burt turned to look at his son. He couldn't lose him so soon; he hadn't even finished his finals or graduated. The two boys were taking their finals when they could and therefore no school friends had been allowed to come in for fear of cheating. It seemed like only yesterday that he had lost Elizabeth; Kurt was one of the few reminders he had of the woman he loved and had lost. Now he was in huge danger of losing him too. He knew he was going to lose him someday; the diagnosis in January had cut that time shorter than they had hoped.
"Dad?" Kurt's voice was barely above a whisper, he couldn't manage very much more.
Burt clasped his son's hands in his own, thankful for the conversations that he no longer took for granted. He was going to make sure that each one lasted and counted. "I'm here kiddo, don't worry. I'm not going away."
Kurt turned his head on the pillow to face his father. There were bags under his father's eyes and Kurt could see age seeping into the crease lines on his forehead one by one. "How are Carol and Finn?"
Burt chuckled, that was the unselfish son he knew. No matter his condition, Kurt always put his friends and family first. "Waiting for the result. I've even persuaded Sue to let him have his phone on during school so he can be updated instantly."
Kurt smiled weakly. "Is she developing a soft patch?" Burt chuckled, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Maybe she's finally grown fond of Porcelain."
Burt's expression hardened. "Don't let her cruel nicknames get to you Kurt, you are perfect and not fake in any way. Don't use that name for yourself."
Kurt tilted his head slightly in thought. "You know, I'm starting to like it. People have gone through many nicknames around me but mine has always stuck. I like to think of it as more of a term of endearment than anything else nowadays." He turned his head back, his eyes gazing at the familiar ceiling above. "How much longer do you think I have Dad? Really."
Burt swallowed; he didn't want their conversation to be filled with talk about death and what was going to come. But it was a necessary evil, a part of life and he had to deal with it. "I don't know kiddo." He sighed eventually, trying not to let his emotions show; he had to be brave for Kurt. "The doctor said up to 8 months back in January and these have been a precious 5 months so far. I don't want to ruin it by imagining that you have any less than three months with us."
Kurt tried to blink back tears but it was getting harder to. "I just…I just I never really realised how quick 8 months could go by until that's all I had left to live in. I don't want it to be cut any shorter but I think that's what the Doctor was realising. And if is going to get rid of the pain, maybe it's a gift."
Burt sighed heavily; he feared the same thing as his son. "Are you scared Kurt?" He asked after a pregnant pause that allowed them to think.
Another pause filled the silence as Kurt pondered the question. Was he scared of leaving this world, his family, friends and enemies behind? Was he scared of the unknown, whatever lay beyond this world? He didn't believe in a god so he had no idea of what was going to happen to him when he did pass on. Was there a heaven and a hell? Was there something or was he just buried and left to rot?
He nodded after a while. "In all honesty, just a little. I don't believe in anything so there's no concept of life after death to concern me with. But, the idea of leaving all my family and friends, everyone that I've ever cared about, yeah that does scare me a little. I just want the pain to go, to be free of what is holding me back from being a normal teenager."
Burt's heart ached for his son. He understood what his son was saying perfectly and it killed him inside to know that he couldn't just give him that life with a click of a finger and exchange of a few notes like he could with surprise presents for Kurt. He wanted to see his son become a man, to see him go to NYADA like he had always dreamed, to perform on Broadway and to let the world know of much he shined. He was already in the midst of making plans for one of those to happen, he was just waiting for the right moment.
No father should have to bury their son; no parent should have to go through the process of losing a child. And yet here he was, without a wife and soon to be without a son, and honestly he was breaking. But he had to stay strong for Kurt, he owed him that much at least. He didn't know what to say, he couldn't. He didn't know what it was like to be going through what Kurt was going through, they both knew it, and he wasn't going to claim to any time soon.
"I'd think you a little bit of a fool if you weren't scared Kurt. Not knowing what is happening, what is to come is a scary thing. But you know that Carol, Finn, all of your friends at McKinley, Dalton, Blaine and I will be here to be with you through every journey. You are not alone Kurt, you never have been and you never will be."
Kurt sniffed; his father always knew exactly what to say at the right time. "Thanks Dad." It was more of a comfortable silence that fell over the two of them. "What do you think Dr Green suspects? Really. No lies Dad, let's be honest here."
Burt took a deep breath, before placing his answer. "Honestly, there are two things I suspect. One is what I fear the most and the other is a hope. The fear is that something has taken a turn for the worst, that you aren't responding to treatment and that you will be snatched from me quicker than they suspected. My hope is that something has taken a turn for the better and he needed a second opinion to check that that was the right thing, that you are getting better and this just might be your body responding in a good way to the treatment."
Kurt shook his head. "We both know the former is the most likely." He sighed and turned to look at his father. "Dad, I love Blaine, I really do but what do you think I should do about him? If I have less time to live, is it really worth investing in the relationship we have?"
Burt looked at his son seriously. "Kurt that is your decision. I can see how much you make Blaine happy and how much he makes you happy. You two have done nothing but good things for each other and if I were you, I would continue. But only you know how much it is going to hurt when one of you goes, one of you will be left behind." He bit his lip and smiled slightly. "But if you do decide to give things a break, at least do something for me."
Kurt nodded eagerly, he did love Blaine but thins were not as easy as that. "Sure dad, what do you want me to do?"
Burt's expression hardened. "At least let him know that it want because of anything he did. That is the way to break someone' heart if they think it was their fault when it wasn't. Blaine seems like a good kid and I don't think that anyone will forgive you if you aren't gentle. Remember, he' going through the same thing as you, just at a slower pace."
Kurt processed this. Of course he had no intention of letting Blaine go at all but what his father aid rung true. He knew what it was like to be betrayed by so called friend and then be put down, he didn't want it to happen to anyone else. "Don't worry dad, I think I know what I'm going to do."
Burt smiled sadly. "That's my boy."
The tension could be cut with a knife as the doctor walked in at that very moment. He clutched his trusty clipboard to his chest, Dr Green was never one for new technology, against his white doctors coat and came and sat down next to Burt, pulling up a chair delicately in an attempt to be calm and collected. Both men looked at him and Kurt took a breath, preparing himself for what he knew was bad news.
"Kurt," Dr Green swallowed before continuing, the older man himself with a tear in his eye, "do you remember what I told you back in January? How many month I thought you had left unless the chemo worked miracles and pushed you into remission?"
Kurt nodded his face expressionless as he resisted the temptation to cry. "You said I had eight months to live. That I would be gone by the time the new academic year started."
Dr Green nodded slowly. "Well remembered. The thing is," he sighed and looked down momentarily before looking back at Kurt, "my estimation was wrong. You don't have another three months to live."
Kurt looked hopeful but he knew he was just trying to lighten the mood. "I have more?"
Dr Green chuckled, a dry laugh with a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "I wish I could say that. My guess was an estimation, it is hard to tell how long you will last that far into the future. Your body stopped responding to treatment about a month ago." He took a deep breath; having to deliver bad news of any kind was the worst part of his job. "I estimate you now only have four weeks to live Kurt." The boy's eyes widened in fear and confusion. "I'm so sorry." Hi stood. "I'll leave you two to process this; I won't contact McKinley until you request me to do so. As your school, they need to take your finals and graduation into consideration."
He left the room; leaving behind a fear so palpable in Kurt's eyes it was almost scary. And outside the door, to the right, Blaine sunk to the floor. He had heard everything and he would give anything to have not done.
What did you think? Did you like it? Was it done okay?