I wake up in a whitewashed hospital room, my chest slightly throbbing. A distinct beeping noise comes from some machine in the room.
"About time you woke up sweetheart," says Haymitch's voice from my bedside. I turn to face him, getting up slowly. He is freshly washed and trimmed, a surprising change. His eyes have bags underneath them, as if he hadn't slept for days, and there is a surprising amount of concern in his eyes.
"You gave us quite a scare sweetheart, passing out in Finnick's arms like that," he continues. I try to get up, but he forces me down.
"You better get some rest sweetheart. You shouldn't be exerting yourself, especially in your current condition," he says. What condition? I look at him in confusion, "What condition?" I ask Haymitch.
"Katniss, I don't know how to tell you this," he says gravely. I suddenly don't want to hear what he has to tell me.
"After you passed out in Finnick's arms, you started bleeding, really bad. You miscarried Katniss," he says and avoids my gaze. I stare at him, expecting him to crack up, and tell me that he is only joking, but he did no such thing. I was pregnant. Of course. Gale's baby... How could I forget? I feel hollow, and tears fall from my eyes. I also feel guilt because I never wanted this baby and I forgot about it, all because it was Gale's baby and not Peeta's or Haymitch's. Haymitch wraps his arms around me as I hold my head and cry for my unborn baby. I was in complete shock – It feels like I had just found out I was pregnant and then it was suddenly all over. Not only had I lost the baby but I also felt physically damaged.
A couple of weeks later, I have to get back to business. President Snow actually did something nice. He let me have a couple of weeks off Prostitution Duty to mourn my baby. I've never cried so much in my whole life. I was walking about with an empty feeling when I should have been carrying my baby. I have finally come to terms with what happened and I am trying to move on. But I sometimes get really sad or angry, then feel guilty because other women have it so much worse. I'm not sure how I should react, behave, move on. But now I am okay, so I should focus on that and not what has happened.
Over those weeks I was being trained by Haymitch, Cinna and Finnick on how to be seductive and the best ways to please the Capitol men. They taught me how to walk sexily, talk seductively and dress provocatively.
Today I have a client named Mr Snile. I don't know when he is going to arrive or where I am meeting him so I will just wait for someone to collect me. But when I got back to my room, I found Mr Snile sitting on my bed, waiting for me. I had met him at a Capitol party and for a Capitol person he wasn't overly enhanced. He smiles at me while licking his lips. I have to remember all the things my three men had taught me. I saunter over to him; he stands up as I make my way over to him. When I reach him I place my hands on his shoulders gently and flick my eyes up to him, "Oh hello, Mr. Snile. I was hoping you would be here when I got back." I say seductively moving my hands down his chest slightly. He tenses only a little at my touch, but is enjoying it very much. "May I offer you a drink?" I ask turning to go to the bar, swinging my hips as I walk.
"Yes…bourbon on the rocks." He says. I can feel his eyes on me and his breathing getting heavier. I return with the drinks and offer him a seat. He sits and as I go to take a seat he grabs me and sits me on him. I giggle on cue. He kisses my neck and down my shoulders his free hand feeling my body. I become a robot on the inside. Only doing what I know will please him and in turn keep my sister safe. I am on autopilot. He leaves after we have finished, placing a diamond bracelet on my wrist before he kisses my hand. I blush and thank him for the extravagant gift. "It was worth every penny." He says with an evil grin and a wink. I shudder on the inside trying to hold in my disgust.
As soon as Mr Snile has left, I take a shower, change and then I go to Haymitch's room. We spend the whole night drinking liquor and joking about our terrible lives until the alcohol has taken the desirable effect and we fall asleep in each others arms on his bed.
Haymitch and I start sleeping together. Not just sleep, but we would have sex. Even though I would have a couple appointments a day, We both would still be in wanting each other. It is a distraction, like the alcohol, and it is real human contact with emotions. I won't even say we are just having sex, but we let our walls down and would show each other love, the love and tenderness that we both crave. Everyday is the same. Get up. Have an Appointment. Meet Haymitch. Have another appointment. Drink with Haymitch. Maybe have another appointment or a date. Make love to Haymitch. Sleep.
After a couple of months, me, Haymitch and Jason are on our way back home for the 75th Quarter Quell. As we are sitting in the bar car in silence. I ask the question that is on everyone's mind. "What do you think they will do?" At first there is no answer and then Haymitch answers quietly, "It must be the reading of the card." I don't know what the reading of the card is because I have never been alive for a Quarter Quell before but I don't ask because these next few nights are no doubt going to be hard on Haymitch. He won the last Quarter Quell so he is going to have to expect a lot of unwanted attention and maybe a couple of memories will resurface for him. But I am glad that I have Jason as a mentor too as Haymitch is going to be wasted and no help this year.
We arrive back in District 12 just in time to see the announcement of the twist for this year's Quarter Quell. The anthem plays, and my throat tightens with revulsion as President Snow takes the stage. I have to bite back the urge to scream every foul word at him as Snow begins to speak in his cold voice, "For the 75th Quarter Quell, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors." I hear my mother gasp and Prim let out a sob. At first I don't get what he means and then I get it, what it means. At least, for me. District 12 only has three existing victors to choose from. Two male. One female…I am going back to the arena.
My body reacts before my mind does and I'm running out the door, across the lawn's of the Victor's Village into the dark beyond. Moisture from the sodden ground soaks my socks and I'm aware of the sharp bite of the wind, but I don't stop. I don't realise I am heading straight to Haymitch's house until I burst through his front door. He's sitting alone at the kitchen table, a half emptied bottle of white liquor in one hand and knife in the other. Drunk as a Skunk. "Ah, there she is. Finally did the maths, did you sweetheart? Worked out you won't be going in alone? And now your here to ask me... what?" he says. I don't answer right away. The window's wide open and the wind cuts through me just as if I was outside. What did I come for? I think. What could I possibly want here?
"I came for a drink" I finally manage to get out. Haymitch bursts out laughing and then slams a bottle down on the other end of the table before me. As I take a couple of gulps of the liquor it feels like fire running down my throat and I like it. "It would be bad for you, wouldn't it? With you knowing all the others." I ask. "Oh, I think we can count on it being unbearable wherever I am." I realize I am not just here for a drink. There is something else I want from Haymitch.
"Okay, I have figured out what I am asking." I say, "If it is me and Jason in the Games, we try to keep him alive." Something flickers across Haymitch's bloodshot eyes. Pain. "Please Haymitch, say you will help me." I beg him. He frowns at his bottle, "All right." he says finally. "Thanks." I say with relief. It's just I can't stand the thought of Jason not being here anymore. He is like the little brother I never had. I should go and see him but I don't want to. My head is spinning from the drink, and I'm so wiped out, who knows what he will be able to get me to agree to? No, now I have to go home to face my mother and Prim.
As I stagger up the stairs to my house, the door flies open and Peeta pulls me into his arms, "We should have left." he whispers into my ear. "No," I say. I'm having trouble focusing, and liquor is sploshing down Peeta's jacket but he doesn't seem to care. "It's not too late." he says. Over his shoulder, I see my mother and Prim clutching each other in the doorway. We run. They die. End of discussion. "Yeah it is." My knees give way and Peeta is holding me up. As the alcohol overcomes my mind, I hear the glass bottle shatter on the floor. This seems appropriate since it seems I have lost my grip on everything. Over the next couple of weeks, Me, Jason and Haymitch start to train like Careers as it is obvious that two of us will be up against some real deadly opponents and the other will have to mentor us.
The day of the reaping comes hot and sultry. The population of District 12 waits, sweating and silent, in the square with machine guns trained on them. I stand alone in a small roped-off area with Jason and Haymitch in a similar pen to the right of me. The reaping takes only a minute. Effie, shining in a golden wig and outfit, lacks her usual verve. She picks up a slip of paper out of the girls bowl and reads my name in a clear voice. Then she catches Jason's name and I hear Haymitch shout, "I volunteer." I shoot Haymitch an unhappy look but he just shrugs and tells me he promised me he would keep the boy alive so he did by volunteering. We are immediately marched into the Justice Building but for some reason we aren't allowed to say goodbye to our families and friends. I fight with them at first until I realise my attempts are futile and I give up. We're ushered out of the backdoor, into a car, and taken to the train station. Jason and Effie appear, escorted by guards. Peacekeepers hurry us all onto the train then slam the doors and the wheels begin to turn.
And I'm left staring out of the window, watching District 12 disappear, with all my goodbyes still hanging on my lips.