Chapter Fourteen

Thought for the Day: You don't want to be thinking; we don't pay you to think.

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

We now join Vulkan, Roboute and Alpharious as they head towards the fabled Fields of Glory aboard the mighty capital ship Ultra Hammer, on loan from the Ultramar fleet.

Alpharious: "Rob, can this thing get any more ... garish?"

Roboute: "Man, if you don't like ma pimp'd-up mega-hammer grox-off mother-lovin' super-flash low-drivin' seat of style, then you can get your sorry ass off at the next gas station".

Alpharious: "Rob, I probably own the next gas station".

Roboute: "Say what?"

Vulkan: "Rob-"

Who's that cool-ass Primarch
who's a sex machine to all the chicks?
(Vulkan!)
You're damn right ...

Vulkan: "Man, there's a time and a place. Not when a brother's trying to make a point, you cool?"

Sorry ...

Vulkan: "Hey, it's cool. As I was saying, Rob, Alpharious here has spent the time since the Heresy doing proactive deeds for the greater good of Humanity. Al?"

Alpharious: "During the Great Crusade I bought major shares in all Remembrancer Warp Networks, which I then sold before the beginning of the Heresy and used the money to buy Grenade manufacturing plants, this being the time of 2nd Edition. I sold off all my Grenade manufacturing plants before the release of 3rd Edition in exchange for Rhino manufacturing plants which, needless to say, earned me more money. Using this money I bought major shares in Autocannons which weren't popular at the time, but after the release of the 4th Edition Codex: Space Marines began to earn major bucks; a little known fact being that Assault Cannons are several Autocannons tied together with a rotating self-loading mechanism. I made a little side-cash selling off Basilisks to Iron Warrior clans in the dying days of the 3.5 Codex thanks to little info gathered from my sources about the upcoming replacement Codex, which also led to me buying shares in Vindicator technology, knowing that the tank would be a popular choice for both sides".

Roboute: "This is all cool, man, but the question must be asked - what does this have to do with gas stations?"

Alpharious: "Oh ... I bought them just before the Gothic War when someone tipped me off that starship fuel might be in high demand".

Vulkan: "So how much does my brother Alpharious have growing in the bank?"

Alpharious: "I could probably buy most of the Imperium".

Vulkan: "Hot damn ..."

Roboute: "So why don't you?"

Alpharious: "I make more money renting it out".

Roboute: "You rent the Imperium out?"

Alpharious: "Yup. Where do you think Imperial Tithes go?"

Roboute: "So what are you going to do with all that cash?"

Alpharious: "Get into the GW hobby. That's what happens after forty thousand years of unchecked price inflations".

Vulkan: "Why not just buy the company and get the models free?"

Alpharious: "If you could find me another Imperium I might do just that".

Vulkan: "Hell, the rate this fic is going, we might see parallel dimensions showing up!"

Roboute: "Why not just buy Warmachine instead?"

WARMACHINE - PLAY LIKE YOU'VE GOT A PAIR!!

Vulkan: "What the hell was that?"

Alpharious: "Someone say Warmachine again ..."

WARMACHINE - PLAY LIKE YOU'VE GOT A PAIR!!

Alpharious: "No need, that worked".

Vulkan: "Kindly don't do that again. You could kill a Squiggoth with the testosterone packed into that slogan".

Alpharious: "Agreed. We may be Primarchs, but there's a limit to the bravo. Anyway, how far to the Fields of Glory?"

Flight Lieutenant: "Two weeks sir"

Alpharious: "What?!?"

Vulkan: "Man, do you have Realistic Warp Travel switched on?"

Flight Lieutenant: "Oh, sorry sir. Shall I switch it over to Narrative Convenience?"

Vulkan: "Do, we're kinda in a hurry".

Flight Lieutenant: flicks a switch "We're here sir".

Roboute: "Hot damn ... "

Vulkan: "Hot-" casts a glare at Roboute "-darn ..."

Alpharious: "Well **** me in the **** with a **** in ****** with a ***** up your ***** with ***** on the side".

Vulkan: "And what was that all about?"

Alpharious: "Sorry, I thought if I peppered random bleeps in that speech it would sound cool. Did I overdo it?"

Vulkan: "A little ..."

Roboute: "No we're here, I can get the crew together and roll out the hot-damn souped-up rigs we've pulled together on last season of Pimp my Rhino".

Vulkan: "Someone save me ..."

Alpharious: "Sorry, Superman works for me. As do most of the Justice League ..."

Vulkan: "Anything you don't own?"

Alpharious: "That" he points towards the desert world beneath them

Vulkan: "Yeah. Some 'Fields' of Glory down there"

Roboute: "I'm betting there's Sandworms ..."

Alpharious: "Now there's an original concept".

Vulkan: "Enough kids, it's time to roll out".

Several hours and one bad landing later ...

Alpharious: "Where did you get that pilot?"

Roboute: "Around ..."

Alpharious: "Hmm ... ?"

Roboute: "OK, he was ma hair sylist - I told him he could fly my rig next time I took it out for a spin ..."

Alpharious: "Well .. good job he's dead ... otherwise I would have killed him myself".

Roboute: "Hey, chill man. It's all cool. Relax, man ..."

Vulkan: "Now I'd had it with you and your 'wanna be a black guy' attitude. You're not a black man; you're a pasty white dude who wishes he was black!"

Alpharious: "Far be for me to interrupt this argument, which is approaching dangerous grounds surprisingly fast, but we're Space Marines. We can change the colour of our skin whenever we want. We can be any ethnic group we want - we're the most politically correct fighting force in history!"

Vulkan: "A good point my brother, but the fact remains that while you may look like a black man, and in this heat we all do, inside" beats his chest "you're not".

Alpharious: checking himself out in the reflection of his armour "Hmm ... is it a bad thing that I look like Chris Rock?"

Vulkan: "Probably, considering you looked like Tom Cruise five minutes ago".

Roboute: "Now that's an improvement".

Vulkan: "This we agree on. Anyway, drop the charade man, I remember when you used to be all stoic and serious. What happened man?"

Roboute: "It was a horrifying experience ... so many years ago ..."

Alpharious: "Wait ... are we having a flashback?"

Vulkan: "Not if I have any say in it. Tell us here, in the now, Rob".

Roboute: "Fine. It doesn't matter anyway. I challenge you Vulkan?"

Vulkan: "What?"

Roboute: "A challenge; I'll prove to you you're not the only token black guy in this family!"

Vulkan: "... what?"

Roboute: "We'll settle this like men! I challenge you ... to a drag race!!"

Vulkan: "What?!?!"

Roboute: "Do you accept?"

Alpharious: "What? Now? Guys, we have a universe to save!"

Vulkan: "Very well. Challenge accepted!"

Alpharious: "This is crazy!"

Robute: "Higgins, get the Blue Mobile ..."

A Space Marine salutes, then runs off to the landing craft. A short while later, a Rhino decked out with far more fur and neon lights than should be legal rolls down the ramp in front of the Primarchs.

Roboute: "Introducing the Blue Mobile, a super-hotrod pumped-up snizz-snazz cool-road wheel-turning babe-magnet extraordinare! Choose your rig Vulkan!"

Vulkan: jerks a thumb over his shoulder "Betty back there".

Roboute: "That old thing? What makes you think she stands a chance?"

Vulkan: "'cause while you've covered your rig in worthless crap, I replaced the engine with one designed for Salamander scout Chimeras with an in-built nitrogen oxide injector. In short, man; fuzzy dice don't do crap for speed".

Roboute: "We shall see ... HIGGINS!"

Higgins: "Rhinos, line up on the starting line!"

Alpharious: "I can't believe they're doing this ... you're both stupid, I hope you realise this!!"

Who will win? Who cares? Find the answers to these exciting questions in the next few chapters of Primarchs!!