Chapter 14

Tense.

That's how the following months could be described as.

Needless to say, Draco and Andromeda's plot did not go as planned. Angelica had not concealed her anger and disappointment ever since her argument with Severus. She pouted, spoke in a cutting way or averted his eyes. Years of practiced Occlumency made it relatively easy for him to put a neutral mask on and pretend her attitude didn't affect him, but it did, for his mind kept coming up with constant comparisons between Angelica and Lily. Both had been his friend. Both had been kind to him. Both had ignored him after a tense dispute. Until then, Severus had been so convinced that Angelica wasn't like Lily. She knew he had killed and didn't care he scowled so much or liked the company of a book rather than the company of people. She had always been there, by his side, despite his flaws. Lily had abandoned him. It seemed Angelica had reached her limit and was now following Lily's path. With Lily, he had apologized a thousand times. He hadn't tried with Angelica. He was sorry she had reacted like that. He didn't regret his decision though. She and her children would be safe. The rest didn't matter.

What Severus didn't grasp was that every time Angelica saw his robes disappearing into his lab to enclose himself, her heart ached. Granted, she was aware that she was at fault for giving him the silent treatment, but the thick air between them sickened her. The more distance she put, the more she missed him and realized her feelings for him wouldn't change. She was still in love with him.

One week.

That was how long she bore that pain.

Draco and Andromeda couldn't stand the silent war originated by a kiss and complicated by a frenzy of passion. Thus, when Angelica came to them and asked to take care of the twins while she tried to make peace and talk to Severus, nephew and aunt sighed in relief.

After so much animosity, the last thing Severus had expected to find in his lab first thing in the morning was a smiling Angelica. Her grin was shy. It didn't suit her. It could only mean she was nervous, and coming from such a blunt woman, the thought didn't calm him down. At a loss of what to do, he stood still, black eyes boring into her.

"I was hoping we could talk," she started, keeping her distance.

"Now you want to talk?" he scoffed.

Her instinct was to take a step back, but her back was already against the wall.

"You're a hypocrite." She couldn't deny that. She had been the one to ignore him for a long time. "What makes you think I want to talk to you now?"

"We're hurting."

And that was the truth. His lips pressed thin. He remained frozen in his spot. Plucking up courage, Angelica walked towards him and took his hand. He shoved her off. Far from giving up, she put her hand on his arm and reached up to his hair. He stiffened but didn't push her away. He almost cursed out loud.

The bloody hair.

He had wondered if she touched it on purpose before. Now he knew she was aware he couldn't resist her when she played with his tufts. If Andromeda asked Angelica later, the muggle would tell her she had detected longing in Severus's eyes, even if it had been for a moment.

"Will you work on the antidote now?"

Her stance was innocent, as were her eyes, yet she scratched her nose. That was enough for Severus to know that she was nervous about accomplishing her goal. If that was to pretend everything was fine, she would be highly disappointed.

"Don't. Touch. My. Hair." She withdrew her hand as if his hair was on fire. "I know what you aim to do. Don't waste your time. Whatever your mind has fantasized about won't come to life because it's only that: a fantasy."

Angelica clenched her fists and counted to ten mentally, willing to calm down and avert a situation in which she screamed, he matched her tone and both ended flustered, angry and dissatisfied.

"I miss you. Your meanness won't scare me away."

The lines of his face softened to the point his sneer wasn't visible. Gods. There she was, being the stubborn and kind self that had charmed him with no magic, the woman that read his mind like nobody had ever done. She hadn't followed Lily's path. She was here to make up. His heart wanted to crush her against the nearest wall and snog her senseless. The voice of reason kept him under control, warning him that was not a wise path. He shut his heart.

"I'd like to go back to how things were before I… Ugh, kissed you. You've become my best friend, and your decision not to be more than friends has hurt me a lot, but not talking to you… That is even more painful. I was angry, and I showed it. I needed to let it out. Now I need to make things right. Do you think we can be friends?"

It was phrased as a question, but it sure sounded like a plea, and he hated the sound.

Angelica wanted to become more than friends. But considering he was taking his time to even agree on being friends, she kept that to herself for the time being. Being friends would be a huge step forward, and she could always find solace in the fact that he was still in her life, even if it wasn't the way her heart longed for.

"I don't know."

She swallowed hard. At least his response had not been a resounding no.

"Are you willing to try?"

For the longest time, only silence was heard. His hair hung, covering his face. If he had an answer, he would have told her. With slumped shoulders, Angelica made her way out. By the time his silky voice spoke, she had already reached the doorway.

"I am willing, but we cannot become very close."

Angelica didn't turn around to face him, but she tilted her head enough to beam at him and say, "When you get tired of working, you know where to find me."

Afro curls disappeared from his sight, and he was left messed-up with dozens of potion ingredients and a cauldron to begin brewing. The voice of the reason struck again. Too risky. He had been too risky. But his heart thumped strongly again, and deep down, he was selfish enough to pursue a friendship. After all, had she not kissed him, they'd still be friends.

Their next conversation was awkward, but she had a talent for making him feel at ease with a simple smile and an ounce of raillery. He still stiffened if she touched his arm or if she took his hand. Angelica soon realized that as long as she didn't have physical contact of any kind with him, they'd be all right. And she was right. Slowly, their relationship went back to the friendship both of them had missed so much.

Despite the rain, Severus was in a far better mood than usual. Everybody could tell because the regular scowl on his forehead wasn't perceptible.

"You aren't sneering for once. What's happened today?" asked Angelica with Samuel and Ezra in her arms.

The gleam in her hazel eyes trapped him. He had no choice but to confess he almost had the antidote. Angelica smiled a true smile he had not seen directed to him in a long time. How he missed it.

"Really? When will you finish it?"

"On Monday. I need three petals of moly, and the apothecary is closed on the weekends."

She frowned.

"So you haven't tried the potion? You just have the feeling it'll work?"

"It will work, Angelica. It makes all the sense of the world. I have been blind all this time."

She tilted her head.

"What opened your eyes? How did you realize that moly was the missing piece?"

He smirked.

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Severus!"

Merlin. It was so easy to tease her. The vein on her neck throbbed so easily, and the irritation in her eyes lured him into kissing her. It would be so easy. He'd bow his head, lift her chin and press their lips.

Wait.

He was getting carried away, like in almost every conversation they held. His mind often drifted to how touching her or letting her touch him would feel, something that turned remaining only friends into a challenging task.

He cleared his throat.

"Draco and the twins."

"My sons are certainly not experts on Potions."

Severus rolled his eyes at her obvious statement.

"I watched Draco assisting Ezra and Samuel with the wooden puzzle. The twins focused on the details and couldn't solve the puzzle until Draco showed them the final image they had to create. That's what happened to me. I focused too much on the details and didn't see the whole picture. Now I do."

Two babies had cleared his vision. Who would have known? She grinned impishly and left the babies on the floor, crawling and babbling happily.

"You said muggles can't make potions, but can they help?"

We don't make potions, we brew them, he thought, although he didn't even bother correcting her choice of words. He didn't even cringe at it. He was used to her muggle way of speaking. He raised his eyebrows instead.

"Why do you want to know?"

She shrugged.

"I'd like to help you. It looks like cooking, only with more fumes and weirder colors and ingredients."

He snorted. Of course she'd compare brewing potions to cooking. He couldn't deny there was a certain resemblance, especially to the muggle mind, even if the aims of both activities were completely different. However, if there was a muggle subject that could be an analogy of Potions that was Chemistry, not cooking.

"Why do you want to help me?"

"Why not?" she shot back. "This antidote is supposed to save your life. Perhaps, once it is brewed, we can be together. You will not die. You wouldn't have an excuse to deny us then."

His jaw clenched. They had agreed they'd be friends, nothing more. He growled a word, her name. It didn't scare her. Not one bit.

"I tried to see you as my friend, but I feel more. I want more. I know you want the same, deep down. You are just too noble and cautious to start a relationship when you believe getting so close will hurt me."

Severus swallowed hard and lowered his gaze. Why the hell did she know him so well? It was terrifying, and at the same time, exciting. She was one of the very few people in his life that had taken the time to know him. She cared for him.

"What you fail to see is that I am suffering anyway every time you push me away when I hold your hand, every time you think I am getting too close and you move away. The potion kept us apart. Now it will bond us again."

"Angelica…" he said in the tone that told her she was crossing a line.

Being one of the very few people who didn't feel intimidated under his warning glare, she only rolled her eyes.

"Don't."

She lowered her eyebrows, a sign he had learnt to decipher as the beginning of an angry outburst.

"Don't what? Fight for us? Well, seeing as you aren't making a move I-"

"Angelica! Stop it! There is no us!"

He almost gripped her by her shoulders. She was exasperating him. His heart was aching again. Didn't she see it?

"There isn't because you're a coward!" she screamed, pointing at him.

He paled. His face contorted in pain, but only for a second. He stared at her. Not in fury. Not in resentment or disappointment. He was a blank book. He didn't even bother answering her. He had almost screeched that after everything he had been through, after everything he had done for Albus, for Draco, for her and her children, he was anything but a coward. Saying no to her had been one of the hardest decisions he had ever made. One of the bravest. He had given up his felicity in hopes of protecting her from him. Now that she had told him she was still suffering because he had rejected her and he still chose to keep his distance though, he felt like he deserved the word coward. Unable to say anything else, he turned on his heel and left.

They didn't cross paths until the sun began to hide behind the mountains that were visible from the windows, when Remus, Nymphadora and their baby got home.

An argument followed. Never had Angelica seen Andromeda so desperate. Taking Nymphadora by the collar, she kept begging her not to go to the war, to take care of Teddy and let the others fight. Her pleas were futile against a hufflepuff and a gryffindor, members of the Order. Fighting in the war was their duty, their way of building a brand new fairer world where Teddy would be raised. They wouldn't feel like good parents if they didn't fight for the world they wanted. Andromeda, being a slytherin, kept telling them that would matter not if they weren't there to raise their son up. Neither her daughter nor Remus changed their minds.

Angelica could only take her aunt's hand in support. Severus had not pronounced a word, but the lines of his face hardened. Draco could only hold his breath while he watched the couple kiss Teddy one more time before going to the Final Battle and leaving him with his grandmother, who was merely holding back her tears. Usually, when Teddy was in the house, the room filled up with joy. Now anxiety and fear travelled across the air they breathed, intoxicating them.

"The war's going to end tonight, isn't it?" asked Angelica.

"Most likely," said Severus, flatly. "I must go."

She sucked in a short intake of breath. She might be mad at him, but she didn't want him to die.

"What?! But the antidote isn't-"

"I. Must. Go," he cut her off, drawling each word and leaving no room for discussion. "If I don't, they will find me sooner or later, and they will kill us all, not only me. None of you deserve death."

"Why do you believe you will die tonight?" asked Draco, grey eyes wide in horror.

"The Dark Lord doesn't know you disarmed Dumbledore. I was the one to kill him. Consequently, he believes I am the owner of the Elder wand," he explained too calmly for Angelica's liking.

"The Elder wand?" inquired Andromeda. "That's a legend. It doesn't exist."

Draco narrowed his eyes. Obviously, he thought the same. Angelica was confused but wisely chose to listen first and ask questions later.

"It exists. It is in the Dark Lord's possession, but he doesn't control its power because Draco is the real owner, although he believes I am."

"So You-know-who will kill you to become the real owner," deduced Andromeda.

He nodded.

Draco choked. Severus had been a reliable figure throughout his life. He was his family, his Professor. His godfather couldn't die. He couldn't die in his place. He felt guilty enough he had been on the run since he had tried to save him.

"We must find a way to solve this."

Severus sighed.

"There is no other way, Draco. We have no time. I must play my role."

That phrase was a euphemism to refer to his death Angelica neither missed nor liked.

"But I am the owner!"

"And I would never forgive myself if the Dark Lord killed you, Draco. I risked my life for you. Don't let that be in vain." Severus forced himself to speak gently, although the stern tone was still evident when he added, "I must do this. If the Dark Lord wins, keep hiding. Don't look for your parents or it will be your doom."

Draco hunched his shoulders and gulped. Nothing he could say would persuade Severus. He didn't want him to die. He didn't want to die himself. A toddler without parents. That's how he felt in front of the war. Most likely like Teddy will feel in the future, he thought darkly. Whatever decision Draco made wouldn't guarantee his survival, not his, not Severus's. Yet, accepting death though wasn't something he planned on doing. Where was Severus's self-preservation slytherin trait when he needed it the most?

He stared at Severus, at that hooked nose that peeked over him to control his potion and give him some advice, at those eyes that had instilled fear in so many students except him, at those hands that had dragged him outside the window of his Manor and saved his life in the process. Gratitude wasn't something Draco felt much, let alone something he expressed out loud. It was so rare it made him feel uncomfortable despite being a positive emotion. Still, today he couldn't let Severus go without hearing his appreciation. What else could he do? The man was as stubborn as a mule, loyal to the point he was risking his life without making a fuss.

"Thank you for… for everything. You are a good godfather," he muttered, his voice thick.

Black eyes softened. He was about to retort it was his duty, but the boy looked up at him and hesitated for mere seconds before he made up his mind and extended his hand. Severus raised his eyebrows in surprise, his ability to speak lost. Did Draco really care for him? Would he be missed when he was gone? One look at those troubled grey eyes and Severus knew he would. Eventually, he shook his hand.

"Take care, Draco."

The boy pulled away and nodded, a bit red-cheeked for his display of affection. Andromeda put a hand on Draco's shoulder and exchanged looks with Severus, letting him know that she would take care of her nephew, no matter the relationship she had with her sister.

He locked eyes with Angelica, those hazel eyes with golden grains that had always fascinated him. He didn't know what to say. Technically, they still were mad at each other. But they still were friends too, weren't they? At least, he hoped so. He didn't want to die knowing he had one less friend. He didn't want to die without feeling her warmth again. His hand lifted and stopped midair. How would she react if he touched her? He doubted his heart could take it if she flinched away from him. Still, he had to try, so he finally cupped her chin with his slightly shaky hands.

Angelica made a half-choking half-sob sound.

"You're an idiot, Severus Snape! A fucking idiot! You're willingly walking to your death! You don't have to do this!"

If she continued to look at him with so much desperation and something else he didn't dare to name, he feared he would comply and end up regretting it like the time they made love.

"Angelica," he muttered in a warning tone.

"We'll go on the run again and spend the rest of our lives in the woods! I don't care! But don't do this! Don't you dare leave us all alone! You vowed you'd protect us! Dying isn't a good way to fulfill your promise!"

"I already told you my reasons. If I don't leave, they will find us all. You and your children have more chances to survive without me."

She could scream all she wanted. Her arguments weren't strong enough to convince him and squash his stupid logic. There was one argument that could make him stay though. She wasn't sure if she was ready or not to say it out loud. She wasn't even sure if he was ready or not to hear it. Yet, desperate times call for desperate measures, and the words had rolled off her tongue before she could stop them.

"You piss me off more often than not, but I love you, you bloody moron! Don't do this to me! I can't go through this again!"

She was breathing hard, and despite her tanned skin, her cheeks had turned rosier. She was a mess, on the verge of crying, but she didn't take her words back.

Far from being surprised, Andromeda looked at her pityingly. Draco wasn't astounded by the confession either. If there was someone who could persuade Severus, that was his cousin.

Black eyes widened when the four-lettered word, love, fell from her lips. He forgot how to breathe. His pale cheeks grew hot. She loved him? Him? Nothing in her body language told him she had lied, and she wasn't cruel. She wouldn't joke about something like that. Hard as it was to do so, incomprehensible as it seemed, he believed her. Everything he had ever craved was love. He had convinced himself he was unlovable and when somebody finally came to his life and somehow grew to love him, it was the worst timing ever. Life wasn't only unfair. Life was cruel and had a dark sense of humor.

Now he understood why she said she suffered even more when he rejected her. He had thought she didn't feel for him what he felt for her. He had truly believed that she would forget about him. But she loved him. Her feelings were strong. He had hurt her so much. He was going to hurt her more now. His eyes softened and he caressed her cheek.

Even his voice sounded sweeter when he murmured, "That's why I told you it was a mistake, Angelica. You never listen."

She knew what that mistake referred to: making love, acting on their hearts' impulses. She choked, angry tears coming to her eyes, yet her voice sounded fragile when she asked, "Do you regret it so much?"

Air caught in his throat.

"I regret how much this is hurting you, but I am an egoistic man, and there is a part of me that is glad that happened. It blessed me and cursed me at the same time."

Her lips quivered, about to sob or scream. He wiped away a tear that was coursing down her cheek with his thumb.

"Ezra and Samuel will make you happy. You will be fine."

That was what he told himself to pacify his mind.

It didn't pacify hers.

Severus was the only man she had ever felt safe with bar her father. Not even her sons' father had made her feel special. He had never made love to her; it had only been sex. They hadn't been together long enough to build so strong feelings. She had only been intimate with Severus once, but it had meant the world to her. That's just how smitten she was. After being attacked by Bellatrix, she doubted she would ever feel secure without him. She wanted to pull him into her, kiss him, hug him, make him stay, but wrath controlled her. It gathered in her hands, which moved and shoved him off her. An intense pain settled in his eyes at her rejection. If her rage hadn't been so powerful, she would have apologized.

He tried to reach for her again, to cup her chin and see those golden bits he had always been fond of one last time, but she turned her head as soon as his fingertips brushed her skin as if he had burned her. And he had. Like a moth going to the flame. He had finally burned her. The tug of war they had performed had taken its toll on them. His nightmare had come true.

Severus swallowed hard.

"I don't blame you for being angry. Remember that when I am gone. I wish you farewell, Angelica."

When she raised her misty eyes, Severus was nowhere to be seen. She released three tears: the first for her ire, the second for her helplessness, and the third for her hope. The antidote. Everything wasn't lost yet. She wouldn't let Severus go that easily.

"Aunt Andromeda, Draco… I know how to save him, but I need your help."