WARNING: This chapter contains scenes dealing sensitive issues that may cause distress. While I understand that every woman deals with these issues differently, I have tried to be sensitive and respectful with my story line. This chapter is partly based on my own experiences, so please do not flame if you don't agree with aspects of the chapter.

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it Out - Florence and the Machine

Chapter Fourteen – Everything's Going So Well

I felt the tears creep into my eyes – a stinging, but welcome, pain. I used it to steel myself. I straightened my back and kept my head up. My forceful, confident stride hid the tremble in my body at what I'd done.

Stupid, stupid Bella.

I saw Alice and Jasper still sitting at our table, and Angela was back with them. No matter how much of a front I put on, I wasn't ready to face them yet. A bass-thumping R&B song was playing, it's beat matching the self-loathing that was throbbing in my veins. So I joined the mass of people on the dance floor, losing myself in their heat and facelessness. It wasn't long before I felt strange arms around me, a hard body against me, moving to the beat. Someone who hadn't seen my face but wanted to feel me anyway. We danced, chest to back, hands roaming freely. A small part of me knew how inappropriate it was, but I just didn't care enough to stop it. I let myself go numb.

My descent into detachment was stalled by someone pulling me clean away from the crowd.

"What the fuck are you doing, Bella?" Edward yelled.

I glanced up. He was furious, and that made me happy.

"Hey, man, what's going on? I was just dancing with the lady," the nameless face complained.

"Get lost," he muttered without looking away from me.

I drunkenly smiled. "It's called dancing, Edward. You know, where two people move their feet from side to side."

"That wasn't dancing," he spat. "That was fornication in public. You were dancing like some kind of stripper. Do you even know who he is?"

I wanted to laugh at his use of such big words given the current situation, but my anger was too great. Fuck numbness. I was so confused by what the hell was going on that I went with the only emotion I could understand.

"What… you don't want me, but no one else can have me?" I threw off his grasp and took a step back.

"What... No, Bella. It's... Fuck!"

"No, we don't, Edward. We're doing this really screwed up dance around each other. We avoid the elephant in the room and pretend like there is nothing between us. But noooo; we do not fuck!" He started to sway a little in my vision... or was I the one swaying? Either way, I poked him in the chest to hammer home my very convincing point. "I am so sick of this." My hands are flailing, making the swaying worse. "So, you either shit or get off the fucking pot."

He moved away from where my hand was resting on his chest. He let out a large sigh, a look of pain on his face.

"I didn't think so." God, I'd really hoped he was going to shit. My heart ached. "Stay away, Edward. We are work colleagues, nothing more, nothing less. I can't be friends, or what every this is, with you; it's too hard."

"Bella—"

"Please, Edward, I can't do this anymore. So please just..." I pleaded.

"Fine, Bella, if that's what you want," he muttered, hanging his head and sounding resigned.

I watched as he turned and walked away, saying goodbye to our table of friends before he headed towards the exit. Alice looked over to me, by the bar, and gave me a pitying half smile.

Oh hell no, I didn't wanted anybody's pity.

"Can I get you anything, princess?" I had caught the attention of the barman. Nothing screamed 'I need alcohol' like eyes full of tears.

"Tequila, and keep them coming. They are on the Cullen tab."

I would take Alice's pitying looks if Edward Cullen's credit card was paying for them.

x-x-x-x

One tequila, two tequila...dum dee dum. Fuck, I couldn't finish the song; I had lost count of how many shots I'd had. What I did know was that tequila made me into a fucking amazing dancer. Secondly, the more I drank, the angrier I got.

How dare Edward think to tell me what I could and couldn't do. Who the fuck did he think he was? Who did he think he was to make me doubt myself? This shit storm between us was his doing. He was the one that walked away.

I felt strong arms wrap around my waist, pulling my moving body against a solid chest. When I looked up, I saw the man that Edward had dragged me away from. His five o'clock shadow and ice-blue eyes looked familiar, but given he only stayed in focus for a second, I couldn't quite put my finger where from. The beat pulsed through me, warming me like the tequila. The random behind me pulled me tighter, moving his body with me. It felt so good — that heavy feeling of another body against me. It'd been so long since a man had held me so close.

"God, you are so sexy."

His breath was rough and hot against my neck. He ground his hardness into my butt. I turned him on. It was huge power trip.

"You're not too bad yourself."

"Bella?"

I heard a small, familiar voice over JT's sexy tones.

"Alice! Come dance?"

"Bella, is this the wisest decision?"

Oh God, there it was again — that pitying look.

"I'm dancing, Alice, it's hardly the mistake of the century."

I saw her scoff and roll her eyes.

Whatever.

"Well, I'm heading back to Edward's apartment, and Angela is going home too. Are you coming?"

"Nope, I think I'm going to hang with..." What's his name?

"James."

"James, a little longer. It's my birthday, and we're having fun."

"Bella-"

"Fun, Alice. I'm having fun," I spat at her. "I don't have to be in work tomorrow, so I'm going to have fun, fun, fun."

I dragged blue eyes back out onto the dance floor, letting the false bravado from all the alcohol I'd consumed fuel my behaviour. James's grip, as he pulled me to him, was harsh. His touch was all possession, where Edward's was union and partnership. Even the way I fitted with this stranger's body was all different. We danced awkwardly together, finding different rhythms.

"Do you want to come back to my place?" he asked.

My head screamed at me that this was all wrong. I should've called time out on this fucked-up, confusing night and gone home – alone. Instead, my pride and shattered heart stuck two fingers up at my head and told me to just do it.

"Sure."

I hesitated at James' smug smile. Was I that much of a foregone conclusion? Alice's look of horror cemented my decision.

See, this is what your brother has the power to do to me. This is what I protected you from before.

I let James drag me from the club and into a waiting cab. I let him paw and claw at me in the back seat, not caring what the driver thought. I let him do whatever he wanted to me. Bruising kisses and punishing touches was the validation that at least someone wanted me tonight. He nipped at my neck, his stubble grating my skin.

"You're so fucking stunning," he groaned into my skin.

He was an articulate one, this guy. The cab ride was a short one, and we stopped in an area I wasn't familiar with. I hadn't been this careless with my own safety since I was a teenager. As I left the cab I wondered what the fuck I was doing going to some strange guys home on a Friday night. One night stands had never been my thing. I'd only had two in my entire sexual history. No matter how much I knew I'd regret this in the morning, I still followed James up the stairs to his apartment. It was too late to turn back now.

"Um… I wasn't expecting company, so it's a bit messy," he stammered as he opened the door.

I didn't care. I wasn't there to give his apartment the white glove treatment. I shrugged and followed him in. The apartment wasn't too bad. It was a typical man-pad. There were magazines all over the coffee table, interspersed with mugs of old coffee. He tried to pull me down a hallway, towards the bedroom I presumed. Instead, I pulled him over to the couch and pushed him down on to it. The idea of a bed was way too personal. I climbed on to him, clumsily straddling his thighs. Feeling his hard, covered cock against me made me freeze as I swallowed down the bile rising in my throat. He took this as an invitation to get handsy and rough. Demanding hands pulled and pushed my body as I sat there pliable to his movements. There was no sense of enjoyment in this for me, I knew there wouldn't be.

James grabbed my hips callously and pulled me down hard on him. "Yeah, baby. You feel what you do to me?"

The only thing I felt was sick. This was all wrong. I'd had rough sex before, but this wasn't rough; this was brutal. His voice was wrong. The feel of his hands as he moved up my sides, taking my shirt with him, was wrong. It was all wrong.

"No, no, no. This… I don't want this," I protested, trying to pull my top back down.

"Yeah, you do, baby, or you wouldn't be here," James pulled my top from my hands, so I could feel the material stretching.

I shook my head. "No!" I said firmly. I pushed away from him, catching myself as I fell backwards and staggered to my feet.

James got to his feet behind me as I searched around me for my purse. I needed to get the fuck out of here, pronto. Finally, I spied my purse on the floor and grabbed it, making a run for the front door.

"Hey now-" James grabbed my shirt and the material stretched further until I heard a tear.

Fear coursed through me as I berated my stupidity and sobered up quickly. What the hell had I been thinking? I did the only thing my alcohol-addled brain could come up with – I came out swinging. My hand met his face in a resounding slap. He let me go in shock and I didn't hesitate. Running blindly, my purse swinging from my wrist, I made for the door. Fumbling with the lock, I was free and racing down the stairs. Out on the street, the traffic was light and all the passing cabs were occupied. I continued to walk fast, away from James apartment. Up ahead, a cab stopped to let out its passengers, so I jumped in after them.

The cab moved off, and I sat back in the seat with a sigh, feeling tears well. The longed-for numbness of the alcohol was long gone, chased by the adrenaline from my near escape. I felt drained. Not only had I put myself in a situation where I could've been raped, I'd also alienated a friend who'd been missing from my life for seven years. Worst of all, I'd thrown myself at Edward and he didn't even want me. The reality of it was cold, harsh, and sobering.

After throwing a twenty-dollar bill at the driver, I made it back home. I couldn't even bring myself to look in the mirror as I took off my make-up. Instead, I scrubbed my face raw until my tears stung skin. I would face it all in the morning.

Wrapped in self-pity and destructiveness, I'd forgotten to close my bedroom drapes. The morning light drew me harshly from a fitful sleep. I woke only to wish I was dead. My head hurt like a bitch and something had died in my mouth overnight. As I pulled myself from my bed, every muscle complained. I ached from head to toe. The stark light in the bathroom explained why.

From my neck to my thighs, I was covered in huge bruises in varying degrees of color from yellow and green to black and blue. James really went to town on me. Today I was meant to go to a 'best buddies' massage thing with Alice. I couldn't sit in a room, partially naked, looking like this. The shame and regret I carried was bad enough, but if Alice knew, she might tell Edward. God, Alice. What I'd said to her last night was unforgiveable.

I sat down on the toilet and held my head in my hands. How had last night gone to shit so quickly? One minute I was actually considering that there could be a future between us, and the next, I was disrespecting my long-lost friend and going home with some random stranger.

Somewhere in my bedroom I could hear my phone ringing. I made my way gingerly towards it. The caller ID was showing a New York area code.

"Hello," I croaked.

"Bella, it's Jasper. I'm phoning for Alice. She's wonderin' if you still want to do this spa thing today."

My mortification was complete. Alice had to get her husband to phone me and play gatekeeper.

"Hi, Jasper. I'm okay, or I will be when I get some coffee. I'm so sorry about last-"

"Bella, last night doesn't matter. In fact, it's quite funny. I'm watching my darlin' wife, and I don't know who she is more mad at, you or Edward. She thinks you're both idiots. In fact, I haven't seen her stoFmp her foot this much since I suggested I wear my Stetson to the weddin'. So you doin' this spa thing or what?"

"How angry is she?" I whispered.

"Sweetie, she's not angry. She just doesn't like it when things don't go her way," he muttered cryptically. "So will you please take my wife off my hands before I wring her pretty little neck?"

I laughed then grimaced as my brain rattled in my skull. "Sure. Just let me, um, pull myself together and I'll be over in an hour to pick up your hyper sprite."

"Okay, we'll be seeing ya, darlin'."

I hung up with a small smile on my face. Jasper had the ability to make you happier just by chatting to you. Knowing Alice wasn't angry at me filled me with a bit more confidence as I climbed in the shower. I scoured my body with a scrub until it was red. Still, I couldn't remove the thought of last night from my mind.

Usually, I was a tinted moisturizer and a swipe of lip gloss kind of girl. Today, I was piling on the make-up as if I was going on the stage. The foundation covered the worst of the stubble-rash on my neck while a long-sleeved top and pants covered the rest. I'd worry about getting undressed later.

x-x-x-x

"Hey, Bella," Alice was tentative as she got in my car. I'd phoned and asked her to come down as I wasn't ready to face Edward yet. That would come on Monday morning.

"Look-"

"Bella, I-"

We both said at the same time. I held my hand up as she started to speak again.

"Alice, I am so sorry about last night. I don't know what to say. It's no excuse, but I was drunk and being an ass."

"It's fine. I'm just glad you're okay. What time did you leave?"

"I got home around two. Did you guys have a good time?"

"It was your birthday; shouldn't I be asking you that?"

I grimaced. How to get out of this one. "Dinner was great. It was perfect. Eclipse, not so much. But, thank you for keeping it low-key. Edward said you wanted to go all out, but it's just not my style, Alice."

Alice turned in her seat to look at me but was uncharacteristically quiet. Her stare started to unnerve me. Could she see below my make-up? "What?"

"I just still can't believe I'm sitting here beside you. Mom and Dad used to tell me they'd seen you in Forks, visiting Charlie. I'd visit, hoping to see you, but I never did."

I reached over the center console and took her hand. I didn't need to tell her. Alice already knew how much I'd missed her, how much I regretted losing touch.

We pulled into the spa, and I handed the keys over to the valet. Alice had booked us in for a 'relaxation' package including a special pregnancy safe massage for herself. After filling in a form that asked more questions than my medical insurance, we were led through to change into robes. Thankfully, we were each given our own changing room, because my bruises were even more pronounced than this morning. Most of them had deepened to a near-black color. The clearly defined outline of fingers and fingertips could be seen especially around my hips and forearms. Humiliation filled me. It was a stupid, stupid mistake, and I had no one to blame but myself. I just couldn't let Alice see them.

"Hey, Bella, you gonna stay in there all day?"

Alice, as impatient as ever.

"No, I'm coming out."

Alice might've been drowning in her robe, but I couldn't help but hum at how soft the cotton was against my aching skin.

"So first up is the relaxation room. It's so cool. The New York spa has one too. It plays a relaxing soundtrack, complete with smells. You just lie back on one of the beds and listen."

She opened the door to a glass walled room but as soon as we closed the door the windows frosted over and the lights dimmed. There were two platform beds in the middle of the room, and, given my hangover, they were looking pretty comfortable.

As I lay down, the sound of running water filled the room. Wind whistled through trees, stirring the branches. I could hear birds singing all round me, and the smell of damp earth and flowers filled the room. Closing my eyes, I lay back. If I let my mind drift, I could've been back in the meadow in Forks — the meadow where Edward and I'd spent many-a-trip back to Forks. The wind reminded me of the times I would lie on the blanket next to Edward, looking up at those swaying branches and think about my future, my plans as Edward would call them.

"So we're in here for a while, just chilling, listening to nature. I thought you might like this one. Then we have a massage together. They have this table with a hole for my bump so Lentil doesn't get squashed. Then, we've got manis and pedis. I'm thinking hot pink for my toes."

"Yeah," I muttered flatly.

"Jeeze, Bella, would it kill you to smile a little? You're just like Edward was this morning." I perked up at his name. "Did you guys have a fight or something?"

"Or something." An overwhelming feeling of shame washed over me again.

"What? You two were getting on so well. Don't think I didn't see you two playing footsy under the table at the restaurant during dinner. I swear, Bella, it was like you and Edward were still the same couple you were in college. It's still there."

I couldn't help the whimper that escaped me. How wrong Alice was. "Alice, it was just a bit of fun. Some harmless flirting."

"Hardly! There was nothing harmless about last night. I don't know what happened, but Edward's been walking around like a bear with a sore head all morning. He won't tell me what he did but he kept castigating himself. Jackass and fucknut appeared to be his favorites," Alice chuckled, but her face softened at my distressed expression. Edward was angry at himself too? Was our kiss truly that awful?

"What happened? My brother went from the happiest I'd seen him since, well, you, to nearly tearing his hair out."

Tearing his hair out? I expected him to be embarrassed at having his ex-girlfriend throw herself at him. Tearing his hair out was a little extreme.

"I kissed him. At the night club, I threw myself at him, but he didn't want to… you know." I hung my head, too embarrassed to meet her gaze.

"What?!" she yelled out, shattering the peaceful atmosphere of the room. "He didn't want to? No, there has to be some mistake."

I sniggered sarcastically. "No mistake, trust me. His pushing me away was a pretty clear signal. He doesn't want me, not anymore."

"You're kidding, right? My brother is so in love with you, I'm surprised you can't see Cupid plaguing his every step." I stared at her, eyes wide in surprise. She rolled her eyes and let out a little 'pfft'. "You and Edward are insufferable monkey butts."

"Alice, believe me, there is no way Edward could still love me. Not after what I did. It was all my fault."

Over the sound of the room, I could hear Alice sit up. Obviously she wasn't giving up on this ridiculous line of inquiry. Still, I didn't open my eyes. I couldn't bear to look at her questioning face.

"It's none of my business, and you don't have to answer, but what happened? Why did you and Edward break up?"

My whole body clenched. Even though Edward and I had talked about it in Vail, the memories of finding out I was pregnant lead to memories that only Edward and I shared. Memories that nearly killed me every time I let them out. Could I take the risk? Would Alice hate me for what'd happened? I couldn't lose Alice so soon after I'd gotten her back. Not with Edward leaving soon too.

She used to be as close as a sister. She would understand, right? I glanced at her stomach, more pronounced in her seated position. I looked up and caught her gaze. Detaching myself, I took a deep breath.

"I was pregnant."

At her gasp, I looked away. Tears built between my eyes as my attempt to erect protective walls around myself failed. The bed dipped when Alice sat beside me.

"Oh, Bella." She reached up and wiped away a silent tear as it ran down my face. "When was this?"

The tears wouldn't stop. I wiped them away with a corner of my robe until it was soaking, and instead let them flow down my cheeks unhindered. I caught my breath as Alice put her hand in mine, reassuring me she was still here, no matter what.

"It was in our final year. Edward was finishing his Masters and I was writing the final draft of my thesis. We were going through a bit of a rocky patch with the stress of exams and wondering what we were doing when we graduated."

"Why didn't either of you tell me!"

"We never told anyone, not even your parents. By the time we got our heads around it all, it was over anyway."

I stared aimlessly at my cup of decaffeinated ginger tea. Coffee was in the 'moderation only' section of the list of foods and drink I was to avoid. The OBGYN had given me the list and a few other leaflets about pregnancy and my options when I visited the week before. That was after she'd put a dildo-looking instrument up my hooha and declared me about seven weeks pregnant. Once again, I went alone. I'd seen Edward less and less in the two weeks since we'd confirmed I was pregnant. He hadn't even come home the night before. We'd argued a couple of nights before when I tried to force him to sit down and talk about this. We needed to figure out what we were going to do. Edward was still banging on about how it would ruin our lives, and eventually he snapped.

"Why don't you just get rid of it?"

I turned around and slapped him before storming into our bedroom. A short while later the front door slammed as he left me yet again. He'd come back sometime in the night with my favorite cannoli from the Italian bakery down the street as an attempt at sorry, but he never did say the words.

I looked down at the weak brown tea and sighed. The vain hope was that the ginger tea might help with the morning sickness. I'd been throwing up at all hours for the last three days. The information the doctor gave me said that ginger might help. My stomach ached with the hunger of having not kept anything down for twenty-four hours. I got up and tossed the tea in the bin and made my way towards the coffee cart for a second visit. The list had said 'in moderation' after all, and half strength coffee didn't really count.

As I let my coffee cool, my hand unconsciously went to my stomach. I wished to my bones that I was more excited about this. Now everywhere I went, all I saw were pregnant women. Happy, pregnant women. My mind was too preoccupied with the repercussions of what the baby would mean to actually think about being happy. Edward wasn't helping. He refused to talk about it, claiming thesis meetings or that he just wasn't ready. I had no one to talk to, and I was scared out of my mind at the thought of the life growing in me.

The coffee managed to stay down all of ten minutes before I was running towards the nearest bathroom, hand over my mouth, praying I wouldn't vomit on someone shoes. My stomach heaved and clenched as the coffee and what little of the ginger tea I'd managed to drink came back up. As I cleaned myself up, I became aware of wetness between my legs.

Great, I vomited hard enough to pee myself. Pregnancy sucked.

I pulled down my pants and underwear and stared at what I found. Blood! I was bleeding. For a few seconds, I stood there confused and saw a little ray of hope. I couldn't get my period if I was pregnant, right? So, I couldn't be pregnant. But, I'd seen the baby on the screen. I'd seen the little ball of cells that looked like a cashew nut.

My legs went week and I fell back onto the toilet.

"No!" I whispered to myself.

I frantically pulled my clothing back into place and shot out of the bathroom. The campus clinic was only five minutes away, but it felt like five miles. I tried to call Edward but he was in class and didn't answer. My phone slipped in my sweaty palms as my heart raced. This couldn't be happening, not now, not like this.

"I need to see a doctor," I pleaded with the receptionist. She didn't even look up.

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No, but it's an emergency."

Finally, she looked up, a bored expression on her face. "What kind of emergency?"

I glanced nervously around waiting room. There were a few people flicking through magazines, but no one seemed to be paying attention.

"I'm… I'm pregnant and I'm bleeding."

The receptionists head flew up, her features worried before she schooled them back into a passive mask.

"Right, just wait here a moment, and I'll get you in to see someone."

I sat in one of the waiting room chairs and tried to call Edward again. Even though we weren't really talking, he was my everything. The one I turned to when everything fell apart, and right now, it was falling apart more than it ever had before. The phone rang out. It was four in the afternoon, and he would be in a two-hour tutorial.

"Isabella Swan?" the doctor called.

I walked into the office like a prisoner would to the gallows. The doctor flicked through my file as I sat on the examination table.

"The receptionist said that you've got some bleeding?" I nodded. "Breakthrough bleeding is common in the first month or two. Usually it's just spotting or a smear in your underwear."

"This is more, this is like a period."

"And you've just noticed it? Any cramps or sore stomach?"

"I've had cramps, but not as bad as the ones during my period. I thought it was hunger, because I keep throwing up everything I eat. What's going on?" I was frantic. The look on the doctor's face more than worried me.

She took my hand. "I'm so sorry, Bella, I think you're losing your baby. It sounds like you're having a miscarriage."

The world started to spin. It sounded like wind rushing past my ears. The doctor was still talking but I couldn't hear her. I was losing my baby. My hands flew to my stomach, clutching it as if I could stop it happening, but there was nothing there. There was no bump, no signs of what grew in me, but still I knew the doctor was right.

"Bella, did you hear me?" She asked, nudging me softly to get my attention.

I snapped. "What? No, sorry."

"I said, we aren't equipped here to check on what's going on, so you need to go to the hospital. Is there someone we can call to come be with you?"

I thought of the phone in my jacket pocket. I would wait until Edward was out of class. "Um, no it's okay. I'll call him."

She gave me the address of the nearest hospital, not realizing that my three-and-a-half years in Seattle plus my clumsiness made me well versed in the location of hospitals.

I left the clinic with a thick pad in my underwear, an unwelcome reminder of what was happening. I walked numbly to the nearest main street. All I could think of was the Doppler scan picture the OBGYN had given me. Our baby was alive; you could see the simulated coloring of its heartbeat.

I hailed a cab and took it to the nearest ER. After an hour of sitting on a hard, plastic chair, someone called my name. It was an intern who didn't look any older than me. Did they have to send a guy? He led me to a cubicle and pulled the curtain around us. I could hear a man in the next cubicle moaning in pain and the comings and goings of the EMT's as they brought in patients. I didn't want to be there.

"So what's the problem, Ms. Swan?"

I sighed. I'd already explained this to the admittance nurse. "My doctor sent me here because she thinks I'm having a miscarriage." His face paled. He'd obviously only read the top of my sheet; my name. "Is there any way I could get a female doctor?"

He looked happier. I was guessing he hadn't done his OBGYN rotation yet, never mind had to give a pelvic exam.

"Yes! I mean, sure. You may have to wait a while."

I waved him away. The noise was too much for me, so I put in some earphones and let James Morrison block out the noise. I reached for my phone several times but it was only five-thirty, and Edward would still be in class. I sat my hand over my stomach. This was all my fault. I hadn't wanted this baby enough. We'd been too caught up in the implications that we never stopped to want it. At last another intern came through the curtain, trailing a machine behind her. I recognized it from my OBGYNs office.

"My name is Doctor Biers, but call me Laura. My colleague tells me you're experiencing a miscarriage."

God, that M-word again.

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. The edge between me keeping it together and completely losing it was razor-thin.

"We're going to check. Do you know what this is?"

"It's a…" my voice cracked so I tried again. "It's a Doppler machine. My OBGYN used one to date my pregnancy.

"And you're-" she flicked through file, "-around eight weeks."

I nodded again staring at the machine.

"We'll take a look and see what is going on. I'll pop out, and I need you to get undressed from the waist down. Give me shout when you're ready."

"Um, what about… what about the blood? I'm bleeding." Bile rose in my throat at the thought. Our baby was literally bleeding out of me.

"It's okay, the exam table is covered."

She turned sharply and pulled the curtain when she left. I waivered for a second. Everything was so stark, so cold. Slowly I toed off my shoes, my feet curling against the chilly floor. I stared at the Styrofoam-tiled ceiling as I removed my pants and underwear, folding each item like it was clean laundry. The paper on the exam table crinkled as I lay down, still staring at those tiles.

"Um, I'm ready."

A couple of seconds later, the intern came back in. I couldn't watch as the doctor readied the machine, only obeying her instructions when she asked me to put my feet on the table. The wand was cold and uncomfortable. I squirmed trying to ease the pain but nothing worked.

"I'm sorry, I know it's not pleasant."

I turned my head away. I could feel the tears tracking down my cheeks. I couldn't believe I was here. The last two weeks had been unlike anything I'd ever been through. I'd never imagined being pregnant this young. Sure, I'd thought about kids and marriage with Edward, but in my plan I was much older. Edward and I were barely speaking. He was my boyfriend, soul mate and best friend rolled into one person. Without him, there was no one in my life I could talk to about what was going on. My other college friends were around but I wasn't comfortable sharing the serious things with them.

I couldn't take the silence. All I could hear was the doctor tapping away on the Doppler's controls.

"Could you turn on the sound, Laura? Just so I could hear the heartbeat," I whispered.

I turned to the screen. There were no synthetic colors on the screen showing a beating heart. There was no life there anymore. I laid my hands on my stomach even though I knew there was nothing there. I winced as she withdrew the wand and the picture disappeared and with it my hope.

"The on-call OBGYN will be down to chat to you." I let out a loud sob. "Is there someone I can call while you wait for the consult?"

I thought of Edward. This was my punishment for not wanting this more. I was being punished and Edward would never forgive me. He may have not wanted the baby, but now he would never get the choice. I shook my head.

"Why don't you get dressed, and I'll show the ultrasound to the OBGYN."

I pulled my clothes back on, eyes closed, and sat on the seat in the cubicle. Dr. Biers had cleared away the paper covering the examination bed. My phone vibrated from somewhere in my backpack. Pulling it out, Edward's name flashed across the scene. I pressed 'ignore'. How could I talk to him now? Before I wanted him there to hold my hand, but now I was glad he hadn't picked up the phone. So I couldn't see the blame in his eyes. I turned the phone off and put it back in my bag.

"Miss Swan?"

I looked up to find an older looking woman dressed in scrubs and a white coat. "Are you here alone?" I nodded. "I'm Christina, I'm the on-call OBGYN. Dr. Biers showed me the ultrasound footage. I'm sorry, hun, there is no heartbeat. The baby's died and the bleeding is a miscarriage. Have you been through one before?

I sobbed silently. "I've… It is, was, my first-" I choked on the word, "-baby."

"Okay. Every woman is different, but the bleeding shouldn't go on for more than a week. You'll have stomach cramps for a few days, so maybe use an ice pack and some painkillers. You shouldn't need a D you're not far enough long to need one."

Was that my saving grace? I lose our baby, but didn't have to go through the trauma of a D&C?

"What happened? Why did I…?" I couldn't finish and winced as I felt another cramp.

Her face softened, and she looked up from making notes on my chart. "It could be anything. Sometimes the body detects a defect in the DNA, or it could be that your body wasn't ready for a baby yet. Sometimes the body just rejects a pregnancy without reason. We don't know the reasons except that it just happens."

God, what had I done? It was my fault. It was my body that rejected it or wasn't ready for it. Me, me, me!

"Can I call someone to come pick you up, Miss Swan? You shouldn't be alone right now." The now-kinder nurse put her hand on mine. "Will you be okay?"

No!

"Yes, I'll be fine, but, no, I don't want anyone to pick me up. My boyfriend is still in class."

"If you're sure. Just check in with your OBGYN in a week or so to make sure the miscarriage went as it should. If the bleeding gets heavier or you don't stop after a week, come straight back in."

I nodded and picked up my bag. Slowly, I trudged out of the ER and into the reception. I'd never felt so heavy in all my life.

"Isabella. Isabella," a voice called out behind me. "Isabella, wait." I turned out to find Dr. Biers jogging towards me. "Here's my number, you know, just in case you need someone to talk to."

I tried to smile but couldn't. Taking the number from her, I muttered a 'thanks', but we both knew I wouldn't call.

I took a cab back to the apartment, even though my truck was still at college. I could hear music playing through the apartment door. My heart sank. I was counting on Edward still acting like a dick by staying out. I wanted to get a shower before he got home. Instead, I could hear him butchering the lyrics to 'Losing My Religion'. The feeling of guilt ripped through me as I swallowed a sob. I opened the door but there was no sign of Edward.

"Bella?" he yelled out on hearing the door close.

He appeared in the living room, a worried look on his face and wearing pink rubber gloves covered in soap suds. Edward doing the dishes. I looked around. The living room had been straightened out. My abandoned breakfast was gone and it looked like he'd vacuumed.

"Bella, where have you been? I've been calling you for hours."

"I, um, I've been…" I stuttered and choked. Tears stung my eyes and my throat burned at trying to keep them down. God, I was falling apart. I also couldn't have a serious conversation with him while he was wearing pink gloves. "Why are you home?"

He hung his head, stripping of the soapy gloves. "I came home to say I'm sorry." He sat on the sofa in front of me, running his hands through his hair. "I've been an asshole recently. I should've been here, with you. Instead, I've been hiding. I was so freaked out thinking about what the fuck this meant for me, I didn't stop to think about us, about you.'

"Edward, I-"

"No, hold on. I want to show you something." He rummaged around in a bag behind the couch. "What do you think?"

Horror filled me at what he held up. In his hands was a onsie with 'Number One Dad' written across it. I felt bile rise in my throat as the tears I'd tried desperately to hold on to fell.

"Oh God, I fucked it up, didn't I? Bella, please don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm so sorry." He stood up and pulled me to him, hugging me tight. Sobs shook my body until was literally shaking in his arms. "Bella, what's wrong? What's going on?"

I struggled to pull myself together. The pain was crushing. "I've been at the hospital."

Edward thrust me away from him, frantically checking me from head to toe. "Are you hurt? What happened? Did you have an accident or something?"

"I've had a –" My voice cracked. "I lost it, Edward. The baby, it died, in me. It's gone."

I sunk to the floor as my knees gave way. I was exhausted, sore and so fucking beyond hurt that I just couldn't hold myself up anymore.

"Gone?" he whispered. "Oh, Bella."

Alice was wrapped around me as tight as could be. Her face buried in the crook of my next. I felt the dampness of her tears through my robe as she tried not to sniffle too loudly. Her grip tightened as I took a deep breath, trying to calm my own emotions.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Alice whispered.

"I can't speak for Edward, but I just couldn't. I couldn't talk about it, so I didn't. It was too raw at the time, it's still too raw. But Edward coming back to Seattle forced me to actually think about it."

"But, neither of you ever told my mom and dad. Edward acted like a schmuck. Dad would have hung him up for the way he acted."

"Exactly!" I cried out. "Your parents and my dad would've gotten involved. We'd have had to relive it time and time again as we explained what happened. I couldn't face it. While Edward didn't want it at first, he came around, he wanted to be a dad. I was the one who took it away from him. Me and my traitorous body." I heaved as I tried to tell Alice. My heart ached – physically ached.

"Bella, you have to realize, it wasn't your fault. You weren't to blame. If you'd have told us, we could have helped," she patted my back, rubbing soothing circles over my robe.

"I did, eventually. I told Charlie about three years later that it happened, after he saw me freak out at a baby shower in Forks. He badgered me until I told him what went down in Seattle. I've never seen Charlie so… emotional. My dad wanted to hunt Edward down the next time he came to Forks, but I managed to talk him down. Charlie lost me for four years when I was little, so he understands what it's like in a way. He understood the grief more than most."

"I would've listened if you'd told me." I shrugged off her hand.

"God, Alice, our world didn't revolve around you guys. Where did this need for me and Edward to tell our families come from? It was our loss, not the family's. It wasn't as if some great aunt we all grew up with passed away. It was a baby, barely anything but a ball of cells. But it was our baby. Mine and Edwards, and we chose not to tell anyone else." I tried to dial my voice down. I'd grown up an only child to a single parent and I barely saw my dad until I was sixteen. I was used to dealing with things myself. The Cullens were different. They were all 'deal with it as a family'. I didn't air my problems when I knew that there was nothing other people could do to solve them.

"I was one of your best friends, Bella, you should have told me."

I sighed. It was going in one ear and out the other. "It wasn't about you." She drew back looking affronted. "It wasn't personal. I didn't tell anyone, and neither did Edward from the looks of it. Plus, if I'd of told you, you would have blamed me or blamed Edward, or even both of us for being so stupid for getting pregnant so young. You would've had to have picked sides, supported one of us against the other. I didn't want that. It wouldn't have been fair."

"We'd never have done that."

"I couldn't take the risk, Alice. Your family meant more to me than anything. It was bad enough I broke Edwards heart, I couldn't stand if it I hurt anyone else."

"Bella, are you ever going to stop blaming yourself?" She replaced her hand on my back, this time I didn't shrug her off. "Did you ever see someone about it? Like a therapist?"

"I didn't want to talk to anyone. Fuck, Alice, I couldn't even speak to my own family, how could I talk to a stranger?" I shrunk at the thought of having to talk through what happened.

"Then talk to Edward. I know it may seem like he's okay, but he's still hurting over losing you and the baby. He's just better at hiding it. Mom worried about him a lot after you were gone. Dad only paid for his Europe trip on the condition he would phone home every week. They backed off when he came to live with me in London. They thought he was getting over your break-up when he decided to stay and got the job at MacKenzie Brown. It's not my story to tell but, please, speak to Edward. You guys need to sit down and actually talk," she pleaded.

"It's too late, Alice. Far too late," I turned away as the tears started to fall again.

She cupped my cheek in her hand and turned my face back to hers. "If it was too late, Edward wouldn't be prowling around his apartment this morning like a man possessed. Whatever happened last night tipped him over the edge. Even he's given up trying to convince himself he's over you."

I giggled at her absurdity. "While I'll concede that there might be something between us now. Might!" I emphasized as her face lit up with a smile. "He doesn't love me, not anymore."

Alice let go of me and clapped her hands like an excited school girl. "Oh, Bella, you'll see. Just promise me, you'll be open. No more of this closed off, walls up, Bella. And talk to my brother, get the other side of the story. Promise me."

I couldn't help but smile. She was fighting so hard in a battle that wasn't her own. "I promise, Alice. Now how about those massages?" I asked, wiping away my tears.

"Sure. And after, do you want to go shopping?" I groaned. "No, I mean like to some bookshops or those reclaimed junkshop places Edward said you liked to go?" Her eyes shifted left to right and she wouldn't meet my gaze.

"You hate those kind of shops, Alice. Why would you volunteer to go shopping there?"

"Well, um, you know. It's your birthday weekend, and we should do something you would enjoy."

"You're a terrible fibber. What's really going on?"

"What, I want to spend a bit of one-on-one time with you."

"Alice?" I playfully growled.

She huffed at being caught out. "Fine! You know the comedy night we're going to on Wednesday night, for your actual birthday?" I nodded. "Well, mom and dad are coming too. Dad has a conference in Seattle, and I'm here until Thursday afternoon, so they thought they would kill two birds with one stone and come down. They're looking forward to seeing you too."

"Alice!" I groaned. "When were you going to tell me?"

"I don't know. On Wednesday night?"

Great! Edward probably didn't even want to go anymore after my embarrassing display, and now the entire Cullen Clan would be there to witness the tension and awkward moments.

Best birthday ever!

Right, now before you all reach for the review button to have a go at me...don't. Those without sin, cast the first stone! Who hasn't made a drunken mistake and threw themselves at a guy (Edward in the previous chapter), or been a little self-destructive when with Jose? Or sometimes both? Bella is hurt, she's confused and she's so far out of her depth, she's fucking it up left right and centre. So before you review, put yourself in Bella's shoes...oh and sign in, so if you do have a go at me, at least i have a chance to explain myself instead of me just deleting your one-sided review! Ta muchy!

Now, thanks to the 'gals' - Malloryknoxx, JMolly, oneofeddiesgirls, and my beta Kibby.

Merry Christmas guys and I'll see you on the flip-side a.k.a 2013!