Chapter 14
"I´m going back to stay in my granny´s house," Lexie burst out at the dinner table Thursday night.
Levon and Joe looked at her in surprise.
"There´s no need, you can stay here as long as you like…" Levon put down the fork and knife and gave Joe a sidelong look. The Italian´s jaw had dropped open. After an instant he closed his mouth again, obviously unwilling to comment on Lexie´s announcement, but the tight set of his jaw radiated nervous tension and disapproval.
"Look," Lexie´s gaze went from one man to the other. "It was really very kind of you to have me here." She wiped her mouth with the napkin. "But I know I have to face it, I have to go back to that house and face my fear. And it isn´t even a realistic fear, now that Jake is dead."
Levon nodded. Her reactions were very comprehensible, both, the rejection to stay in that house on her own, as well as her wish to go back there now. "Well, it´s not like you were a burden, not with all the doctoring you did and all. I think I´m not the only one here who appreciated having you around." He laughed and looked at Joe for approval.
Joe met neither his nor Lexie´s eyes. Instead he continued pushing the vegetables around his plate.
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Friday came and at last Levon returned home with the newspaper page and Carol´s research results. When he entered the house he almost fell over Lexie´s travel bag. So she had already packed. He felt a pang of sadness to see her go and at the same time he wondered whether Joe´s ostentatious indifference was perhaps just a symptom of that same notion.
Levon found his partner on the porch swing, gloomily staring into the sunset. Levon sat down, retrieved the newspaper page from his jacket pocket and handed it to Joe.
The Chicagoan didn´t look up. "What did Carol find out?" he asked without much enthusiasm.
"Well, she asked if you were leading her on," Levon replied with a grin.
Joe´s head came up defiantly. "How´s that?"
"She said there wasn´t anything to find out about those books."
Joe frowned. "Nothing at all?"
"Yeah, nothing at all, none of these books exist. The only thing she found out refers to that castle…that…" Levon looked at the ad. "Castill…"
"Castillion Balzetti, what did she find out?" All of a sudden Joe became uncharacteristically agitated.
"Yeah well, that castle, it really exists and it is also known by a different, a rather funny name… now where did I put that piece of paper she gave me…"
Joe was tempted to grab Levon by his collar to shake the information out of him, only an enormous amount of self-control held him back.
"Ah, here we are: it´s also called the castle Dio Sol Sa, whatever that means."
Joe could hardly breathe, all that penned up tension was suddenly seeking an outlet. "She…she…" he stammered, "…she is still…" he was breathing frantically now and Levon briefly feared his partner was having a panic attack "…she´s alive, oh God, she´s alive…Jules is alive…" Then Joe was overcome with raw emotions and he started to sob, the newspaper clutched tightly in his shaking hand.
Levon got up and quietly left for the barn. He knew that Joe needed some privacy.
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"Please don´t leave tonight."
Lexie looked up in surprise, taking in Joe´s red-rimmed eyes and slightly blotchy face. She had at once discerned the heartfelt plea behind his appeal. Not knowing what had happened on the porch she hesitated before carefully choosing her words. "Would tomorrow be any different from tonight?" She calmly continued to set the kitchen table for what she had planned to be their last collective meal.
"Yes, it would. I need to talk to you about something that´s really very important," Joe explained earnestly.
Lexie thought back to the first days when Joe had stayed with her, seeing before her mental eye his refusal to open up, his rejection of any support and help, his desire to leave as soon as possible.
Now all that seemed forgotten. She could hardly believe he was openly admitting to a weakness and asking her to stay and discuss something that seemed to be of the utmost importance to him. What had happened that had upset him so much? But whatever it was, who was she to reject him, to withhold her professional and perhaps also personal advice from him?
"Ok, but we should have dinner first, it´s about ready to be served."
Joe shook his head. "Oh, I´m not really hungry, I think I might skip dinner," He made an attempt at hiding the inner turmoil that had so thoroughly liquidated his appetite.
Lexie eyed him suspiciously, clearly reading him. "Ok, I´ll put everything into the oven to keep it warm." She started to transfer the dishes and bowls into the warm oven. "Is Levon still taking care of Fooler?"
Joe nodded and got hold of her hand, pulling her towards the backdoor. "Come on out, we could sit on the porch, then we´ll see when he comes in."
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Joe had read the ad over and over again. Thanks to Carol´s research he now knew this was the long desired coded message from Julia. She had used the secret and magic motto of their childhood, the name of that tiny hidden castle deep in the woods of Tuscany from the story Joe´s granny had always told them: Dio Sol Sa, only God knows. It was the name of their dream location where they would happily live ever after, like in a fairy tale. But life wasn´t a fairy tale and there hadn´t been a future for them as lovers, not in an Italian mob community, and certainly not on the opposite side of the law. Their love story had been just as impossible as that of Romeo and Julia, though luckily not as deadly so far.
Lexie let all that information sink in. She felt Joe´s emotions boil close to the surface and understood his agitation, as he explained it all over again. His relief was quite obvious, yet he didn´t seem as overjoyed as one might have expected.
"I am so glad for you," she said with a smile. "I could have left and never might have learnt that Julia is still alive. Thanks for telling me."
"I would have phoned you to let you know," Joe assured her. "But that´s not what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Ok, what else could there be?" Lexie feigned ignorance.
"There is more to that message…" he looked at the ad again, "there are two more books she refers to, and I know they are no real books. So she wants to tell me something with it…"
Lexie read the ad again, already having a pretty clear understanding of Julia´s message.
"WANTED - Books, regardless of edition or condition, will pay generously: The Castillion Balzetti – An Archeological Guide to the Ancient Tuscan Monument; The Lost Jewel – A Psychological View on the Loss of Innocence from Childhood through Adolescence to Adulthood; And Forgive Us Our Depts – The Concept of Guilt and Absolution in the Catholic Religion; Chiffre GA581009G"
But she couldn´t just relay its meaning directly to Joe, he had to figure this out himself. "Joe, you need to find that out for yourself, you are the person who knows Julia best." Lexie felt like she was talking to a school kid who wasn´t able to work out an arithmetic problem without the help of his teacher.
"I thought you wanted to help me," Joe said, disappointed.
"I do, but I can´t see inside your heart," she said in an encouraging tone. "Come on, give it a try." She felt a bit odd because strictly speaking she had looked deeply inside his heart and his spirit. Joe just wasn´t aware of it.
He hesitated, then drew a deep breath as if gathering strength. "I know this is like a picture. The jewel is a symbol for what we had together, and I know we lost it, our love and our future together." Naming it so directly hurt like hell, he couldn´t go on speaking and fell silent for an instant. "We lost our innocence, she is right," he added in a whisper.
Lexie said nothing, she knew he could do it alone, and he needed to face the truth behind Julia´s message in order to go on with his life. He had been stuck in that limbo of uncertainty and depression far too long.
"I guess she doesn´t just mean the sexual connotation of the term Loss of Innocence." He blushed as he gave her a boyish grin. "We were foolish to think we would be together all our lives and live happily ever after. I guess we finally grew up." He swallowed hard and looked away in an attempt to hide it.
"Most people have to abandon their childhood dreams in the end, that´s what growing up is all about," Lexie tried not to sound like a shrink but she knew her words sounded hollow.
"Yeah, thanks for your help…" he was about to get up, but she pulled him back down onto the swing.
"We´re not through yet, what about the rest?"
"You mean the part with the Guilt and Absolution? Well that´s pretty clear," he said, slightly frustrated by the possible implication.
"Huh-huh, is it now?" Her mock disbelief made him furrow his brow.
"Yeah, she wants me to know that she has forgiven me. I jilted her and she´s no longer holding that against me," he stated quite matter-of-factly.
"That´s only one possible meaning," Lexie felt like she was pulling theeth.
Joe looked annoyed. "Ok, she got back at me, perhaps I need to forgive her as well." He made a dismissive gesture.
"And…?"
"Now, listen, I know I´m not as smart as you…"
Lexie laughed out loud at his remark before getting serious again. "What about the guilt and the absolution?"
He looked surprised. "Well, I guess now I know she is alive and well, I can stop feeling guilty." The guilt had weighed him down for months and it had almost made him kill himself. But strangely the notion still lingered like a bitter taste in his mouth.
Lexie let him hang onto his thoughts for a while. She knew Joe was still missing a crucial part of Julia´s message. When he failed to resume the thread of their conversation she gave him one last clue.
"Both, you and Julia, are guilty of hurting the other. But both of you do not only need to forgive each other. Most of all you need to forgive yourselves. Joe, you need to forgive yourself."
Joe had never seen it this way. But hearing the words he suddenly realized how right she was. He looked up and as his gaze travelled into the far distance, his eyes filled with tears. But much to his surprise his heart suddenly felt lighter than it had in a very long time.
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"Could you lend me some money," Joe asked casually, putting his suitcase down by the front door. "I´d like to call a cab to get home."
Levon sighed inwardly. After Lexie had left and with the prospect of getting back to work on Monday, Joe couldn´t be persuaded to stay for the rest of the week-end. "Why, no point in spending money on something I´d gladly do."
"I know you would. But I want to stop over on the way and I don´t want you to waste your time waiting while I take care of some …business."
Levon cringed. The picture immediately coming to mind was that of Joe secretly meeting a dealer to buy drugs. Levon turned away to hide the expression on his face and picked up his car key. "That don´t make no never mind, I got plenty of time." Inwardly he scolded himself for his suspiciousness. How could he really suspect Joe to endanger the result of the detox and lengthy treatment after all the hardship he had gone through to get back on his feet? Levon shook the feeling and he decided not only to give his partner the benefit of the doubt, but to return to trusting him wholeheartedly. Joe was family and he deserved to be trusted.
Joe blushed but the cause weren´t the emotions playing across Levon´s face. He just didn´t fancy the Texan knowing about a most confidential meeting he was planning to have. But for once he resolved to suffer the breech of privacy, picked up his baggage and trailed along to the Jimmy.
"Where do you want me to take you?" Levon started the engine.
"St. Joseph Church," Joe said, ostentatiously looking out on his side of the car.
"The church on Kane Street?"
"Huh-huh," came the monosyllabic reply.
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Though Levon knew this was none of his business he couldn´t quite suppress his curiosity. When they pulled up in the parking lot of the church with the red brick façade and the large stained glass windows he grabbed his hat from the backseat. "Mind if I take a look?" he asked, his chin pointing at the impressive building.
Joe looked surprised, then shook his head. "No, but you better leave the hat off."
Together they entered the church. Joe headed right for a small built-in booth at the back of the church close to the main gate. He slipped behind the curtain covering its entrance and disappeared. After an instant it hit Levon that this was a confessional box.
Meanwhile Levon´s gaze wandered around the spacious white interior. He had presumed Catholic churches to be dark and pompous, yet this one was airy and filled with sunlight. The gothic arches separated the main nave from the side naves, in which several small altars were each crowned by the statue of a saint. There was only a handful of people in the building and it was very quiet. Levon sat down in the last pew and let the peaceful atmosphere engulf him. Even though he knew that Joe came from a Catholic family, Levon had never considered that his partner might actually practice his faith. But judging from Joe´s behavior, he had probably been here before.
It took some time before the Italian reappeared. At the sight of his partner Levon was tempted to get up, but Joe headed straight into the side nave. He dropped some coins into a box and picked up a candle, lit it and set it on the stand designed to hold the burning candles the visitors devoted to the saints. Then Joe knelt down, crossed himself and apparently started to pray.
Levon sank back against the backrest and diverted his eyes. As he realized why Joe had blushed, Levon felt acutely ashamed. The Italian had not wanted anyone to witness his pious exercise. Still his urge to practice his faith had been stronger and he had overcome his inhibition.
All of a sudden Levon envied Joe for his aptitude to resign himself to God.
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Monday morning again. Joanne yawned. It was early, most members of her team, the Major Crimes Unit, weren´t in yet. The bullpen was still quiet. Within the next hour the usual business of law enforcement would put an end to that. Everything would be back to normal.
The thought lingered on her mind when she saw the doors to the bullpen swing open. Two men walked in: Lundy and LaFiamma.
Joanne smiled. Levon had phoned on Friday, telling her that Joe had received a clean bill of health from his doctor and would be back on the job on Monday. She hadn´t expected Joe to be this early, he was notoriously late, especially on Mondays.
Both detectives approached her open office door and greeted her. Levon turned around and strolled over to the coffee machine while Joe remained standing in the door.
The last time Joanne had seen Joe – seven weeks ago to be exact – he had looked very different. Now she took in his upright and confident stance. Though he probably hadn´t worked out in a while and also had lost some weight it suited him well. His hair was freshly cut and even if he was a bit pale he generally appeared healthy, energetic and at ease. There was, however, a trace of earnestness on his juvenile face and it made him appear more mature.
She beckoned him to close the door and sit down. Without hesitation he complied, made himself comfortable in the chair in front of her desk, pulled a sheet of paper out of his jacket pocket and handed it to her.
It was the letter from a Doctor Johnson, the woman who had called and said she was Joe´s physician at that time. The letter confirmed that Joe was fit for active duty. Joanne laid the letter aside and opened the top drawer of her desk.
With a smile Joe received his HPD badge and his two automatic pistols. He could hardly believe that seven weeks had passed and he was glad to be back.
"I´m very pleased to have you back on the team," Joanne said encouragingly. Though there were many questions she would have liked to ask she kept them to herself. She knew it was none of her business. "Are you ready for a new case?"
The sparkle in Joe´s eyes told her that he was dying to be back on the job. "Sure, Lieutenant."
"Don´t overdo it for the first week, Joey," she laughed mockingly.
"Don´t worry, Lieutenant. By next Monday I´ll be back to oversleeping regularly, I promise." The charming smile and wink that emphasized his answer confirmed that everything was back to normal.
THE END
For those readers who haven´t read It´s All Decided For Us or who don´t remember exactly the historic background of the Castiglion Dio Sol Sa, here are again the details: The tiny castle Balzetti, also known as the castle only God knows – il Castiglion che Dio Sol Sa – is situated in total isolation on the banks of the river Merse deep in the woods near the ancient city of Siena ( Tuscany / Italy ) and can only be approached on foot. It was first mentioned in the year 1262. When Joe and Julia were kids his grandmother used to tell them stories about the castle. Thus it became the symbol for their love and also the lovers´ secret code.
Special thanks go to my most faithful reader and now friend Deeanna1973. Without her enthusiasm and moral support I would never have finished this story. I am totally awed by the dedication with which she reviewed every single chapter.