A/N So I have excuses why this took longer then I originally promised. I was lying and withering on my couch or complaining and moaning for the past three weeks. Walking pneumonia isn't fun. Just so you know. Don't wish that on my worst enemy.
So anyhoo....MissAlex is my wonderful beta, Master of Content Mastery and best friend! She puts sugar on my cereal and chocolate on my vanilla.
This chapter is dedicated to my fine friend and fellow kink master, Punkfarie. She knows why:)
SM owns it all.
Chapter 14: SINK OR SWIM
Edward
She hadn't said a word.
I hadn't said a word, either.
What the fuck would I say?
Hey Bella, did you happen to see my personal intimate picture or are you just freaking out because Jake called my phone and now he knows you're with me?
If she saw Jess's picture, why the fuck should I care, right? I shouldn't. There was nothing wrong with my relationship with Jess. If you wanna call it that. I was still, in theory, using Jess to fulfill my own needs but Bella didn't have to know that. So I decided I wasn't going to explain myself. Why should I? It was none of her business. She had no lasting effect on my current or future relationships.
Shit.
Who was I kidding? I could convince myself over and over again that nothing she thought mattered, but I would be a fool to try and do so. I knew this because it bugged me that she remained silent and poised like nothing was bothering her.
Hell, 'bugged' was too weak a word. It was fucking torture, that's what it was.
I racked my brain trying to come up with some kind of legitimate way to start up a safe conversation. I didn't want to over think too much. I wanted to say something non-committal and irrelevant.
Casual.
"Do you still have those Hot Fries handy?" I asked with a little chuckle. I darted my eyes between the road and Bella's side of the cab.
So fucking lame!
I wanted to hit my forehead with the palm of my hand but like hell I was going to let Bella see that. But man, out of all the topics, that's what I came up with?
"Uhh...." Bella replied lifelessly. Her face looked wounded. Empty. I felt incredible remorse that I made her feel that way. She looked tired and fragile as she handed me the bag of Hot Fries.
"Thanks, I... was...ahh... really hungry." I stammered as I took the bag from her.
Lame. Again.
"I don't really eat these anymore." I continued. "It's funny you bought them. I forgot how much I liked them." I tried opening the bag using my teeth and one hand, while I steered with the other, but it wouldn't give.
"Fuck," I mumbled.
"Here!" Bella snatched the bag from my teeth and opened it easily. "I bought them at the truck stop because I remembered you ate these like crazy on the way to San Francisco," she confessed.
I smiled at her, hoping to get the same reaction back. But instead, she scowled and shot me a look of distaste. I clenched my brow in confusion, thinking what the hell did I do? She leaned back in her seat and resumed the silent treatment.
"Thanks, again," I said quietly. Bella waved her hand and dismissed me.
Her attitude made me so angry.
Was this over the picture? She had no right to be pissed off about that.
Fuck! This wasn't going to be easy. Why did I think this trip was going to be a cake walk? I was foolish if I thought Bella was not going to affect me.
I pushed the bag of Hot Fries to my side. I wasn't in the mood to eat anymore.
My phone lay next to my thigh where I put it after Bella handed it back to me an hour ago. I had no more use for it. My lifesaver - gone. I felt exposed. My future depended on that picture. Without that, I didn't have my anchor – the one thing keeping me from being completely consumed by Bella. But as I tried to focus on Jess, my littlest doubts turned into mountains of stress and insecurity.
I needed to know what Bella thought about what she saw – if she did, indeed, see the photo. This silence treatment bugged the hell out of me. I wanted her to say something. Hell, she could scream at me for all I cared. Anything! Talking about Hot fries wasn't cutting it.
She was driving me crazy.
**
Two hours later we were on the outskirts of St Louis. I was tired and the road looked blurry through my sleepy eyes.
During the last hour, I came to the conclusion that she obviously saw the damn photo. I was sure of that now. The whole time I hoped that she would make the slightest sound to indicate that this wasn't as big as I feared it to be. But she never peeped. Never sniffled. Never fucking budged. Her statuesque silhouette played havoc on my peripheral vision unbeknownst to her. She was unresponsive to my heavy sighs and over exaggerated hand movements as I turned the steering wheel.
I rubbed my forehead, again, as it seemed to be a new habit of mine. I wouldn't be surprised if I had permanent marks from my incessant head rubbing. My head just didn't feel right and I needed something - a release, maybe - something to get my mind off the constant fucking questions that continually plagued me.
I changed lanes, heading towards the downtown St. Louis exit from the Illinois side of the Mississippi. The traffic was light which was good because in my current stressed state, road rage would be hard to keep in check. The Arch was on our right. It overlooked the river with all its grandeur. Bella dropped her hands to her lap and leaned closer to the window, getting a better look. I turned my head quickly when she glanced at me. A smile formed on her lips, showing her excitement, and my own lips curled up in response.
The sky consisted of bright sepia colors and the cool air from my window tickled my nose as I smelled the aura of the city. The buildings were high, but not overpowering. It was obviously that there were no structures like the Hancock Building or Sears Tower in St. Louis. The city actually seemed quaint. It was still the bustling metropolis that I expected a city to be, but it was different from Seattle and Chicago. It was smaller, for sure, and less crowded. I could tell that right away.
The Arch towered over the riverfront and was situated at the gates to the city. It was the first thing I saw when we crossed the Mississippi river. It was menacing with its look of cold hard steel. The structure itself was an engineering marvel to behold. I could, at least, appreciate that aspect of it. But nothing was going to make me understand why in the hell they decided to build such a thing. I hated it already. My heart pounded just looking at it.
I sighed quietly, turning on my blinker and exiting right onto Market St.
I grimaced as I pulled into the parking lot, seeing that the lot was completely packed full of school buses and minivans. I looked over at Bella and her eyes were fixated on the steel beast ahead of us. I could tell she itched to get out of the car by the way she wrung her hands in anticipation. I would have thought it was adorable, like a child excited for Christmas, if I wasn't so pissed off that she hadn't said a word to me these past few hours.
I parked the truck and turned off the engine. The old truck hissed and clunked and I told myself I had to look into that later.
Taking off my sunglasses and putting them on the dash, I reached around the seat and pulled my jacket from behind me. Bella looked on as I rolled up the window. She eyed my jacket and I thought for a minute she would ask to use it, but she didn't. She gathered her purse and pulled the visor down to look in the mirror. She ran a finger over her bottom lip and I swore I started to salivate as I wished my tongue was that finger. She always tasted so good. She took out a small tube of Chapstick from her pocket and glided it along her full lips.
Fucking torture.
I was entranced by the movement of each stroke that passed over the very lips I wanted to lick.
Jesus! I had to cut this shit out. I was supposed to be mad here, right? Was that what I was? Mad? I hated the fucking silent treatment but maybe 'mad' wasn't the opportune word. Frustrated, maybe? Sexually frustrated?
Yeah, that was it.
That was a fact. I was so fucking hard all day because she flirted with me ruthlessly. She toyed with me without shame and I fucking loved and hated it at the same time.
I must have made a sound because Bella flinched and through her gaze in the mirror, she caught me staring. Again. She quickly dropped her hand and narrowed her eyes. I moaned and shook my head, annoyed that I let it happen again.
"Are you ready to get this over with?" I asked as I grabbed my phone and opened my door. She nodded curtly and opened her door to get out as well. She stood next to the car and stretched on her tip-toes, raising her arms to the sky. She took a deep breath and pulled her hair into a ponytail. I looked down at my phone in my hand, unsure of what I was about to do. But by this point I didn't have the sanctity anymore so I couldn't dwell on it. I flipped open my phone and took one last look at Jess and I snuggled together in the offending picture.
I pressed the menu button and my thumb hovered over 'delete'.
"Fuck, I'm so fucked." I mumbled under my breath as I pressed my thumb down, wiping away my one remainder tangible reminder of Jess.
With that picture gone, I only had the memory of her face and voice left. But even those memories seemed to be fading as Bella's image and voice took over my mind. The fleeting picture of Jess that I had in my brain was tainted now and I didn't know if it would last the remainder of the way home. But deleting the phone picture was a must. There wasn't any use in rubbing it in Bella's face whenever she had to use my phone. I didn't want to hurt her. I just wanted to move on. Jess was a good excuse but I couldn't keep stringing her along. I came to terms with the fact that she was nothing more than a distraction and that wasn't fair to her.
I ran my fingers through my tangled hair and checked my face quickly in the rear view mirror. I got out and closed my door behind me, making sure I locked it. Putting on my leather jacket, I walked ahead of Bella. I reached the entrance to the Jefferson Memorial Park, as the sign said, and turned around to check on her. She still stood by the truck. She hadn't followed me.
Bella walked along the length of her car hoisted on the trailer behind the U-Haul. She ran her forefinger lovingly over the hood and smiled. She stopped and bent over, whispering something to her car - like she was telling it a secret. It seemed so nonchalant – well, maybe to any passerby, but not to me. It was clear that she was in love with her teal piece of shit car. I knew that look.
I laughed because I did the same thing with my cars, or at least, I did at one time. I even named my cars. It was a thing that my dad and I did, just for fun. The last car we named was a souped up '69 Mustang Fastback that my father and I restored. We named her Betty after the Archie comics because she was a Betty through and through. That car was a piece of art and even after my father died, I couldn't part with it. It held too many memories – and not just memories of my father.
Bella memories.
So it sat covered in my garage, begging to be driven. I didn't have the heart to take it out after my parents died and since Bella was gone, it only added to my need to hold onto it, yet keep it out of sight. I bought the pretentious Volvo with my inheritance. The Volvo was so not me, but at the time, I wanted something as far from the old me that I could find. So the Volvo worked fine.
Standing on the sidewalk, I waited for her to finish whatever silent conversation she was having with her car. She gave it a little tap and looked up at me while she quickly removed her hand and shoved it in her front pocket of her jeans. She blushed and walked up to me.
"What's her name?" I smirked, wondering if my presumption were correct. I knew Bella had to have named her car. No one loved on their car like that and didn't give it a name.
Bella's mouth gaped open in surprise. She looked like she was about to say something but she stopped herself and looked away from me. I willed her to say at least one thing, something. I begged her silently, hoping my cosmic mind vibrations broke through. The silent treatment was getting on my nerves and it was a simple question.
Frustrated, I raked my hand through my hair. "Will you at least talk to me? I didn't do anything. Please," I begged. I stepped closer to her, looking deep in her eyes, trying to express my need of contact of some kind. Bella took a step back. "What are you thinking? You have been so fucking quiet and I'm about to kill myself here."
Bella brought her hands to her face. "Edward, I..." Her voice trailed off and she buried her face in her hands.
"You what? Tell me!"
"God, Edward! You just make me so...so.....so...I don't know," she stuttered, bringing her hands down to her sides. Her face mirrored the stiffness of her body. I could feel the telltale heat coming off of her, signaling her frustrations.
"Are you mad at me?" I asked, even though she had no right to be mad.
"Ha! Are you really asking me that? If it was any other person in the world then..." The ringing of my phone from my pocket stopped her in mid-rant. I was semi-relieved. I knew what she was going to say.
"What fucking timing," I mumbled, fishing my phone out of my pants. I opened it and looked at the caller ID.
"I'll leave you alone to talk with her," Bella snarled as she turned away from me. I grabbed her elbow.
"It's not her, it's Charlie. Take it." I handed her the phone. Bella hesitated before accepting it from me. She glanced at the screen and her eyes widened. She obviously noticed that the offending photo from earlier had been removed. She recovered fast and pressed send to answer the phone.
"Hello, dad?" she answered, looking at me with one eyebrow cocked. "Dad, hold on." Bella put the phone against her leg, "Can I have a minute?" she asked.
"Sure. I'll just, ah...go over there for a while," I replied, thumbing behind us. I turned to walk away, but stop fast, and leaned close to her. "Bella, don't think that this conversation is over. Far from it." I brushed her hair behind her ear and goose bumps erupted on her skin. She shivered and faced me.
"Wouldn't dream of it, Masen," she smirked.
She turned and walked back towards the parking lot. She leaned against her car and I turned around. What was that all about? She couldn't be fucking serious? She was mad! Priceless!
Fucking woman!
I bent my neck side to side, trying to loosen up the strained muscles from sitting for so long. My neck and head ached. This felt like too much for one day. Too much emotional turmoil. I wanted to tell her that being mad was not going to change anything. Really, nothing at all. Nothing was going to change. Not a thing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
AHH!
She got me so manic sometimes. I second guessed everything when I was with Bella.
I was going to let this roll off my back for now. I was tired and I really needed some fucking sleep. I hadn't had a good night's rest in two days. She was either going to have to drive after we finished here or we would have to stop somewhere. A Red Roof Inn would do wonders right about now. My head swam with thoughts of scratchy sheets and lumpy pillows. It sounded like heaven.
I made my way through the park towards the Arch entrance and walked for at least five minutes. I didn't know how long she needed to talk to Charlie,but we needed to get things moving. If I wanted to keep any form of a schedule, this stop had to be quick. I was annoyed still that we were here, but I had to get over it. My original plan was already shot to hell. At this rate, it was going to take us a week to get back home.
I had some questions to ask Charlie, but I wasn't going to harp on her moment. I understood what the old man was trying to do. He wanted some semblance before he died and in his mind, he would achieve that by reuniting Bella and I. That was the reason for the fucking secrets and deception. I couldn't wrong a man for trying. If he asked me to come to Chicago for Bella under the real pretences, I probably would've come anyway. That's the sick thing. Now that I was with Bella again, it just felt right. Even with all the awkward bullshit and the fact that I was the biggest asshole, I didn't regret taking her home.
I turned around and walked back along the sidewalk. Bella stood in the distance still talking on the phone. Must be some conversation! Her arms flayed around and her gestures were animated. I was sure Charlie would tell me what they fought about if I asked. Bella began pacing back and forth so fast I wondered if she was going to get dizzy. Whatever she was saying had to be negative, judging from the way she was acting. I felt sorry for Charlie. He didn't deserve to get beat up on. I understood him, better than Bella knew. I decided I was going to talk to her about it. She had to understand that Charlie didn't put us in this situation. We did.
A little girl with long flowing brown hair walked past me with her father as I watched Bella. I heard the little girl say, "Daddy, I can't wait to go all the way up there! We get to ride the train, right, daddy?"
That was all I needed to hear. If this kid was excited about it, then it couldn't be that bad, right? It was time to face the monster. I turned around begrudgingly and stopped dead in my tracks.
Slowly, I craned my head up as far as I could to see what the hell all the fuss was about. I tried to calm myself down.
It's just a giant arch.
My palms deceived me and started to sweat. Beads of perspiration rolled down the small of my back as I kept thinking that the Arch was really fucking high off the ground. I wasn't going to let the panic sweep over me or give Bella have any indication that I was scared shitless of heights. She never really knew and I never really told anyone.
It manifested itself about a year ago.
For shits and giggles one day, Emmett, Jaz, and I went cliff diving out at First Beach in La Push. All three of us stood on the edge of the cliff, just shooting the breeze after taking our first jump.
I felt safe and confident that I knew what the hell I was doing. I didn't take into account that Emmett didn't know how to control his massive limbs as he ranted on and on about some story involving Rose and applesauce. I thought back to that day.
I was half listening, and half staring into the ocean. It memorized me for some reason. Feeling like I had no care in the world for once, I relished in the feeling of air on my skin and the salt on my tongue. Summer was so close and our wet suits would not be needed soon. I loved feeling the water run over my skin almost as much as I loved the smell of my mother as she stroked my hair before bed when I was a child. I was happy. I acknowledged it for the first time in what seemed like forever. I didn't worry about what I was going to do that evening or the next day, all I wanted right then was to just remember that some days were happy ones. It was possible to be happy again.
"Whatever, man! You really don't know shit." Jasper fought back, furrowing his brows.
As I inhaled the crisp air, Emmett retold his story with vigor and animation. His arms swung out from his sides. "Dude, Rose was so into it. I couldn't take it anymore, you know? She just slathered the applesauce all over my chest and then started to lick it off. Ugh! It was chunky with cinnamon too....I think it was Mott's or some shit." Emmett always boasted, unashamedly, about his and Rose's sexual escapades.
"Can you please spare us? I have to look at her when we get home," Jaz pointed out.
"Shut up, Jaz! You're just jealous that you don't have a fine ass lady like Rose to roll around in some sauce with." Jaz crossed his arms and started to protest, but Emmett kept on talking. "And don't fucking tell me you're getting some snatch on the side when you go out of town. We all know you're still holding your v-card!" he joked, hitting Jasper on the chest with the back of his hand.
"Come on, Jaz! Tell me something then. When you tell us you go out of town all the time ..." he used finger quotes, "...to 'sightsee,' doesn't make you sound a little gay?"
"How do you know that I'm not secretly meeting some beautiful exotic woman each time I leave town?" Jaz countered. He stepped up to Emmett, glaring at him with resentment. Emmett and I always gave Jasper a hard time for never really having a girlfriend or even a date since...well, ever.
"You never talk about any ass you get for one thing and two..."
Jasper held up his hand to stop Emmett, "Man, just stop....a real man doesn't talk about his conquests."
"Dude, just come out of the closet already. You're gay. Just say it. I, Jasper Whitlock, am a raging homo. It's easy." Emmett threw his head back and laughed.
"I'm not gay!" Jasper seethed.
"You're a flamer - full on 'Priscilla Queen of the Desert' flamin' gay. I bet if we go home now I would find some kind of rainbow sticker slapped on your panties in your chest of drawers. You fucking sing in the shower and when you come home from your trips, you always bring back with you a bunch of shopping bags. So you obviously shop a lot."
"Shut the fuck up, Emmett!" Jasper's whole body tensed as he stood rigid in place. He was boiling mad.
Now, even I was getting tired of Emmett. He pushed Jasper too far sometimes and looking at Jaz now, I could see the anger bleeding out of his eye sockets. He was ready to attack and take no prisoners.
"Emmett, lay off Jaz...he's not gay." I put my hand on Jasper's shoulder, "So what if he likes to take vacations by himself? He's a world traveler and fucking way more intelligent than you and I combined. So chill out and stop fucking with him on the gay shit. If anything, just make fun of the fact that he's a virgin and leave it at that." I slapped Jasper's shoulder. Making fun of someone's sex life, or lack there of, was one thing, but making fun of a person if they batted for the other team was another. I, at least, had limits.
"Gee, thanks... I think," Jasper replied as he looked over at me.
"Not a problem, man. But we know you haven't popped your cherry so don't deny it," I joked.
"Fuck you both, and see if I pay you any rent, Edward." Pulling up the zipper of his wetsuit, he cleared his throat and turned back to Emmett, effectively changing the subject, " Anyway, now I'm curious - why applesauce?"
Emmett chuckled, reminiscing, "Rose grew tired of getting peanut butter out of her hair and since it took forever to lick it off, her tongue always got tired. So we switched to applesauce," he smirked with a devilish grin. "I'm glad we did! The smell was sweet and fucking hot! I was all for it! You know what I mean, Ed?"
"Don't drag me into this," I put my hands up in defense with a smile. "You're a sick fucker. I like to keep my food on my plate. Kids eat that stuff." I stopped as a realization hit me, "You're the dick that took all of my chunky peanut butter!"
"I replaced it," he argued with a smile.
I rolled my eyes and looked back at the water.
He brought both hands to the side of his head and pulled exaggeratedly at his hair, "I thought she was kinky sometimes but this was by far the most kinky food sex we've ever had!" He spun around so fast, his arms out, ready to grab my shoulders, "Edward, Applesauce!" was all I heard. Emmett didn't realize how close he actually was to me and, of course, I was too close to the edge of the cliff.
His massive arms crashed into me and I teeter-totted on the edge of the cliff. My footing was off balance and my toes slipped further off the side. My arms swung out at my sides when I tried to regain my bearings and I felt Jaz and Emmett try to reach for me. But it was too late. I fell over the edge and I didn't have enough leverage to push myself further out to avoid the jagged rocks along the cliff's walls.
The whole fall down, I bounced and recoiled as the rocks punctured my skin. My head avoided getting pummeled and my chest and back took the brunt of the beating. I was lucky though because I seemed to bounce fairly well and landed far enough into the ocean that I missed the biggest razor like rock formations hidden in the depths of the water. The salt violently bit and stung at my skin. Sinking father and father into the depths, I thought of everything that had happened to me in my life. It wasn't the same thing as watching your life flash before your eyes - it was more calming and reassuring. The whispers of the water echoed in my ears and I faintly heard the pounding of my heart as it begged for more oxygen. It was alright though. I was ready to meet any fate that was going to be given to me in that ocean. I was ready to see my parents again and feel the burden of my guilt, lifted. My body was limp as I drifted deeper and deeper into the blackness. I didn't dare open my eyes to see what lay below me and I made no effort to move and try and save myself.
A quick flash of Bella's face accosted me. Her tears in her eyes were heavy and her lips were swollen and red. She reached out to me, searching my eyes for acceptance. I could tell she was grieving.
My heart pounded louder.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Burning and pulsating against my rib cage, my heart screamed to me. It kept time with her blinking eyes as she looked over my damaged body.
"Please, don't," she whispered as she cried. Bella was begging me and pushing me. Always pushing me. She knew what I was doing - giving in. And she wasn't going to have that. I let what seemed to be my fate control what I really wanted. Did I want to die? Hell fucking no! Did I want to give up? Sometimes, but now seeing her with me in the water, I wanted to swim. I wanted to breathe. I wanted to feel her again. I wanted to live!
I decided I had to get to the surface, and judging from the way my chest burned for life, I had to do it quickly. I swore right at that moment that Bella would not cry for me like that again. My legs kicked with renewed strength and I raised my left hand above my head, trying to wave it through the water. Something pulled at my outstretched hand. The water currents glided around my body and I realized that I was being towed upward. I opened my eyes and looked to the faded light above. It wasn't just something pulling me, but someone. His legs moved swiftly and strongly through the water, slicing it like a knife.
Bobbing to the surface, I inhaled so deeply that my throat made a strangled noise, desperate to fill my lungs with air. The cool air of April nipped at my face as the pellets of water rolled down my hair onto my eye lashes. Focusing my eyes and floating to my back, I felt the stiffness of Emmett's arms under my back.
"Edward, can you move?" he asked, licking his lips while we both struggled to breathe through our noses. "Wait, don't move. You're hurt. Your body suit is shredded." Emmett looked at me more closely. "I don't want to hurt you more if you're broken somewhere. Jasper went to the Jeep and he's calling Charlie."
From that day on, anything that had to do with heights freaked the shit out of me. I admit it. I was scared of heights like a fucking sissy.
I couldn't even get on a step ladder without getting dizzy.
Looking down a flight of stairs made my knees wobble.
And don't get me started on how long it took me to drive over a tall bridge.
Maybe it was the long fall and the bouncing off large jagged rocks -or the combination of both - but mainly, it was also the fact that I faced my mortality before I was ready for it. In the water, I scared myself because it was so easy to sink and at first, it was so easy to just let it happen. But then I saw Bella in a weird liquid vision just as I was about to resign myself to the murky gods. Then everything changed. She gave me strength and I was ashamed that I ever thought to give up so easily. I hated that it took a rather long fall for me to realize that no matter what happened in my past, life was still worth living. But most surprisingly, I realized that even after trying to forget her, Bella was still there in everything, even at the time of my almost death.
The fall took on a new meaning. It made me realize that everything that happened with my parents was beyond me - just like that fall was beyond me. But that didn't mean I couldn't fight. All these years were torture for me because I was the blind one. But even though I had a new appreciation for life, the resentment was still there, nagging in the back of my mind.
Always.
I had grown too accustomed to it and almost craved it because it made me feel like I, at least, had something in my life that was a constant.
I was shocked when Bella showed up during my time in the water. I figured not seeing her all those years effectively erased her from my mind. Out of sight, out of mind, right? But man, was I wrong.
The problem was, she was never erased from my heart.
Emmett saved my body that day but Bella saved my soul.
"Do you see those little black dots up there?" Bella pointed up to the sky at the top of the Arch.
I didn't notice Bella sneaking up on me. She stared up at the sky.
I squinted. "I think I do." I refocused my line of sight. "But they're too fucking small."
"Those are the windows we're going to look out of when we go up there," she explained.
Immediately, my heart raced and my knees shook. The idea was to visit the Arch, not climb the fucker. I shook my head and took a few steps backwards. I had no idea where I was going. All I did know was that I was headed anywhere but up. I needed to get as far away from The Arch as possible.
Bella still gazed upwards so I took that opportunity to quietly walk away without her noticing.
But I didn't get far.
Luck obviously wasn't on my side today because a few feet from her, something crunched under my feet, causing her to look in my direction. I lifted my foot and looked at what I stepped on that made the offending sound.
Stupid twig! I curse you!
She frowned and put her hands on her hips. "Where are you going?"
Lie.
"Umm, I forgot something in the truck. Why don't you go ahead? I'll wait for you there. Okay?"
Bella walked towards me. "What did you forget?"
"My wallet," I stammered, "I... forgot my wallet and I don't have any cash in my pockets." I patted my pockets to emphasis my comment. But Bella was smart woman. She leaned into me and lifted my jacket from behind.
"It looks like your wallet is nestled safely in your back pocket."
"Shit," I mumbled.
"What's wrong?" She stood in front of me, her eyes searching mine. I must have looked panicked because she gave me a strange look. Sweat ran down my back and my ears felt hot.
"It's nothing."
She tugged at my hand but I didn't budge. Her eyes looked curious, and then stern. "What's wrong?" she asked again.
"I'm fine, it's just....this is going to take a long time." I motioned at the underground entrance of the Arch and she stopped tugging my hand. "It's crowded. The line is out the door."
I was stalling.
I knew what would happen once I got to the top. I would have a panic attack and grab onto something to steady myself as my body shook. Knowing my luck, it would be some unruly, hairy security guard with a power trip. The last thing I wanted was to get manhandled by a rent-a-cop Park Ranger while I tried to calm down.
"Edward, we came all this way and you already agreed to come to The Arch." She sounded hurt.
"I agreed to come to The Arch, but I didn't agree to go up it's ass," I replied.
"Come on, it's not going to be that bad." She held out her hand. "You won't have to look out the windows." With that she gave me a wink and tried to pulled my hand forward. She obviously knew that my reluctance to go up in the Arch had nothing to do with the long lines. Man, she really did know me well.
"I can't Bella." I looked back towards the parking lot. I was embarrassed that she saw me this way. I wanted to hide my face and crawl into the fetal position.
"Veronica,"she whispered.
I whipped my head around so fast that I nearly lost my balance. Did I hear what I think I just heard?
"What did you say?" I asked, looking at her in bewilderment.
"I named her Veronica." Bella looked down at her feet. "I thought it fit, so that's what I named her." she said nodding towards the parking lot.
I was a bit astonished to say the least. Bella named her car 'Veronica'. She knew that I would recognize the connection immediately. My Betty and her Veronica. She did that to compliment me.
"When did you name her that?"
Bella looked down at her feet, still refusing to meet my gaze. "Right after I got her. Well, I knew that was her name when I first saw her. It just was.....fitting. She would never be a 'Betty' but she looked like a 'Veronica' for sure." Bella played with a rock by her foot, still looking at the ground.
I was completely stunned. Speechless. I knew she got her car soon after my parents died. Charlie told me Jake and her went out and bought it one day. He was concerned that it wasn't safe and wanted my opinion. At the time, I really didn't care if she drove a moped or a BMW. I barely listened. But if she named her car 'Veronica' when she was with Jake, then that meant she wasn't over me.
Bella snapped me out of my thoughts. "Come on, it's starting to get dark," she said softly.
Before I could say a word in protest, she pulled me behind her. Numbly, I followed her like a lost puppy. Her attitude changed immensely. She didn't seem mad at all anymore or shy about her confession of 'Veronica'. And she was touching me. She willingly touched me with her hand. My numbness faded a bit and was replaced with shock. I couldn't believe that this was the same woman from ten minutes ago. I definitely preferred the latter.
She brought me to the entrance. There was no turning back now. I felt the warmth of her hand and even though we stood in line, she didn't let go. Did she think I was going to run? Or did she like holding my hand? Man, I wanted to know.
It was crazy how my hand folded perfectly with hers. Her nimble fingers gripped snugly onto mine and swear that whatever trepidation I felt walking over here almost disappeared. The palpitations of her pulse beat against my hand. It felt good. I didn't want to let go. Holding her hand gave me strength. The top of the Arch didn't seem so high anymore. The butterflies in my stomach felt squelched and thank God my palms stopped sweating. It was like she was saving me all over again, only she had no clue about the time before or now.
Gently, I squeezed her hand and traced my thumb over hers. I wasn't expecting her to reciprocate my action – actually, I expected her to drop my hand. But instead, she sighed and didn't let go. I walked slower, prolonging our journey to the top, wanting to revel in this for just a little bit longer.
The wind picked up, enveloping us in a blanket of cool air. It was tolerable for me with my jacket, but I noticed Bella put her free hand in her pocket. Her body trembled.
"Would you like my jacket?" I asked, still not letting go of her hand. We continued walking as the line shuffled forward towards the entrance to the Arch doorways.
"Won't you be cold?"
"Nah, I'll be fine. Thick skin," I grinned.
"Well, ain't that the truth." She rolled her eyes and let go of my hand.
I felt the loss immediately. My heart squeezed in my chest as though it sensed her absence as well. I took off my jacket and with ease and slipped on her shoulders. After placing her arms in each sleeve and wrapping it around her shaking form, she snuggled into it.
"Thank you. I didn't think to bring my coat. It was so nice today. Anyway, it's packed in the back of the U-Haul somewhere."
I shrugged. "We'll look for it after we head back."
"Thanks," she repeated as she looked away.
The line was super fucking long. It was a weekday for crying out loud. What garnered such a mass of people on a weekday? The Arch had two entrances, both of which led to an underground museum. I listened to that much when Bella blurted out random facts earlier. It looked like we were at the north entrance, but I wasn't sure. I looked around to see if there were any signs or maps along the walls but there weren't any so I just assumed I was right. As we shuffled closer to the doors, I noticed the metal detectors.
"Dammit."
Bella faced me "What?"
I eyed the security office door just off the front of the entrance. "I have to go up there for a minute." I pointed to the security door.
"What? Why?"
I leaned down. "I'm armed." Her eyes widened. "I have to check my weapon at the door before I can enter or else those big metal detectors are going to go off and you'll see me get body slammed faster than a twenty dollar hooker."
Her face crinkled up and she scowled. "You brought your gun?" she whispered.
"I always do. I don't leave home without it, babe."
"Ugh, your such a man! Why are there metal detectors?" she asked.
"Since 9-11, the government installed extra security at all national monuments. For safety measures. I should have thought of that before but I wasn't really thinking clearly earlier," I explained.
"I still don't understand. Why did you bring your gun? It's just a simple road trip. What could go wrong?"
I exhaled, rubbing my chin. "Bella, a lot of things could go wrong. That's why I like the protection."
"I never liked guns, you know that."
"Bella, you grew up with a cop, I never understood how you could feel that way."
"Well, I guess I'm just not used to seeing you with a gun. It's like you're a whole other person now."
"People change, Bella. It's part of my job now to carry a gun. It doesn't define who I am. I'm still a lot like the old Edward you used to know." I turned away because I didn't know if I meant what I said. The old Edward was so far removed now. I didn't know if there was any shred of him left.
"I heard otherwise," she murmured.
"I'm sure people told you a lot of things while …...Look, the truth is, whatever people told you about me was probably true. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of but the one thing I know is that I'll never disrespect my badge and what it stands for. If I have to carry my gun because I feel it's my civic duty, then I will. I'm not going to feel sorry or make excuses."
Bella pursed her lips and crossed her arms, "You're just like Charlie, you know that?"
I smiled. "That's the second best compliment you've ever given me."
Of course, I didn't tell her that Veronica was the first.
Leaving Bella's side, I walked over to the Park Ranger standing by the metal detectors. I told him about my predicament and he escorted me to the security office off to the side. I checked my weapon, showed him my credentials, talked about Forks...blah, blah, blah. It took way too long. He had me fill out a waiver which demanded I answer too many fucking questions.
"You don't look much like a cop, Deputy Masen."
"I'm on vacation." Ranger Fido gave me a look of approval. "Are we almost done here?" I asked impatiently.
"Yes, I just need to get one more thing from my supervisor and then you can go." He smiled and walked away.
Desperate to get out of there, I walked up to the glass window. I was worried that Bella was by herself too long and I wanted to see if she was okay. I couldn't tell from where I was and that increased my desire to get out of here ASAP.
Deputy Dog here had talked my ear off. I figured not many people entered the Arch grounds armed. I was pretty sure this made his boring day of searching purses and coat pockets much better. Hell, I probably made his week, if not month.
I heard him walk up beside me but I didn't take my eyes off the window. "When you come back, just find me by the metal detectors and I will give you back your sidearm," he instructed.
I was half listening while trying to see Bella. "Yeah, great...thanks. Sorry for the inconvenience," I muttered.
"No problem, Deputy Mason," the ranger exclaimed with a salute which I caught out of the corner of my eye.
A little overzealous, huh?
I give a small salute back, "At ease, Ranger.....?."
"Park Ranger Phillips, sir," he answered with a nod.
I nodded in return and reached for the handle of the door.
"She's really pretty. You're a lucky man," he added, just as I gripped the handle. He must've seen me standing with Bella earlier.
I finally saw Bella as I opened the door. She wasn't in line anymore, but off to the side, talking on the phone instead.
My phone.
She looked like she was crying, but I wasn't sure. Something was off, I knew that much. I never felt so compelled to hold her and give her my strength. It was a need that I couldn't control. It was instinctive.
Protective.
Territorial.
My eyes never left Bella as I replied to the Park Ranger. "I know, I am lucky. Thanks. Sometimes you don't know what you've got until you've lost it. I'm just lucky that she's with me now and I have a chance to make things right."
With those words, I knew I was fucked.
Hmm, what do you think? Who do you think Bella was on the phone with? I want to here your theories!
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