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Chapter 14 – Struggles for Control
Ziva stirred uncomfortably as she lay in bed, she couldn't get comfortable now, it had been a week and a half since Tali had come home to them and she was now beginning to show her pregnancy, and sleep wasn't coming as easily, she had been staying home with Tali for this past week helping her recover, but it was hard. At first Tali had been fine, her normal cheeky self, but the past couple of days her cheer and humour appeared to be rather forced, she was quieter and more uncertain, Ziva hoped she would be ok.
Giving up on the possibility of sleep at that moment she carefully sat up, beside her Tony mumbled as he felt her leave his arms "Zee" he murmured "shh" she whispered "go back to sleep I am fine" with another mumble Tony did as he was asked. She padded out into the living room and then into the kitchen to get a glass of water, sighing she drank it hoping that this would help her sleep, just then she heard a sound and she froze listening hard. Another loud whimper sounded and with a frown she moved towards Tali's room and listened, she could hear her daughter gasping and moving from the other side of the door, slowly she pushed it open.
Tali was thrashing and gasping in her sleep, and the occasional cry slipped from between her clenched jaws, she jerked then scrabbling frantically to get away from her fears. Instantly Ziva moved into the room towards her, she sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to her daughter "Tali" she said softly "hush tateleh it is ok" she said, she shook her gently and Tali bolted awake, recoiling away from her in fright, "shh" Ziva soothed "it is only me tateleh, you are safe" Tali stared at her, her breathing was loud and laboured and she was drenched in sweat "ima" she whispered "did I wake you, I am sorry" Ziva shook her head "No tateleh you didn't wake me, I couldn't sleep" she studied her daughter "were you dreaming about Israel" she asked quietly, Tali lowered her head and nodded "is this the first time" Ziva asked, Tali shook her head "no I have been having them for a couple of nights now" Ziva pulled her into a hug and Tali curled up against her chest, she was still shaking slightly.
"Why didn't you tell us tateleh" Ziva asked quietly as she hugged her daughter feeling her shaking slowly subside , Tali didn't answer at first she just hugged her mother tightly, then she mumbled "because I was hoping they would stop, and I didn't want to hurt you" Ziva looked down at her "what do you mean" she asked confused, Tali looked up at her "because they hurt" she whispered "they are so painful to remember because the whole experience was painful, I didn't want you to know about how much it hurt, I thought it might remind you of your childhood" Ziva hugged Tali close "tateleh" she said softly "do not hide things, it doesn't help, for a long time I did before I opened up to you father and it helped, what happened to me when I was your age and younger does hurt but it doesn't mean I want you to hurt even more and be afraid to tell me"
Tali hugged her not responding, slowly Ziva leaned back against the headboard of the bed still clutching Tali tight, Ziva kissed her head before saying gently "I know what my father did to you Tali, well some of it anyway, he showed it to us, we all know" Tali looked up at her "they showed you" she said "how much" "enough" Ziva said softly "I am here if you need me to talk to Tali, I promise it won't hurt me"
Tali was silent for a long while before she spoke, slowly at first but then the words just poured out as though she couldn't stop voicing her fears once she had started "I was so scared when I woke up, when I was on the plane, I didn't understand, I was terrified, and then when I met my grandfather, he was so horrible to me, I was so confused, but then I understood why you never spoke to him, he told me that you refused to give me up and he disowned you, and that he was keeping his promise to you that he would come and take me" Ziva hugged her "yes" she said "I haven't spoken to him since he threatened me and told me I had no place in the family if I had a baby with your father, because he doesn't like your dad Tali because he killed a Mossad agent" Tali blinked "a story for another time" Ziva whispered "but I should have realised long before that he didn't care for me, when he wouldn't rescue me from the suicide mission he sent me into" she looked at Tali who looked at her confused
"he sent me on a mission to Somalia, my team mates were injured, I should have fallen back but my father had told us to continue the mission or die trying, I went on alone and was captured, I was held for months tateleh, I was convinced I would die" she felt a small smile creep onto her face "and then your father found me" she whispered "he had heard that I had been killed in a ship sinking but he refused to believe it, so he tracked me to Somalia and got himself purposefully captured by my abductor and managed to get him to bring me to him, he was so shot up on truth serum, that was when he first told me he loved me, he said 'couldn't live without you"
Tali gave a small smile "perfect timings as always" she mumbled and Ziva smiled "your uncle Gibbs shot Saleem our abductor and they got me out, I don't think your father let go of me throughout our escape and the whole way home" she smiled again "I learned then that my father had done nothing for me tateleh, I was his only surviving daughter and he left me to the sharks yes, I suppose he even handed me over to them"
Tali snuggled against her "I understand that now" she whispered "I understand what you meant when you were taught never to hold back, he let Malachi beat me up, no matter what I did Malachi would always win, I just stopped trying, but I had so much anger inside of me, then one day I just snapped and fought back, I still didn't win though, I didn't understand any of it" Ziva hugged Tali close "Malachi was learning to fight when I was slightly younger than him, I have watched him fight for years, even I couldn't have beaten him tateleh"
Tali was quiet for another minute before she said "is it true what he said about leaving you and your sister in the woods" Ziva nodded "yes" she responded "and you walked the wrong way on purpose" Ziva nodded again, Tali shivered "I was terrified and I had people in there with me, how did you do it on your own, how did you cope with being the only one out there" Ziva hugged her tightly "I had been trained for that sort of thing since I was younger than you Tali" she thought back to that day "I was just used to the idea of it, it didn't scare me" Tali was quiet again before she spoke "I was scared" she mumbled "I was running for ages and then I had to fight and I was so confused, I beat them, I couldn't understand it, I kept on running for a whole day I ran, I barely noticed my side was hurting until it got dark, then I was alone, I fell into a ditch and just didn't have the strength to get back up" a small sob rose in her throat "I remember just lying there, I didn't want to fight anymore, I just gave up" she paused "part of me just wanted everything to end, because I didn't want to have to go through any more of it"
Ziva felt tears in her eyes as Tali sobbed that out, she gripped her daughter tightly, she felt her hatred for her father increase, she hugged her rubbing her back gently "and then I did beat Malachi" Tali sobbed "I felt so much anger inside of me and I just took me over, I didn't even think, I just did, the next thing I knew I had a knife to Malachi's throat" she paused and looked up at her mother "I am scared" she whispered "scared that I would have killed him if my grandfather hadn't drugged me, I was actually thinking about doing it" "shh" Ziva whispered "it is ok tateleh you didn't kill him" "but I wanted to" she cried "I wanted to do it so bad" Ziva didn't answer she just hugged her, eventually Tali managed to stop her crying and she just hugged her mother breathing hard.
They were silent for a long time before Tali spoke again "do you still feel it" she asked, Ziva looked down at her "feel what tateleh", Tali gazed at her "the anger, the urges, I can feel everything stored up, so much anger, I don't know how much I can store before I snap, and I am scared about what will happen when I snap, I don't want someone to get hurt" Ziva kissed her forehead "I still feel the anger tateleh" she said softly "you just learn to channel it, I can channel it to determination to catch a killer and when I need to fight I can use it then" "but I can't fight" Tali whispered "I am scared that if I start to let it out again it will take me over and I will hurt someone bad" Ziva thought, she was right, sometimes the anger was too strong and she struggled to control it, Tali was still so young, she wouldn't be able to control it if it all became too much, what if she snapped at school and hurt a child, she would have to find a way for her to let it all out safely.
"we will think of something tateleh I promise you" Tali hugged her, she was breathing hard "I don't want to go back to school" she whispered "I don't want to go there and have a repeat of last year after I went back, I mean they will know what I did and they will badger me, and I don't want to have to struggle to control my frustration" Ziva bit her lip, of course Tali's stunt had been all over the news, some footage had been caught of it luckily it was too far away for her daughter to be positively identified but the kids at her school would be able to put two and two together, they knew that it was a young girl, Tali had been missing then this stunt would come up and she would return different, they would if they already hadn't, realise it was her.
"don't worry" she whispered "we will sort something out I promise" Tali sighed and burrowed deeper into her chest, she hugged her tightly, "will you tell me a story" she whispered "I need a distraction" Ziva nodded "what kind of story" she asked, Tali looked up at her "tell me about the first time you and dad met"
Ziva smiled, then she slowly slid down into a lying down position hugging Tali tightly as she began "I had been sent from Israel to be a control officer for my half-brother Ari, he had just killed Cait, I went to NCIS, I wanted to talk to Agent Gibbs who was mad, swearing that he would kill Ari for what he had done, when I arrived he was not there the only one there was your father" she smiled at the memory "he was gazing into space, then he just suddenly said 'sometimes I picture you naked" Tali sniggered "yes I had no idea what he was talking about, I just stood there, he seemed to notice me then because he tried to cover it up by saying he was on the phone, I didn't believe him, he said he was playing charades on the phone and I said he was having phone sex" Tali giggled again "he asked who I was and I told him, I don't know what went through his head when I said Mossad, but all he could say was that I was Israeli, and then he introduced himself and then told me he was imagining his dead partner, naked I know and tried to defend himself by saying he wasn't the only one" she smiled "I teased him, I said women did it too and looked at him, I loved the way his eyes popped so I kept on going" Tali smiled "Uncle Gibbs was right when he said nothing has changed" she said and Ziva smiled
"did you know you loved him" Tali asked, Ziva thought "I felt something" she said "But I didn't know for a long time that it was love, the love that can only be felt once" Tali smiled "what was your first kiss with him like" she asked, Ziva grinned "we were undercover" she said in this hotel room playing a couple of married assassins and your dad was being your dad and I was worried that the room might be bugged so I just moved over to him took him to the bed, he was looking at me wondering where I was going and then he leaned in as I leaned in and we kissed" Tali smiled "how did you feel" she asked "I felt a fire get lit inside of me" Ziva whispered "I never wanted it to end, it was so magical" "did you see fireworks" Tali asked, Ziva looked at her "I did with Amir" she mumbled, Ziva smiled "yes" she said "I did see fireworks tateleh" Tali sighed and went quiet.
"Try and get some more sleep sweetheart" Ziva whispered "I will stay" Tali looked up at her "thank you" she whispered, she snuggled down and tentatively closed her eyes to sleep. Once her breathing had slowed Ziva was left thinking as she lay there curled up next to her terrified daughter, she didn't know what they were going to do now, she knew how Tali was feeling, every emotion she felt changed to anger, the anger would be simmering slowly, she would constantly feel like a bomb waiting to explode, not knowing what would trigger her uncontrollable rage, it was hard, but she had gotten used to it, once Tali was born her anger had abated and changed more to love, but when she had been young the rush of anger was electric, uncontrollable. And then there was the urge to hurt, the anger lit that fuse and god knows what would happen when Tali's was lit, she was so much stronger than Ziva, she was a perfect assassin, she would want to kill.
Mossad had changed Tali, they had broken her, everyone knew it, but they had broken Ziva too and she had managed to survive, to learn to control herself, she had changed. Tali was young and inexperienced but that was good, she was easier to teach, and she wanted to learn, Ziva would help her, no matter how long it took, or how hard it was, she would help Tali live the wonderful life she deserved, she would teach her to control her urges, channel the anger. But there was the rush still, when Ziva had been in Mossad she had lived for those rushes, the rush of excitement she felt when danger was around, she now still got these at NCIS, would Tali want those rushes too? And if so how did she get them?
Ziva sighed, she hated her father for what she had done to her daughter, she hadn't deserved any of it, she was so sweet and had been so innocent to the true horrors of the world, then Mossad had destroyed that innocence, she stroked Tali's hair before shifting into a more comfortable position, still hugging her daughter she closed her eyes, she still felt tense, slowly glad that Tali had opened up to her she began to try and relax, she would deal with this in the morning, right now though she needed sleep.
XOXOXO
Tony grunted as he woke up, something felt weird, he opened his eyes and leapt as he saw that the bed was empty, he frowned thinking, he remembered Ziva tossing and turning in the night unable to sleep before getting up but he didn't remember her coming back in, slowly he swung himself out of bed and padded out into the living room, he saw that Tali's bedroom door was lying open so he crept over and peered round, then he smiled, Ziva was curled up with Tali curled up tight against her, their bodies pressed so tightly together it was hard to tell them apart, both of them clutched at each other tightly.
He watched them for a minute before Ziva sighed and rolled over "Tony" she mumbled when she saw him "how long have you been standing there" he smiled as he moved in and crouched next to her "long enough to enjoy the view, but not long enough for it to be creepy" he said cheekily, she smiled and rolled her eyes at him, "how long have you been in there with her" he asked looking at Tali still fast asleep, she sighed "since I got out of bed but we didn't sleep for a while" he frowned "we" he questioned.
Ziva slowly eased herself out of Tali's bed and slipped out of her room, Tony followed closing the door behind them, she slipped over to the couch and sat down, slowly he sat next to her and looked at her waiting for her to explain, she took his hand and squeezed it before saying softly "she was dreaming last night, dreaming of Israel" Tony sighed, he had feared as much "and it wasn't the first time" Ziva continued "she has been having them for a couple of nights but didn't want to cause us pain by telling us" Tony nodded and rubbed her shoulder.
Ziva looked down "I told her she could tell me anything, and she just burst open, see told me everything Mossad did to her, and how she felt, she was so scared throughout it all, she told me that whilst in the woods she just wanted everything to end" Tony frowned unhappily when he realised how terrified and upset Tali had been, Ziva was looking at her knees.
"she said that she wanted to kill Malachi when she beat him, she was scared that she would of if my father hadn't pulled her off, and then she was worried because she has urges, the need to hurt, she has so much anger inside of her Tony, and I know how she feels, I have felt that way before, it is so strong we need to find a safe way for her to let it out" "shh" Tony whispered "we will figure it all out Zee I promise, everything is going to be ok I swear" she curled up against him as he hugged her, both of them silent.
"I don't want you to worry about me" they both looked up as they heard Tali, she was standing in the doorway to her room looking at them miserably "hey" Tony said "every parent worries about their kid Tali, so cut us some slack ok" he held out one arm to her, she gave him a small smile and moved forward and crawled onto the sofa against his chest, Tony thought "why don't you come to work today with us ninja" he suggested, both of his girls looked at him, he smiled "I don't think sitting round the house all day is going to help" he said, Ziva looked at Tali who nodded "I would like to see the team again" she said and Ziva smiled "alright then" Tony said "let's role people, we need to be washed, dressed, breakfasted and out the door in" he looked at his watch "10 minutes" he looked at them both, the identical expression on their faces said 'in your dreams' "I know not bloody likely" he said Ziva gave him a look "language Tony" she chided, Tony grinned "I call dibs on bathroom" he said leaping up and shooting off towards the bathroom, laughing Tali took off after him running into the door "have you ever heard of ladies first" she shouted pounding on the door "men before ninjas" he called back "hey where does the pregnant ninja come into this" Ziva asked "2nd" Tony called, she sighed and shook her head. Tali rolled her eyes and headed off to get her stuff ready for the day.
XOXOXO
Gibbs looked up as he heard the elevator ding and smiled as he saw not one but all three of the DiNozzo's exit, well four if you counted the baby. "hello shortcake how you feeling" he asked standing and moving to hug Tali "alright" she said "I was going stir crazy in the apartment" Gibbs chuckled "hey Tali" Tony said "come with me" she looked at him before nodding, he grabbed a bag and the two of them headed off, Gibbs looked at Ziva "where is he taking her" he asked, Ziva gave a smile as she settled behind her desk watching the two of them "he is going to help her safely vent" she said.
He looked at her "is she ok" he asked seriously, she shrugged "confused and scared" she said "and full of anger that she is scared to release" Gibbs sighed and shook his head as she explained what Tali had said to her, that poor girl had really been through hell, and it was going to be a long climb back to normality, but they were with her, every step of the way.
XOXOXO
Tali frowned as they stepped into the NCIS gym "what are we doing here" she asked following her dad in, he didn't answer he just went over to a locker and opened it, "here" he said tossing her the key, "this is yours now" she looked at him in confusion "well" he said "you are going to need some space to put your stuff when you come down here ninja" she looked around "when I come down here" she questioned, he sat down on the edge of one of the weight lifting benches and patted the area next to him "your mom told me what you told her" he said softly looking at her as she sat there, hands clenched staring at the floor "about you feeling so angry" she nodded "and you want to let it out safely" he said, she nodded again "well take it out on Mr Punch Bag" he said gesturing to the sack hanging from the ceiling "I am sure he deserves it plenty" she let out a small laugh that ended in a sob.
"hey" Tony said sliding off the bench and kneeling in front of her "hey Tali its ok" "no its not" she sobbed tears falling from her eyes "I don't know if I can control it, I don't know if the punch bag will be enough in the long term, what if it isn't, then what, what if I hurt you or Gibbs or mom, what if I hurt my baby brother or sister when they are born" Tony pulled her forward against his chest pressing her head against his shoulder running his hands through her hair, she slid off the bench and cried against his chest as he hugged her whispering words of comfort as she clung to him.
When her sobs quietened slightly he whispered "for now take out Mr Punch Bag yeah, deal with him, and if it isn't enough in the long term we will figure something else out princess I promise" she looked at him so he cupped her face using his thumb to rub tears from her eyes "Tali" he said firmly "we are going to get through this, we are going to deal with it together as a family so you can go back to your old life ok I promise sweetheart"
"I can't have my old life back" Tali sobbed "I am not the person I was, I am broken, something inside of me broke and I feel so different, I can't live my old life" Tony kissed her forehead "well in that case" he said "you get a new life" she looked at him "just because your old life is over it doesn't mean everything is Tali, the past is our past and yes it makes us who we are in the future but it doesn't mean it defines it, what we do now defines our future Tali, and now you are going to be strong and hold your head high and carry on with your life, we are not going to let your past hold you down Tali, you are going to carry on, go back to school, get great grades and go to whatever college you want to ok, and along the way we will deal with your anger, and we will watch you become a great big sister" Tali stared at him tears still dribbling down her cheeks, then she suddenly launched at him hugging him tightly, Tony hugged her tightly back "thank you daddy" she whispered "always my princess" he whispered back.
They stayed there for a long time before they pulled apart, Tony stood and handed her the bag he had brought "grabbed you some gym clothes" he said "and some other stuff you might need" she grinned and took the clothes and disappeared to change, Tony changed into some of his own and waited until she came out tying her hair back, she grabbed some wrist strappings and wrapped them round her wrists and fists, then she grinned at her dad "let's go teach Mr Punch Bag a lesson" she said, Tony grinned "I'll hold you punch" he suggested, she nodded and with a grin they launched at the bag, Tony held it watching as she pummelled it, a small snarl rose in her throat and she twisted snapping her leg up and round to whack the punch bag "damm" Tony said staggering "we might need to buy NCIS a new one" she giggled at him "better" he asked, she nodded "yeah" she said "actually it is better" he winked at her "dads know best" he said and she laughed.
"you know I still think I can take you on the mats" Tony said, she raised her eyebrows at him "seriously you have never been able to take me on the mats" she said, he grinned "want to bet, I win and I get to choose the movies we watch until after Christmas, you win and um what do you want" she thought "same as you plus Subway for lunch" he clenched his fist and she bumped hers against it "deal" he said.
They circled each other Tali watching his every move like a hawk, then she launched towards him swinging a punch, he ducked and caught her around the waist trying to throw her to the floor, but she twisted and as they landed she wriggled on top pinning him to the ground, he groaned as he stared at her, she grinned "I like all the toppings" she said "and prepare for a chick flick fest"
'uh oh" Tony thought as he rolled over, Christmas wouldn't come fast enough now. He watched her head towards the showers and smiled, her smile seemed much more genuine now, for now the NCIS gym would be enough, and they would take things slowly, baby steps he thought as he headed to the showers, and they would all be there ready to catch her if she fell.
Hi everyone hope you liked it, I was tearing up at some parts
Just so you know might not update soon because I am going on a conservation trip to Belize for two and a half weeks over Easter – so cannot wait, but it is a zero technology trip so can't update :/ But I think I can get one more chapter in hopefully – maybe if I get enough reviews.
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Mysticgirl101