CHAPTER 14
To be clear, Santana had every intention of speaking to Brittany. It was a pretty well thought out plan which she spent a good 12 hours concocting. She gave herself until Quinn left for New Haven to reach out to Brittany but she started to overthink and doubt herself then one thing led to another and Santana ended up missing her window. She could've easily sent Brittany a text or given her a call, but for some reason Santana made herself believe that it would look rude of her, like she was inviting Brittany out of guilt or pity. Of course, Santana was making it all up in her head but in that moment, she couldn't be told otherwise.
So when Quinn left for New Haven late Tuesday evening, Santana decided that it was too late. Quinn was long gone on her road trip so she wasn't there to pester Santana and make her feel like even more of a loser. So Santana just padded around the house, hoping that Brittany didn't hate her for being such a dumbass. She hoped she wouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving and that she'd have a lovely dinner wherever she ends up and that those people are grateful she's there.
\\
It's early Wednesday morning when Maribel calls Santana downstairs for breakfast. They're not usually breakfast people, but there's a small bowl of mixed berries and a stack of pancakes waiting when Santana arrives. The smell of fresh coffee brewing fills the kitchen and suddenly Santana's not so cranky about the early wake up call.
"Good morning, mija." Maribel greets as a groggy Santana plops down on one of the barstools near the island countertop.
Santana notices Maribel is already dressed and she wonders how long she's been up for.
"Morning, mami." Santana replies and plucks up a raspberry from the bowl, "What's all this for?"
Maribel shrugs as she sets down a plate in front of Santana next to the coffee mug and one for herself as well, "Do I need a reason to have breakfast with my daughter?"
Santana smirks as she takes the empty mug in front of her and walks to the coffeemaker, "I guess not."
Maribel putters around the kitchen quietly making Santana watch curiously as she fills her cup. She can feel something looming over them as she takes the first sip of coffee, peering over Maribel from the rim of the cup.
"I want to go grocery shopping for tomorrow," Maribel finally says and Santana instantly groans.
"I knew there was something.." Santana grumbles.
"What? You know it is going to be crazy in there, all the last minute shoppers. I'll need you as back up." Maribel reasons.
"Awh mami..grocery shopping is my least favorite thing to do. I barely did my own shopping in New York. Especially going on the day before a holiday, there's going to be people everywhere. It'll be like the Hunger Games. What are we even getting? I thought we were just ordering takeout and watch the parade?" Santana whines and for a second she's transported back to her middle school days when Maribel wouldn't let her play outside until her chores were finished.
"I've changed my mind," Maribel says simply, "I want to have a real Thanksgiving dinner."
"Is this what the breakfast is for, to bribe me?" Santana questions.
"Don't be so dramatic, Santana." Maribel chastises lightly, "It's not so bad. You haven't been home for Thanksgiving in so long and now you're here so I'm going to cook."
Santana softens because Maribel is such a mom and of course she decides on the day before Thanksgiving that she wants to cook just because she's there.
"We need a turkey and cornbread and mashed potatoes and mac and cheese." Maribel begins listing off, "All the staples!"
Santana would be lying if her stomach didn't automatically start rumbling, but she doesn't want Maribel to go through all the trouble just for her, "Mami, we don't need to do all of that. Besides, It's only going to be us. That's going to be way too much food."
Maribel shakes her head, "Nonsense, maybe the smell of all the cooking will bring your abuela over."
Santana freezes, surprised that Maribel even mentioned her abuela. They don't talk about her much since, actually they don't speak about her ever, but Santana knows Maribel still checks up on her despite not agreeing with how she treated her daughter.
"You're a great cook, but not that good." Santana says softly and it makes Maribel frown.
"Well, I'm going to put our dining table to good use even if it's just you and me." Maribel says to her, determined.
Santana can sense the things Maribel leaves unsaid, like how lonely it must've gotten being alone in this empty house, especially during the holidays now that her father is out of the picture. How hard it must be knowing that the two most important women in her life aren't speaking and there's nothing she can do to fix it. Santana remembers the holidays when she was younger, when Brittany would kiss away the cold winter air from her cheeks and her mom and dad were still happy and together and her abuelo was still healthy and alive and her abuela loved her.
It was such a happy time and it crushes Santana knowing how different it all is.
Santana feels overcome with guilt because she stayed away for so long and she knows she must've added to Maribel's sadness, so she relents, "Okay, mami, I'll help you."
"Good answer," Maribel smirks then leans over to kiss the top of Santana's head, "Thank you, now eat up."
\\
After breakfast, Santana heads up to her room to get dressed while her mom breaks out a pen and paper to start on the grocery list. She decides to dress for comfort since it's way too early for her usual outfits. Her eyes fall to the faded red sleeve of Brittany's sweater poking out from under her pillow and entertains the idea of possibly wearing it to the store because it's comfy and maybe having a piece of Brittany will make her feel like less of an idiot for not having the courage to make that call. She decides against though, in fear of someone recognizing it or getting it dirty, and tucks the sleeve further under her pillow before turning to her closest.
Santana opts for a hoodie and a pair of ripped blue jeans before going to the bathroom to brush her teeth. After, she piles her hair atop her head in a messy bun and goes to pull on a pair of clean socks. She sits perched at the edge of her bed, curled over pulling the fabric over her cold feet when she spots the frame on her desk again. There's a familiar pang of guilt and she moves to rest her hands on her knees as she bites her lip in thought.
"What is wrong with me?" Santana whispers aloud before pushing herself up and leaving those thoughts there. She grabs her phone and unlocks it, automatically going to the message app and hovering over Brittany's name. The last time they texted was last week when it was Santana's turn to pick up Starbucks before practice and she had to ask what Brittany wanted because it's always something different.
She goes back to thinking of what to text like it's rocket science just to ask Brittany over for dinner, but her fingers are frozen in place, hovering over the keyboard. She wonders what's stopping her and why she's letting it but she ends up getting frustrated with herself because she doesn't know the answer. Quinn said friendship with Brittany was easy and for a second Santana believed her, but now she's not so sure. If it was easy, why does she have such a hard time with all the simple things?
But then Santana thinks, maybe it's hard now for a reason? Maybe this is how it's supposed to be? She and Brittany are friends and everything's civil again and maybe Santana is just meant to leave it at that. She thinks that if things were supposed to be different it would be that way, there would be some sort of sign or something, like fate laying a hand.
Santana locks her phone and slides it in her back pocket before heading downstairs to meet up with Maribel.
\\
The list Maribel comes up with is pretty in depth and Santana starts to second guess her decision of coming out with her mom when she sees how packed the parking lot is. It's like the entire town of Lima is here and Santana cringes at the thought. When they park, Maribel decides that they split the list and meet at check out so they can get through the shopping a lot faster. Santana doesn't argue as Maribel rips the paper in half and hands Santana the top half. She reads over her part of the list, memorizing the items so she knows exactly which aisle she needs to go to while Maribel heads straight in wielding a cart like it's her battering ram.
Santana follows in after her with her own cart in tow before heading in the opposite direction. There's people everywhere and she can swear she passed by a couple arguing over the last can of gravy. It's sheer madness and Santana makes a mental note that she'll never grocery shop before a holiday ever again in her whole life. She has trouble moving around with a cart and ditches it at the end of an aisle before switching to a hand basket. Most of her list are just small things like seasonings and small goods so she zips through the crowded areas easily and soon she's nearly finished with her list.
With the amount of people there, Santana would've been oddly surprised if she would've gone the entire trip without seeing anyone she knew but she spots a familiar blonde at the corner of her eye as she passes the juice aisle.
It's Sam, accompanied by his little brother and sister, and he's got a hand on each other their heads as he reads different labels of juice bottles. Santana would've gone unnoticed if it wasn't for some old lady nearly running her down with a cart.
"Don't just stop in the middle of the walk way." The lady scolds harshly before brushing past Santana.
"Jesus," Santana gasps as her basket knocks into the end cap, the rattling of bottles of Coke earning her a glance from Sam.
"Hey Santana," Sam greets cheerfully, "It's crazy in here, huh?"
Santana stares daggers into the back of the lady, "Yeah it is." Then she smiles down at Sam's siblings before looking up at Sam, "Last minute shopping?"
"Yeah, my parents are in here somewhere. I'm just trying to keep these two out of trouble." He replies and pulls a bottle off the shelf and hands one to each of his siblings, "You hold this and you hold this."
Santana chuckles as the boy frowns up at Sam. For a second, she wants to ask about Brittany and if she'll be spending Thanksgiving with him and his family but she doesn't think she wants to know the answer. She knows she was the one that suggested the idea to Brittany and she knows that they're just friends and what not, but it still makes Santana feel weird just thinking about it all.
Instead, she doesn't say anything. She doesn't want to know what her lack of courage has earned her. She has no one else to blame but herself.
"Well good luck," Santana says through a smile, "Happy Thanksgiving."
"Happy Thanksgiving, Santana."
Santana heads off to grab the last few things before meeting up with her mom.
\\
Once they're home, Santana helps her mom unload the groceries from the car and they pile all the bags on the island counter. They're both surprisingly tired and they make fast work of putting away all the things that need to be kept cold before collapsing on the couch for an impromptu nap.
It's maybe just over an hour later when Santana's phone vibrates beneath her side, waking her. She doesn't know why her heart jumps in anticipation to see the name of who has been plaguing her mind all day, but she frowns when she glances down at the screen.
Quinn F. – Made it to New Haven! Traffic was insane.
Then a second text comes through.
Quinn F. – Have you asked Britt yet?
Santana groans and turns her phone over on the coffee table. That seems to be the answer for everything these days, just turn it over and ignore it.
The sound of splashing coming from the kitchen grabs Santana's attention and she quickly makes her way over. She finds Maribel dunking the smallest frozen turkey Maribel could find into a buck of water she has placed in the sink. Water spills over the sides and splashes out onto the edges of the counter surrounding the sink.
"What are you doing?" Santana wonders.
"This turkey won't thaw by tomorrow so I'm putting it in water," Maribel replies and Santana scrunches her nose.
"Is it okay to do that?" Santana asks, "We won't get salmonella or something?"
"Ay no, your abuela used to do this all the time." Maribel says, "We're still alive."
Santana isn't convinced but she backs off anyway, "Whatever you say then, mami."
Maribel nods confidently and goes to wipe up the spilled water, "Are you sure you got everything on the list, mija? I can't find the flour or the yeast packets anywhere. Could it be in the car?"
Santana freezes, she doesn't remember those items on her list, "Are you sure they were on mine? I didn't go down that aisle."
"Yes, it was on the back.." Maribel replies and Santana's jaw drops, "What? You looked on the back right?"
Santana brings her palm to her forehand and groans in frustration, "I didn't think to."
Maribel just chuckles, "No wonder you finished so quickly."
"I'm sorry, mami." Santana sighs apologetically, "I can go back?"
"No, no it's okay." Maribel shakes her head, "I'm about to start dinner. I'll go in the morning."
"Are you sure?" Santana begins to dig in her pockets for the crumpled list from earlier, "I've got the list somewhere."
"It's okay, I have to get a few things I forgot to add as well." Maribel assures her, "But you can help unpack the rest of the groceries instead?"
Santana nods and sets to work.
\\
Its when Santana's getting ready for bed that Quinn sends through another text.
Quinn F. – I'm taking that as a no.
"Ugh, shut up." Santana grumbles as she reads the text and goes to leave that one without a reply as well. She doesn't need Quinn adding to her own annoyance with herself. She knows she has dug herself a hole and she doesn't need Quinn going and adding her two cents like she always does. She's lucky Santana isn't meddling in her life, giving Quinn a taste of her own medicine.
Santana sets her phone to silent and leaves it face down on her nightstand before rolling onto her side. She closes her eyes and tries to think of happier thoughts, her hand delving under her pillow for the comforting feel of the sweater. She rubs the fabric between her fingers methodically, inhaling the faint smell of fire and Brittany's perfume until she drifts off.
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The next morning, Santana wakes in a similar way as the morning before. The smell of fresh coffee brewing and warm pancakes lure her into the kitchen and she plops down on her usual stool and plucks a raspberry from the bowl of berries. Maribel slides Santana a mug of coffee and Santana smiles in gratitude.
"I'm going to run to the store soon to pick up those last few things," Maribel tells her, "Can you preheat the oven when I leave?"
"Sure mami," Santana says, "Are you sure you don't want me to go instead?"
"It's okay," Maribel replies, "I'm dressed already and the store closes at noon today so I need to be quick."
Santana nods and soon after Maribel kisses her head, she's out the door again.
Santana finishes her breakfast and cleans up the kitchen so Maribel will have all the space she needs when she starts cooking. She preheats the oven like Maribel asked her to and goes up to her bathroom to take a shower. It becomes one of those long showers where she spends extra time shampooing her hair, massaging her scalp, before letting the water run through it and moving to exfoliate. She rubs shaving cream all over her legs and runs the razor over them until her skin is silky smooth. She inhales the steam and it eases her tense muscles so when she exits the shower, she's completely relaxed.
She stands in front of her closet with her hair bundled up atop her head and a fluffy towel wrapped around her torso. She remembers when she'd have to dress up when holiday dinners used to be over at her grandparents' house and she decides to slip into one of her favorite cotton dresses because even if it's just her and Maribel today, she wants it to feel like a special occasion. She slides nude colored stockings over her legs and slips her feet into her fuzzy purple booties she likes to wear around the house on colder days before heading to the bathroom to dry her hair.
When she finishes up, Santana goes for her phone and finally texts Quinn back.
Santana L. – Happy Thanksgiving, Q.
She opts to leave Quinn's previous texts unanswered, but then she finds her thumb hovering over the main message bank where Brittany's name is. She thinks about what Brittany could be doing again and she hopes she isn't lonely even though Santana could've easily assured she wouldn't be. She finally relents and taps Brittany's name, the message screen opening and Santana finds herself hesitating again only this time it's to find the words she wishes to say. How does she apologize for something Brittany didn't even know was supposed to happen? How does she convey her fear of rejection in a single text?
She stops when she hears the sound of keys and the front door opening, followed by an angry sounding Maribel rattling off Santana's full name.
"Come down here right now," Maribel demands and for the first time in years Santana is a little worried as to what she's done to warrant her whole name being called out.
Santana quickly comes down the stairs, nearly missing a step, to find Maribel waiting at the bottom with her hands on her hips.
"Yes mami?" Santana asks hesitantly.
"Do you know who I ran into at the store?" Maribel asks and Santana's brows furrow.
Santana shakes her head, but as she does Maribel opens the front door a little wider and Santana just about collapses.
Brittany is there pulling a large paper bag out of the backseat of Maribel's car. She adjusts it in her arms and Santana can only stare wide-eyed.
"Why didn't you tell me she was going to be alone on Thanksgiving?" Maribel asks, this time her tone is softer.
Santana just shakes her head again, trying to tear her eyes away from Brittany, "I-I didn't know.. I-I thought she was going to be with Sam's family."
"Well from what she told me, she's not." Maribel says and her hands drop to her sides, "I know things are complicated with you two, but I thought I raised you better than this. I can't let this girl spend Thanksgiving alone. She'll be having dinner with us now."
Santana nods and the slight feeling of relief and regret washes over her, "Okay."
"Okay." Maribel repeats and nods to the blonde, "Go see if she needs help."
Santana nods again and comes down the last few steps before heading out the door.
Brittany pulls away with a plastic bag dangling from her curled fingers as she bumps the car door closed with her hip. When she spins, she finds Santana standing there and offers her a nervous smile.
"Hey," Brittany says a little timidly.
"Hi Britt," Santana replies and nods to her hand, "Let me get that."
Brittany mumbles out a thanks as Santana takes the bag then says a little louder, "I'm sorry. I should've texted you to warn you or something. Your mom saw me at the store and asked what I was doing and I wasn't quick enough with a good answer and then she invited me over. It's kind of hard saying no to her. I hope I'm not imposing."
Santana chuckles because she knows first-hand how her mom can be, "Don't be sorry. You aren't imposing at all."
"Are you sure? I feel like I crashed your dinner." Brittany asks and pauses halfway up the path to the front door. She looks so unsure of herself as she adds, "I don't have to stay. I can go if you'd like."
"Don't." Santana says suddenly as her heart starts to race. She looks up into pretty blue eyes and the words fall freely, "Please stay."
Brittany's eyes flicker between Santana's and Santana watches as Brittany slowly inhales. She doesn't know why it suddenly feels like time has stopped but she eyes Brittany curiously; she looks like she's mentally weighing out the pros and cons and Santana wonders why Brittany's doing that when she's the one that's a nervous wreck.
But then Brittany nods and her cheeks bunch cutely into a smile. She bashfully says, "Okay, I'll stay."