If Wishes Were Goodbyes
By: Lesera128
Rated: T
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.
Summary: From the day of her birth, there have been several constants in Nymphadora Tonks' life: her parents, her cousin Sirius, & Remus Lupin. After a very heated argument with Remus, Tonks does something she later comes to regret. Very, very AU. Begins spring of OOTP. RL&NT Remus/Tonks. AU.
Author's Note: This story was began in 2005. I did not ever give up on the story, but it has taken me a long time to get to the point where I felt I had the distance necessary to complete it. Distance was necessary because, as I have said elsewhere, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. I based this story on my interpretations of Remus' and Tonks' characterizations up through the first half of Order of the Phoenix. Then the last two books came out, and they sucked very, very badly in my humble opinion. The movies echoed this in their casting of certain characters… not that I have any problem with actors like Gary Oldman or David Thewlis, for example, but the Sirius, Remus, and Tonks of the movies were not like how I pictured them in any way, shape, or form. The characters of the movies (and last two books) just didn't feel right. Sirius lost his sense of humor, charm, and nobility. Remus lost his strength, tenacity, and depth (he never, ever should have approached being as wishy-washy whiny individual he morphed into), and I failed to see any of the noble complexity and classiness in Tonks that was hinted at in OOTP. I was surfing YouTube a few days ago, and if you search for the user LeaLPotter and for her mvid "The Story of Remus Lupin II – Nymphadora Tonks" that is a much closer representation of what I think spot on characterizations of the likes of Remus and Tonks can be.
All of my displeasure lead me to take a very long hiatus from the story. Now, however, I think I have forgotten (read: chosen not to purposely remember) the specific details that got me so turned off to the world of Harry Potter, and I am left remembering the good. To maintain that (and to allow me to complete this story at long last) for the purposes of this story's universe, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent.
Please note: negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons.
For those who are interested, I have already posted a sequel of sorts that is completed. The link is in my fanfiction dot net profile under my other list of published stories. Interested as to what eventually happens to Tonks and Remus in my story's universe? Go click on the link entitled "Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye."
Also, my apologies if you are just now coming to this story… the formatting on chapters 1-10 is wonky to say the least… page breaks disappeared and more than a few pesky typos are present. At this point in time, I don't have the files accessible to go back and do easy fixes, so as I said, I'm sorry if the earlier chapters are annoying to read. Hopefully the last few chapters will help to make up for the issues of the earlier ones.
And now, without further ado….
Chapter 12 – "Stop Me."
"Stop me," the plea came to her ears. "Please, by all that is holy, stop me," he whispered to her.
In between deep kisses, the removal of clothing, the worship of skin on skin, the blessed emanation of small gasps, the lyrical pitch of unintended moans, Remus at last brought his head so that it remained slightly a part from hers. Looking down into her eyes, eyes that had shaded an even deeper blue than when they started, Tonks saw that some of the intensity had started to leech out of his eyes. They were transitioning from the fiery amber to their warm chocolate brown. No, it wasn't quite there yet, but soon it would be… and in those few seconds, the small part of Remus' rational mind that had been relegated to mere observation over the last few hours, seized a tenuous control of the situation. He knew it wouldn't hold long, and so he did the only thing he could do… he begged her to stop this.
"Push me away," he begged. "Yell, scream, tell me *no*," Remus pleaded to her.
Sensing more than realizing the shift that had occurred, Tonks took a look at the man who lay on top of her. Her body demanding that it concentrate on the sensations she was feeling almost began to overload when her brain tried to make logical sense of Remus' words. As soon as she did, she almost wanted to cry out in frustration as she realized that if Remus was asking her what he was asking her to do, there was still a small part of him that was in control. And, now realizing how close they were to that which both of them had apparently wanted for a very long time, Tonks knew that she couldn't do as Remus asked… she couldn't be selfless enough to reject him for his own propriety's sake.
Pushing up at him, taking the last shred of what little control that he clung to, Tonks used her weight to shift them. Rolling the pair over so that she was on top, Tonks bent down to kiss him.
*Soft, so soft,* Remus thought, as tongues wrestled each other for dominance. *Want, need, want,* echoed in his brain as he struggled for relief. She was everything to him, he was nothing without her, they were all things at all times… everywhere, no where.
Too much.
Not enough.
More… *he* needed more. *She* needed more. *They* needed more.
He moaned once into her mouth, resigning himself to the inevitable. After all, the wolf had reminded him, it is always the female who has final say in these matters.
He felt his skin slide against hers, beads of sweat easing the friction of their bodies. They moved in a kind of percussionistic rhythm. Steady, strong, but only measured by the desires of their wants.
Want.
Need.
Have.
The words reverberated around the pair.
Control – gone… lost… finally, willingly surrendered.
Want.
Need.
Have.
"*Nymphadora*," he breathed once again in her ear, his whispered prayer metamorphosizing into a moan as he took from Tonks that which she had been waiting for him to take.
Fierce tongues, tangy sweetness, beads of sweat, bumping, thrusting, grinding… escalation, pushing, pulling, pushing some more, fighting each other instead of themselves. Deeper… deeper. Harder, softer. Faster, slower.
Want.
Need.
Have.
She cried out unexpectedly. At the time, Remus' brain didn't recognize the reason why. All he knew was the cry did not symbolize her release, her relief. He would have felt that. So… he continued to push on, move forward, claim that which he *wanted*, claim that which he desperately, desperately *needed* so very much.
Deeper… deeper. Harder, softer. Faster, slower.
No more denial. Acceptance… only acceptance and acknowledgement.
Want.
Need.
Have.
Control lost…
And, right before the blessed feeling of relief swept over them, his teeth careened over the soft skin of where her neck joined her shoulder. And, in one split second, right before he finally was rewarded with everything he had ever wanted since he had given up everything he had also so fiercely guarded… his mouth opened slightly, and then savagely bit down.
His own cry of release mixed with her own cry of relief… and pain at the overwhelming unpredictability of it all.
At some point, the pair had moved from the floor to the couch. Tonks laid a worn, but favorite, blanket over the pair as they cuddled together, spent and satiated.
Remus held her, and when she looked at him this time, although a drowsy lethargy clouded his eyes, no amber light fired his gaze… chocolate brown eyes, softened by satisfaction and… perhaps some gentler emotion, looked deeply into hers.
"Now do you understand?" he said quietly.
Tonks sighed. "I… I'm not sure." She was quiet for a moment, her brain still struggling to process the sensory overload that had just about short-circuited her system. "I think I'm beginning to," Tonks offered at last, "but, I'm not quite sure I understand… everything."
"This…." Remus tested each word in his mind, struggling to make her understand. Merlin, after everything… she *had* to understand. He had to make her understand…. "*This* is why you were different," Remus said. "*This* is what Lily always wanted from me, and *this* is what I could never give her."
Tonks shifted in his embrace, and turned to look at him fully. "Meaning?"
"Meaning," Remus said. "Lily – I loved her, I wanted her… but not enough... not enough to give up control… I trusted her, but I didn't trust myself enough around her… and Lily knew that… she knew that, and it wasn't enough for her, and that's why she left me… that's why she moved on… and let someone else give her what I couldn't."
"James?" Tonks asked.
He paused for a moment before he nodded at her. He then said, "You do understand, right? With Lily… I just couldn't. But, you, Dora… you… I love you… I want you… and I loved and wanted you more than enough to give you what I could never give anyone else."
"Why?" a very small voice asked. "What makes me so different?"
Remus smiled weakly. "I don't know… it's just that you're *you*… and that makes all the difference in the world."
"What if you're wrong? What if you don't love me, don't want me like you think you do after we leave this cottage?" Tonks whispered, finally voicing her worst fear and very much feeling the rejected eight-year old who had just lost her best friend to Lily Evans.
Remus shook his head with a smile. He then pulled her to him in a fierce hug. "Never happen, Dora."
"You can't know that for sure, Remus," Tonks said with a sniffle.
Holding her even tighter, he began to run his hands up and down her back in a comforting rhythm as he said, "There are a lot of things I don't know about in this world, Dora… I freely admit that… but *this*… *you*… *us*…. Well, those are things you are just going to have to trust me on… because I know I'm right… I have enough faith for both of us because I just know."
"And that's the truth of it?" Tonks sighed as she felt fatigue wash over her again.
Remus nodded, even though Tonks eyed had closed. "Yeah, it is."
-TBC-